Bitches Love Therapy.

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After realizing I was still being irrational, I finally talked to Scott that night. I basically told him everything I was feeling about medicine, and keto, and therapy, and life. When I texted him and asked if he would go to therapy with me, I offered no explanation. I wanted to at least give him an explanation as to why I thought it would be good for us and I wanted to express that it was not going to be a bash session against him. He agreed that he thought it would be okay.

After initially talking about it that night, I think it was a Tuesday night, I promised myself that I wouldn’t mention therapy to Scott until the end of the week. I didn’t want to push it. I wanted him to be able to think about it and process it. I’ve been sitting on the therapist’s couch for 3 years talking to her, so this was nothing out of the ordinary for me. But for him, I knew it probably had to make him feel vulnerable.

Friday at the dinner table, I asked him if he was going with me. He said yes, but I could feel hesitation. I just left it alone. I felt and hoped that he was going to go with me, but I didn’t want to keep pressing the issue. I just hoped on Tuesday, he would wake up and go to therapy with me, instead of work.

And he did.

We walked in and I introduced the elusive Scott that she had heard so much about. After that I pretty much jumped right in. I told her that I was probably going to talk a lot and cry a lot and about that time I started crying and I hadn’t even started talking about anything yet. I told her all the recent news about my uterus and how it’s basically consuming my life. Even though Scott and I haven’t discussed it in depth, we were on the same page, that we feel the decision has been made for us that we will not have any more kids. It’s not out of the question, but it’s highly unlikely that we will have another kid. For that decision to be made for you, AND for that decision to be taken away from you in the blink of an eye is heartbreaking. For so many years I feel as though my body has failed me, but now, it’s committed the ultimate failure. I talked about grieving this miscarriage really bad because I felt it was my last pregnancy. We talked about all of this. I basically never stopped crying and talking for about 15 minutes. She asked if I had been crying a lot lately and I told her here and there, but not really like I was now. She then asked if this is how I felt all the time, and I instantly said yes. I feel like I have to be strong. I have to be strong for so many reasons. I felt like crying all the time, but I didn’t. I felt like hiding in a black hole, but I don’t.

Then, she went to Scott. She asked the typical therapist question, “How does seeing her like this make you feel?” With a quivering lip, and teardrop rolling down his face, he simply said, “Helpless.”

I spent 15 minutes catching her up on everything, but, within 5 seconds, Scott was able to say one word and solidify why we were there.

From there we dove into the 5 love languages. I told her through a conversation I had with a coworker it made me realize that we were on different pages when it came to this. And this was the main reason we were here. Again, this was not a bad thing. For me, I just thought it would be better that she explain things and help us. She took the time to explain to Scott each one and he agreed that his was Acts of Service. She also explained mine, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation to him, which I think was very helpful. I think all of this was good coming from her and not me. I tend to read a lot of things and try to explain them to Scott and I think he half ass listens. So, for her to be reiterating how we can help each other, was perfect.

As always, the hour flies by. I felt like we had just sat down and now it was time for us to leave. I felt better talking about everything and having Scott there.

We didn’t really have a chance to talk about anything after it was over because we both had to go to work. That night after the kids went to bed, I asked him what he thought about therapy. He said it was fine and he liked her. That night he was a little more attentive to me. Even though he has saw me be a blubbering mess before, I think, just the raw emotions with someone else in the room that was qualified to tell me it was okay to feel like this and Scott should take note, was a little eye opening for him.

It was a great experience for the both of us. I think our relationship could use a little tune up every once in a while. But, I hope that we don’t need her again for a really long time.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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Losing Control…

I am having an extremely hard time dealing with the latest news with my uterus. I cannot recover from it. I think about it non-stop. It really is consuming my life right now. And I hate it.

With all of the events in 2018, and especially in the past two weeks, my anxiety is spiraling out of control. I am very close to a breakdown. I just feel it.

I went into the gym yesterday and there is a guy there that is the nutritionist. The Keto diet has become very big in our gym. The reason this is important…the Keto diet helps with anxiety. The nutritionist used to have extreme anxiety. He and I have talked about it multiple times and we are just alike.

Anxiety for me is a never ending to do list. It’s literally like a TV reel that is constantly playing in my head telling me that I’m not accomplishing anything. It’s being so overwhelmed to the point that I cannot focus on anything. It’s when I get to that point of being so overwhelmed, I lose all sense of prioritizing and I have no idea what task to accomplish next. It’s…see the first sentence in this paragraph and then repeat the process…OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Multiple times a day. It’s exhausting, and I’m over it.

