On one of mine and Scott’s date night we FINALLY had the dreaded talk.
To have more kids…or…to not have more kids.
Scott is 100% adamant that he does not want any more kids. He has had the stance since the miscarriage, so it should not be a surprise to me. BUT, I am normally REALLY good at persuading him to go with my decision.
But, he is not budging.
We have not really had the conversation. We have kind of danced around the subject because we know that we are not going to come to an agreement.
So, a couple of beers in…it was on my mind…and I brought it up.
Me – “So about having more kids…”
Scott – “No.”
Me – “WHY??”
Scott – “I just don’t want anymore and my decision isn’t going to change.”
Literally this was our “official” conversation. We were both done after that.
I ended up talking to the therapist about it and had somewhat of a revelation in regards to Scott not wanting anymore kids.
Scott had a really hard time with Raelynn and Briar when they were little.
He still somewhat has a hard time with Briar. We just did not have easy babies. In the early baby stages, both were attached to me in every way possible. They only wanted me. And then, when they screamed for hours on end, Scott could not console them. I could not console them.
But they REALLY didn’t want Scott.
Then when I had Briar, Raelynn naturally gravitated towards Scott because he was “available” and I was not. Briar STILL wants me over anyone. Raelynn was the exact same way…until I had Briar.
Briar really took a toll on Scott. It was like she pushed him away and continues to do so and it really hurt his feelings.
He relates all of this to having a new baby.
Scott likes to feel needed and useful, and I get that 100%. He is already making the assumption that when we have a new baby, it’s not going to like him. And, something else that he has expressed to me is he does not want the girls to have to share rooms and I think this is because he had to share a room with his brother. We only have a 3-bedroom house, so if we have another baby, someone will have to share a room.
His feelings are valid and I do not discount them at all.
But, I have feelings and wants too. And at this point, it’s almost a battle as to who is going to win because neither of us are relenting.
This is forcing me to take a step back and reevaluate why do I really want 3 kids…
Why do I want 3 kids?
I’ve just always imagined my family to have 3 kids. And without surgical intervention, I have been led to believe, it’s no longer possible.
Is this the universe’s way of telling me to get over it and move on?
Do I even want to have the surgery? In short, no.
This is where being a headstrong individual gets me in trouble. I normally do whatever I can to get what I want. Including a surgery to get another baby. But, selfishly, if it’s risky at all, if it will make my pregnancy high risk, or interfere with my workout routine, I would instantly say no.
The therapist suggested that I reach out to the fertility doctors and see what all it would entail. Then I could pursue it or start my journey for closure.
I’m scared to call them.
In my heart, I already know they are going to give me an answer that I don’t want to hear, so I just keep putting it off.
So, after all this…why do I want 3 kids?
Because I do. And I’ll never have a better answer other than that.
End of discussion.
