This was the week that we were going to find out if we have a baby or not.
I didn’t need the ultrasound to tell me there was a baby in there. I knew there was. All of my symptoms told me so.
And, behold, we have a baby.
All the measurements were right where they should be, measuring 8 weeks exactly and the heartbeat was 167.
However, I felt ZERO relief after the ultrasound.
Like I said, I knew I had a baby in there because I felt like absolute shit. If she told me there wasn’t I was going to make her look again.
But, EVERY SINGLE PAST PREGNANCY, there have been concerns either in the ultrasound room, or when I visit the doctor after she reads the ultrasound. So even though we had a scan that proved my pregnancy was viable, I was dreading going to talk to the doctor. I didn’t want to hear bad news again.
- First pregnancy, first ultrasound: I found out I was supposed to be having twins. But, they stopped growing at 6 weeks. At this doctor appointment, I was supposed to be 9 weeks.
- Second pregnancy, first ultrasound: I was pregnant with Raelynn. They told me she was showing soft markers for down syndrome, so I needed to go see Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist.
- Third pregnancy, first ultrasound: My pregnancy and miscarriage was confirmed in the same day in the ER while I was miscarrying.
- Fourth pregnancy, first ultrasound: I was pregnant with Briar. They told me I had an abnormally large cyst on my ovaries. If it ruptured then surgery would be required. So, I had to minimize my physical activity. I was very into CrossFit at this point.
- Fifth pregnancy, first ultrasound: I was pregnant with miscarriage baby #4. We saw baby, saw and heard heartbeat, but I was measuring a week and a half behind, heartbeat was 136 which is lower than past pregnancies, and I had a couple of subchoronic bleeds.
- Sixth pregnancy – Besides having the bicornuate uterus with a large septum…everything appeared to be okay.
I couldn’t believe what the doctor was telling me. I asked over and over, “Do I have cysts?” “Do I have any bleeds?”
I was waiting for the catch here.
She told me that I had an infection, which was very normal and they would treat at 12 weeks, and I had a very very small subchoronic bleed, much smaller than last time and it was of no cause for concern, so other than that, everything appeared to really be normal.
I asked if the baby implanted in a good spot and she said from what she can see, yes. I still don’t feel like the ultrasound tech took enough time to really look and see if it had implanted in a good spot, but in reality, we are further along than last time, so I have to believe it is.
Then onto the questions that I knew weren’t going to be answered to my liking…
Has my uterus been like this all along?
Or, are we still going with the story that it happened after my last successful pregnancy?
I told her that all of my reading and research suggested that I was born with this bicornutate uterus with the large septum. I even reached out to people who were in similar situations and they all said their doctors told them they were born with it. My doctor is still saying that it happened after my last successful pregnancy.
I asked if this pregnancy was going to be any different as far as monitoring me since we are aware of my septate uterus? The only difference is I will be monitored more towards the end and get more ultrasounds to monitor the growth of the baby.
I think I would feel better about this pregnancy if I knew I had this condition all along. Because if that was the case, I’ve had Raelynn and Briar, and they are perfectly fine.
But the unknown of not knowing if this was going to be okay really scares the fuck out of me.
Besides the main concern of my uterus, there were no other major issues. Still, no relief in sight.
I was waiting for the moment where I could exhale and feel the elephant leap off my chest. But, it never happened.
This moment somewhat solidified for me that I was going to be at arm’s length with this entire pregnancy.
I was still waiting on something bad to happen.
I explained all of my concerns to the doctor and gave her a little back story about my depression and anxiety. She was very empathetic and accommodating. She told me if I ever felt like there was a concern to call immediately and ask for her and I could come in and she would at the very least check for the heartbeat to ease my mind.
She even looked directly at Scott and talked to him Instructing him to tell me to call if I was having anxiety about something.
This is all such a complete mind fuck.
OF COURSE, I want to be happy. But, I’m so scared. And I’m still expecting the worst. I think my fear may die down eventually, but then as I get further along, the risk of preterm pregnancy will come into play and I know I will worry.
Every single day.
Still suffering at Crossfit. I only made it to the gym twice this week. I guess I should consider this a win.
Tuesday September 25
Strength
1×2 @ 50% = 97#
1×2 @ 60% = 117#
1×2 @ 70% = 136#
1×2 @ 80% = 156#
1×1 @ 90% = 175#
2×1 @ 96% = 187#
2×1 @ 100% = 195#
I worked up to 190#. Went for 200# and failed on the way up. I was happy to hit 96% of my max.
Metcon
5 rounds/90 second AMRAP/30 seconds rest
5 pullups
10 pushups
15 air squats
My score was 6 rounds and this felt absolutely terrible. Still can’t breathe.
Wednesday September 26
Strength
Snatch + Snatch PP + OHS
1x(2+2+1) @ 45% = 45#
1x(2+2+1) @ 55% = 55#
1x(1+1+1) @ 65% = 65#
1x(1+1+1) @ 70% = 70#
1x(1+1+1) @ 75% = 75#
4x(1+1+1) @ 80% = 80#
Apparently my external rotation sucks. Main focus is this for now.
Metcon
For Time
500M Row
50 Hang KB Snatches 35#
50 DU
50 Medball Situps
50 DU
50 Hang KB Snatches
500M Row
First of all, when you are pregnant and in your first trimester, ANYTHING for time sucks. Much less, this workout. I don’t remember my time. I remember wanting to die around the 15 minute mark.
