The Beginning of Many Changes

I’m going through a change. A real life change. And I’m trying to wrap my head around it and weigh the risk and reward for the changes that are going to inevitably take place.

Keep your goal in mind

I am switching CrossFit gyms. This may not seem big, but it’s big. I’ve been at my current gym for 2 1/2 years. I go every single day on lunch. I can basically walk there. It’s SO convenient. But, I’m ready for a change. I feel like I go through this every couple of years. Maybe not with the gym, but with another aspect in my life.

I met with a couple of different gyms, but this one kept drawing me in. I had been following the owner of the gym I really liked on social media for a while and she’s basically a badass weightlifter. She’s been to CrossFit Regionals, which is a big deal. I just kept telling myself that I’m not going to join another gym for convenience. If I make this change, I want to do it to be a better athlete. I want to be able to learn from the best of the best.

When I met with the new gym owner in person, we instantly clicked right away. I knew I was going to chose this gym.

However, this gym is not close to my house or close to my work, therefore, it’s changing my family dynamic at home. Whenever I make the switch, I will have to go in the morning. Normally in the morning Scott and I work together and get the kids ready. But, this will not be the case anymore. My class will start at 6:00 a.m., therefore, Scott will have to get the kids ready and get them to daycare by himself. I asked him multiple times if he was going to be okay with this. He just keeps reassuring me that everything will be okay and he is okay with the change. First and foremost, that’s all that matters to me is that my family can adapt to the change and that everyone is okay with the change.

After Scott and I spoke about it, it was time for me to tell my current gym. It’s something I did not want to do. The owners aren’t just my coaches, they are my friends. I was so scared they were going to hate me. The day I told them, I was physically sick over it. I just wanted to tell them and get it over with and off my chest. After I told them, I felt SO much better. I still have a membership with my current gym until January. So I am going to continue to go maybe once a week until the end of the year.

I am making this change next week on 7/11. I am looking forward to it. I just hope everything works out.

The gym is my biggest change so far, but there are some potential changes that I am trying to weigh the risk and reward for…

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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T W O Date Nights?!?

Believe it or not, in the month of June, Scott and I had two…T W O date nights in June. I don’t even know who we are. We had good date nights. They were so needed.

At the end of May, I was feeling really down about Scott and I. There just wasn’t a whole lot changing. I would see glimpses here and there and then it would just go right back to normal.

I was mad at him.

I was mad at me.

I was and am still mad that I am changing. Why do my needs have to change? I just didn’t understand. I mean, I do understand, but I was just overly frustrated with it all.

I am not one to just sit around and loathe in my unhappiness. I’m a fixer. I’m a do-er. So I opened my big ass mouth and told Scott how I was feeling.

“Look, we haven’t had a date night since March. That date night was basically horrible because we didn’t even talk to each other.” As per the request of the therapist, I laid out the calendar for him “We have ONE free Saturday in June and it’s June 30th. I can basically tell you that if I have to wait that long to have a date night, I’m going to be pissed. I have told you a million times that it doesn’t have to be lavish, it doesn’t even have to be on a Saturday. I’m down with any day of the week as long as we get some alone time.”

He let me bitch.

He listened the whole time, then said, “I’ve already got something in process, so calm down.”

I honestly didn’t believe him.

A couple of days later we were outside playing with the girls on the porch and he looked at Raelynn and said, “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if Krista came over to watch you tomorrow while me and Mommy went out?” I looked at him and almost started crying. I couldn’t believe he actually followed through with this.

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It was nice outside, and we went to a restaurant called Against the Grain. It’s like our go to restaurant when we have some alone time. We sat outside, drank beer, talked about everything. So, so, so nice and so needed. It was so much different than our first date night.

A week or two later I saw tickets for a show that Scott has been telling me that he wanted to go to. I bought them. I text him right after and told him this was our next date night. He was so happy. It was the last Friday in June. We got a sitter just for a couple of hours, which was perfect. As soon as we got home from work, we got ready, went downtown, had some drinks and an appetizer, then walked to the show. It was a comedy show and it was really good. After the show, we actually got to meet the comedians which was really awesome. Then we went home. It was perfect.

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That night, we talked. Like, really, really talked. I feel like it’s the first time in a long time that we actually heard each other. We were laying in bed, no phones, no TV, no kids, just me and him talking. I spoke to him again about the things I needed from him because it was still lacking. Then, I paused for a second and asked him what he needed from me? Did he need anything from me?

This was his answer y’all, I shit you not…”Please just let me keep my 3 hour nap on Sunday.”

And he was serious. That’s all he wants from me.

He is so chill and laid back and here I am with all these demands. He probably hates me. I mean, not really, but maybe a little.

This is going to sound so cheesy, but as Scott and I get older and our life evolves, I just can’t help but love him so much more everyday. Even through all of our rough times lately.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

 

 

This Messy Life of Mine

I had a therapy appointment this past Tuesday. It was the first appointment since Scott and I had went together. There was a lot to talk about and fill her in on.

She initially asked how I had been since I was on the verge of a mental breakdown the last time I was there. To refresh your memory, I basically told her that I was either going to have to get on medicine or I was going to have to start this godforsaken keto diet. And I did not want to do either.

I told her that I had started vaping CBD oil AND I was taking a stab at this Keto diet, which I haven’t really had the opportunity to talk about much here. I just told her that medicine was a last resort and not for me. She was intrigued about the CBD oil. Over the past month, I have been experimenting with dosage and trying to figure out what works best for me. I initially started out by taking it 3 times a day, and then I moved to 2 times, and then I moved to 1 time, and then it was just a couple of times a week. If I know a stressful, or anxious situation is about to happen, I may up the dosage to twice a day or something like that. For example, Scott was going out of town for work and I have a really hard time sleeping when he is not there. So I was just take a hit before bed and it would help me get a full night of sleep.

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I would say the Keto diet has had a bigger impact on my mental health than the CBD oil. I then explained this diet to her. I’m not discounting the fact that the CBD oil works, because for me, it does, but I think I don’t have to use it that much because this diet has worked wonders for my mental stability. As I’ve vaguely said before, it’s a high fat, super low carb diet. My main concern was that I was not going to be able to drink beer. Because beer is basically carbs. And it’s summer time…and I’m not pregnant…so why would I not want to drink beer basically every weekend?? 🙂 I figured I would give it a try. I didn’t go straight into the hardcore diet, I just started out low carb to see if this diet was actually going to be doable for me. I drank on the weekend, I had some major carbs, but I didn’t feel horrible. So I decided to get a little stricter, I still drank on the weekend, ate some major carb loaded foods, but I was still for the most part, okay. For these weeks, I was eating, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and maybe some snacks. I started to read a little more about the Keto diet and intermittent fasting and bulletproof coffee were essentials. Intermittent fasting is where you do not eat for a certain amount of hours, and then you have a “window” of time that you eat. I have always been the person that eats small meals a couple of times a day, so I was not sure that I would be able to do this. And the bulletproof coffee is basically just a way to get in your fat. It’s coffee with a combination of different things, but I use grassfed butter and coconut oil. I just decided to take the leap and do it and see what happens. The only thing I had in the morning was my bulletproof coffee. I was scared I was going to get hungry and I was scared I might get sick from working out on an empty stomach. My plan was to workout at 11:30 and then eat after. The first day wasn’t terrible, but I remember day 2 and 3, I was HANGRY. I could not wait to get out of the gym and eat. I have since learned that I am not doing as long as a fast as I thought because when I have my bulletproof coffee in the morning, I’m breaking my fast because it’s over 50 calories. But, for the moment, I am okay with the routine that I have going.

So, after all of that…how is this actually helping me? As I have said several times before, I have had such a hard time focusing, especially at work. Brain fog is real, y’all. It wasn’t until I started doing the fasting that I started to see some of these results. I could feel my anxiousness disappearing and I slowly felt like I was being more and more productive at work. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could actually accomplish what I needed to instead of wandering around aimlessly and doing the bare minimum. It was such a great feeling.

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It’s so crazy to me that a diet can make me feel so much better, mentally. And I am not super strict on this. I would say through the week I am pretty strict, but I tend to be pretty lazy on the weekends, but not full on cheating for 2 days straight. I pretty much still do the fasting and eat the same stuff, but I just add beer into the mix. From what I understand, this doesn’t work for everyone. Some people can basically smell a carb and they get sick. Some people can go off of it for a week and get right back on with no issues. For me, I was happy that I was able to find some balance with achieving mental clarity and still having my beer 🙂 Win for me!

Then Derby week happened to me. If you are not from the great state of Kentucky, then allow me to briefly explain to you Derby week. We party for an entire week for a 2 minute horse race. End of story. Instead of just indulging on the weekend, I also indulged on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I knew I probably wouldn’t bounce right back like I normally do and I was correct. It was about Thursday of the next week until I got my life back together. I was just super tired. I peed about 400 gallons because I was getting rid of my water weight. And my dreaded brain fog was back. It was the first time I had experienced it since I started this diet and I hated it. I could not complete a thought. A friend of mine looked right at me and was asking me a question and I couldn’t’ even process what was going on. Thankfully for me, there is only one Derby week a year, so I should be good going forward 🙂

Back to therapy…

After explaining the CBD oil and the keto diet we, of course, switched to me and Scott. Inquiring minds want to know how we are in general, especially after this… I Understand Why Divorce Happens…

We had our therapy session together at the end of March. I could quickly see that things weren’t changing much. I was getting frustrated. My outlet, was the post mentioned above. I kept telling him that I wanted to talk to him and it just wasn’t happening. So I wrote the post. He knows I have the blog, but I know he’s never read anything in it. He was gone for the night with his parents for a Derby event, but I knew he was going to have some down time where he could read this. And it was everything I wanted to say to him. I sent him the link and asked him to read it when he had the time. I told him that it was sad that I had to result to writing a post for him to read because he wasn’t making himself fully available. He was always preoccupied with the TV or the phone. I told him that I knew I was asking a lot, but we have to make US a priority again or else we are going to grow apart further than we already are. After he read it, he text me and said he is sorry he hasn’t been giving me what I need and he doesn’t want us to continue to grow further apart. He’s always been a man of few words when it comes to emotional shit.

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Here we are, almost 2 months later, no date night, and none scheduled in sight. I expressed this to the therapist. How are we going to get out of this? what do we do? For me, I don’t beat around the bush, I tell Scott exactly what I need.

She stopped me and asked, “Do you really, though?” I mean, I feel like I do. She asked for an example. I told her that I tell him everything I am needed from him and I have expressed several times that we need to have a date night and just every once in a while I would like for him to take the initiative to do something for us or plan something for us. Her eyes lit up with opportunity. She looked at me and said, “Okay, Keisha. You want him to take the initiative to do something for you all, but let’s face it, you are a control freak. YOU have to tell HIM when you are available for something. YOU are the “keeper” of y’alls calendar, therefore you have to help him out too!” Okay, Okay…I was just hoping that I didn’t have to be SO specific, but I get it, and I understand, so I will do it. After it was over, I immediately text him and told him that she put in my place and I needed to give him a little more direction. And then he saw his window of opportunity to make a very valid point too. He said he doesn’t take the initiative to plan anything anymore because the couple of times he did find a sitter and make plans, I basically freaked out because I wasn’t ready to leave the kids yet. And he is 100% right. I remember him making plans when Raelynn was little, or when Briar was little, and I was like, NOPE. SORRY. Try again another day. And if I were him, I probably would have stopped try to plan something too. He put effort into something, only to get shot down. I am humble enough to accept that fact that I am wrong. I am glad that I have people to help bring me back down and put things into perspective for me.

Recently we have been so busy with Derby events that we haven’t had the opportunity to do anything. I am hoping in the month of May we make time for ourselves. I will be highly disappointed if we do not.

Of course, you know me, typical Debbie Downer…I had to bring up the fact that I am still thinking about my broken uterus and potentially not being able to have kids anymore. It’s not consuming my thoughts as much as it was, but it’s always still there. Scott and I still haven’t spoke about this. I don’t really know that there will ever be a good time to have the talk. My emotions about this have changed. I essentially felt pretty guilty for even wanting another kid. I felt greedy. I have two, perfectly healthy kids, why was I stressing so much about having another kid? It was just my vision for my family. And my vision was crumbling before my eyes. I don’t really feel guilty anymore. I am more so just sad that it’s not going to happen. Maybe even a little angry. But definitely not guilty anymore. Then, the therapist shared a story with me that made me even think a little more. She has three kids. When she had her third, there were some complications and they advised her not to get pregnant anymore and to get her tubes tied. She only planned on having three kids, but she said the fact that they told her to do this pissed her off. She said even when she got the procedure done, she was sad, and mad because it’s just a maternal instinct thing. Someone is taking away your ability to carry kids and be a mom to another baby. The fact that someone like her basically experienced the same emotions as me is humbling. It makes me feel not alone. It makes me feel like I am not a crazy person for feeling some of the emotions I’ve felt. Then it also begs the question, because of my maternal instinct, if I had a third kid…would I want a 4th? or a 5th? I honestly cannot see myself wanting more than 3. Shit, we couldn’t afford it. Her experience just makes me reconsider some of the things I’m feeling. It gives me a different perspective which I am thankful for.

This is my crazy mess of a life for the moment. I hope you enjoy it.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

The Good and The Bad

We have been going through some major changes at home with the kids. Some good…some bad.

We took Briar’s pacifier away. There was really no reason other than we were over it and we just didn’t want her to have it any longer. She wasn’t really reliant on it except for nap time and bed time. We said we were going to take it away after Derby, and we actually did it. I kind of decided for us that if we were going to do it, we were going to do it cold turkey. I knew she was perfectly capable of sleeping without it. I was just scared she was going to wake up in the middle of the night and I was going to be tired and I was going to give in and give it to her.