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I’m at the point now that it’s either get on board with this diet, or get on medicine. And I do not want to do either. Getting on medicine is going to be an absolute last resort for me. I am not against people being on medicine for anxiety, I just personally do not want to take it. I have friends that are on it and I would have never even guessed they were on it. They are fully functioning humans. Hell, I didn’t even know that some of them were suffering from anxiety. It’s just something that I do not want to do. But, this diet is also not something that I want to do. I have very little knowledge about this diet, but here is what I know. It’s a high fat diet. The makeup of your diet is essentially 75% fat, 15% protein, and 10% or less carbs. It can very to +/- 5% on all of these. It’s a super low carb diet. I have been warned that you feel like shit until your body is in ketosis. When you reach ketosis, everything starts to get better. For the women at my gym it’s taken 4-6 weeks. And this is being 100% strict, no slip ups. If they had a slip up, it took them longer. Oh, and no beer. I cannot even wrap my head around not having beer. I know I can have other alcohol, but I really like beer. Oh, and if you cheat and have carbs, you pretty much have to start all over. For me, I WANT to be able to have a cheat meal everyone in a while and not feel like shit. For the anxiety to go away, you have to be very strict and follow all the rules to this diet. I just know it’s not possible for me.

The more I talked to the guy at the gym, I just knew that something had to change. I was really emotional afterwards. I felt like I had a good hold on this, and now all of a sudden, I don’t. I text Scott when I got back to work and I told him that I really needed to talk tonight after the kids went to bed. Even if I was tired, I asked him to take the initiative to make me talk. Normally after the kids go to bed, he flips on the TV to his shows and we don’t talk for the rest of the night.

Do you think we spoke to one another last night?

Nope.

And I was furious. Absolutely furious. I had 1 million irrational thoughts going through my head. I was ready to pack my shit and move out. I knew they were irrational so I didn’t say anything. I told myself that I need to cool off and sleep on it. Welp, guess what? I was still pissed off the next morning. I knew I didn’t need to talk to him because I was going to say something I didn’t mean. I got Briar up and she had a poopy diaper. I laid her down in the floor to change her and Scott came in. He started talking to her and trying to keep her attention so I could change her diaper. She’s been playing peek a boo lately so he started covering her face up with her white cover and playing with her. It’s a big cover, and it was getting so close to her poop every time. I kept telling him to stop and he didn’t. So the next time he did it, I yanked the cover from him and threw it across the room.

I just feel myself getting so angry. So fast. Being very irrational.

So, here I am, at this crossroads of what in God’s name do I do?

Today I have thought a lot about what is the next step. I ended up talking to someone at work that I trust about everything that has gone on in the last few weeks. As I was talking, I came to a realization. Maybe Scott should go to therapy with me. Not because we are in a bad place, because we’re not, I’m just crazy…But to help us figure out how to relate to one another and how he can help me. Because I feel like I’m changing in what I need from him. He has always been the same and probably always will be, but I need more. I guess I need more because of everything I’m going through? I don’t know?

I reverted back to one of my first therapy sessions. She explained to me the 5 Love Languages. There are a ton of books and websites about this. Basically everyone loves in a different way, but they normally fall into 5 categories: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Scott and I love differently. He is Acts of Service and I am Quality Time. Scott has told me before that he doesn’t know how to talk to me or help me when I get like this. Hell, I don’t know how to help myself, so how am I supposed to tell someone how to help me and love me? Hence, why I thought about therapy. If she can help Scott understand my anxiety and how to help me, maybe this could be a good thing? And vice versa, I have a hard time with his Acts of Service love. Maybe she can help me deal with and accept it better.

I called the therapist today and asked if he could come to my next visit with me. She immediately said yes. She asked if there was anything she needed to know about since I had never brought up him coming. I told her no, it wasn’t that bad, I think we just need some help understanding each other. For me, it’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have anxiety, what it feels like. And I can only imagine if you don’t have anxiety and you were looking at me. Literally, people probably think I’m a psychopath. Since Scott and I hadn’t really spoke, I text him this morning and asked him to¬†think about coming to therapy with me. All he said was okay. I will hopefully be able to explain to him tonight that I don’t think we are in a bad place, but I want him to come so we can hopefully get a better understanding of what each other wants. He probably thinks it’s going to be a bash session against him and that’s the last thing I want. I didn’t want to text all that so hopefully we get the opportunity to talk tonight.

So tired of this anxious filled life I live.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma