I hate the Holiday’s

Every single year I try really hard to enjoy the holiday’s. But, every single year I am reminded why I hate the holiday’s.

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“What time will you be here?” “How long were you over there?” “We don’t get enough time with you.”

I swear to God, I try so hard to enjoy them, but it’s never enough. There is never enough of us to go around. And I hate it. We are pulled in 800 million different directions and I absolutely hate it. And everyone wants us to be at the same place at the same time.

For me, the hate started when I was young. My parents got divorced when I was 4, so around 1992. Anyone with divorced parents can relate to the push and pull between parents for the holiday’s. Trust me, I know I’m not alone in this. In 1997, my grandparents (mom’s side) got divorced after 30ish years of marriage and my mom remarried, all in the same year. I can remember NEVER staying at home all day long and playing with my new toys. The meaning of holiday’s for me is always, go, go, go. At one time, we had 5 stops on Christmas Day. F I V E. That is absolutely fucking crazy and stupid. I’m sorry, but it is. I don’t blame my parents, we just have a big family. There is nothing anyone can do about that.

I feel as though I will never truly enjoy the holiday’s until I can stay at home all day long for them. I secretly want it snow asshole deep on Christmas just so I don’t have to go anywhere. I would 100% love that. That would be my ideal Christmas.

As Thanksgiving approaches, the time dividing and clock watching already begins. We have three places to go on Thanksgiving, my grandma’s (mom’s mom), my dad’s, then Scott’s parents. We do not even visit my step dad’s side of the family at all that day. We just don’t have enough time. We will literally spend 2 hours at each place. Dragging 2 kids to 3 different places for 2 hours a piece. It just already sounds terrible to me. Trying to manage two kids and allocate enough time to everyone is just not going to happen effectively. I don’t know what else to do. It sucks.

Christmas is a whole other story, but is actually better. As soon as Raelynn was born, I put my foot down. I refused to go all these different places. The problem for me is, no one was willing to budge their schedules. And I do get it. Things have been the same for so long, and now here I am with a kid, trying to change everything around. I would probably be mad at me too. But, I’m just not doing it. I refuse. My grandma (mom’s mom) was willing to change her schedule to accommodate us (everyone). She is very understanding. I believe she just enjoys spending time with all of us no matter what day it is. And I wish more people were like that. Last year, since we had the bigger house, my parents actually came over in the morning which helped us tremendously. Being able to let Raelynn sleep in a little bit and then be able to put her to sleep for her nap in her bed for an hour or so was nice. They are understanding as well. I think they were sad that we didn’t go to their house, but again, I think they were just happy to spend time with us.

Christmas for us looks like this: Weekend before, we go to my grandmas (mom’s mom), Christmas Eve we do my dad’s, Christmas Day we have our Christmas at the house, then my parents come over, then we go to Scott’s parents, then we go to my Papa Hermie’s house. And we don’t get home until late. Which sucks, but this year, I bet we will go home earlier  because of Briar. Especially if we decide to skip naps.

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It will be interesting this year to add Briar to the mix. This will be her first Christmas, but she will almost be a year old, so it will be a fun one! I was really hoping she would be walking by then, but it’s almost a month away and it’s not looking promising.

In short, if you’ve ever saw the movie “Four Christmas’s”, that’s why my life is like. If you haven’t and you are in a similar situation, I encourage you to watch it. It’s a comic relief for my reality.

Okay, I’m done bitching.

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I”m not sure I will have anything interesting for you to read before Thanksgiving, so I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving! Eat ALL the food! 🙂

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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Not even sure what Month it is anymore….

Welp, 9 months really threw us for a loop.

Cue growth spurt, minor sickness, AND TEETH all at the same time.

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I knew a growth spurt happened around 9 months so I was expecting it, but hoping it would pass with grace. Overall it wasn’t terrible. Briar definitely increased her breast milk intake temporarily in the form of night waking. Again, it most definitely was not terrible. I would feed her and she would go back to sleep. It was a trend for about a week or two. We’ve also almost completely transitioned her off of purees and onto actually people food, just cut up super small. I totally love this because she basically eats what we eat and it’s much less meal prep for me. I still buy fresh food, but I don’t have to do anything special with it.

Both girls have actually been really congested and snotty for a couple of weeks actually. It’s just unfortunately that time of year in the Ohio Valley. When the weather changes from hot to cold the sinus colds are pretty much inevitable.

And believe it or not, Briar is sprouting her two bottom teeth. I was absolutely amazed. If you are an avid reader…which I hope you are…Raelynn did not get her first tooth until she was 15 months old and it was her top tooth and I was done nursing at this point. I was actually hoping Briar would be the same so my nipples could be spared being bitten off. I’ve never nursed a baby with teeth so this should be an interesting journey. I know mom’s do it all the time, but I just never have.