On Monday, May 8th, we took it away. The first night was the worst, but it still wasn’t terrible. We honestly didn’t really have a good bedtime routine, so, I’m trying to implement one. I tried to get her to wind down about 15 minutes before bed. We sat in the recliner and read some books. When it’s bedtime, on the way to the room, I always sing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star”, and then lay her down. Well, this time, she lost her shit, as I expected, because she didn’t have her pacifier. She cried for 30 minutes straight until I finally went in there. She was sitting up screaming, but I could tell she was so tired. I laid her back down, sang to her a little bit and she finally calmed down…until I walked out of the room and then she lost it again. She cried for another 20-30 minutes until she drifted off to sleep. Now…if she could just make it all night…

I didn’t have high hopes. I felt like I held my breath all night just waiting for her to wake up. She did wake up once around 11pm. I was so scared. I thought she would be up crying all night, but she didn’t. She fussed for maybe 5 minutes and then she went back to sleep. I felt like I tossed and turned all night just waiting on her to wake up again. She woke up around 6am for the day which is much earlier than normal, but all in all, it wasn’t a terrible night.

I was also nervous about her nap at daycare. I told daycare the night before that we were taking it away and if it was a successful night, I’d like for her to not give her the pacifier. Since we made it through the night, I let daycare know not to give her the pacifier. I text her that afternoon after I knew she would be waking up and she said she only cried for a couple of minutes before she went to sleep and she took a good nap! I was so happy. I did not think she was going to take a good nap today…then I thought, well, what if she was just tired from last night since she was a little restless, went to bed later than usual, and woke up earlier than normal? I wasn’t sure if it was a fluke or not….on to Day 2…

Tuesday night she maybe cried for 20 minutes before she fell asleep. She woke up once around 2:30am, but it was just like the previous day and she fussed herself back to sleep. I don’t even know if she was awake for more than 2 minutes. And we actually had to wake her up the next morning around 6:45! Yay! Daycare said she also took a good nap.

Wednesday night, I don’t even think she cried at all when I laid her down. We have still been keeping the same bedtime routine. AND she didn’t wake up all night long! And I had to wake her up again for the day!! YESSS!! I was so happy!!

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I might not have picked the best time to take her pacifier away because she is actually getting more teeth. She has only had her 2 bottom teeth since she was 9 months old. I was super surprised that she even got teeth that early because Raelynn didn’t get her first tooth until she was 15 months old. In the past couple of weeks, she has been pretty fussy and constantly shoving her hand in her mouth. I decided to stick my finger in there and feel around and she had her top two molar’s on either side! Who knows how long those have been in there. Just this week, she finally had one of her front teeth break the skin, and there are going to be a couple more to follow soon.

Now onto the not so good. I would assume Raelynn is just going through a phase, but shit, her attitude is killing me. She’s always been a GREAT sleeper. Dare I say, almost too good…because, in the morning, it’s like HELL getting her up. She says she is tired and doesn’t want to get up and literally goes into full on tantrum mode. Screaming and crying to the point that she can’t breathe, all because she is tired and doesn’t want to wake up. Sometimes, it the same thing at night before bed because she claims she isn’t tired and doesn’t want to go to sleep. Yet, I always remind her how she acts like a crazy person in the morning and throws a fit because she is tired and doesn’t want to wake up.

Raelynn has always been a picky eater. She’s never really ate great, or a lot, unless she is going through a growth spurt. It is literally like pulling teeth to get her to eat. I made the decision a long time ago, that I was only going to make her one thing for dinner, and if she doesn’t eat it, then she doesn’t eat for the night. But, I leave her plate on the table, so if she decides she wants to eat, then she can go back to the table and eat whatever I made her for the night. She likes to tell me what she wants to eat, and then say she doesn’t like it or doesn’t want it. It goes right through me. I get so angry because I know she is hungry. Last night, she waited until 20 minutes before she went to bed to eat. Then I didn’t let her eat that much because I wanted her food to settle so she didn’t have a stomach ache.

And OMG…this girl does not listen for shit. Scott and I will tell her things 2, 3, 4, 10 times and she will boldly look at us right in the eye and then do the complete opposite.

Last night at soccer she had an EPIC meltdown. First, someone stepped on her toe that already had a boo-boo on it and reopened it up. Then her grandma split a cook in half so her and Briar could share and Raelynn didn’t want her to. And that was all she wrote. I thought at any minute Raelynn’s head was going to start spinning in circles. She was screaming, raising her voice, yelling. I was like, we have got to get home before someone calls CPS on me because I was going to wear her ass out for acting like that. People kept trying to calm her down and I could just tell it wasn’t going to work. It took a good 30 minutes for her to calm down once when finally got home. All over a fucking cookie. Jesus.

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It’s just a combination of all of the above that makes me crazy with Raelynn. She is already just so freaking sassy and has a major attitude and she loves to push things to the absolute limit. Then, when we have to get on her, she basically loses her shit. I don’t even know if this is a phase or if she will be like this for the rest of her life…haha, I hope not.

Hoping for a nice, peaceful weekend. Scott has been out of town the majority of this week so it’s just been a little stressful. This weekend is Mother’s Day and we actually have zero plans which makes me so happy. And it’s supposed to be nice and hot, so hopefully it’s the first pool day of the season!

Have a great weekend and Happy Mother’s day to all the mom’s out there!

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–The Kentucky Momma

I Understand Why Divorce Happens…

As I’ve said many times in 2018, this year has been really tough on me, personally. I’m trying really hard to work through it, but I just feel like I always get knocked down. Throughout all of my personal issues, it’s also been tough on my marriage. Honestly, it’s not just this year that has been hard, but the past couple of years. And when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, I can totally understand how people get divorced at this stage of their marriage. For the record, Scott and I are not getting divorced, but I’m just saying, I get it how easily it can happen. I’ll explain.

This is 100% my opinion, but marriage is really hard. And just when you think you have everything figured out and it’s smooth sailing, something else happens. Scott and I have been together as a couple for 15 years. Literally half of my life. We have went through many stages of life together. Some of it has been perfect and others, not so much. We started dating when I was a freshman in high school and he was a senior. There isn’t much to say about this period in life except it’s fun. You can’t really do anything, you spend a lot of money on going to the movies and going out to eat. But, in reality, you don’t REALLY know each other. We dated for 5 years before we moved in together. That’s when you learn all the quirks about each others personality. Scott breathes really loud and snores when he sleeps and I hate it. He hates when I don’t wash the sink out after I’ve brushed my teeth. We lived together for 5 years before we got married. Nothing really changed when we got married. It was still just “us”, as it had been for the past 5 years. At this point we thought we knew everything about one another.

Then, we had Raelynn. And I think both of world’s were rocked. Again, totally my opinion, but there is nothing that prepares you for that first baby. You can read all the books and take all the classes, but, really, nothing prepares you. Obviously, I had a hard time with Raelynn in the beginning, but even if she was the perfect baby, I think it would have still be complicated. Scott and I essentially were giving up 10 years of “us” and we had to figure out how to be a family of 3. It wasn’t easy at all. As I’m sure everyone is aware, this is when I started to suffer from post partum depression and severe anxiety. I think I have probably always had a form of anxiety, but nothing to the extent that I have it now. I was not prepared for the mental and emotional change that I was experiencing and Scott wasn’t either. I changed. And I didn’t like it. And I know he didn’t either. And I’ve not been “normal” since then. When I started to get help through therapy and CrossFit, it definitely got better, but never back to “normal”. I think it’s safe to say that I suffered from post partum depression for 1 entire year after I had Raelynn. That’s a really long time. Now imagine, trying to be a “couple” during this.

We really started to hit some major bumps in the road when I was pregnant with Briar. Raelynn started to become a little more self-sufficient, and Scott took advantage of this and was going out a lot. And I was sitting at home with Raelynn. It’s not all his fault. I allowed it to happen. But there was a point that I made him question if he wanted to live a life with me or at the bars, because the way our life was going, was not what I wanted. I was jealous, and envious of his life style. I was making the majority of the sacrifices while he still lived his life. His life at that time did not include me because pregnant Keisha did not fit in at the bar. He was getting a glimpse of his old life, while I was growing a new life. If I’m being 100% honest, I don’t think we have every fully recovered from this.

After Briar was born, we tried to figure out how to be a family of 4 and it was extremely harder than I anticipated. As you can imagine, Briar was attached to me in every way possible. And Raelynn grew fonder of Scott. I had a hard time dealing with that. Briar wanted NOTHING to do with Scott for the first year of her life. Scott had a hard time dealing with that. I had a very restricted diet of no dairy while breastfeeding Briar because she had a sensitivity to dairy. I did not want to go out to eat anywhere because I was scared I would accidentally ingest dairy because people do not take allergies seriously.

So, where does that leave Scott and I? As a couple, in the past 2 years, I would say we maybe had 5 date nights. We have only had 2 date nights since Briar was born. In the past 4 years, our marriage has faced a lot of change. In particular, I have changed a lot. And it’s not by choice. For me, being a mom has changed me. I know it’s not all about “us” anymore. We have 2 beautiful lives to take care of. But, we don’t make enough time for “us” at all. 5 date nights…in 2 years….Since kids, we have really, really struggled with this.

I think our biggest challenge right now is that I need more from him, because I’ve changed. Because of what I’ve been through with the miscarriages, and probably not having any more kids, I’ve changed. I don’t know why. I wish I was normal, but I’m not. I need more from my husband, because for the past 3 years it’s been all about other people, our kids. And I get that it’s supposed to be about our kids, but our marriage is really challenging right now, because I need more from him. It’s just hard right now. There is no other way to put it.

I’ve always joked because I’m super low maintenance. I don’t wear make up unless it’s a special occasion, I don’t get dressed up, I don’t need to be coddled, or kissed, or talk to you 24/7; like, take me to Rooster’s or Hooter’s, order me some wings and pitcher of beer and I’m good. I’ve been the same way in our relationship for 15 years.

And now, after 15 years, I need more. I want to be coddled and kissed. And I want to be paid more attention to. I don’t want to feel like roommates, because sometimes, that’s how I feel. We have gotten ourselves into such a bad routine of not paying attention to each other. We don’t go out or do anything as a couple. The last time we did, we literally sat at the bar and drank some beer and barely said anything to one another. I don’t even know who we are anymore. When did we get to the point that we have nothing to talk about when we are alone?

Scott has remained the exact same way for 15 years, and I have finally changed after 15 years. So, yea, I get why people get divorced. If you are not willing to accept the change or compromise, I get it. If you are not willing to make time for one another, divorce will inevitably happen. Marriage is hard. Change is hard. Adapting to what another person needs is hard, especially when they have been the same way for 15 years. I think that many people do not expect to change or do not expect major life events to change them. I thought that. Never in a million years did I think I would be the person I am today. But, here I am, trying to figure out who I am and what I need. Maybe having a midlife crisis in the midst of everything.

It’s complicated. I’m complicated. Scott is not complicated. We aren’t in a bad place at all, but we are not in the best place that we could be. I don’t know that anyone is in the best place they could be in their marriage, but I’d like to strive towards that. I know that every marriage has its ups and downs, and an actual perfect marriage is probably non-existent, but I think we would both like to get to a place where we can actually go to bar alone and have drinks and have an actual conversation. That’s my idea of a perfect marriage 🙂

I do know that Scott is my one and only. I do not ever want to be with anyone else. He has truly been with me in the worst of times and in the best of times. He has witnessed me at rock bottom, and even at the lowest point in my life, he didn’t give up on me. I know this is just a rather long bump in the road for our marriage, but I would like to think that we will pull through this and be stronger than ever.

I hope divorce is never in our vocabulary.

Until next time…

–The Kentucky Momma

New Jobs??

For a very long time, CrossFit has been my sanity. It has been my anxiety and depression medicine. It has been my release from a stressful day at work. It’s been focusing on me for one hour out of my whole day. I could go on forever. It’s so much more than just a workout. Every CrossFit box that I’ve worked out at has the most amazing community. They are so inviting. No one tries to be better than you. Everyone tries to help you. A lot of time, people are helping you through things that they aren’t even aware of. I’m just so incredibly passionate about CrossFit. It’s my thing. I know it’s not everyone’s and that’s perfectly fine. I tried the Anytime Fitness route for about 10 years and I was never consistent. I would go for 3-6 months at a time and then I would just stop going. 10 years of this process….It truly pisses me off to think how much better shape I would have been in if I just would have joined CrossFit that long ago. And my mental state probably would have been a lot better as well. CrossFit just works for me and I’m just glad that I found that thing that works.

**As we sit here not making enough money to currently pay our monthly bills** I’ve been thinking…why couldn’t I open my own CrossFit gym? How possible or impossible would this be? I’ve had the thought in my mind for a while. I just know how much it helps me in more areas than physically; therefore, I would love to be able to help someone else out. I would want to open one close to where I live because there is currently not a CrossFit gym anywhere in a 20 minute radius.

In our current financial state, it’s pretty impossible. The initial investment if I were to rent a place would be $75k. This would include the equipment and a couple of months rent, and payroll. In a perfect world, I would love to have my own land and my own building. There is actually a perfect piece of land for sale now, and just for shits and giggles, I looked it up……6 acres for $2M….TWO MILLION DOLLARS. Like what in the actually fuck? Okay…bye to my dreams of owning a CrossFit gym…

In all honestly, renting a place out would be doable, but I think it would require a lot more work to get it to a CrossFit standard. And this project would not be for another 5-10 years. We aren’t talking quitting my job and trying to get this thing up and moving. We have to get our money right first before I can attempt to run another business. I fully plan on telling the financial adviser about this to see what his thoughts are. He will probably fire us.

