I would like to tell you that Week 10 was sunshine and rainbows, but I’d be lying to you.
After a week of feeling pretty okay, I was quickly (and thankfully) reminded that I am in fact still growing a baby.
I was nauseous for 3 days straight. And just flat out feeling like shit. No motivation. No energy levels. It was exhausting.
On top of feeling like shit, Scott and I got into a pretty big argument.
Our 6 year wedding anniversary was coming up on Saturday. On Thursday we began to talk about what we were going to do. I told him that I wanted to go to a CrossFit competition for a couple of hours that morning, then he said he wanted to go to a baseball game that our high school was putting on that afternoon.
Okay, I could live with that.
Then he said he was probably going to go out that night with friends.
That was not going to happen.
**Que the start of our argument**
We had originally planned on doing something out of town. But, then I got pregnant. He asked if I still wanted to go out of town. I said, “No, we don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”
Yes, I realize what I said, but I assumed that we would at least go to dinner without the kids or something. You know, like ACTUALLY celebrate our wedding anniversary like a normal couple…
He took this very literally and also as an invitation to do whatever the hell he wanted with no regards to me or our anniversary.
Neither of us talked about it that night. The next day, I was still stewing on it. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. So I text him a book of everything I was feeling. I hate it, but sometimes I feel it’s the only way to get my point across.
He can read it.
He can digest it.
Then he can respond.
No response all day.
When I got home that night, he asked where I wanted to go for dinner. I told him I didn’t care. I didn’t care to talk to him about this right now. I just knew the conversation was going to go left and there would be no end resolution.
I think he felt the tension as well because we did not continue the conversation.
The next morning, I woke up, and it was our anniversary. And I felt absolutely terrible. I felt so gross. I was tired. I was exhausted. And I had just got out of bed. I was determined to drink a cup of coffee. I hadn’t been able to drink any in 6 weeks.
I brewed about a half of a pot, poured me a cup, added my pumpkin spice creamer, because I’m basic as fuck, and took a big swig.
It tasted fucking terrible. I was so sad. I needed energy!
I forced myself to drink the whole cup.
I think this contributed to me feeling even worse throughout the day.
Scott and I made brief conversation throughout the day. And we decided that we would go to dinner. We dropped the kids off at a friends house so we could go alone. I had already decided that’s when I was going to spring the conversation on him and make him talk about it.
When we finally got to our table and we ordered, I said, “So what are we doing? What are we?”
He laughed. I told him this is why I can’t have a serious conversation with him because he brushes everything off. And then I started laughing because he was laughing. Overall, we probably needed that to start the conversation off.
When we both got our shit together we had a civil conversation about everything in the text message above. The problem I have is this has been an ongoing conversation all year long. I am so incredibly over it.
I told him that I was waiting for him to tell me he was done with me.
I’m just waiting on the moment that he will be tired of me bitching and he will leave me.
He reassured me that wouldn’t happen, but we are just in such a weird place right now. I am going through so much. And he doesn’t know how to help.
I wish that he would go back to the therapist with me, but I’m not sure that he will. I haven’t even brought it up because I’m scared of his answer.
We aren’t in a bad place at all, but we are just stuck in this really awkward place that we keep going back to. We take 1 step forward and 3 steps back. It’s so frustrating.
I know that Scott means no harm by his actions, but if I am not boldly in your face about it, I will just keep getting pushed to the back burner. And I won’t stand for that. Because if I do, I won’t be in the picture anymore. Simple as that.
Throughout our conversation Scott brought up some valid points about me as well.
I live and die by a schedule, especially when it comes to our kids. It makes me so uncomfortable and anxious to be outside of our schedule, without good reason.
Example 1: We have a couple of friends that get together and watch Kentucky football on the weekends. The past couple of games haven’t started until 7:30 and the girls bedtime is at 8:00. I just don’t go and stay home with the girls. Scott doesn’t like that.
Example 2: We have a friend that has a nice lake house. They invite us and the girls to go every year. Every year, without hesitation, I say no. I am so scared that they won’t sleep in an unknown place. I know they sleep well at home. I hate messing with that. If they don’t sleep, they will be assholes the whole next day and it will stress me the fuck out. Scott doesn’t like this either.
I realize I sound like a crazy person.
But I can’t get past it. I have briefly talked to the therapist about it, but maybe I need to dig deeper into it. It’s clearly affecting Scott, not just me.
I am happy that Scott actually tells me this stuff. It may take being an asshole and getting mad, but I need to know what he needs too. This isn’t a one way street.
I have been a work in progress for 3+ years. I know I have barely scrapped the surface of dealing with my own issues.
On a more positive note, I made it to the gym 4 times this week on my new schedule!
Monday October 8
Power Clean + Power Jerk
1x(2+1) @ 40% = 56#
1x(2+1) @ 50% = 70#
1x(2+1) @ 60% = 84#
1x(2+1) @ 70% = 98#
1x(2+1) @ 77% = 108#
4x(2+1) @ 83% = 116#
83% felt terrible, but I tried to tell myself it was okay because I had been out for a week and a half. I am having some pain in the right shoulder/delt area
1 Rope Climb
First modifications of this pregnancy. I was not about to do 80 kipping pulls ups. I was already not feeling strong. I just knew it wasn’t the right move. So I added a band and did strict.
I’m overall not comfortable doing rope climbs. I have just recently gotten them this year, but I am just not comfortable with them. I did rope hooks instead.
My time was 26:03! HOLY FUCKING HELL THIS WAS TERRIBLE FOR MY FIRST WORKOUT BACK AFTER 1 1/2 WEEKS OFF. I DIED. FOR REAL.
Tuesday October 9
1×5 @ 45% = 65#
1×4 @ 50% = 70#
1×3 @ 55# = 77#
1×3 @ 60% = 84#
4×3 @ 70% = 98#
These were from the rack. I’m not comfortable at all in the split jerk position. My knees cave in really bad. These didn’t feel terribly heavy.
20 seconds on
10 seconds off
Hanging Knee Raises
Jumping lunges with a 25# KB
Even before I was pregnant, my coach didn’t want me to kip my HSPU, so I’ve been practicing strict. For now, I have to use a 45# plate, a 15# plate, and an ab mat. My ass hurt for at least a week after the jumping lunges.
Wednesday October 10
Split jerk, 2s hold in split
1×5 @ 45% = 63#
1×4 @ 50% = 70#
1×3 @ 55% = 77#
1×3 @ 60% = 84#
4×3 @ 70% = 98#
I am not super comfortable doing split jerks. These didn’t feel heavy, just awkward.
14 min AMRAP
10 hang KB clusters
40 double unders/120 singles
Friday October 12
1×3 @ 50% = 118#
1×3 @ 60% = 141#
1×3 @ 70% = 154#
5×3 @ 80% = 176#
10 Min EMOM
Minute 1 – 15 TTB
Minute 2 – 15 Box Jump Overs
I received a check mark for doing this 🙂 I never even came close to 15 TTB in 1 minute. I averaged around 12 box jump overs every minute.