And…in case you are wondering…today is November 15th which means we have already went to VEGAS!!!! and the most exciting thing is…AS OF THE DAY I LEFT, I HAD ENOUGH OF MY GLORIOUS DAIRY FREE MILK TO FEED BRIAR THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS GONE. I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that was out of the way. Now I really felt like I could go enjoy Vegas. And I did. We did. We lived Vegas up for the week we were there. We went out to clubs, we played Top Golf, we walked the strip, we literally drank every minute of every day..or so it felt like…Scott and I totally needed it. We needed the time away from kids. We needed the time to rekindle our relationship. And we did. **wink wink**

However…as you can imagine, my supply took a huge hit. It was a combination of missing pumps, not pumping consistently at the same time every day, not staying hydrated, not eating enough. Today, I am actually away for business and for the entire day, I barely pumped 10 ounces. Briar is still taking 24 ounces per day and nursing once at night. So, this is not good. Luckily, I have some extra milk to make up for what I am currently lacking, but starting next week (when I get back from business travel; hard to be consistent right now), I am going to pick up the power pumps again to hopefully regain some of my supply. At this point, I do not care about freezing any. I just want to be able to make enough. As of next week we will be 10 months in. I did a hard stop with Raelynn at 12 months, but I can totally see myself going longer just for the simple fact of Briar’s dairy sensitivity. Going longer for me will take a lot of will and perseverance because I am straight up over it. BUT, for a long time, the main thing for me was making enough milk for Vegas, and now I don’t have to worry about that so it’s a lot less stressful. And to know that end is somewhat in site takes some of the stress away too.

Speaking of traveling, I have been doing a lot more than I usually do. Two weeks before Vegas I went to California for 4 days, then Vegas for 6 days, and now I’m away for 3 days in North Carolina and South Carolina for work. And let me tell you…dragging around this big ass hospital grade pump is a pain in my fucking neck. For real. For personal travel, I have my purse, my pump, and my cooler to keep milk cold in. For business travel, it’s all of the previous listed plus my laptop. And I basically refuse to put any of it in the overhead bin. I could not imagine if my milk spilled or if my pump (not really my pump) somehow got broken. So, I’ve been doing A LOT of pumping and not a lot of nursing. I am currently on my last trip, at least I hope, until next March and I hope I’m done by then. If not, then someone better slap the shit out of me. Because I do not want to lug this pump and cooler around for another trip.

That’s about everything exciting that has happened over the last couple of weeks.

A couple of pictures over the last month:

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Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

To My First Born…

I’m all in my feelings lately with a lot of things. So here is this…

To my first born, Raelynn…

I love you.

I love every piece of you. My heart exploded when you entered this world. I had no idea what I was in for. I am learning a lot being a mom. More than I ever bargained for. More than I ever asked for.

I feel the need to say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I had no idea how to be a mom. I read ALL the books. And I did ALL the research. Nothing prepared me for motherhood.

You allowed me to learn. You tried to help me. In the beginning, I ignored a lot of signs. I ignored what felt natural because I simply did not know what to do.  When you cried for me, I just wanted to sit you down. I couldn’t console you. Nothing I did worked. I felt like a failure. You cried in my arms. You cried in the swing. You cried everywhere.

A couple of months in, we finally figured things out. But I regret a lot of things.

I regret not holding you more. I regret getting so frustrated with you. I do not regret, but I hate that my career didn’t work out so I could stay at home with you.

I really, really regret not holding you more.

I regret that NOTHING went as planned. Not a single thing. Not even how you entered this world.

But, from the moment you entered this world. My life has FOREVER changed for the better.

Over the past three years, I have watched you blossom into an amazing human being.

Thank you for being my first born.

Thank you for being my daughter.

Thank you for making me a mom.

No one else will ever be able to do what you’ve done for me.

I love you, Rae Rae.

Keish-31

 

 

 

Month 8 and almost 9….

I can’t believe I have an almost 9 month old. 12 more days and she will be 9 months. Time is literally flying by. I love it and I hate it.

I love it because, at this point, I’m sure everyone is aware how much I love breastfeeding <–that is sarcasm in case you missed it….

I hate it because, well, she’s almost 9 months old. Which means she’s not a baby anymore. And I don’t miss the baby stage, I just really miss her being little.

So, breastfeeding. OMG how I fucking loathe it this time around. I hate that I hate it. I know I’m like a broken record, but I am so ready for it to be over. Pumping update…I am still not having to pump at 8:30pm anymore, so thank the lord for that. I still have to pump 5 times a day…waking up a 5:00 a.m. (so ready for that to end)…to get what she needs for the day. I even thought to myself, well, we are 8 months in, SURELY, my supply is established enough to drop a pump at work. N O P E. Tried it for 3 days and I lost 3 ounces each day. So, then I had to power pump and all the bullshit just to get my supply back up.

I am very slowly storing milk. I have approximately 24 days, 22 hours, 17 minutes, and 15 seconds…but who’s counting…until V E G A S ! ! ! ! ! ! This continues to be my biggest nightmare, storing enough milk for her. I should probably be very diligent and try to count every single day, but I’m scared to find out how much milk I do not have saved for her. At last count, I had approximately 160 ounces. I realistically need around 7 days of milk…times 30 ounces…210 ounces of milk…so I still need to freeze around 50 ounces of milk in 24 days, 22 hours, 9 minutes, and 54 seconds….but who’s counting….

In more positive news, Briar is doing wonderful. She is a typical almost 9 month old, cruising around EVERYWHERE. Everything is “DA DA DA DA”, sometimes I get a “MA MA MA MA MA” out of her. She is the most smiley baby ever. I mean, literally smiles all the time. As soon as she wake up and we get her out of the crib, she smiles. She has the biggest, most infectious smile. I love it.

Briar is still napping pretty well too. She is lingering between 1 and 2 naps a day. At daycare she only takes 1 nap a day, but it’s pretty long. At home, she sometimes takes 1 and sometimes she takes 2, it just depends.

Raelynn is great as well. Her personality is SO big. Sometimes to the point that I if we are doing something wrong. She is me made over. All the way down to the attitude and controlling. She is getting into a lot of trouble at daycare every single day. Every day when I pick her up, I have to ask, “Raelynn, were you a good girl today?” Then she side eye’s the daycare provider to see if she can convince her to say she was a good girl. I would be 3, sometimes 4 out of the 5 days she goes there, I get a bad report. This week, it has involved hitting someone and tearing pages out of a book. I just wonder if I should be doing something more. Something different? Am I too harsh on her?

OMG Raelynn is in the stage of asking a million questions too…I swear I think she could ask about 5 questions in 30 seconds.

Raelynn – “Why? How come? Why not? How come? How Come?”

Me – “Because I said so.”

Raelynn – “But how come, Mommy?”

Raelynn is still playing soccer. And she really loves it. This past week, she scored 4 goals and she was so proud of herself. It made me beam with pride. Just to see your child so happy about something, it’s truly heartwarming. It’s still pretty overwhelming during the week, but it’s almost over. And I’m ready for it to be over. I enjoy that she enjoys it, but we are just still so busy….and continuing to get busier.

I don’t ever know when my life will slow down and I hate it. I sometimes feel like life is passing me by and I’m not even living it. I’m just on autopilot.

Hoping for something more insightful next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

We Skipped Naps. And No One Died.

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For real. This happened. And for anyone that knows me, knows this is huge.

I get it, it sounds so fucking dumb. But I am a creature of habit. I thrive on a schedule. And for me to break a schedule purposely…that’s a big freaking deal.

First of all, I don’t even know what my life is lately. We are so so so so so busy. It’s ridiculous. We have seriously been non-stop for months, it feels like. Our free time has become even more limited in the past two weeks with Raelynn’s soccer. Just two more days out of the week where nothing gets accomplished. We have a mound of laundry (that is at least clean), that needs to be folded. The mound on the couch just keeps growing and growing and growing. So many dishes….So many bottles…….so many pump parts that all need to be cleaned. Meal prepping has been put on hold because there is literally zero time to prep meals right now. So many events on the weekends…we have just been living a very abnormal life right now.

This past Saturday, Scott and I had both had plans separately. Then on Sunday, we had plans together with the girls. On Sunday, we were going to a Food Truck and Craft Beer Festival. It was from 12pm – 6pm. Normally, we would wait to go until after the girls nap around 3pm. But, I didn’t really want to wait that long to go and then have to rush through everything. So, I said fuck it. We are skipping the naps today. Of course, I didn’t arrive at the decision that easily. Hell no. I contemplated over it for a week. Literally, a week. And I envisioned all of the worst case scenarios that could happen. What are the worst case scenarios? My children would cry and scream. Because no other child on the face of this earth has ever done that, right? I mean, I sound like the biggest idiot ever.

So, what actually happened? We went to the festival, walked around, and enjoyed ourselves. Briar was fairly content all day. Raelynn did get a little crabby and had a couple of emotional breakdowns, but they were limited in time. Really, nothing bad happened. On the way home, they both crashed hard.  And after that, we even went out to dinner. I mean, we were truly living on the edge on Sunday.

