Goodbye 2017…Hello 2018

I want to finish this year positive and strong. **(As I sit here with my tater tots and fried chicken)**

I NEVER make resolutions. In my opinion, they are stupid. Why do I want to set myself up for failure? I feel like everyone makes goals/resolutions and then every year the same goals/resolutions are set. It’s like you are setting yourself up for recurring failure? Why? I don’t want to put myself through that.

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So, here I am…setting fucking new year’s resolutions for 2018. I’m writing them out to hold me accountable. If at some point, I ever feel that I break them, I will be the first to let you know 🙂

If you read my last post, I posted an article that just really hit home for me and affected me positively. I will say that it somewhat lit a fire under my ass.

Here is the article:

You Are The Reason Your Life Sucks

In summary, do something about your life if it sucks. Make changes to your life to make your life better. If you act positive and think positive, your life will be positive. If you act negative and think negative, guess what…your life will be negative.

So, here are my resolutions for 2018:

  1. I want to be less negative. I think I have made major improvements over the years, but I’m still not where I need to be. Somedays, I think my life is shit. And I need to realize that some people would kill for my life. I have a husband that loves me, 2 beautiful, healthy girls, a great job to support my family. There is really nothing to be negative about. Yes, we all have bad days, but I do not want to dwell on them. I do not want to let the bad days take away from my great life. I am such a pessimistic in general. I’m going to try really hard this year to be more positive and optimistic.
  2. This is one that is hard for me to admit. I want to be less judgemental and participate in less gossip. I am probably one of the most open minded people ever, but I will silently judge people and situations. Why? Why waste my energy on it? What’s the point? Is it helping me? No, it’s taking up energy that could be better spent somewhere else. The gossiping part will be hard. It’s what us girls do! We get together, we drink a little, then we start letting the bullshit flow. Bitch sessions! Man, I love a good bitch session! And I think they are good for the soul, to a certain extent! If I had a shitty day at work, I just want to vent about it. What I do not want to participate in, is talking shit about people. Look, I know people talk shit about me and vice versa, I talk shit about people. I just need to do it less. Period. It all circles back to being less negative.
  3. I have some negative people in my life that I want to distance myself from. These negative people just make me feel guilty about things that I shouldn’t feel guilty about. They are dramatic about everything. They are constantly in a bad mood. They do NOTHING to improve their quality of life so they drag people down with them. I know I am destined to do great things. Currently, my life is great, but I know my full potential hasn’t been reached yet. I do not want to be around negative people that will deter me from my goals of being great and doing great things.

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I feel like I am setting the bar pretty high for myself, but I have to. I want to. I am a role model to two little girls that mean the world to me. I want them to be successful in life no matter what they chose. I feel like I have to give them a good foundation to start their lives so they can mold the rest of it based on their individual desires. If I am negative all the time…what does that teach them? I just want to be a good and influential mother to my kids. I want them to lead a happy and positive life. And I think that starts with a happy and positive mom.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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Something Out of the Ordinary…

I’ve tried to write this post a couple of times and I end up backspacing everything or just deleting the whole damn post. I think because it’s something out of the ordinary. You know, I normally post about my crazy life, my crazy kids, my crazy self. I feel like I’m allowed to talk about those things and say whatever I want because it’s my life.

I want to talk about other people’s lives. My friend’s lives.

So…here goes…

My friend group is huge. Some of us have been friends since elementary school and middle school, but we have all been friends since high school. I love it. We’ve experienced so many things together. In the past 10-15 years we have went through some monumental shit. We graduated high school. Some moved away for college, some stayed here. The majority of us graduated college around the same time. The ones that moved away came back and it was like we never missed a beat. Regardless, we would go visit them at college, so it wasn’t like we didn’t see them for 4 years. Anyways…we watched our friends get engaged, we were all apart of everyone’s marriages, we bought houses and apartments, we were all there whenever everyone had their first kid and second kid…and now…we get to go through another milestone in life. Unfortunately, it’s not a pleasant one. It’s divorce. I never thought divorce would happen. I guess I lived in a fairy tale world, or wanted to anyways. I wanted all my friends to stay together forever. Statistically, I should have known that wouldn’t be the case.

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In 2017, 2 couples got a divorce. And I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t drawn a line in the sand between my friends.

To make a very long story short….I have been friends with both of the girls since elementary school. We had moments where we were good friends, and we had moments where we didn’t talk for literally 3-5 years. Nothing bad happened to make us not talk. Life happened. And then we would reconnect and it was like we never missed a beat. I wish more people realize that friendship works this way. You don’t have to be in constant contact with someone and know every little detail of everyone’s life in order to be friends. To me, these girls are still my friends, and they will always remain my friends. They married guys that went to school with all of us. So everyone knew everyone. I was friends with both of the guys as well. More so one than the other, but that doesn’t really make a difference.

For one couple, they grew apart over time and stopped trying. My girlfriend personally told me she stopped trying because she was done with it. It just wasn’t working out for multiple reasons.

For the other couple, they split, in my opinion for a multitude of reasons, but the tipping point for them, was my girlfriend started seeing someone else.

Divorce is hard for people to comprehend. Infidelity is hard for people to comprehend. Just simply growing apart is hard for people to understand. But no one owes me or anyone any explanation. It’s their life and they can do what they please with it. Life is about making mistakes and learning from them.

I actually ended up talking to my therapist about this because it bothered me so bad. For one, I still couldn’t believe my friends were going through this. I hated it for both sides, the guys and the girls. For two, I hated that this caused a divide in our group of friends. I told my therapist that a lot of people were really having an issue with couple 2 because, he was such a good guy. “How could she cheat on him when he was such a good guy?” He truly is one of the best guys ever. He would give a stranger the shirt of his back. He would give a stranger $100,000 if he had it. So, why would she do this to him? My friends just could not understand it.

Not that I needed the therapist to solidify anything for me but she basically told me that when she sees infidelity in any relationship, there is normally an event or a number of events that leads up to it. Very rarely does it happen, “just because”. Does this mean the guy wasn’t really a good guy? Nope. It just meant that I wasn’t married to him and I have no idea what type of husband he was. It means that I was not a part of their marriage, therefore I have no right to make assumptions. It means that they were not right for each other, so they got a divorce in order for everyone to be happy. Initially, I would assume that everyone was sad and couldn’t believe divorce was happening to them. But I would also assume, that it happened for a reason unbeknownst to me and my friends now seem happy. And to me, that’s all that really matters.

I’m not making excuses for anyone. Do I agree with infidelity? Nope. But, does my girlfriend need me or anyone to tell her that we don’t agree with her decisions? Nope. How do people just grow apart? How do people just stop trying in their relationship? It’s human nature. It just happens.  Guess what, we’ve all fucked up one way or another…We are all adults…and no one is perfect.

I read an article today that prompted this post. If you don’t feel like reading it, I’ll sum it up. Basically if you are not happy and you are not doing anything about it, it’s your own damn fault. Divorce may not make sense to anyone right now, especially to us that are happy in relationships and ESPECIALLY to us that have divorced parents. We see how negative divorce can be. All four of my friends have moved on now. And they are seemingly happy. The majority have already moved on and have another partner. Good for them, the guys and the girls. No one deserves to be unhappy and alone. These divorces are very fresh and it’s hard for people to comprehend them, but in even 1 year, will anyone be concerned with this? I sure as hell hope not.

You Are The Reason Your Life Sucks

I’m making resolutions this year. I never do this. And it will be based on this article because it had a real effect on me…

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

 

11 months…

Briar is almost 1 year old. I cannot believe that she will be one year old in less than a month. Time flies.

She is starting to take a couple of steps which I am so happy about. I am ready for her to walk and be mobile. She is definitely a momma’s girl for the moment. I remember Raelynn being like this too because of breastfeeding. I am feeling so touched out at this point. Briar literally wants to hang on me constantly or wants me to hold her all the time. She very rarely wants Scott. Just me. It just makes me want to be done with breastfeeding even more so I can get a break from her.

Breastfeeding is going okay for the most part. As stated in one of my prior posts, Vegas completely ruined my supply. The very next week after Vegas, I went on a business trip. On my trip, my pumping still wasn’t consistent and guess what else…I started my freaking period. Full on, hardcore, period. TMI, I know, but shit…I was so pissed. I hadn’t had my period in a little over a year and half, so as you can imagine, I was not prepared for this.

Back to breastfeeding….I currently do not make what she needs day to day, but I have extra from Vegas so I’m using that for the moment. She has recently went from 24 ounces a day to 20 ounces a day. It may not seem like a lot, but it helps me tremendously. Also, on weekends, she only nurses about every 4 hours or around 4 times per day. She has really picked up eating real food. I love and hate this.

I’m sure I’ve probably mentioned it before, but Raelynn has pretty bad constipation problems. She is on Miralax every single day. I hate it, but it makes her go. Briar is way worse that Raelynn. Briar eats so much real food and then she gets backed up. Her stomach gets so hard and then she doesn’t want to eat anything because she’s full. So, I have to put Vaseline on a Q-Tip and stick it up there and swirl it around (I hope you enjoy this visual) so she will go. And when it comes out, it looks like adult poop. And she bleeds so bad. It makes me so sad. We give her prunes everyday. Sometimes a double dose. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes it doesn’t which is frustrating. For the most part, she eats natural, healthy food. She eats whatever we eat and she always eats a ton of fruits and vegetables. Just recently, I have started Raelynn and Briar on a probiotic in hopes that it will help. I think it may be helping Raelynn, but I’m unsure about Briar. I will keep on and see if it makes a difference.

Raelynn is wonderful, as always. There is nothing really new to report with her. She is the same ol’ rambunctious 3 year old. She is for sure Scott’s girl.

We recently celebrated Christmas (more discussion in another post)…but we brought out the infamous “Elf on a Shelf”. I was initially dreading this, but it turned out to be really fun for everyone. We did not do anything over the top. For the most part, we just moved it to a different spot every day. I didn’t want her to expect extravagant things every single day because I did not want to do extravagant things every single day. I was very surprised that I did move it every day. Whenever Raelynn woke up it was the first thing she wanted to do…”LET’S GO FIND SPARKLE!!!!” I’ll never forget the first day we brought it out, we read her the book and explained how it would work. It was a weekend. She got up the next morning and instantly asked where Sparkle was. I literally left the damn thing in the box. First damn night. Here are a couple of “extravagant” things we did:

Welp – almost a month and a half not blogging and y’all see how boring my life is LOL.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

I hate the Holiday’s

Every single year I try really hard to enjoy the holiday’s. But, every single year I am reminded why I hate the holiday’s.

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“What time will you be here?” “How long were you over there?” “We don’t get enough time with you.”

I swear to God, I try so hard to enjoy them, but it’s never enough. There is never enough of us to go around. And I hate it. We are pulled in 800 million different directions and I absolutely hate it. And everyone wants us to be at the same place at the same time.

For me, the hate started when I was young. My parents got divorced when I was 4, so around 1992. Anyone with divorced parents can relate to the push and pull between parents for the holiday’s. Trust me, I know I’m not alone in this. In 1997, my grandparents (mom’s side) got divorced after 30ish years of marriage and my mom remarried, all in the same year. I can remember NEVER staying at home all day long and playing with my new toys. The meaning of holiday’s for me is always, go, go, go. At one time, we had 5 stops on Christmas Day. F I V E. That is absolutely fucking crazy and stupid. I’m sorry, but it is. I don’t blame my parents, we just have a big family. There is nothing anyone can do about that.

I feel as though I will never truly enjoy the holiday’s until I can stay at home all day long for them. I secretly want it snow asshole deep on Christmas just so I don’t have to go anywhere. I would 100% love that. That would be my ideal Christmas.

As Thanksgiving approaches, the time dividing and clock watching already begins. We have three places to go on Thanksgiving, my grandma’s (mom’s mom), my dad’s, then Scott’s parents. We do not even visit my step dad’s side of the family at all that day. We just don’t have enough time. We will literally spend 2 hours at each place. Dragging 2 kids to 3 different places for 2 hours a piece. It just already sounds terrible to me. Trying to manage two kids and allocate enough time to everyone is just not going to happen effectively. I don’t know what else to do. It sucks.

Christmas is a whole other story, but is actually better. As soon as Raelynn was born, I put my foot down. I refused to go all these different places. The problem for me is, no one was willing to budge their schedules. And I do get it. Things have been the same for so long, and now here I am with a kid, trying to change everything around. I would probably be mad at me too. But, I’m just not doing it. I refuse. My grandma (mom’s mom) was willing to change her schedule to accommodate us (everyone). She is very understanding. I believe she just enjoys spending time with all of us no matter what day it is. And I wish more people were like that. Last year, since we had the bigger house, my parents actually came over in the morning which helped us tremendously. Being able to let Raelynn sleep in a little bit and then be able to put her to sleep for her nap in her bed for an hour or so was nice. They are understanding as well. I think they were sad that we didn’t go to their house, but again, I think they were just happy to spend time with us.

Christmas for us looks like this: Weekend before, we go to my grandmas (mom’s mom), Christmas Eve we do my dad’s, Christmas Day we have our Christmas at the house, then my parents come over, then we go to Scott’s parents, then we go to my Papa Hermie’s house. And we don’t get home until late. Which sucks, but this year, I bet we will go home earlier  because of Briar. Especially if we decide to skip naps.

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It will be interesting this year to add Briar to the mix. This will be her first Christmas, but she will almost be a year old, so it will be a fun one! I was really hoping she would be walking by then, but it’s almost a month away and it’s not looking promising.

In short, if you’ve ever saw the movie “Four Christmas’s”, that’s why my life is like. If you haven’t and you are in a similar situation, I encourage you to watch it. It’s a comic relief for my reality.

Okay, I’m done bitching.

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I”m not sure I will have anything interesting for you to read before Thanksgiving, so I hope everyone has a Happy Thanksgiving! Eat ALL the food! 🙂

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Not even sure what Month it is anymore….

Welp, 9 months really threw us for a loop.

Cue growth spurt, minor sickness, AND TEETH all at the same time.

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I knew a growth spurt happened around 9 months so I was expecting it, but hoping it would pass with grace. Overall it wasn’t terrible. Briar definitely increased her breast milk intake temporarily in the form of night waking. Again, it most definitely was not terrible. I would feed her and she would go back to sleep. It was a trend for about a week or two. We’ve also almost completely transitioned her off of purees and onto actually people food, just cut up super small. I totally love this because she basically eats what we eat and it’s much less meal prep for me. I still buy fresh food, but I don’t have to do anything special with it.

Both girls have actually been really congested and snotty for a couple of weeks actually. It’s just unfortunately that time of year in the Ohio Valley. When the weather changes from hot to cold the sinus colds are pretty much inevitable.

And believe it or not, Briar is sprouting her two bottom teeth. I was absolutely amazed. If you are an avid reader…which I hope you are…Raelynn did not get her first tooth until she was 15 months old and it was her top tooth and I was done nursing at this point. I was actually hoping Briar would be the same so my nipples could be spared being bitten off. I’ve never nursed a baby with teeth so this should be an interesting journey. I know mom’s do it all the time, but I just never have.

And…in case you are wondering…today is November 15th which means we have already went to VEGAS!!!! and the most exciting thing is…AS OF THE DAY I LEFT, I HAD ENOUGH OF MY GLORIOUS DAIRY FREE MILK TO FEED BRIAR THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS GONE. I felt such a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing that was out of the way. Now I really felt like I could go enjoy Vegas. And I did. We did. We lived Vegas up for the week we were there. We went out to clubs, we played Top Golf, we walked the strip, we literally drank every minute of every day..or so it felt like…Scott and I totally needed it. We needed the time away from kids. We needed the time to rekindle our relationship. And we did. **wink wink**

However…as you can imagine, my supply took a huge hit. It was a combination of missing pumps, not pumping consistently at the same time every day, not staying hydrated, not eating enough. Today, I am actually away for business and for the entire day, I barely pumped 10 ounces. Briar is still taking 24 ounces per day and nursing once at night. So, this is not good. Luckily, I have some extra milk to make up for what I am currently lacking, but starting next week (when I get back from business travel; hard to be consistent right now), I am going to pick up the power pumps again to hopefully regain some of my supply. At this point, I do not care about freezing any. I just want to be able to make enough. As of next week we will be 10 months in. I did a hard stop with Raelynn at 12 months, but I can totally see myself going longer just for the simple fact of Briar’s dairy sensitivity. Going longer for me will take a lot of will and perseverance because I am straight up over it. BUT, for a long time, the main thing for me was making enough milk for Vegas, and now I don’t have to worry about that so it’s a lot less stressful. And to know that end is somewhat in site takes some of the stress away too.

Speaking of traveling, I have been doing a lot more than I usually do. Two weeks before Vegas I went to California for 4 days, then Vegas for 6 days, and now I’m away for 3 days in North Carolina and South Carolina for work. And let me tell you…dragging around this big ass hospital grade pump is a pain in my fucking neck. For real. For personal travel, I have my purse, my pump, and my cooler to keep milk cold in. For business travel, it’s all of the previous listed plus my laptop. And I basically refuse to put any of it in the overhead bin. I could not imagine if my milk spilled or if my pump (not really my pump) somehow got broken. So, I’ve been doing A LOT of pumping and not a lot of nursing. I am currently on my last trip, at least I hope, until next March and I hope I’m done by then. If not, then someone better slap the shit out of me. Because I do not want to lug this pump and cooler around for another trip.

That’s about everything exciting that has happened over the last couple of weeks.

A couple of pictures over the last month:

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Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

To My First Born…

I’m all in my feelings lately with a lot of things. So here is this…

To my first born, Raelynn…

I love you.

I love every piece of you. My heart exploded when you entered this world. I had no idea what I was in for. I am learning a lot being a mom. More than I ever bargained for. More than I ever asked for.

I feel the need to say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I had no idea how to be a mom. I read ALL the books. And I did ALL the research. Nothing prepared me for motherhood.

You allowed me to learn. You tried to help me. In the beginning, I ignored a lot of signs. I ignored what felt natural because I simply did not know what to do.  When you cried for me, I just wanted to sit you down. I couldn’t console you. Nothing I did worked. I felt like a failure. You cried in my arms. You cried in the swing. You cried everywhere.

A couple of months in, we finally figured things out. But I regret a lot of things.

I regret not holding you more. I regret getting so frustrated with you. I do not regret, but I hate that my career didn’t work out so I could stay at home with you.

I really, really regret not holding you more.

I regret that NOTHING went as planned. Not a single thing. Not even how you entered this world.

But, from the moment you entered this world. My life has FOREVER changed for the better.

Over the past three years, I have watched you blossom into an amazing human being.

Thank you for being my first born.

Thank you for being my daughter.

Thank you for making me a mom.

No one else will ever be able to do what you’ve done for me.

I love you, Rae Rae.

Keish-31

 

 

 

Month 8 and almost 9….

I can’t believe I have an almost 9 month old. 12 more days and she will be 9 months. Time is literally flying by. I love it and I hate it.

I love it because, at this point, I’m sure everyone is aware how much I love breastfeeding <–that is sarcasm in case you missed it….

I hate it because, well, she’s almost 9 months old. Which means she’s not a baby anymore. And I don’t miss the baby stage, I just really miss her being little.

So, breastfeeding. OMG how I fucking loathe it this time around. I hate that I hate it. I know I’m like a broken record, but I am so ready for it to be over. Pumping update…I am still not having to pump at 8:30pm anymore, so thank the lord for that. I still have to pump 5 times a day…waking up a 5:00 a.m. (so ready for that to end)…to get what she needs for the day. I even thought to myself, well, we are 8 months in, SURELY, my supply is established enough to drop a pump at work. N O P E. Tried it for 3 days and I lost 3 ounces each day. So, then I had to power pump and all the bullshit just to get my supply back up.

I am very slowly storing milk. I have approximately 24 days, 22 hours, 17 minutes, and 15 seconds…but who’s counting…until V E G A S ! ! ! ! ! ! This continues to be my biggest nightmare, storing enough milk for her. I should probably be very diligent and try to count every single day, but I’m scared to find out how much milk I do not have saved for her. At last count, I had approximately 160 ounces. I realistically need around 7 days of milk…times 30 ounces…210 ounces of milk…so I still need to freeze around 50 ounces of milk in 24 days, 22 hours, 9 minutes, and 54 seconds….but who’s counting….

In more positive news, Briar is doing wonderful. She is a typical almost 9 month old, cruising around EVERYWHERE. Everything is “DA DA DA DA”, sometimes I get a “MA MA MA MA MA” out of her. She is the most smiley baby ever. I mean, literally smiles all the time. As soon as she wake up and we get her out of the crib, she smiles. She has the biggest, most infectious smile. I love it.

Briar is still napping pretty well too. She is lingering between 1 and 2 naps a day. At daycare she only takes 1 nap a day, but it’s pretty long. At home, she sometimes takes 1 and sometimes she takes 2, it just depends.

Raelynn is great as well. Her personality is SO big. Sometimes to the point that I if we are doing something wrong. She is me made over. All the way down to the attitude and controlling. She is getting into a lot of trouble at daycare every single day. Every day when I pick her up, I have to ask, “Raelynn, were you a good girl today?” Then she side eye’s the daycare provider to see if she can convince her to say she was a good girl. I would be 3, sometimes 4 out of the 5 days she goes there, I get a bad report. This week, it has involved hitting someone and tearing pages out of a book. I just wonder if I should be doing something more. Something different? Am I too harsh on her?

OMG Raelynn is in the stage of asking a million questions too…I swear I think she could ask about 5 questions in 30 seconds.

Raelynn – “Why? How come? Why not? How come? How Come?”

Me – “Because I said so.”

Raelynn – “But how come, Mommy?”

Raelynn is still playing soccer. And she really loves it. This past week, she scored 4 goals and she was so proud of herself. It made me beam with pride. Just to see your child so happy about something, it’s truly heartwarming. It’s still pretty overwhelming during the week, but it’s almost over. And I’m ready for it to be over. I enjoy that she enjoys it, but we are just still so busy….and continuing to get busier.

I don’t ever know when my life will slow down and I hate it. I sometimes feel like life is passing me by and I’m not even living it. I’m just on autopilot.

Hoping for something more insightful next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma