Why can’t I just be rich?

I’m just not sure why I can’t hit the lottery. I am constantly worrying about money and paying bills. My job situation does not help the case either.

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I had a stable job for 8 years. I left it to venture into the corporate world. Hated the corporate world. Started my own business. Failed at my own business. Currently working at a temporary job that I actually like only to find out that by the end of July, I will no longer work here. I knew it was only temporary, but I believe they gave me a little bit of false hope. Just last month, I replaced a girl and took over a lot of her work. My boss even talked with me and asked if I was okay with extending my contract, even mentioned that it may not end. But that wasn’t a sure thing. Overall, I thought all was well.

My husband and I have recently decided that it was time to sell our house and buy a new one. We are very quickly outgrowing our 1000 sq ft house. Little did I know, I could not get preapproved for a loan with a temporary job status. So, last Thursday, I approached my boss and asked if my job had the potential to be permanent. She told me probably not, which was okay with me. It really was. I just didn’t expect that 4 days later I would be finding out that I needed to find ANOTHER new job. They just hired a person to replace me. She’s going to be doing the exact same thing as me, but she is located in Atlanta, at the corporate office.

I look at it as, I’ve done this to myself. I really have. I left my stable job because I was at a plateau monetarily and with advancement. I wanted something different. Health care is a booming and stable field in Louisville, KY so I figured I would test the waters. Absolutely hated health care and didn’t care too much for the company I worked for. So while I was there, I had the crazy idea to start my own bookkeeping business. I was at my corporate job for 3 months when i decided to start the business. I worked day in and day out to get the business running. I worked my full time job until I had enough clients to take over that income and quit my full time job. I LOVED running my business. I loved the schedule, I loved everything about it. I especially loved being my own boss. Then, my biggest client decided he wanted to bring the position in house. We parted ways and that’s when the business took a tumble. My daughter was 4 months old when my biggest client quit. I could not afford to not have a job at that point. So, I took on a temporary job while still maintaining all of my other clients.

Soon after I went to work at my temporary job, I developed acute post partum depression, and extreme anxiety. It literally consumed my life. I hated it. I hated everything. I hated everyone. I was mad. I was sad. I was every emotion you could ever imagine being.

That’s when I started therapy. Therapy had been a very positive thing for me. At my last session on Monday, June 8th. I told her i was really enjoying my job. I was certain they were going to continue to extend my contract. But, I told her I was extremely stressed with managing my clients. I felt like I was doing a disservice to them by not giving them as much time as I could prior to having the full time job. We talked about ways to break the news to my current clients that I was no longer going to manage the business. By the time I left the appointment, I felt really good about my decision to end the business. I’ve always struggled with the decision, but I really felt like I was finally on the right track.

Literally three hours after my appointment, my biggest client that dropped me, called me and wanted me back. WHAT IN THE HELL? I had finally come to terms with my failing business, then this happened. My mind was racing. I didn’t know what to do. There were now so many options.

A little background on this client, he never appreciated the work I did. He always considered it busy work. He could do it hisself, but he didn’t want to deal with it. He was always very back and forth about our relationship. Some days he liked me working there and other days he didn’t. He likes to be in control and rightfully so. But he constantly undermined me. Did I really want to get back into that when I honestly didn’t have to anymore? Did I really want to start the business up again? The answer to all, was no. And I’m okay with that.

Having Raelynn has completely changed the person I am and the person that I want to be. Sure, I want to provide for my daughter and to the best of my ability, allow her to have the best life possible. But, I do not want to sacrifice time with her. Starting the business again would cause my stress level to go through the roof and work days, nights, and weekends. I’m just not willing to do that.

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Then, I find out that I’m losing this job. Yes, I have time to find another one, but there are so many fears that I have. This job I’m at now is pretty awesome actually. As long as I work my eight hours a day, it doesn’t matter what time I come in. I have the ability to work from home at times. It’s so laid back. Am I going to find this somewhere else? Probably not. Am i going to accept a job that I ultimately hate in order to get a paycheck each week? more than likely, yes. I’m scared. I’m so scared of what the future holds. I want a stable, full time job, with benefits that pays decent and has decent hours. More importantly, i want to enjoy what i’m doing. That’s so so so important to me. Let the job hunt commence….

I guess I need to start playing the lottery if i want to win it, don’t I?

–The Kentucky Momma


2 thoughts on “Why can’t I just be rich?

  1. Amber says:

    I just want to give you a big hug. I’ve struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety as well, and had a lot of life change in my son’s first year of life. All the stress caused me to have health problems that ultimately made me decide to quit my job but I had a lot of anxiety about what to do next because 1) money and 2) I never thought I would be a SAHM and felt like I was doing something wrong by putting my career on hold. I had started a business before I had my son but it was stressful as well and I didn’t want to pursue that. After focusing on my family for a while, I’m starting a new business that I actually am excited about because I’m using my own struggle as a catalyst to try to help other moms, especially moms like me who have had or are prone to depression and anxiety. I hope that therapy continues to help you discover who you are and what you want so that you can make courageous and confident decisions and release your anxiety. Peace to you!

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