So, I’m not sure if what I’m going through is a mid-life crisis or what, but I am just really unsure if I want to sit behind a desk all day. I have a great job now, with great benefits, it mostly pays the bills, I’m actually really good at what I do, but do I really want to do this forever? Like, really, really?? My initial answer is no, but I really don’t feel like I have a choice, like the rest of America. I’m sure that if anyone actually had an unlimited resource of money, their dream job would not be to sit at a desk all day. I really enjoyed running the bookkeeping business, but I was in way over my head. It was a great experience and I have zero regrets from start to finish of that business. I would love to own my own business again one day. CrossFit makes sense.

On top of my potential mid life crisis, Scott may or may not be experiencing one as well. Scott does not make the money that he should be making for a couple of different reasons. He has been a mechanic for the past 12 years. In the past 6-8 years he has specifically been an engine mechanic. Scott gets paid by the job, not hourly. So, if he has an engine job assigned to him and the book says this particular job pays 10 hours, he gets paid 10 hours no matter how long it takes him. If it took him 8 hours, he still gets paid 10 hours. If it takes him 14 hours, he still gets paid 10 hours. Some jobs can work to his advantage, but the majority of his engine jobs take exactly what the book says, or even more. He’s explained to me that sometimes the job gets held up because of parts or something like that and he can’t go on to something else because this car is holding up his rack and he doesn’t have another rack to use. The company he is currently at, he worked at for 7 years, then left for 1 1/2 years to go to another dealership, and now he is back and has been back for 1 1/2 years, maybe? And now he isn’t happy again. He has recently told me that he doesn’t want to turn wrenches for the rest of his life. So I asked him, what else do you want to do? He told me there is another position within the dealership that he wouldn’t mind taking. It’s called a service writer. Basically if you take your car in for work, it’s the person that greets you and writes up everything that you are having done to your car. He ended up telling his current boss this and he has been passed up twice for this position now. Now he is just really pissed and really unhappy.

Again, I asked him, what else would you want to do?

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**As we sit here not making enough money to currently pay our monthly bills** He tells me he wants to open a pizza joint where we live at. He watches Bar Rescue all the time so he thinks he knows all the tricks of the trade when it comes to running a restaurant/bar. He wants it to be like a sports bar. Like my idea of wanting it close to where we live, there is really no competition other than your regular pizza chains. His idea is pretty out there considering neither of us have any knowledge about this industry. He’s talked about it a lot, and while it may never happen, I hope it does. And I hope it’s successful. If I tell the financial adviser about this one, he will really fire us.

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Somewhere between self-help, financial struggles, anxiety, depression, life…..there is CrossFit and a Pizza Joint in our dreams. Maybe I will be able to buy the 6 acres of land for $2M and put them both on the same land!

Okay…no….

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Financial Struggles

On top of everything else going on in 2018, Scott and I have been facing some pretty severe financial issues. It’s one of those situations where everything kind of hits at once.

'All those years you struggled financially, I stood by you. It's my turn for a little piece of the pie.'

It started right after we had Briar in the beginning of 2017. We were definitely more mentally prepared to have Briar than we were financially. I took off work for 6 full weeks and it was paid at 100% of my salary. After the first 6 weeks, if I decided I wanted to take off more, it would be unpaid, or I could go back to work and get paid. I guess I took the best of both worlds and I went back part time for 6 weeks and was paid 60% of my salary and then at 12 weeks, I went back full time. Briar didn’t have to go to daycare until she was 12 weeks old. At that time, our daycare bill doubled, and also at that time I had my last and biggest student loan that I had to start paying on. It may not seem like a lot, but between the two of those, it was an additional $600/monthly that we just did not account for. At the time, we did have a savings account with a nice chunk of change in it. Every month when we needed the money, I would slowly transfer over month, until the next month we needed money again, and again… you get the picture. Then, one day at the end of 2017, we didn’t have any more money to transfer over. In every sense, it was one of those, “OH SHIT” moments. I didn’t know what we were going to do.

Several of Scott’s family member started seeing a financial adviser. I assumed this was going to be our way out so I scheduled a meeting with him. We needed help. Scott and I both were so tired of worrying about money. For me, it was very frustrating because I deal with money all day long, yet, here I am in the position of not being able to handle our own money. I felt so embarrassed. When we met with the financial adviser we had to provide a listing of our current expenses and monthly income. Quite literally, we did not and still do not make enough money to cover our monthly expenses. This is not a joke at all. This sucks a lot.

So, our number one goal for this year has been to cut expenses. So far this year we have cut $650 in monthly expenses. It’s actually been a pretty simple process. We changed our home and auto insurance and we are saving close to $100/monthly on that. We had been with the same insurance company for 10 years and we were just under the impression that we were getting the best rate. I encourage you to shop around because I can pretty much tell you that you aren’t getting the best rate. We got a really good tax return this year because we were able to claim 2 kids for the first time and we were able to claim a large portion of the daycare expense. With our tax return, we paid off our credit card, Scott’s car, a small dental bill that I had, and the down payment on our house. The credit card only had $2,000 on it and it was pretty much all from Christmas shopping. That saved $100/monthly. We saved $150/monthly by paying off Scott’s car, we saved $50/monthly paying off my dental bill, and we saved $100/monthly paying off our down payment assistance that we received on the house. A couple other savings that range month to month are we plan our grocery visits better and try to stay under $200/weekly. We try to limit our spending to a certain amount each week, which has been way better than before. Our weekly spending used to be out of control and I blame this majorly on Scott. He used to go out to eat all the time for lunch. Not so much anymore.

YET, WE STILL DON’T MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO COVER OUR MONTHLY EXPENSES. We are still $650/monthly in the hole. And this is not a joke. When we started this journey, it was just under $1300/monthly that we were short. I literally do not even know how we were making it. Still, I have a hard time understanding how we are making it now. Each month I still have to “play” around will the bills to figure out which I can pay at the very last minute. Yet, we never, ever pay bills late.

We are now in the process of refinancing our house to lower the payment and I am considering refinancing the truck. When we refinance the house, we will be able to skip 2 house payments, and if I’m calculating correctly, it will give me enough money to pay off another small debt which will either be medical bills, or a small student loan that I have. The only debt we have now is medical bills from having the kids, all of my student loans (3), the truck, and the house. But, the latter 3 are rather huge payments each month and that is what is killing us…

It’s definitely been an eye opening experience. The financial adviser assured me that we weren’t spending our money wrong. He saw almost a year’s worth of our bank statements. We weren’t incurring a huge amount of credit card debt, going on shopping sprees, or just plain spending money outrageously. We just simply had “too much” debt, but it was inevitable debt, essentially.. I wished we had gone to him before we decided to have kids; in all reality, maybe before we even moved out 10 years ago. We would be in a much better position right now and we wouldn’t have to be stressing about money now. But, I’m also glad that we are at least doing this now, instead of 20 years down the road. And we can share this knowledge with our kids in hopes that they will not ever have to be in our situation.

So, with all of that said, I will bring together my last two posts….“Self” Issues and this one…

…in my next post…

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

“Self” Issues

Since my reiki healing, I’ve started to have a lot of suppressed emotions surface. Jamie mentioned this could happen. In general, self esteem issues, self love issues, self worth issues, a lot of “self” issues. My whole life I have dealt with these issues. I’ve always been really hard on myself. If I don’t live up to my expectations that I have on myself I get really down on myself or I let whatever situation I’m currently living in, consume me.

I have to stop doing this. It relates directly to a lot of the guilt that I’m holding and burdening myself with. I am not perfect at all. Yet, I hold myself to perfection. I make mistakes everyday in my job, in my marriage, with my children, in my personal life, in my professional life. And in the moment, I feel as I am the only one that makes mistakes, when in reality EVERYONE makes mistakes and no one is perfect.

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There are so many items in my life right now that I am allowing to consume me and I really shouldn’t think twice about it:

  1. For the first time in a while, Scott and I went out this past weekend and we were gone all day long, we spent way too much money, and we had way too much fun. Queue the mom guilt. Leaving my kids all day, and then being really tired and useless the next day and letting all of the chores fall by the wayside while we recovered. We needed some time away. Yet, I feel guilty for it. Scott does not. I just need to be like Scott. We are going to be away from the kids all day Saturday and I’m already anxious about it.
  2. I constantly feel like my house is a disaster. I could clean all day long and it doesn’t matter. I feel like I get nothing accomplished. My kids closets are a disaster. They have clothes in there that do not fit them anymore, shoes that do not fit them, toys that they do not play with….the list is never ending. And it consumes me. It stresses me out so bad whenever I walk in a messy house.
  3. I am still having issues focusing at work. I read an article lately and it hit home. You Need to Practice being your Future Self. This person described in this article is almost exactly how I am at work. It’s made me question my career choice lately. I’m in a powerful position, but I don’t know that I want a desk job for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself that I’m in a rut and it will pass…at 30 years old, I am unsure if I know what I want to be when I grow up…

I’m just having a hard time balancing life right now and it sucks.

I have been trying so hard to make my life positive for 2018 and it’s just not happening. There are positive aspects to my life, I just feel like I cannot get my shit together. And a lot of the times, I feel like I’m the only person screwing up at life. Logical Keisha knows that I am not the only person screwing up at life, I’m just really hard on myself, but crazy Keisha thinks that she is the only mom, wife, professional that does not have her shit together.

That’s why the article mentioned above hit home so much. I live in a past and present state of mind. I do not think about my future self and my future life enough. I am tired of living my life this way. Constantly feeling like less of a person and constantly feeling overwhelmed.

All of this is stemming from one of my new year’s resolutions to be more positive. Starting TOMORROW 🙂 4/17, I am going to try and incorporate positive things and ways to be more productive in my life. Clearly, my current routine isn’t working. So something has to change. And I have to take the initiative to make that change.

  1. I really want to wake up earlier. If I give myself ample time to get my life together in the morning, I know it will help set up a more productive and positive day. Currently, I rush in the morning because I know exactly how late I can sleep in order to get to work on time and I push it until the very last second. I rush getting ready and it just makes for a stressful morning.
  2. I emailed Jamie, the person mentioned in my last post, in regards to how I can successfully meditate. I’ve never done this before, but I’d like to start doing this for a short amount of time in the morning. I wanted to ask Jamie, specifically, because she has been such a help for me. I know she will be able to help with this as well.
  3. Incorporate more positive affirmations into my life. If I ever feel down, I just want to be able to read something positive to uplift me.
  4. I want to read more. I love to read, but I never make enough time for it. I have a couple of self-help books that are just collecting dust at home.
  5. Carve out more time for just Scott and I. It’s 100% our fault, but we ALWAYS put our relationship last. We got out with friends every once in a while, but we NEVER go out, just us two. I’d like to start doing something monthly and it doesn’t have to be going out to eat, or whatever, it can be just hanging out, just us two.

I realize that I’m not going to be able to accomplish all 5 of these things in 1 day, but it’s just something to strive towards. And writing stuff down holds me accountable. I want to improve my life and I’m going to take action to do so. I do not want to be the reason my life sucks. I want to be the reason that it’s awesome.

So…to be continued? I guess?

 

–The Kentucky Momma

The Babies :)

So much negativity lately, so how about a change of pace…

Raelynn will be 4 in 4 months.

Briar is almost 15 months old.

They are growing so fast.

Following up from Briar is ONE…she is evolving into her personality. Man, I thought Raelynn was full of it, nope…Briar is going to be a handful. She is a little diva. She constantly says “No”, “Uh-oh”, “Dada”, “Dog-Dog”, “Mama” (only when she wants something), and “Rae Rae” once in a blue moon. We started some sign language with her when she was about one. Just basics that we knew, “more”, “eat”, “drink”, “please”, and “thank you”. She uses “more” all the time because this child always wants more food. Oh my god, she can put down some food. She constantly has a beer gut because she gets so backed up still too. We have recently tried some prune juice. She didn’t take to it as well as Raelynn did, but when she actually does drink it, she goes to the bathroom good. I’m trying to get her off the baby food prunes. She still has hard poops even with baby food prunes. It’s so terrible. I literally have to help her each time by driving her knees into her stomach to get it out. I know, it sounds terrible, but it’s the only thing that works. **Praying the prune juice will be our savior**

She still only has two teeth. I cannot believe it. When she sprouted her first two at 9 months, I was like, okay, this is it, here we go….then nothing…So she is still somewhat of a toothless wonder.

Briar is slowly not being so attached to me. It’s nice because I can breathe a little bit. Before she was up my butt 24/7. She wanted nothing to do with Scott, so it just made it difficult. As the months go by, she is slowly needing me to hold her less, she goes to Scott a little more, but, she is becoming more independent than anything. Just in the past week or two, her and Raelynn actually play together. It’s probably the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. So, all in all, we are going in a good, positive direction!

I didn’t really get to talk about changing her over from breast milk to alternate milk and just our dairy free journey coming to an end in general. We slowly introduced dairy through the dairy ladder. At this point, we have tried everything expect milk directly. And I am going to keep it that way. More than anything, for her constipation issues. Dairy is really bad about causing constipation so we still try and limit it for the most part. Towards the end of breastfeeding, I started incorporating some of the pumped milk that had cow’s milk in it and she did okay. But, what I find most interesting is the color. It’s so crazy, but so awesome.

In order, the bags of milk are dated 1/28/2017, 2/6/2017, 2/8/2017, 2/18/2017, 3/17/2017. On 1/28/2017, she was only 6 days old so that explains the super yellow milk because it’s colostrum. But actually seeing the change go from yellow, to gradually whiter, and then even the last bag in March looks a little yellower.

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Whenever I decided our breastfeeding journey was coming to an end, I decided that I was going to keep her off whole cow’s milk and try to decide on another alternate milk. Through a ton of research, the main reason why whole cow’s milk is recommended after a year is because the calories are high and the fat content is high which aids in brain development. Many other alternative milks do not have this type of ingredient makeup at all. I was a part of a dairy free breastfeeding board on Facebook and the main consensus was Silk Almond/Cashew Milk with added Protein and Ripple Rice Milk. We actually use both of these now and she loves them. I chose these milks because they are very high in calories and they do have a higher fat content, also the protein they have in each are also nice additions.

 

And my big Raelynn. She is changing so much, too. She is evolving into the best big sister. She ALWAYS, for real, ALWAYS wants to carry Briar around. It’s hilarious. She reads to her all the time, she always wants to play with her. But, she bully’s the shit out of her, but not maliciously. She wants to play, so she slings her around like a rag doll. She pushes her sometimes. I keep telling her that I can’t wait for Briar to get bigger because she is going to get what is coming to her.

I’m a great mom 🙂

Raelynn is going to be just like me. She is a little controller of all things, but I can already see her “worry” in a lot of situations. In my opinion, more so than what a normal child of her age should worry. She overthinks a lot of situations. I know a typical toddler asks, “Why?” a millions times a day, but her “Why’s” are valid for the most part and a little deeper than just “Why”. I will be really sad if she gets my anxiety. My therapist told me that I probably had anxiety as a kid and I was probably a worrier. Looking back, I was definitely a worrier. I hope that Raelynn isn’t like me in this aspect.

Here are a couple of pictures of the girls over the past couple of months.

 

That’s all I got.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Reiki Healing/Energy Work

2 weeks have passed since my last post. It’s been a while since I have let that much time get in between posts. But, I have needed the mental break for the moment.

Since I have been struggling so bad, I ended up going back to see the person, Jamie, that did my chakragraph reading. She does reiki healing or energy work. It’s basically her calling upon spirits to go through my chakras and get rid of the bad energy. Yes, I know, it sounds a bit crazy, but, I encourage you to keep reading. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into, but at this point, what could it hurt? Plus, she is just such a good soul. If for one minute, I could not think about all this mess going on, then it would be worth it.

I walked in, and her place is just so comforting. We sat down and she asked how I had been doing. She was aware of my miscarriage, but not about my uterus. I didn’t want to offer too much information because I wanted her to tell me things. Of course, typical Keisha was already crying before anything started.

I don’t know how to describe this, but I laid down in the bed, but it wasn’t a bed, it was comparable to a hospital bed, but it wasn’t that either. I know…that makes perfect sense, right? Anyways, she told me that she would just be scanning my body with her hands, but not touching me to see where my energy was for the moment. She got to my heart and said she could tell it was big, but it was full of hurt right now. She then went to my left shoulder. She asked if it had been hurting. And it had been for about 6-8 weeks now. She told me that it looked like spider webs, just layers and layers of spider webs. She touched my shoulder and then swung this pendulum over my shoulder with her other hand. She explained this was one of the tools that she used to help rid my body of bad energy and put good energy back in. The pendulum swung in circles and then when it stopped, the bad energy was released and then she would start swinging it again to put the good energy in.

Whenever she was finished with the initial assessment which didn’t take long, it was mainly my shoulder, she started at the top of my head and went all the way down to my feet, covering all chakras. There are 7 of them.

Working-with-your-chakras

I was told that I may feel like I was in a dream like state, but I never did. I was fully aware of everything that was going on, for the most part.

At each chakra, we had to get to the root of the bad energy, and then it would release. When it was released, she would fill it back up with good energy. I don’t remember on all the chakras what was the actual root of the bad energy. Some were more prevalent than others, and that’s why I remember them more.

She started at my crown. I don’t really remember any details from this except that she was pulling in my anxious energy.

In my brow area, which is my third eye, she immediately picked up my childhood. She asked if I lived somewhere with wooden stairs. The only place this could have been was my mama’s, which is my mom’s mom. We lived there for a couple of years, but after we moved out, I was there often because it was just me and my mom for a long time and my grandma would babysit me because she didn’t work. She said she was picking up spirit there and asked if I ever felt it. When I was older, my mom told me that when I was little, I used to have an imaginary friend. Jamie immediately said that was definitely spirit. After my healing session, I asked my mom if it was always at mama’s house and she said yes.

At my throat, things started to get interesting. In my chakragraph, my throat was blocked. It was still blocked. It just means that I’m having a communication breakdown with one or more people. We got to the root of who it was and the pendulum stopped swinging. Crazy.

I can’t remember if it was at my throat, or with my heart, but she told me that a specific spirit was present for me. She said she smelled of perm and she lived in a yellow house. I have absolutely no idea who this was. I still do not have any idea. I have asked my mom afterwards and she doesn’t know either. I guess I need to expand my search.

Then onto the heart, which I knew would be a bad one. I started crying right off the bat. She stuck some kleenex under my leg if I needed them. She could obviously feel my broken heart. I can’t remember exactly how we got on my dad, but we did. I can’t really remember what all was said, but she asked if he had a mustache, and I said yes. Then she asked if it was like a Tom Selleck mustache and I just started laughing because she was right on the money. Proof:

I think the heart is also where guilt came up. I am harboring a lot of guilt for wanting three kids. I can’t get over the fact that I want another one when I have two healthy babies at home. Jamie has been the first person to make me feel like it’s okay that things weren’t as I had pictured them. Everyone ALWAYS says, “Well, at least this…and at least that…” Jamie allowed me to FEEL.  She allowed me to cry for a minute. I went to lift my head up just a little to grab the tissues under my leg and I could barely lift my head up. I told her my head felt so incredibly heavy. She very calmly said, “That’s because spirit is holding your head.”

OKAYYYY………

I also just remembered that was one of the main reasons for my shoulder hurting, carrying burdens or burdening myself with things that aren’t necessary. Guilt came up one other time as well.

Also in the heart she asked what I was doing for self-care. What was I doing to make peace with everything. I told her that’s why I was here because I literally do not know what to do with myself. She asked if me and Scott had recently talked about going on a weekend getaway. In our therapy session, the therapist asked if this was possible for us. We just kinda shrugged our shoulders and moved on. The idea sounded nice, but with a million different factors, I wasn’t sure either of us would really make the move to do it. Just two days before my appointment with Jamie, I had looked up the Cincinnati Reds schedule. We both like baseball, and we had talked about Cincinnati in the past because it’s close and we could go for a day and stay the night and then come home the next. I shit you not, Jamie asked if we liked baseball. I laughed and said, yes. She asked if I had been thinking about going to Cincinnati. I just shook my head and said yes. She said, “Go to a game. The spirits will be on your side for good weather. Oh, and bribe your husband with a beer, because that apparently gets him everywhere.” LOL I was dead. All of this was just so accurate. She said that we needed this. We need this time together to be “carefree” and focus on us, and I would assume that it’s going to help get me out of this funk. She brought up my anger, which I’ve been having a lot of. *Disclaimer – I”m not an animal abuser and I don’t condone animal abuse* She said, in a laughing manner, “Stop kicking the dogs.” Just that very day, I was trying to get out the door and Scarlet wouldn’t get back, my hands were full, with the door open, we live on a busy road, I was yelling at her, and she wasn’t listening. All of the terrible scenarios were going through my head, “Yes, this is it. This is going to be the time she darts out on the road and gets hit by a car.” So I gave her a swift nudge with my foot on her butt to move her along……And now I know, I’m always being watched…..

