We are more than half way through the year, and I find myself reflecting back on prior posts. I post a lot of things for accountability. If I put it out there, I have to do it, right?
So, here I am, about to be vulnerable as hell and tell you everything that I have or have not accomplished for the year.
I started the year off with making resolutions (you can read here: Goodbye 2017…Hello 2018) which is something that I do not normally do. The basically consisted of being less negative, being less judgmental, and distancing myself from negative people.
I really wanted this year to be different. I wanted to set high, yet attainable goals for myself. I wanted something to work towards this year.
Soon after the beginning of the year, I lost my 4th baby. I was breastfeeding, pregnant, and having a miscarriage all at the same time.
Just imagine the raging hormones.
Then I found out it would be very difficult to have more kids unless I have surgery to correct my uterus. Then, Scott said he didn’t want to have any more kids and I still wanted more kids.
All of this seriously turned my world upside down.
I lost myself a lot this year.
I lost sense of my goals, I lost sense of who I wanted to be, I lost sense of everything.
BUT, because I have been working on myself for the past 3 years, I was determined to not hit rock bottom. I had too much going for me. I had resolutions to meet!
I ramped up therapy appointments.
I started going to the gym 5 days a week.
I tried to do things to make me happy.
I backed off of relationships in general that were not beneficial to me.
I NEEDED and WANTED to focus on myself. I had to, for myself, for my husband, for my kids, my family, my friends. My intention was never to piss anyone off, but I was and am refusing to put anyone else’s personal agenda before mine. I cannot be the best version of myself if I keep doing things for other people.
My last miscarriage was a huge mental and emotional setback for me.
I couldn’t let it go. I was hanging on to it for dear life. I was living a nightmare that I just wanted to wake up from.
But, it did allow me to refocus a little bit on what was important in life. It sparked something inside of me that has resonated throughout this entire year.
Change happens and is inevitable.
You can either close your eyes and cower in the corner…or you can accept it with open arms and roll with the punches. I chose the latter.
Was I expecting to get pregnant? Nope. (click the link to read more about my unexpected pregnancy)
Was I scared shitless? Yes.
Miscarriage? Devastating. (click the link to read more about my third miscarriage)
Broken Uterus? Fuck the world. (click the link to read more about my bicornuate uterus)
Was I expecting Scott to tell me he didn’t want any more kids? Absolutely not. It was heartbreaking for me because I wanted more.
I’ve somewhat recovered from it. Because I can’t let this set the tone for the remainder of the year. I can’t be negative forever. Did I want that baby? MORE THAN ANYTHING. I seriously don’t think I could ever express to someone how much I’ve wanted that baby and the other 3 that I’ve lost.
Because of this miscarriage, I have had to take a step back and focus on myself. I don’t have the time or the need to be negative or judgmental or live by someone else’s agenda.
A miscarriage is not a blessing. A broken uterus is not a blessing. I am, however, a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. And I have to think that way to remain positive.
Scott still doesn’t want any kids and I still do. This topic is to be revisited…
What exactly is my point?
I set goals and resolutions literally on day 1 of 2018.
From January – March my world was completely rocked.
My recovery period has not been as quick as I wanted, but I’m trying.
I’m adapting to the inevitable change in my life that was not expected or welcomed.
I am revisiting my goals to refocus on what I wanted to accomplish and I’m going to make that happen. This is good for me. I needed to revisit and remember why I set these resolutions.
Don’t be a bitch.
Set your goals high and don’t let anything hold you back.