This is by far one of the happiest and saddest posts I think…I hope…that I will ever have to write. It’s more so going to be a vent session, so if you are not up to read a 3,000 word post, I suggest that you just leave now.
I feel like I have to make a disclaimer first about several things. I love my husband. More than anything. Our baby is fine and healthy. I have just been having a difficult time lately.
Happy news first. We had our anatomy scan this week. We found out that we are having a HEALTHY LITTLE GIRL 🙂 I am so excited. We are so excited. I was so incredibly nervous for this appointment. The whole morning as I was getting ready, I felt nauseous. In my heart, I knew everything was going to be okay. I really did. I just wanted, more so needed, the confirmation. As the ultrasound tech called us back, my heart was racing. As soon as she put the wand on my belly, I instantly saw the baby and a heartbeat. One huge weight lifted off my shoulders. From here, she proceeded to scan all of the organs, limbs, etc. and verify they were there and measure them that they were the size they needed to be. I had been through this once before so I knew what to expect. The ultrasound tech was very vague, so to speak, which was expected. She pretty much just says, this is the heart, this is the kidney, this is the umbilical cord. She’s not a liberty to tell me if anything is wrong. I just knew there wasn’t anything wrong though. I tried to take it all in, instead of being nervous. What I was not prepared for was how calm and asleep the baby was. She was the complete opposite from Raelynn. Raelynn pretty much did not stay still the whole time. But this one, she is a stubborn one already. It took the ultrasound tech about 45 minutes to do the whole scan because our little one was just not cooperating at all. Once she has finally measured everything, she asked if we wanted to know the sex. Of course, we did. When she finally got a clear picture, I said, “It’s a girl”, before the ultrasound tech ever got anything out. She said, “You’re right, it’s a girl.” I was completely shocked. I just KNEW I was having a boy. It was just a gut feeling. With Raelynn, I KNEW I was having a girl. It was just a gut feeling. Shit, I was incredibly wrong this time. I very secretly wanted another girl. Obviously, I would have been over the moon with a healthy little boy too, but I don’t know, I just wanted another girl. I can’t explain it. I hate to even be picky like that, so I didn’t tell anyone except Scott that I wanted another girl.
We tried to tell Raelynn that she was going to have a baby sister and she just kept saying, “No.” Hopefully she comes around.
On to the not so fun stuff. I really hesitated about posting this. But I would be lying to myself if I didn’t. I want to portray the raw, and uncut version of me and my life. So, I decided that I wouldn’t be doing this blog justice if I omitted this portion of my life.
My husband and I have been together since 2003 and married since 2012, so, 13 years total together. We know everything about each other. We know what makes each other happy. We know what makes each other tick. We know how to push each other’s buttons. Most of the time, we work exceptionally well together when it comes to balancing our home life, social life, family life, etc. This year, we have struggled. This year has been the make or break year for Scott and I. As with all things, we take the good, with the bad. We ALWAYS have more good than bad, and for that I’m thankful. But, let’s face it, 13 years together, we get into arguments and we have bad moments. The bad moments have somewhat glared on us this year and left a standing impression. But, we love each other, and we work through them. We don’t give up on each other. It’s not really love if you don’t fight for what you believe in, right?
That’s why, I had to fight for my family. Because I love my family. I do not EVER want to be with anyone else except Scott. And I know he thinks the same of me. I know, because we just had a recent conversation about it.
You see, Scott and I have always been socialites. And I like that. We have always loved to go out and do things, with friends, with family, with each other. We have always been the type of individuals that, if we wanted to go do something, we were going to do it. Now, I’m not talking, 5 day trips to Vegas with strippers and cocaine…but if either of us wanted to go out for the night with friends, like a guys night or a girls night, we did it. We didn’t ask permission of one another, it was simply a, “Hey, I’m going to go here for the night with John.” “Okay, sounds good.”
Then, Raelynn came along, and sacrifices had to be made. There was no more, “Hey, I’m going out for the night with friends”, because we now had another life to care for. Before Raelynn, it was simple, we had no other obligations to anyone except ourselves, and we respected that. Clearly, I have demonstrated to you all how crazy of a person I was, and Scott helped me and stuck around with me and it made me love him even more than I thought humanly possible. Seeing that he stuck around with me and helped me through one of the worst times of my life is such a eye opening experience. It made me see Scott through a different lense. My love for him grew deeper than I ever thought imaginable.
So, in the beginning with Raelynn, we made the sacrifices of going out with our friends to help one another through this pretty tough transition period of figuring out what life was like as a parent. No matter how prepared you think you are, you simply are not. There is just no other way to put it.
This year, Raelynn was just over a year old and we had a good handle, or so I thought on what life should be like as a parent. We had such a good routine down. And Raelynn was and still is SO predictable and I love it.
All this good stuff, right? Where does the bad come in?
Raelynn became so predictable and Scott and I fell into such a routine, it was becoming apparent that I was making more sacrifices than him. Scott is such a good dad. Raelynn loves him so much and he loves Raelynn so much. I couldn’t have picked a better dad for Raelynn. Just because he wasn’t making enough sacrifices, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t being a good dad.
We fell into a routine that every weekend, I would get up early so I could have one cup of hot coffee before Raelynn got up. Then I would make her breakfast, let it cool off, go wake her up, change her diaper, and make sure she would eat. Every weekend. I am not exaggerating to you that in 2016 I do not recall a weekend where Scott ever got up with her to fix her breakfast and make sure she was fed. Big deal? maybe not, I mean, I’m already awake, right, so why not just do it? Honestly, this breakfast feeding routine was set in place a long time ago because I had to get up with her to breastfeed her. So, whenever she started to eat real food, I just carried on. Point 1. More to come.
Since we fell into this wonderful routine, and I was always making sure Raelynn was taken care of in the morning, Scott would sleep in until I woke him up around 10. Sometimes he would wake up on his own, but it was rare. Point 2.
Scott began to pick up on the “night out” with friends more frequently.Now, don’t get me wrong. I totally enjoy a night out. I enjoy sitting at one of my friends house and bullshitting all night long, but I also enjoy a night out of drinking. But I also enjoy being at home with Raelynn. Moderation is key and this is not a word that I believe Scott knew the definition of until recently.
It started out slow, once a month, then went to once every two weeks, until, all of a sudden, there were three weekends in a row that he was gone. These three weekends were while I was 8, 9, and 10 weeks pregnant. If you recall back, that’s when I was on the progesterone, and most certainly not feeling the best. And, taking care of a toddler. He was gone to Nashville for an entire weekend, then he went to the lake for an entire weekend, then he went out for one night the next weekend. Now, when I say he went out, let me elaborate. When he goes out, he goes hard. ALWAYS the last man standing. He got home at 5 in the morning and then of course slept all the next day. So, when it’s a night out, it’s technically a 2 day event. Let’s face it, he was 30 at the time; he just simply does not recover well after drinking anymore. Point 3.
I am partially to blame for this. I allowed it to happen. I can guarantee, had I voiced concerned, he may have thought twice about going or doing any of this. In a guy’s mind, if the wife doesn’t saying anything, it’s all good. Or, if I did voice some concern, I may have been mad for about a day and then got over it. So, the consequences for him were me being mad for a day and then he would know that everything is okay afterwards. I am not taking full blame for this, because he’s the one that did it. He could have easily made the decision to not go.
The three weekends in a row that he was gone, hit me pretty hard. This is when we, as a couple, started to go downhill. This was the end of June going into July. His nights out had been pretty limited up until then. Then, the first weekend in August, all of our guy friends have a “Bro Weekend” at the lake, again this was planned WAY in advance, so what am I going to do about it? At this point though, it was really starting to affect me. I told him straight up that he better get this shit out of his system before the new baby came. Because this was not happening. I told him I wasn’t happy about him going to the lake and being gone, yet again, when he was just gone for essentially three weekends in a row barely a month ago.
Then comes Labor Day weekend. Our first long, holiday weekend at home. Wrong. He started about a week before saying he wanted to go to the lake. I used to thoroughly enjoy going to the lake, but every holiday weekend this year, I’ve been pregnant, I can’t drink, and I would be the one taking care of Raelynn if we took her down. What part of that sounds enticing to anyone? I would rather stay in the comfort of my own home with everything I need all in one place. So, the talk of him going to the lake begins. I told him I didn’t want to go and I really didn’t want him to go. He was going, and I knew he was going to go. There was just no stopping him.
He was leaving Saturday morning around 10:00am. As per usual, I woke up early, had my coffee, fixed Raelynn’s breakfast, got her up and ready for the day…and the longer he slept, the more irate I was becoming. I finally went to the bedroom at 9:00am and told him to get his ass out of bed and do something before he left in an hour. When he finally got out of the bed and came in the living room, I let him have it.
I am one of those criers that cries when I’m pissed. And then it makes me more pissed that I’m crying because I’m pissed, so I cry even harder.
Though the horrendous sobbing, I told him that I felt alone and I was not happy with the way our relationship was going. I told him all my feelings about me getting up with Raelynn every single weekend while he slept. I told him it would be nice for him to get up and take care of her, even if I am awake, so I can relax or do something else around the house. I told him things had to change. He knew I was mad and upset. But, he was still going to go to the lake. And I knew he would. Quite honestly, I wasn’t sure that I even wanted him to stay home at that point. Even though he had all this time away from me, I thought to myself that I needed to get my head together and really think about us and the next step I wanted to take. I honestly just thought I would get over it.
But, I didn’t. I had a horrible weekend because all I could think about was, how did we get here? How did we get to this place in our relationship where we are roommates? How did we get to a place where we no longer show love and compassion for each other? We were not functioning as a unit. We were barely speaking to each other. All of this just happened over a very short period of time. We had such pride in ourselves and in our relationship that we wanted to continue being the independent individuals that we had once been, but we proved, that a relationship that involves a child, cannot happen like that.
I literally rehearsed what I was going to say to him when he got home that Monday. We didn’t talk all weekend. I almost wanted to write everything down to make sure I didn’t miss any key points. I wanted him to understand the severity of the conversation because there were going to be consequences this time. I could not continue living life like this.
He came home Monday, just as I put Raelynn down for her afternoon nap. I was in the shower and he popped in to tell me he was home. As soon as I got out, I went into the living room and he was watching TV. I told him he needed to turn the TV off because we were going to have a serious conversation.
Naturally, I am a very blunt person. So I told him everything I was feeling. I didn’t want there to be any questions after I was done unloading on him. I didn’t want him to have to “guess” at anything I was saying either.
I started with, I think it’s horrible that we didn’t talk all weekend. He didn’t even call to check on Raelynn. Again, we had always been the couple that never had to check in with each other, and prior to Raelynn, I was 100% okay with that, but not now. And the horrendous sobbing started not long after that. I told him that if this was the life he wanted to live, being away all the time or “nights out” every other weekend, then I was not the girl for him and he needed to really think about what he wanted in his life. While he was gone, I figured out over 6 months, he had been gone 8 weekends. And 5 of those weekends were in the last 3 months. I don’t even think he realized how much he had been gone. I told him I NEVER thought for even a split second he was going out to look for ass or another girl, Scott is just truly the person that loves to have fun. He is so fun to be around. The people he was going out with have zero obligations in their life and what I mean by that is they do not have wives, they do not even have girlfriends, and the definitely do not have kids. The people he was going out with and spending weekends away with were good people and they were my friends too. I really love the people he was hanging out with. But I told him he needed to take a long look at what the other husbands and dads in our group was doing. They were not out ramping and roaring until 5 in the morning and then sleeping the next day. They were not away 3 weekends in a row. They were not not calling their wives and children to check in while they were gone. I told him he did not realize how lucky he was to be able to do all of things that he had done in 2016 because I could guarantee that none of my other girlfriends would have allowed that to happen. I told him that I felt like we did not exist to him when he was gone. If we did, he would have at least called to check on us. I expressed to him that I did not want to be with anyone else except him. I loved him more than anything in this world, but I also told him that I would not continue to be unhappy or feel unwanted. Things had to change. To solidify everything for him, I told him that I had thought about asking him to move out to get his head straight and give him time to figure out what he wanted in his life. I told him that at 18 weeks pregnant, this was not at all the conversation I envisioned having with him, but he needed to take a step back and reevaluate his priorities. We were no longer first in each other’s lives. I was not going to be with someone who did not put me first.
That’s when it all set in for him. He did not disagree with anything I said. He did not realize that he had been gone so much. And to be quite honest, I didn’t realize how much he had been gone either until I added it up. He told me I didn’t deserve to be treated the way I had been. He told me that he also wanted to be with me forever and there was no one else that he would rather be with. His exact words were, “It’s not even an option to be with anyone else.”
We simply fell into our biggest rut after 13 years together. He thought everything was okay because, for a long time, I wasn’t voicing that it was bothering me that he was gone so often. When I finally did, he understood.
We knew things would change after becoming parents, but I’m not sure we understood the extent of how things needed to change until recently. We both agreed that we needed to make more time for us, without Raelynn. To date, in 2016, we have had one date night. I shit you not. We have made time for ourselves as couple, 1 time in 267 days so far in 2016. Like, how did this happen?
Neither of us meant to get to this point. It just happened. I have a hard time dealing or talking to anyone about it because I don’t want people to judge Scott and I for having issues. I am not one to pretend we are a happy couple when we are not. I can’t be fake about it. I wear my heart on my sleeve. And I’m okay with that. All of my friends just seem like they have their shit together way better than Scott and I. And I’m okay with that too! I don’t want to be like anyone else, because then it wouldn’t be our relationship. It wouldn’t be our story.
All in all, I think this is a big bump in the road that Scott and I are perfectly capable of working through. I know that both of us are willing to put in the work to make our relationship better because we are each other’s soul mates. We love each other and giving up is not an option for either of us.
Until next week…
–The Kentucky Momma