This week was a really hard week for me for a couple of different reasons.
First, Raelynn’s night waking continued.
Second, I haven’t talked a lot about it because it’s not something I enjoy, but I’ve been working a part time job and I hate it and I’ve wanted to quit from the moment I took the job.
Between the lack of sleep and worrying about this job, my anxiety is in super fucking overdrive.
My hopes of Raelynn’s night waking being a phase are quickly fading. I realize in a little over a handful of weeks, I will not get any sleep and I think that’s why I’m so aggravated right now. I just want sleep because I know that it’s going to be nonexistent soon.
Scott and I have tried to talk to her again to see if anything is going on that we aren’t aware of and she still says no. She did let us know that she is scared of the dark. We already leave her door somewhat open with the hall light on. Then we leave the outside lights on because it shines right in her room, so shes definitely not in pitch black.
We have decided to get more night lights to light up the hallway and the bathroom so whenever she decides to get up, she won’t have to come in our room anymore. I’m hoping this helps. At least she will be able to go to the bathroom without coming in our room and waking me up. Whenever she wakes me up, I am just up. I either stay awake, or it takes me forever to go back to sleep.
I’m not trying to be selfish, but JESUSSSS, I need my sleep.
So, yea, I’ve had a second job for like 4 months now. This job somewhat fell in my lap as I was not looking for another one. I used to have my own bookkeeping business. Whenever I closed the business, I still kept one client because they were super easy and low maintenance and I made good money from it. This new job came to me through the client that I’ve kept.
I figured I would entertain the idea because, why not? I had nothing to lose. If I didn’t want it then I could just not take the job. A little extra money never hurt, right?
I knew as soon as I interviewed that I would get the job. It seemed like it was something I could take on in addition to what I was already doing. I officially took the job when I was 6 weeks pregnant. In my mind, I could foresee all of the upcoming medical bills, increased daycare expenses, general increased expenses from having another kid. It seemed like an absolute no brainer to take it.
It very quickly turned into something much more.
In a nutshell, whenever I came on, they were switching accounting systems, they had no processes and procedures, and they wanted more of an administrative assistant than a bookkeeper. I think I was more turned off by the fact that they wanted me to be an admin assistant because it’s just not my thing. I was aware of the accounting system switch, but it was much more than I expected.
I dreaded going there all the time. I kept telling myself that each month I get paid, it’s worth it because it will help us in the long run.
But now, my mental health was coming into play. I would literally have so much anxiety before going there. I just didn’t enjoy it at all. I would be okay while I was there, and then whenever I left, I would feel so relieved.
It was a brutal process. On the days I would have to go there, I would literally call Scott and cry.
Even though I had only been working there for 4 months, Scott had been telling me to quit for at least 2 of those months. He kept telling me that it wasn’t worth my sanity. And I knew he was right, but I just kept hanging on for the money. I knew how much the money was going to help us.
Right now, in this moment, I am 95% sure that I am going to quit. I KNOW the money isn’t worth it, but we struggle so much and we are going to continue to struggle more whenever I have this baby. I KNOW my mental health isn’t worth it. Like at all.
And I just feel bad in general for quitting on a client. Even with how much I do not enjoy this job, it is not because of the people. They are great people. I think that makes it even worse. It would be easier if they were assholes, but they aren’t.
I have a couple of really important things that I feel like I need to accomplish for them and then I will reevaluate the situation.
With my anxiety in overdrive this week, I am just super overwhelmed and not focused which leads to me not being productive at work at all.
And I hate that more than anything. I just get to a point where I sit at my desk and I don’t even know what to do. I feel like I have had such a good start to 2019 as far as productivity goes and now I’m stuck in the rut and I hate it. I hate it so much.
So…that’s where I’m at. Hoping for something better next week…
Tuesday, January 29
Strength
High Hang Clean + Clean
2x(1+1) @ 55% = 65#
1x(1+1) @ 65% = 75#
1x(1+1) @ 75% = 85#
3x(1+1) @ 80% = 95#
1x(1+1) @ 88% = 105#
I can no longer pull from the floor due to my belly. All movements were completed at the hang position.
Metcon
10 rounds
6 shuttle runs
10 box jumps
1 min rest
My time was 19:14. Modified box jumps to step ups.
