Life is about change…


Today is the last day at my current job. I have so many mixed feelings about it; both good and bad.

This job made me feel like I was useful again. it made me feel like more than a milk machine to my little girl. It made me feel like a person again…eventually…

With all that, I also experienced great anxiety and depression from starting a job again.

I started this job because my business was coming to an end. I no longer had the desire to put in the necessary time and effort into the business. I was drained from having a colicky baby. The business just wasn’t working. I didn’t come to terms with this until about a month ago in my therapy session, but looking back, I can now say this with confidence and I’m okay with that.

I told myself that if I was going to get a job, I was going to do it the right way and get a good, full time, permanent job. I reached out to a job recruiter and asked for assistance. They presented me with the opportunity for my current position and I was immediately turned off by it because it was temporary. I still agreed to go on the interview, but I went into it just knowing that I wasn’t going to take it. During the interview process I realized the opportunity was actually something I would be interested in, even though it was temporary. I ended up accepting the position. At this time, Raelynn was 4 months old.

My first day of work was also he first day of daycare. My husband and I dropped her off and there was not a tear to be cried. Since she has colic for the first 4 months, it was somewhat of a relief to get away and be a productive citizen of society.

As time went on at work, my responsibilities increased and so did my depression and anxiety. When Raelynn was 4 months old until she was 6 months old, I had hit an all time low. I didn’t want to be a stay at home mom, but I didn’t want to be at work. I needed a break from my daughter, but I didn’t want her to be at daycare. I didn’t want to pump while I was at work. I wanted to be the one feeding her from my breast, not from a bottle. We had issues that continued to mount at daycare. I would spend at least one entire day a week crying at my desk, accomplishing nothing.

I had to do something. I was not okay with the idea of taking any type of medication. I just never wanted a medication to be my crutch when I was having a nervous/anxious breakdown.

I started therapy and CrossFit. They have both been ESSENTIAL and extremely effective in helping me get stronger mentally. I started both of these simultaneously when Raelynn was 6 months old. I have only went up from there. About that time, I also started taking more pride in the work I did and I….gasp….started to enjoy it. It was eventually presented to me that my time here may not end. And I was surprisingly okay with that.

Until, it did come to an end. Today is the day. I was given ample time to find another job, but, unfortunately, my field is competitive and I am having a hard time securing a position against people that have 15 years experience.

Overall, I would say my experience here has been a positive one. It made me realize that I do want a full time job instead of the business, it made me realize that Raelynn is okay when she is not in my care, it made me realize that the world will continue revolving and there is nothing you can do about it.

I think, overall, I’m more upset right now at the fact that I do not have another position lined up. The uncertainty of my future is hanging in the hopes that one of my interviews will pan out. It’s scary. Very scary. It makes me feel like I have lost control of everything, my life, my family’s well being.

I am hoping the company I had my third interview with last week will call me next week and tell me how wonderful it would be if I became a part of their team. Other than that, I had a phone interview yesterday, and I have two face to face interviews scheduled next week.

2015 has sure been one hell of a ride.

Continue to pray for me y’all. Hopefully I have a positive update next week.

–The Kentucky Momma


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