Scott and I’s talk did not heal all wounds, but we each talked and we each said our piece. Now onto hopefully fixing it.
I knew my therapist would be a huge help for me in helping me decide if I was bat shit crazy or if my relationship was really spiraling.
I plopped my big ass down on the couch and went right to town on all of the events that had unfolded over the past 48 hours.
My therapist then proceeded to tell me why I was mostly bat shit crazy and my relationship wasn’t spiraling.
I told her my biggest issue with Scott doing this is he doesn’t think it’s an issue. She then asked, “Well, why is it an issue?”
Uhhh…because it is, Paula!… Apparently that wasn’t the correct answer.
We have set no boundaries, had no negotiations, or compromises, or real meaningful conversations in regards to this ongoing 2 1/2 year argument.
It’s basically just been me bottling things up when it starts to occur frequently and then blowing the fuck up on him once every 3 or 4 months and then everything is okay in a couple of days. So for him, if out of 365 days, I was getting really pissed only 3-4 days, then for him, it was worth it.
Okay, that makes sense.
She then asked another question that I had never really thought about, “If you were getting YOUR time with him, would his time out with his friends really matter that much to you?”
In short, the answer from me was, “I don’t think so and no.”
Scott and I have NEVER made our relationship a priority.
We have always been so big on being independent and doing our own thing and hanging out with friends because, out of our huge group of friends, you could guarantee that SOMEONE would always want to do something.
It really wasn’t until we had kids that we both settled down. And then he slowly started to pick up his independent habits again.
We never had to really TRY to make us work. We just worked in a way that felt good to us.
Now, we really, really have to TRY to make us work. If we physically do not sit down together and schedule time for one another, it doesn’t happen.
Becoming a mother has changed me in ways that I never thought possible.
Going through depression and anxiety have taken such a big toll on me and also what I need from Scott.
I need more from Scott. So, when I don’t get that and his friends do, it makes me mad and sad and even jealous.
She then asked, “Do you and Scott have different definitions of quality time?” The answer is, absolutely yes. And this right here, makes all the difference in the world.
My idea of quality time: no kids, just me and him, having a conversation, no phones, no TV, wings, beer. That’s it.
His idea of quality time: us living together under the same roof.
Our definitions greatly vary. And that’s not a bad thing. We just need to really define this and set expectations.
My therapist asked how long we were gone when we went to dinner to talk the other night. I told her 2 hours. She asked if we could do that weekly? If not weekly, then biweekly? I told her biweekly would probably be doable. She said to make biweekly happen until I had the baby.
Her exact words, “You’re an accountant, do the math. That’s 6 date nights at 2 hours a piece. That’s only 12 hours out of 520 hours that are available in 3 months. If you want this relationship to work, then I suggest you make that happen.”
If that wasn’t a kick in the ass, I don’t know what is.
These are just the main points that were covered in my therapy session. We hit so much other stuff in the hour I was there. I felt like I talked non-stop. Right when we were about to wrap up, she, “So where do you and Scott go from here?”
I was going to bring this up if she didn’t ask, but I really want Scott and I to go through couples therapy. We have tried to do this on our own now for too long. It’s clearly not working.
I know he will be hesitant. But I have to keep an open mind for him. I’ve been telling this woman my life for 4 years. I’m super comfortable with her. Scott will not be. He’s just not that type of person to spill all of his emotions out to anyone, much less a therapist.
I am going to suggest this to him, but I’m not going to push it and I’m not going to have any expectations.
I think this is going to take a while for him to come around and be accepting of the fact that we need this type of intervention to make it work. At least for right now.
She agreed to take us on, I just have to get Scott on the same page now.
I normally tend to call or text Scott after my therapy appointments and briefly fill him in. I asked him to call me when he had a second so we could talk about somethings. I’m sure he already knew that our relationship was the main topic.
We basically went over everything and I always make sure I tell him when she calls me out so he knows she is unbiased when it comes to this. I am totally okay with being wrong and needing to do the work within my self or my relationships to fix things.
He always jokes when the therapists backs him up or says he’s right on an issue…”See, I could be saving us money if you would just listen to me.”
I told him I wanted to do therapy together and I could literally FEEL his eyes roll.
I explained to him that I was not going to push it and I was not going to be mad if he didn’t go because that’s his choice, but I think he needed to consider it. I think a third party to help us figure some things out could be really helpful.
We’ve been together for 15 years.
I am still evolving into a person that I never thought I would be. Sometimes it’s hard for me to be okay with that. Why couldn’t I have just stayed the same as I was? Would Scott and I even have any issues? I’ll never know.
Now, we just have to focus on what really matters; getting us back into working order.