After realizing I was still being irrational..see last post…, I finally talked to Scott that night.
I basically told him everything I was feeling about medicine, and keto, and therapy, and life. When I texted him and asked if he would go to therapy with me, I offered no explanation. I wanted to at least give him an explanation as to why I thought it would be good for us and I wanted to express that it was not going to be a bash session against him. He agreed that he thought it would be okay.
After initially talking about it that night, I think it was a Tuesday night, I promised myself that I wouldn’t mention therapy to Scott until the end of the week. I didn’t want to push it. I wanted him to be able to think about it and process it. I’ve been sitting on the therapist’s couch for 3 years talking to her, so this was nothing out of the ordinary for me.
But for him, I knew it probably had to make him feel vulnerable.
Friday at the dinner table, I asked him if he was going with me. He said yes, but I could feel hesitation. I just left it alone. I felt and hoped that he was going to go with me, but I didn’t want to keep pressing the issue. I just hoped on Tuesday, he would wake up and go to therapy with me, instead of work.
And he did.
We walked in and I introduced the elusive Scott that she had heard so much about. After that I pretty much jumped right in. I told her that I was probably going to talk a lot and cry a lot and about that time I started crying and I hadn’t even started talking about anything yet.
I told her all the recent news about my uterus and how it’s basically consuming my life. Even though Scott and I haven’t discussed it in depth, we were on the same page, that we feel the decision has been made for us that we will not have any more kids. It’s not out of the question, but it’s highly unlikely that we will have another kid.
For that decision to be made for you, AND for that decision to be taken away from you in the blink of an eye is heartbreaking.
For so many years I feel as though my body has failed me, but now, it’s committed the ultimate failure.
I talked about grieving this miscarriage really bad because I felt it was my last pregnancy. We talked about all of this. I basically never stopped crying and talking for about 15 minutes. She asked if I had been crying a lot lately and I told her here and there, but not really like I was now. She then asked if this is how I felt all the time, and I instantly said yes.
I feel like I have to be strong. I have to be strong for so many reasons.
I felt like crying all the time, but I didn’t. I felt like hiding in a black hole, but I don’t.
Then, she went to Scott. She asked the typical therapist question, “How does seeing her like this make you feel?” With a quivering lip, and teardrop rolling down his face, he simply said, “Helpless.”
I spent 15 minutes catching her up on everything, but, within 5 seconds, Scott was able to say one word and solidify why we were there.
From there we dove into the 5 love languages. I told her through a conversation I had with a coworker it made me realize that we were on different pages when it came to this. And this was the main reason we were here.
Again, this was not a bad thing. For me, I just thought it would be better that she explain things and help us. She took the time to explain to Scott each one and he agreed that his was Acts of Service. She also explained mine, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation to him, which I think was very helpful.
I think all of this was good coming from her and not me. I tend to read a lot of things and try to explain them to Scott and I think he half ass listens. So, for her to be reiterating how we can help each other, was perfect.
As always, the hour flies by. I felt like we had just sat down and now it was time for us to leave. I felt better talking about everything and having Scott there.
We didn’t really have a chance to talk about anything after it was over because we both had to go to work.
That night after the kids went to bed, I asked him what he thought about therapy. He said it was fine and he liked her. That night he was a little more attentive to me. Even though he has saw me be a blubbering mess before, I think, just the raw emotions with someone else in the room that was qualified to tell me it was okay to feel like this and Scott should take note, was a little eye opening for him.
It was a great experience for the both of us.
I think our relationship could use a little tune up every once in a while. But, I hope that we don’t need her again for a really long time.