Week 24 Part 1

A little off subject of the normal post. I am finding myself consumed in anxiety, worry, and just really fucking overwhelmed within the past week. I almost somewhat feel like my old self again. And not the good, fun loving old self. The old self that was in a really bad place.

So, I will just jump right into it.

In my prior life (1.5 years ago), I had a really hard time dealing with things on the news because everything was bad. I am just not the normal person that can read an article or watch a news segment and move on with my life. I think way too much about it. I think if there is a murderer on the loose or if I hear of burglary in the area, I am next, or my house is next. Yes, I realize how stupid this sounds, but it is what it is. Anyways, in order to deal with this, my therapist told me very simple, very common sense tips, but it just took her to tell me what I needed to do. She told me to stop watching the news, delete all my news apps, and unfollow all of the news stations local and world on all social media. Again, seems simple, but I felt like it was such a big deal. I got rid of everything that day and immediately felt better. The absence of news in my life made my life better.

To this day, I still do not follow anything news related. And I am super happy about this. On the weekends, I was actually able to start watching the news again because it was more so focused towards weekend events and things to do around town, and less about murderers, and burglars. However, within the past week, the news has really been bothering me. And even though I do not follow anything on social media, there have been posts that people share that have been bothering me. Recent events that have somewhat taken a toll on me: stupid ass people that dress up as clowns to scare people, this potential war between the U.S. and Russia, people impersonating police officers and breaking into a house to steal several items and ransack their home, multiple break ins by my place of employment leading to a business across the street being held up at 11:00 a.m. on a Monday, just to name a few. I just keep thinking that I am next. There is no possible way that I’m not next. The thoughts literally consume me to the point of not being able to accomplish a task at hand because I cannot even focus. Stupid? Yes. I get it. I realize it. But, I cannot make these thoughts go away. TRUST ME, I wish I could. I wish I did not think like this.

On top of the news bothering me again, Scott and I have somewhat been a little rocky again, but the more I think about it, the more I think I’m just literally going bat shit crazy. Ever since our talk on Labor Day weekend, things have been somewhat better. He has, however, traded in his night outs and weekends away for constantly being outside. He is truly accomplishing necessary things outside, but it’s just a strain on me, personally, because he is still not there. I might have went a little crazy on him for doing too much outside because it was aggravating me and I pretty much felt like a psychopath after our conversation. On top of that, our baby sitter cancelled for our anniversary date. She text me a couple days prior because she had been sick and went to the doctor. I tried everything I could to find another sitter but everyone had plans already.

I just can’t seem to find a happy medium lately. Today I considered deleting my social media. I literally cannot continue to be unhappy or worry about things. It doesn’t make me a good mom or wife and those are the two most important things to me. Deleting my social media isn’t off the table, that’s just a much bigger commitment than I’m willing to make right now.

Overall, I just had a really bad day and it all came to a head for me today. I HATE blaming my emotions on pregnancy and hormones, but I just feel really emotional today. And I really feel like it’s a combination of being pregnant and not going to therapy. Yes, that’s a whole other issue. I haven’t been to therapy since July. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it just accidentally did. Life happened. I finally called today to make an appointment. Hopefully I’ll be in there soon with some sense of relief.

I know this is a little bit of everywhere, but I am just struggling today. So far, the second trimester has been the most stressful for me.

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