It doesn’t even matter what week it is anymore.
For the third time, THIRD TIME…I’m having a miscarriage.
I can’t even comprehend what life is right now.
I simply cannot believe I am going through this yet again.
On January 16th, I started spotting at work. It was brown, and it was only when I wiped. It wasn’t even transferring to a pad. Obviously my first thought was miscarriage. But then I had to take a step back and remember the subchoronic bleed. I knew this could happen. I just wasn’t prepared for it so quickly after my appointment. Literally 6 days after my first appointment. Still, it wasn’t bad, so I wasn’t going to let it consume my thoughts.
The next day, January 17th, I woke up and it was almost gone. Okay. Great. During work, I started to feel a little crampy. I knew cramping wasn’t a good sign. I did my best to remain calm and stay focused on work. Before I left for the day, I went to the bathroom and wiped, and…the blood was now pink. Still not transferring to a pad at all, but concerning that the color changed. I called the OB before I left for the day. Basically just letting them know everything that was going on. They said to call back if the blood turned red, if I started to see clots, or if I started cramping really bad.
That night I started cramping really, really bad. But, it was in my back. It instantly reminded me of the back labor I had with Briar. It felt the exact same way. My bleeding turned from pink to red and it picked up a little bit. It was now transferring to the pad, but nothing to be overly concerned about. At one point during the middle of the night I woke up and I started having the back cramping again. It was so freaking uncomfortable. I knew I had to be bleeding more, so I got up and checked. Nope. Still about the same.
I got up on January 18th and got ready for work. My cramping has ceased for the most part, but the bleeding was about the same. I already decided I was going to call the doctor for the simple fact of my blood being red now. They wanted to see me as soon as possible given my current conditions, history, etc. They scheduled me an ultrasound for 10:30 that morning, but I wouldn’t see a doctor until around noon. For that reason, I told Scott not to worry about coming because I felt like I would know right away when I got the ultrasound done. He asked multiple times if he needed to come and I told him no. I guess I didn’t feel like anything super terrible was going to happen. I was really calm. Which was weird. And not me.
When I got there, I was almost immediately taken back. The poor ultrasound tech probably hates seeing me. It’s the same one for all 5 pregnancies. She’s super nice. I am assuming she was aware of why I was there because there is a big screen that I can see and it was turned off and it’s normally on. I had to get a transvaginal ultrasound. She told me that she was going to take all of her measurements and then she would turn her screen towards me so I could see. I looked at her face when she started clicking away on her machine and I could just tell it was bad. I looked away and tried to occupy my mind with something…anything…and nothing…I looked at her face again and it just solidified that it was bad. I could just tell. I’m sure it was probably about 2 minutes, but it felt like 20 minutes had passed. She finally turned the screen around, showed me the sac, showed me the baby, but explained to me there was no heartbeat. My calmness was gone. My composure was gone. I just let the tears flow. I couldn’t and still can’t believe this is happening again. I just saw a baby with a heartbeat 8 days again. 8 DAYS AGO. In 8 days, my baby died.
I have lost my fourth baby. I now have four little angels in heaven. I cannot believe this.
Now, I had to wait for an hour until I talked to the doctor. I already knew what the doctor was going to say so I was just pissed that I had to be there even longer. During this time, I took the time to tell everyone that knew I was pregnant that I was losing the baby. My emotions were there and present, so I just wanted to get it over with as opposed to waiting for later while I was at home with my kids.
I waited, and cried, and waited, and cried until the doctor finally came in. She made sure I was aware the baby’s heart had stopped beating which means I am going to miscarry. She explained to me my options, miscarry naturally, get a pill prescribed that would help speed up my miscarriage, or get a D&C. For the moment, I am hoping and praying that my body will take care of this pregnancy naturally. She said it could take up to a week. And if it hasn’t happened in a week or so, then I will need to select a different option. I really don’t want to have a D&C purely for money purposes. It’s so expensive.
I was okay through the majority of the conversation, but I wanted to ask a question that I knew I wasn’t going to get a good enough answer to.
WHY? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME? Of course, I lost it. I couldn’t even get the question out. I reiterated to her that I knew miscarriages happen all the time, and I knew I was considered lucky because I’ve had 2 successful pregnancies, and I knew I wasn’t considered high risk, but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? I took my prenatals and I took my progesterone. WHY?
She told me at this point since I’ve had 3 miscarriages, that I could be a candidate to get some testing done. The testing would be done about 6 weeks after it’s confirmed that I miscarried. It’s something I might consider.
Today, I am just really struggling with the fact that this is happening again. I know this happens all the time, but I just can’t believe it.
–The Kentucky Momma