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Today is Wednesday. The mound of clothes still remains on the couch. The dishes still need to be cleaned. S O  M A N Y  D I R T Y  B O T T L E S.

BUT…

No one died when we skipped naps. And no one died when we skipped housework to play with our babies.

HOWEVER…

We are not going to skip naps all the time. Because I look forward to nap time every weekend 🙂 But, for me, it’s so nice to know that the world doesn’t end when we skip naps.

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I had a therapy appointment last week and we talked a lot about my anxiety being in overdrive. I talked to her about me planning to let the girls skip naps on Sunday. I mean, at the point that I am talking to the therapist about how crazy skipping naps makes me….like, seriously, I should probably be in a mental institution. She basically told me everything I already knew. I didn’t need her to tell me, but I can’t explain it. It just makes me feel better when my therapist tells me stuff.

So that’s my story on how we skipped naps and no one died. Tune in next week to see what other stupid thing makes me lose my mind.

 

–The Kentucky Momma

A N X I E T Y

My anxiety is in OVERDRIVE…

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The main trigger – Raelynn started soccer.

And I feel like such an asshole mom that this triggered my anxiety. I should be so excited that Raelynn started a sport. And I literally dread it.

It’s simple really. My schedule is changed and it literally fucked my whole world up. And it didn’t even change that much. But that small change and completed fucked up everything. Really, just me. Because the world is still turning and life is still happening as normal and I am just fucked up.

Our normal evening schedule is Scott and I get home between 5pm and 5:30pm. Briar goes to bed at 7pm, Raelynn goes to bed at 8:30pm. Before Briar goes to bed, we usually try to get Raelynn and Briar fed dinner. Just focusing on them to, it’s balls to wall. There is no time to do anything else but entertain them, feed them, make them happy, play with them. It’s just a lot.

So, the point of this, we are gone from the house from around 6- 8. As soon as we get home, we try to give Rae a little something and I fix Briar’s solids. I feed Briar at the field. When we get home, I rush to get Briar changed and settled down, nurse her, and put her to bed. Then it’s dealing with Raelynn saying she’s hungry and thirsty and wants cartoons. We try to limit her food and drink intake about an hour before bed time since she is potty trained. This makes a big difference for her not having accidents.

Obviously on soccer days, by the time both kids are down, I’m fucking beat. I do not want to do anything. And after both kids go to bed, I have a laundry list of things to do. I get Briar’s milk and solids ready for the next day, I get my gym bag ready, I try to do dishes or some laundry. I literally feel like if I sit and relax for one night, the list just continues to build. It drives me crazy.

I know, I’m fucking crazy, right? All I can say is that I wish I was not like this. I don’t wish this feeling on anyone.

My anxiety is triggering other areas of my life. My focus is non-existent in all areas. I feel like I cannot focus on anything. As I’m sure you’ve read, work has been super stressful, but I know I’m magnifying it because I cannot focus at all at work. I will start on something and get pulled in a different direction and then forget what I was doing and then get pulled into something else, then get a call that I need to take, it’s just a cluster fuck. I get to the point where I get so incredibly overwhelmed, that I just sit at my desk. Sometimes I cry because I feel like a piece of shit for not being able to sort out my thoughts and get my shit together.

On top of this, I thought I was personally having health issues, but it turns out, I’m okay.

For about the past month, I have been experiencing some pretty severe joint pain. Literally every single joint, my ankles, my knees, shoulders, wrists. It’s terrible. Whenever I work out, I actually feel good because I’m warmed up, but after, I stiffen up quickly.  My initial thought was I had to be calcium deficient. That was the only thing I could think of that actually changed in the past couple of months, besides me having a baby. Plus, it just made sense, especially with me cutting dairy from my diet. I didn’t want to assume this was the cause, so I decided to go get blood work done. I told the doctor that I had hit my deductible for the year, so run anything and everything on me. She did a complete blood panel and tested for a trillion different things. Only to find out that everything was normal. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that everything is okay, I guess I was just looking for an answer.

For the first time in my life, I have actually considered talking to my therapist about anxiety meds. I am not happy that it’s come to this. I still don’t think I will actually pull the trigger and take them. I hate taking medicine in general. And I just don’t think I actually NEED anxiety meds. I just feel like, there are other options, but, I’m at the point where I have exhausted all other options and I’m still bat shit crazy. So, what else do I do? I feel like meds are the next answer.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning. My appointment always seems to be perfectly timed. I’m sure my therapist is not looking forward to another bitching session.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Other things are happening besides Briar…

So, besides Briar, I do have a life.

Raelynn has had some very minor medical issues. She’s had an ongoing UTI for about a month. We have been treating it, but it’s not been going away. It initially started because she was sick and running a fever. I took her to the doctor and they tested her for a bunch of different things and the only thing that came back weird, was her urine. It tested positive for blood. So they sent it off for a culture and it came back positive for a UTI. They gave her a regular antibiotic and it did not do the trick. So we went back and she tested positive again. They gave her another antibiotic and it still didn’t kick it. We finally we back a third time and she still tested positive so they gave her another antibiotic. This antibiotic has kicked her ass. It’s called nitrofurantoin. We have to give it to her 4 times a day. And it’s a pretty big dose. Almost a teaspoon. It has literally sucked the life out of her. About 20 minutes after she takes it, she is down for the count. It gives her severe stomach cramps, she has no appetite, she has gotten sick once after taking it, another time she has a severe wave of nausea. It’s just so sad. Over the weekend I ended up calling the nurse hotline because I got pretty concerned about her. She was just so uncomfortable. She said that’s why this medicine was a last resort because the side effects are terrible. She pretty much told me that Raelynn would be sick for the 10 days she had to take it. G R E A T… Today, we are on day 5 of the medicine and she has pretty much been sick the whole time. Day 2 and 3 were the worst. She progressively got better on day 4. Hoping these next couple of days go by quick so we can be done taking this medicine.

Other than that, Raelynn has been fine. As I said previously, we celebrated her 3rd birthday. She got so much stuff and we had a good time celebrating with friends and family.

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Me…My Life…has been a freaking cluster. Nothing too bad really, just SO MUCH STUFF…SO MANY THINGS TO DO…

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Work remains the most stressful part of my life. This summer with work has been stress overload. It started with memorial weekend. That Monday, the GM of our company came for the week and ever since that week, every week after that, someone of high importance has visited our plant.

At the end of June, our company faced a severe cyber attack. Our entire business of 170,000 employees crashed. No one was able to access the network. Overall, my site was down for 2 1/2 weeks. No access to literally anything. We could not even turn our computers on. So on top of important visitors already taking up our time, now this… Saint-Gobain Cyber Attack

The first day of the cyber attack, my new finance boss traveled to our site from France to introduce himself and talk about what he expected of me. The change has been a good thing, over all, just more work. He is allowing me to become more of the financial controller that I’ve always wanted to be. But with that, comes more responsibility. More time away from my kids, my husband, my social life. So, was this really what I wanted?

Besides all of this, we had our follow up internal audit. Our initial audit was in December 2015, 3 months after I joined the company. Nothing had been accomplished in terms of internal control in the years prior to me so I was stuck with a huge cleanup project. The auditors were impressed with the progress that was made, but there is still a lot of work to do. Overall very happy, just glad that process is over with.

My last therapy appointment was interesting. I thought it was August 8th, but it was really August 9th. I was so so so overwhelmed and stressed from work, trying to manage home life, social life, family life, that I was just ready for a bitch session. I needed it badly. So, I roll in there on August 8th and she just kind of looks at me. And she said, “Well, you know your appointment isn’t until tomorrow?” I honestly thought she was joking. She then says, ” You and I must’ve been on the same wave length this morning because I actually printed out August 9th’s schedule and then caught myself. So when you showed up, it really threw me.” I just started crying. I needed to talk to her today. Not tomorrow. Today. I literally started sobbing to the point of not being able to talk. When I finally got my shit together, I just told her I was really overwhelmed and stressed out. But, everything was okay. My kids were healthy. Scott and I were okay. I guess, I was the only thing not really okay. Her original appointment came in, so I had to leave. I told her I would see her tomorrow. Tomorrow was a long time away…

…So tomorrow came, and I went to my therapy appointment and basically talked her ear off for the entire hour. I felt good afterwards. I just needed to vent. I told her that I didn’t mean to cry yesterday and she said that’s a stress trigger. I was releasing stress by crying. Makes sense.

Then, after ALLLLL of this…Raelynn turned 3. My first little baby is now a 3 year old. How is this possible? And you know what comes with a birthday….a freaking party to plan. Birthday parties are freakingggg expensiveeeee. It costs a crazy amount of money to feed everyone. I only invite immediate family and close friends and we always have a turnout of around 60 people, which includes kids. I always ask family to bring a dish so that helps, tremendously. I do not go overboard on decorations. BUT I still always end up spending a fortune. And now, Briar’s birthday is 5 months away….just another party to plan and more money to spend.

I just feel like I can’t breathe. I have zero time for anything. And I can’t seem to find any balance at all.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma