Trying to Overcome Anxiety

Well, I took the plunge and went to Thunder Over Louisville and even took Raelynn. And I’m really glad I went. I had fun, Raelynn had fun, I wasn’t really worried the whole time, it was a beautiful day. It was just all around a great time. Here are some pictures of our fun day:

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Recently, it’s come to my attention that more people are starting to pick up on my anxiety and me being so uptight. A couple of people mentioned it to me at Thunder. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want people to think I’m crazy. So, does this mean, stepping out of my comfort zone and go more places with Raelynn, probably. I really just feel like I have to do it. I can’t stay confined to my house and never do anything just so Raelynn and I are both comfortable. I can’t live the rest of my life like this. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this. I feel like it’s taking a toll on me in so many ways and I really just need to break free.

My biggest trigger for anxiety is Raelynn not being on schedule. I know I refer to this a lot, but the first 4 months of Raelynn’s life, she had colic and it was a nightmare. She hated everything. She literally never stopped crying for 4 months. Morning, afternoon, night, middle of the night, it didn’t matter. She always cried. When she finally started to grow out of the colic, a schedule started to develop. I really followed her lead and we found something that worked. Finding something that worked for all of us after our horrific start with her was amazing. She started to become predictable and we could work things around it. I never wanted to mess up her schedule because it worked. Why in the world would I try to mess something up when it took us forever to find something that worked? And I very rarely do. In doing this, it has caused me constantly be at Raelynn’s mercy. It’s really bad through the week because she is at daycare and doesn’t sleep at all while she is there. Basically by the time we get her she is so tired and so grumpy that it’s not really enjoyable to spend time with her.

Her bedtime is one thing I wish she would be a little flexible on. I shouldn’t complain because she is sleeping through the night for the most part with occasional middle of the night wakings. But, she is ready for bed at 7:00. not 7:15, not 7:04, not 6:59. 7:00 on the dot. So if we are not home by then, she will make sure you are fully aware that you are fucking with her bedtime. When she gets worked up, I get worked up. I can’t help it. And apparently everyone becomes aware of this. This makes it complicated for my husband and I. We have several friends that also have babies and they can go out to dinner and have a grand ol’ time with their baby and they just stay awake and remain happy the whole time or they can just ever so gracefully fall asleep on their mommy or daddy or in their car seat. Not Raelynn. Of course not Raelynn. She refuses all of the above. In order to avoid all of this, both of us or one of us (usually me) just opts to stay at home. Yes, it sucks. No, I don’t like it. Yes, I realize we could find a babysiter, but I am just not that type of person to hand off my child everytime something fun comes up. If that were the case, I basically wouldn’t see her all weekend. Do I realize how stupid this sounds, Yes. Can I explain it, No. Sorry. I know my logic is ass backwards, but, it is what it is.

I would like to slowly try to get out of my comfort zone and take her places and go off the schedule a little bit, and be okay with that. if I see that it works and she doesn’t get too upset, then it will make me more comfortable with doing things more often with her. I really don’t want to sit in the house all the time with her. I feel like Thunder Over Louisville was a really good start. Maybe, just maybe, dinner one day this week? Hopefully I don’t regret that decision.

Have a good week y’all.

–The Kentucky Momma

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