I just had another thought too, but I guess it doesn’t mean anything right now, but I just want to write it before I forget. She kept telling me the wind element was on my side. I will have to research that.

We got to the solar energy and I remember it took us a long time to get through this one. She told me she saw a new diet in my future. I recently started a low carb diet to give keto a try. I am not going full on keto, just low carb to see if I can actually function. I’m still not convinced that I am going to go on keto, but I’m doing okay with low carb for the moment. She said I wasn’t getting enough calories. For the moment, I am on a caloric deficit by choice. She also told me that there was a golden beer that hurts my stomach. I couldn’t really figure this one out. I drink Bud Light, which I wouldn’t really consider “golden”, but my beer palette has been expanding. And I don’t know of any that have gave me a stomach ache…so, I don’t know?? Jamie said a white house kept coming up. The house we currently live in has white vinyl siding. But, the house I lived in growing up was white brick. So I brought up both. She asked which one had the big porch. I told her it was the one that I currently live in. I asked what the significance of it was and she said, “They are telling me to tell you to get your shit off the porch.” I just busted out laughing. The side and the back of the porch are a mess. We haven’t really had a good day to go outside and clean stuff up. I have been wanting to make some pallet furniture for the back porch so I can sit out there, but I haven’t had the time. So I guess this is the push that I needed. Jamie said that I needed to make it welcoming. I have been talking to some of the girls about having mimosa’s on like a Sunday morning or something at the house when it gets warmer, so maybe this is what I need.

Then the sacral which is the reproductive organs. I told her to just sit back and relax because everything was about to happen. This was the whole reason I was here. To this point, we had not discussed my uterus at all. The pendulum started over my uterus and she was confused. She said she saw a healthy, pink uterus. I didn’t say anything. She then said, “It looks to be functioning, but it’s in the shape of a heart?” She was confused, but she had hit the nail on the head. I gave her some small details that she was correct. I still wanted to see what else she could pick up. Emotions that kept coming up were guilt and failure. Guilt on myself and that my body had failed me, which are the exact emotions I was feeling and I’ve even quoted them in a couple of blog posts. I explained to her that Scott and I hadn’t directly spoke about it, but we feel as though the decision has been made for us that we are not having any more kids. And it’s heartbreaking for me. And it’s a lot for me to deal with. And I don’t know how to deal with it. She said whenever I let go of the guilt that I’m harboring and start a self-care routine, I will feel better.

Then, onto the root. In the picture above, it shows just below the sacral, but for me, she went to my feet. She immediately asked if I had been thinking about taking CBD oil. Like, what in the actual hell? I haven’t really talked about it on here, or even told a lot of people, but to answer your inquiring minds, YES, I have been. *After I left, I pulled up my internet on my phone and it was on the research I had been doing on CBD oil.* CBD oil was my option C on dealing with my anxiety. CBD oil is an extraction from cannabis (aka marijuana), but the psychosis inducing ingredient (the ingredient that makes you feel high if you smoke marijuana), is left out. So, essentially, you get all the feel good effects minus the high.

It’s just such a touchy subject. I have been talking to Scott about CBD oil or pot to deal with my anxiety instead of anxiety medicine. He never said no, and he never said yes. Jamie told me the spirits 100% supported the decision for the CBD oil. That was all the affirmation I needed. This is going off topic a little bit, but I feel it’s something that I want to talk about. That exact night, I ended up telling a friend about my healing session with Jamie and that I had been thinking about the CBD oil. She told me she knew someone that could get it in a way that I could vape it. I hesitated, but then the next day, I said, let’s do it.

The first time I tried it was Monday night, April 2. I felt very relaxed and a little sleepy. I might have done a little too much because I wasn’t sure what to expect. Even though I had done the research, I thought I might feel a little high LOL, but I didn’t. Throughout the week, I have been trying to figure out a dosage and I think I finally have. I was doing 3 times a day, just a hit or two; but now I’m down to 2. I think 2 will work for me. I can see every once in a while maybe doing 3 times a day.

Just in the short week that I’ve been doing it, I can already tell it’s working for me. Raelynn was supposed to start soccer this Thursday. Last year, I was freaking out when she had soccer. This was changing my schedule that I worked so hard to create and maintain. It completely threw me off balance. I was an anxious mess. This year, who cares! I can’t wait to see Raelynn play soccer! That’s HUGE for me. HUGE. While we were getting ready for soccer Raelynn accidentally knocked a bead set off a shelf onto the floor and it went everywhere. Little, tiny, small beads everywhere. She was almost in tears and saying sorry a million times over. I was cool and calm and collected and I said, it’s okay, we will deal with it later, we just have to make sure Briar doesn’t come in here. Me last week probably would have went the fuck off. That makes me so sad that I would act like that, especially to Raelynn when it was just an accident. It’s so nice to see things with a clear head.

For the past 4 months, I have had a roller coaster of emotions. Anxiety has been the one that has spiraled out of control, just taking me to a dark place. With one week of CBD oil, I feel like a new person. It’s such a shame that more people are not aware of this and/or are hesitant to use it.

Sorry, that was way off subject, but I wanted to share my experience.

There were more things that were said, but I can’t remember them all. Whenever I say I can’t remember, it’s just that other stories stuck out more than others. I was fully aware of everything going on the whole time.

When she was finished with the energy work, she shook this homemade rattle thing over me to seal all the work she had done, then without touching, she scanned my body with her hands again to “release” me from spirit that was holding me down. She told me to slowly get up, and my head was not heavy anymore. So weird, and cool. I was laying down for 2 hours, so I figured I would be a little lightheaded whenever I sat up. I sat there for minute and said, “Well, I feel drunk, is that normal?” She laughed and said to wait a minute. I told her I still felt drunk. She told me to hang my legs over the side of the bed, she put both hands on my knees, she said to envision and feel my crown, and then proceeded to go through all 7 chakras. When it was over she said, “Okay, do you still feel drunk.” And I didn’t! So freaking weird! She then explained to me that I wasn’t all the way back in my body. So even though I was aware the whole time of everything going on, I was having an out of body experience. And whenever it was over, I just didn’t get all the way back in and that’s why I was feeling drunk. So crazy.

This experience was so enlightening and much needed. I’m so happy I decided to go. I asked her if this type of healing was something that people do on a regular basis, or as needed. She said that everyone is different, but some people use it as therapy. I can totally see myself doing this a couple of times a year. Every year, I am definitely getting a chakragraph done, but then maybe this energy work a couple of times a year.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma