I would like to skip May 16th for the rest of my life. Today is the day my twins were due. Even though I have a beautiful, happy, and healthy baby girl now, I want my twins too.
Scott and I decided it was time to get pregnant. I always wanted kids, but Scott was very adamant about have them. He is so good with kids. He is the type of guy that would rather go play with all the kids than hang out with the adults. That’s just one of many things I love about him. Three months after we decided it was “time” I took a pregnancy test. I could not believe my eyes when it said I was pregnant. Shit became really real then. I wanted to scream and tell Scott in the other room, but I also wanted to do something cute. So I waited one whole day to tell him. On my lunch break at work I went and got a onesie made that said “Holy Shit, I’ll be here in May 2014”. I gave it to him literally almost 24 hours later and his first response was “You ain’t fucking with me, are you?” Typical us.
October 8, 2013, I went to my first appointment. Scott was with me. I had expected to get an ultrasound, hear the heartbeat….none of that happened. She measured my cervix and I was only measuring 7 weeks and not the 8 weeks I should be measuring. First of all, how in the fuck can these doctors tell a one week difference? That’s crazy if you ask me. She also told me i had a retroverted uterus. That basically meant that my uterus was just tilted back, no cause for alarm, but it could be the reason I wasn’t measuring correctly. Okay. Cool. I can deal with that. She scheduled my next appointment one week out to get an ultrasound done and hear a heartbeat.
October 14, 2014, one day after our 1 year marriage anniversary, we found out the most devastating news of our lives. Scott and I went back into the ultrasound room so excited to finally see our baby. The ultrasound tech was somewhat standoffish as she started the scan. She then proceeded to ask me if I had been spotting. I immediately knew something was wrong. Scott had no idea what was going on. The whole time she was scanning me and taking measurements, I couldn’t see anything on the screen. She had it turned towards her. When she finally turned it around, there was an empty sac. I know that meant there was no baby. Scott still had no idea what was going on. He kept asking me if it was too early to see the baby and I kept telling him over and over there was no baby. He honestly still didn’t understand.
After our ultrasound, we were taken into a room to talk with the doctor. She came in and told me I had a blighted ovum. Basically a sac forms, even a yolk sac and fetal pole formed in my case, but no baby. Scott was finally beginning to understand. Then she dropped a bombshell on us. There were two empty sacs. I asked her if that meant I was pregnant with twins and she nodded her head yes. Scott and I both lost it. I could not believe this was happening to us. Sure, you always hear about miscarriages, but it’s one of those things you think is never going to happen to you. Except it did. And it really fucking sucked.
They wanted to wait and see if my body would take care of it naturally. And I also was holding on to a glimmer of hope. Maybe when i got a scan again, they would see something. Something they hadn’t previously seen. No. it never happened. I demanded 3 more ultrasounds before I let them even talk to me about how we were going to handle the situation. Every ultrasound became more and more discouraging. The sacs continued to gradually decrease in size, but it didn’t look like my body was going to take care of the pregnancy naturally. So, I had to get a D&C.
October 25, 2014 is the date I officially feel like I lost my twins. It was the day of my D&C. The surgery was quick and easy. The recovery was also easy. I was walking around as soon as my anesthesia wore off.
I do not wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy. It has been one of the biggest emotional roller coasters of my life. Unfortunately after my miscarriage, two of my very close friends also suffered a miscarriage. It’s a total life changing experience. I do not understand and hope I never have to understand what it’s like to deal with more than one miscarriage. One is more than I ever cared to deal with.
It’s only appropriate to wish my twins in heaven a Happy 1st Birthday. I’ll see you again one day.