Let’s try this again…

I did have a really terrible day yesterday. Which prompted the really negative post.

But, last night, I actually got some sleep, so I felt compelled to write about the somewhat positives of my first 12 weeks with Briar and maybe elaborate a little more on certain situations currently going on in my life.

She is happy.

She is healthy.

She is well taken care of.

She is loved.

That’s really all that matters.

Her first month was pretty laid back. NOTHING compared to Raelynn. Raelynn screamed from the moment she came home. Briar ate, slept, was awake for a little bit, slept, and ate some more. Our breastfeeding journey was and has been MUCH less complicated that mine and Raelynn’s. I struggled with Raelynn for about 3 months with a terrible latch and bloody nipples. Briar, maybe a week, which was a welcome change. Sleep sucked, which was expected in the first month. The adjustment to two kids was weird, but we were establishing a routine.

Briar’s second month into her third month is where things started to go downhill. (I know, this is supposed to be positive, but I feel like I have to say this). She started to have colicky moments and I instantly had flashbacks of Raelynn. It was not welcome at all. I don’t know why, but I like to be in denial of certain things instead of acknowledging them and trying to fix them. Briar’s colicky behavior was probably one of them. She is now almost 12 weeks old and looking back, she probably definitely had a mild case of colic. It was nothing compared to Raelynn, but Scott and I both faced some desperate moments with Briar.

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YEP…. 

Scott’s desperate moments most certainly outweighed mine. I found myself being able to be cool, calm, collected, and for the most part able to deal with the crying. Even if I wasn’t able to soothe her, I could deal with the crying. With Raelynn, I couldn’t deal. Period. I was in a very bad place with Raelynn very early on.

Which brings me to my next point, I honestly don’t know if Scott was like this with Raelynn or not. I was so fucked up and wrapped up in my own emotions that I did not have the energy to focus on Scott. Some similarities between Raelynn and Briar with Scott, I know he did not like coming home from work with both because they would both be in the colic stage and they would both cry until they went to bed. He felt like he could not soothe either of them because he didn’t have boobs, even though Briar is somewhat taking the pacifier. But one big thing I notice with Briar is he simply loses it. He has ZERO patience with her. He gets so worked up so quick and he doesn’t realize whenever he does this, she feeds off him. My rationalization for this is, he can talk to Raelynn. Raelynn can tell him her wants and needs and he can fulfill them. He cannot do that with Briar. He finally told me he doesn’t feel connected to Briar. I know he felt the same with Raelynn, too. It’s just hard to hear. Even if I am feeling those same feelings, vocalizing something like that just hurts my heart. But, I get it. I really do. If the roles were reversed, I can’t say that I wouldn’t be experiencing the same feelings.

I read an article yesterday that kind of put things in perspective for me and my post partum depression. Even though this should be common knowledge and I should know better because I’ve been through it once…this simple statement really speaks volumes…”You can’t do it all”.

But, I am the mom and I want to do it all. I have a very hard time asking for help. I’m strong willed and hard headed and I’m not afraid to admit that. I am a controller. I would just rather do things myself, my way, instead of having someone do them for me. It’s how I’ve always been in all aspects of life. Is it right? Probably not. But, I can’t help who I am. I’m working on it. I don’t want my kids to feel this “controller” part of me. Therapy helps with that and she calls me out a lot on this side of my personality.

Back to the positives…

Briar smiles and laughs which is adorable. And when she does, it almost always seems to erase the bad night we had together.

Raelynn absolutely loves Briar. Every day when she gets home from daycare she asks, “Mommy, did she have a good day?!” So far, there has been no hard feelings about having to share her mommy and daddy. But, we also try to give her a lot of attention. Especially since it’s starting to feel nice outside, we go outside and play a lot. We try to interact with her as much as we can before we result to the TV or iPad. So far, I think we’ve done a pretty good job with managing this. Now, I’m not saying we don’t ever use the TV or iPad to give us a break because we most certainly do! We just try to do it in a positive way. We try to make it a reward for us so she doesn’t think she just gets it all the time.

Briar will be 3 months on April 22nd. As each day passes, I feel like we are getting closer to having a happier, sleepier (fingers crossed), baby.

I know both Raelynn and Briar will be strong willed like me, they are already proving it. For that, I am thankful.

Here is a picture of both of them at their 2 month appointment. Raelynn is on top, Briar is on the bottom.

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Here are some pictures of my girls.

And another 6 weeks later…

I’ve been slacking, as expected, just hoped it wouldn’t be another 6 weeks later…

Well, I’m just going to dive right in. These past 6 weeks have been pretty terrible. My thoughts are pretty scattered right now, so I’m sure this post will be too. I apologize in advance.

I am most definitely going through post partum depression again. The realization hit me over the past weekend. I seriously hate this feeling more than anything. Currently, at this moment, I am not in a good place at all.

Picking up where I left off at my last post….I was not getting any sleep, I discovered that Briar probably was allergic to dairy, I was going back to work, I was going to start back at the gym.

Briar is not allergic to dairy, just sensitive to dairy.  I am now dairy free, soy free, and egg free. She got a blood test at her 2 month appointment that tested for the milk protein allergy and it was negative. I have decided to stay dairy free since she had an obvious reaction to dairy. For the most part, it’s not that terrible. I have days where I get really pissed off that I literally have to fix every single one of my meals. There is no “grab and go” when you are dairy/soy/egg free. I was dairy/soy free for around 2-3 weeks and her face was breaking out still. I decided to cut eggs and it seemed to make her face better. I’m still somewhat unsure if she really had a reaction to eggs or not. I plan to reintroduce eggs first to see if she really had a reaction. I won’t reintroduce dairy until she is at least 5 or 6 months old. Hoping she has grown out of her sensitivity by then.

Going back to work and the gym have both been a good thing for me. I thrive on on schedule and routine. Currently, I only have one more week of working part time. I’m so ready to be back to work full time. I’m thankful I was able to slowly ease back into work, but there is too much shit to do and I’m a workaholic, so I’m ready to be back full time.

The most positive thing that has happened in the past 6 weeks is being able to go back to CrossFit. In the beginning, I was so ready to jump back in full force. My body was like, “Hell nah, girl. You just pushed a baby out 6 weeks ago.” I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal, but it was. I have NO CORE. Core is everything for all of the movements I do. I thought I would just be able to jump back in and be able to hit all of my maxes…wrong. I’ve been back in for about 6 weeks and I’m slowly getting stronger. I started out pretty slow, 2-3 days for the first couple of weeks. Then I started 4-5 days a week. Plus, I have a squat rack, barbell, and weights at home, so I’m able to do some strength training at home which has been very key for my recovery. It was very surprising to me, but I could do more in my 9th month of pregnancy than I could at 6, 7, even 8 weeks post partum. But, again, slowly recovering. Very happy to be back.

So, addressing the post partum depression…

Still…not getting any sleep. For almost 3 months, I’ve not got more than 4 hours of sleep at a time.

No sleep has, in my opinion, been the number one factor. I only know what I’ve been through with Raelynn, so all I do is compare. I don’t remember anything about Raelynn’s first 4 months of life except she just cried non stop and hated her life. I don’t remember too much about her sleep patterns. I just know she slept in the bed with us for the first 4 months.

We have tried everything with Briar. We have found some success, but we still have room to improve. She finally started to take to the swaddle. Technically, it’s a Halo Sleep Sack that we got from the hospital, but essentially comparable to a swaddle. Every night at 7pm, I feed her, then swaddle her, then take her to her room, put on white noise, and rock her to sleep in the rocking chair….

Yes, we tried the infamous put the baby down drowsy and let baby soothe herself to sleep. NOPE.

Yes, we even got so desperate for sleep that we tried, cry it out. I’m not a fan of this, but I was desperate for sleep. We tried it for 2 nights. The first night she cried for 2 hours. The second night she cried for 2 1/2 hours. Never stopped. We went in and got her eventually.

So, the rocking her to sleep works for us now. I’ll take it. Once she is asleep, which takes about an hour, I am able to lay her down in her crib. At first she would sleep until 11:00 – 11:30, she gradually made it to midnight, and now she is sleeping until about 1:00 a.m. in her crib. Two nights, she has slept until 2:00 a.m.

Sounds good right? The problem is when she wakes up. She wakes up, I feed her, and sometimes she goes back to sleep, and sometimes she does not. I tried for about 2 weeks to keep her in her crib all night and I was losing so much sleep. So, I decided after her first stretch of sleep, I was going to put her in the bed with us. In my mind, I could at least lay there while she did whatever and I could rest a little bit. For the most part it worked. However, it was not comfortable for myself, Scott, and Briar to all be in bed together. So, Scott and I do not sleep together as of right now which is a whole other issue. We take turns, one of us in the bed, and one of us on the couch. We are able to safely use the couch for Briar to sleep on because we have a huge couch and she’s not rolling, yet, so I feel comfortable with this.

So, when she wakes up, sometimes she able to settle herself, and sometimes she is not. On the nights that she is not able to, it’s terrible. We had a terrible night last night, which prompted me to finish this post because I needed an outlet. I have such a love/hate relationship with the pacifier. When she actually takes it, it soothes and she is able to go to sleep; HOW-FUCKING-EVER….she will not keep that damn thing in her mouth. She will suck a little and then spit it out and then cry. We have tried every pacifier known to mankind and pretty much the only one she likes are MAM pacifier. She goes through this vicious cycle in the middle of the night and she ends up working herself up because she can’t go back to sleep, therefore, is wide awake. It’s so fucking annoying. Like, I’m ready to get rid of the pacifier.

I’m just at a loss. I need her to sleep. I know that will come with time, which is why I’m wishing these newborn months away. I really didn’t want to do that with Briar because I did it with Raelynn. However, I didn’t regret it, and I don’t regret wishing it away now. I need to be sane for myself first, and my family second.

It is so hard for me to find a good balance in life right now. I honestly felt like Briar was going to be different. That I wasn’t going to have to walk down this post partum depression path again. Yet, here I am, with the exact same feelings that I had approximately 2 years ago.

Besides sleep, I am not enjoying much of anything. I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to leave the house, and I don’t want to have anyone over. This was my realization that I was in the throes of post partum depression already.

Last weekend, Scott asked if I wanted to have some people over for dinner. Without hesitiation, I instantly said no.

Here’s my thought process:

  1. First of all, I was not going to cook dinner at my house and then not be able to eat it. Let’s face it; most normal people on the weekend do not want to eat chicken and vegetables, which is essentially my diet being dairy/soy/egg free.
  2. I was already anticipating the chain of events that would happen through the night.
  3. Come 7:00p.m. I was going to have to be the one that went back to Briar’s room and secluded myself for the hour – hour and a half that it took to feed her.
  4. I was not going to want to entertain anyone after I put Briar to sleep because I was going to want to get ready for bed.
  5. I was going to have to be the one that woke up with her at 1:00a.m. and deal with her antics, whatever they may be for the night.

What part of that sounds like fun? I instantly realized that I was not enjoying things like I should be. That was my epiphany that I was balls deep in post partum depression already. It was not a welcome feeling. I became extremely emotional after this. I just did not want to be in this dark hole again. I had made so much progress, only to take leaps backwards.

There are several social events that are coming up and I’m probably going to stay at home for all of them. I literally just don’t have it in me to participate. I just feeling like I’m losing control of my life right now.

Another issue…my relationship. Things are not terrible; but they are not great either. I don’t really know what I expected this time around. I mean, introducing a newborn into your life is a big deal. I totally get how couples do not make it through kids. It puts major pressure on your relationship. And, Scott is having a really hard time with Briar in general.

We have several different situations right now that we both do not like:

  • Our sleeping situation is that we don’t sleep together right now. I hate this more than anything.
  • I am the only person getting up with Briar each night. Hence, Scott gets a full nights of uninterrupted sleep every single night. I hate this. He seriously does not even hear Briar cry. I am nothing less than amazed by this.
  • Scott only has to worry about Briar from 5:00pm – 7:00pm; which is her extreme fussy time. He has expressed to me that he does not feel connected with her at all right now.
  • Scott gets to not have a care in the world. I feel as though I carry all the burden.
  • Scott gets to enjoy himself and go out with friends. He does not have a hard time detaching from Briar, Raelynn, or myself at all. For me, I’m more so envious and jealous of this. Not mad about it.
  • I feel like he does not acknowledge any of the hard work that I’m putting into this.
  • Scott gets all the time with Raelynn and I practically get zero time with her.

Whenever I realized I was experiencing PPD, I took some time to gather my thoughts and then I had a conversation with Scott afterwards. It was a good, civil conversation. I told him that I didn’t want a pat on the back because I’m doing what any mom would do, but shit, give me a break every once in a while. Like, I’m not the one that has to put Briar to sleep every night. I’m not the one that has to wake up with her every single night. That’s when he told me that he didn’t feel connected with Briar. It made me sad when he said that, but I get it. We both equally agreed that we weren’t enjoying our lives right now. That made me even more sad. We both knew this, but just to vocalize it is a different story.

Here are the positives with Scott and I. We don’t hold anything back. So, whenever we have an issue with each other or just in general, we talk about it. We love each other too much to just let things keep building until we blow up on each other. We love each other too much to just let things go. We love each other so much that we realize we will have many bumps in the road that will test our relationship, but that doesn’t mean we give up. We fight harder. We overcome. And we always do. Which is exactly why Scott and I are perfect for each other.

Hoping for a more positive post the next time around…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

6 weeks later…

I’m not sure why I had the inconceivable idea that I could actually blog during Briar’s first 6 weeks of life. Sounds really optimistic, doesn’t it? I did, however, keep a small journal of notes, feelings, emotions, etc. that I experienced during the first 6 weeks so I could relay them here.

As I hope you have read, Briar was born 2 weeks early. It was somewhat expected because my first, Raelynn, was 2 weeks early. So, I am going to pick up exactly where I left off at with my Week 38 post.

Right after I had Briar, they had some small issues delivered the placenta. Not a huge deal. After about 15 minutes of trying to deliver it with no luck, the hospitalist just reached on up in there and proceeded to dig it out. That was interesting. It didn’t hurt, I could just feel her whole hand inside of me. Guess there is a first time for everything. Once it was delivered, she showed Scott and I, and Scott compared it to an uncooked steak. I suppose that’s why some people dehydrate it and eat it or encapsulate it. No judgment at all, that’s just not for me. After that, she started to stitch me up. They numbed me, but I could feel everything. Halfway through, my doctor finally arrived. She finished me up. It was somewhat of a blessing that we had her in the middle of the night because we had her all to ourselves for several hours before we ever had any visitors. When we actually got into our private room, it was about 2:00 a.m. My adrenaline was still pumping from pushing out a child not even 2 hours ago. I knew there was no way that I was going to get any sleep. Scott, on the other hand, snoring his little heart out on the pullaway bed. It’s hard to sleep anyways with all of the nurses and doctors constantly in and out.

The first day, we didn’t have many visitors, just family. The second day, we mainly had friends. Scott and I convinced all of our doctors and nurses that we should go home on the second day since there were no complications with myself or Briar. They all agreed, so we only had to stay one night in the hospital. We got discharged on Monday around 3:00 p.m. It was just enough time to get home and get settled before Scott had to go pick up Raelynn from daycare.

Our first week home…

Monday, as soon as Raelynn got home, I immediately started feeling all out of sorts, in particular, about Raelynn. I just spent the last two days bonding with Briar, and essentially not seeing Raelynn at all. It was just a whirlwind to have them both together and finally be a mother of two. It was a lot to deal with. I hoped these feelings would go away soon. That night, Briar nursed for 5 hours straight. It was terrible.

Tuesday, I was feeling so tired from no sleep at all. We had a doctor appointment for Briar. She weighed 5.13. Since she was under 6 pounds, they wanted her back on Friday for a weight check.

Wednesday, I was feeling better because Briar had slept a little. My nipples were killing me. They were so sore and the pain was toe curling. As a matter of fact, my whole body hurt.

Thursday morning, I woke up to the chills, literally teeth chattering chills. I had a low grade fever, my whole body ached. I had a mild case of mastitis. My right boob was the size of a basketball. Not joking. I called the doctor and they prescribed some medicine, but I ended up not even taking it. I nursed right through all of it and it was extremely painful. I wanted to cry every time it was time to feed her.

Friday, I felt much better. Briar’s appointment went well, she was up to 5.15. I started having night sweats. OMG terrible…..drenched in sweat from head to toe.

I was very anxious about Saturday and Sunday because it was our first full days with both kids. Throughout the week, we still continued to send Raelynn to daycare. We wanted things to stay as normal for Raelynn as possible. The weekend went well though.

The first week was as good as expected I guess. Notable items – night sweats suck, nursing sucks this week, I only had irrational feelings the first day, after that I felt okay, I didn’t get more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time all week, but that is expected with a newborn and breastfeeding. Briar slept in our bed all week. We have other options (bassinet, rock n play) that we are going to try next week

Second week home….

Monday, Scott went back to work. Even though I had done it once before, I was dreading  being alone with Briar. Overall, it went well. Briar started cluster feeding again (7-10 day growth spurt) Basically from 5pm – 9pm, nursing every hour, then still getting up every 2-3 hours at night to nurse. Raelynn started acting out today. I don’t think it was because of Briar. I think it’s typical toddler stuff. But, we had lots of spankings and time outs today.

Tuesday, getting really tired. No more than 2 hours of sleep at a time.

Wednesday, I felt like she cluster fed during the day??? I found myself getting really anxious for the first time. I was able to talk myself down though.

Thursday, still no sleep. Up every 2 hours.

Friday, still struggling with sleep at night. She finally goes to sleep around 8pm, then is up at 11pm, 2am, 4am, 6am, 7am, 8am…

Sunday night, getting really frustrated with the 11pm feeding. I feel like she just goes to sleep only to wake up again to eat.

Second week notables – not sleep at all. Still managing to function. Cluster feeding sucks. Being anxious sucks. I JUST WANT SLEEP. She has still been in our bed, by our choice. I’m not sure she liked it though. And she is a very, very loud sleeper. Big grunter

Third week home…

Monday, Tried the bassinet tonight, hated it.

Tuesday, we tried the swaddle and the rock n play for bed time and she slept the first stretch in there and then was back in the bed with us.

Wednesday, hoping growth spurt (2 week spurt) was over with. She slept for a long stretch during the day. I also had therapy today. I took Briar with me. We mainly just talked about how I was feeling (so far, so good) and how things were going. Nothing monumental to report. I also went into work today to talk to HR about my return. Planning on returning after my 6 weeks, part time only. 2-3 days a week for 6 more weeks and then I will go back full time.  Projectile vomited tonight. Completely out of the ordinary for her. Still didn’t think much of it though.

The weekend was not fun. Multiple night wakings. We are trying bedtime between 7pm  and 8pm. Waking between 6-7 times a night. I started experiencing some desperate moments as she would not go right back to sleep.

Week three notables – NO SLEEP SUCKS. Projectile vomit worried me. Only did it the one night though.

Week four home…

She is starting to fall into a good daytime routine. I let her lead. she wakes up from 7am-8am and we TRY to follow eat, wake, sleep. It doesn’t always work, but we try. Nighttime is a different story. We cannot find a constant at all. Nothing seems to work for her. Swaddling is hit or miss, the rock n play is hit or miss, the bassinet can suck it, she’s not comfortable in our bed, up to this point, she still hasn’t taken a pacifier. From 5pm – 7pm – she is becoming colicky. Nothing compared to Raelynn, it’s just frustrating for both Scott and I.

I kept Raelynn and Briar home by myself for the first time this Friday. They both had doctor appointments. They both went well. Raelynn weighed 26.8 pounds and Briar weighed 8.6 pounds. Keeping both of them went better than expected. I actually really enjoyed having Raelynn at home with Briar and I.

With a month of no more than 2-3 hours of sleep at a time and some nights, no more than 2-3 hours of sleep PERIOD, I needed a break. I told Scott that us two and Raelynn should go have dinner somewhere without Briar. It was nice to just have us three together. Plus, we both want to have times with just Raelynn. We went to dinner and then went and had ice cream. I had mentioned to Scott that I thought when Briar projectile vomited, it could have been because I ate cereal that day (not sure of timing). I am not a big dairy eater so it just kind of stood out to me. I chose to eat the ice cream anyways and see what happened. Well, she projectile vomited everywhere again almost instantly after  I had the ice cream. So I quickly came to the conclusion that Briar was allergic to dairy. I do not eat big dairy items, so I decided to do the elimination diet. But I also decided that I would eliminate the hidden dairy as well. From everything I had read it would take 2-3 weeks for the dairy to get completely out of my system and it could also be the reason for Briar’s consistent waking at night. Essentially I decided to follow the paleo diet. I very loosely followed it before I got pregnant, but I figured now is the time to do it hardcore. It also goes hand in hand with CrossFit, so it’s a win win for me.

Week four notables – no consistent sleep for me is killing me. It’s all starting to catch up. Really desperate to find some type of night time routine for Briar with my return to work fastly approaching. I realize it’s not going to happen in a week.

Week five home…my last full week home…

I started the dairy free diet this week. It’s going okay so far, just a lot of meat and vegetables. I feel like I cook vegetables about every 2 days.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I slept on the couch with Briar on my chest. Nothing else is working. I don’t get much sleep, but it’s better than nothing. She completely said FUCK your bed and FUCK the rock n play. A couple of nights she was awake for several hours at a time. I was finally reaching my desperate stage. I was feeling so anxious and overwhelmed. I just needed sleep. I was thinking not so great thoughts. **Disclaimer, no babies were harmed** But, all I really wanted to do was swing her by her feet into the wall. Obviously that solved nothing because then she would just more more awake and cry a lot more, but I was over it. Badly over it. Thursday, I finally got four whole hours of sleep, thanks to Scott. I climbed in bed with Scott around 3am and he cuddled up with me and I just started crying. I missed him and us and sleep and just being normal. I know this newborn stage doesn’t last long, but I am just over it.

This week, we also somewhat successfully got her to take a pacifier. We have been trying for about 2 weeks now with no luck, but she finally took one. And now it’s hit or miss. Sometimes it works for her and sometimes it doesn’t. Why am I not surprised.

It’s now the weekend and I am preparing to go back to work. I am starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with everything I have to do. I need to make sure I have enough food for the week, I need to remember my pump, I need to remember my computer, I need clothes that fit; which let’s be honest, isn’t happening, is Briar going to follow the schedule that we started? What if she doesn’t? OMG no sleep and now I have to go back to work.

BUT, I also get to start the gym again which I am super excited about. I need the gym so badly. I do need work also. I need adult interaction and I need to something to get my mind off my kids all day long. I need to feel useful. Work does all that for me. I am only starting back part time. I will be there a full day Monday, a half day Wednesday, and a half day.

Here are some pictures from the first 6 weeks. She looks so sweet and innocent because all she is doing is sleeping….

So that pretty much sums up the first 6 weeks. Pray for us, y’all. This momma needs sleep…..

 

–The Kentucky Momma

 

Week 37

I’m having a very emotional time right now. It’s a combination of lack of sleep and potential back labor. Week 37 is not officially complete yet, but I felt compelled to write, so here I am.

I’m going through the reoccurring thoughts of Raelynn no longer being an only child. It’s hard. Every time I look at her this week I think to myself that any day now, she’s not going to be the baby anymore. She’s going to be the big sister. And I’m going to have a new baby. How am I ever going to love another child as much as I love Raelynn? How am I ever going to find the time to dedicate myself equally to two children. I’m not, and I know that. And that’s scary to me. I don’t ever want Raelynn to feel left out or that Briar is better than her because she is the new baby. I know I’m not the only mother in the world that has ever felt these thoughts about bringing a second child into the world, but it sucks. The thoughts and feelings that I’m having suck.

I’m also 10000% petrified of labor. Even though I have been through it before, I guess, because I know what to expect, I’m absolutely dreading it. I know in the end, I will get to meet Briar, but the whole labor process absolutely scares the shit out of me. So much can go wrong; but so much can go right. It can take literally forever, or it can take literally 5 minutes. As it gets closer, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night literally freaking out about it.

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I have still been waking up pretty consistently from 2:00 a.m. – 4:00 a.m. about every other night. It’s exhausting because then I’m essentially useless the next day. And the last thing I need to be right now is useless. I still have so much crap to do at home.

Early this morning, 1/19, I woke up at my normal time. Normal time = 2:00 a.m.; I got up to pee, I laid back down, only to find myself wide awake. As normal… All this week, I have had very inconsistent contractions in the middle of the night. They are ranging from my stomach, lower abdomen, and lower back. It is by no means terrible, but definitely there. It seems to be the only time that I am having them is in the middle of the night when I’m laying down. But today, they continued after I woke up. Particularly in my lower back. I didn’t have back labor with Raelynn so I have no idea what it feels like. My one friend that has been a good support system for me about trying to go all natural again had back labor so I texted her this morning asking about it. Basically what I described to her was a dull pain in my back that wasn’t going away. Again, not terrible, but not going away. She agreed that was what her back labor felt like. She said it lasted until transition for her. That was pretty scary for me. I can’t explain it, but it just was. I told Scott all of this, and his main concern was how am I going to know when to go to the hospital if my water didn’t break? I told him that I would just know. For him, it was much easier to comprehend whenever my water broke, we knew it was just time to go.

So, with the lack of sleep and then this back pain, I’m just out of sorts today. You know, being awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night is not ideal and my brain just runs over and over and over.

In other 37 week news…

This past Saturday, we had a diaper party and acquired SO MANY diapers. Seriously, I highly recommend having one of these.

Saturday we also stocked up on grocery’s. I am hoping that it was our last trip before Briar. We stocked up on everything from toiletries, paper products, dog food, people food, etc. I used this blog as a guide. I didn’t use everything on this list, but it was certainly a good guide. Pre Stock Up before Baby I used the same list with Raelynn too.

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Sunday, Scott got all closets together. Thank goodness! He had started on Briar’s last week and made huge progress, but it wasn’t finished until this week. The hall closet is now finished as well. I sewed another crib sheet as a back up. It was very useful for us to have two with Raelynn so I wanted to have two with Briar. Scott also got almost all of the baby stuff down from the garage, now it was just up to me to go through everything and get it together.

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So…all in all, we had a VERY productive weekend. I was very happy with the progress we made.

This past weekend, we also had Raelynn in only actual cotton panties with the exception of her nap and night time and she had no accidents. She has been doing so good with even pooping on the potty. We are ecstatic. I had proposed to her daycare that we switch her to panties only at daycare and then I retracted my statement because she is still on her antibiotic from last week and it’s causing major pooping issues. Not really issues, just pooping a lot. So we decided to wait until next week when the antibiotic is out of her system. So, hopefully we have a good follow up report next week!

In other pregnancy news, I am still not sleeping well, as stated above. And, something new, I am swelling. My legs, ankles, and feet are swelling. I didn’t do this with Raelynn. I happened to look down at work one day this week and thought, oh shit, my ankles are definitely swollen.

I had an OB appointment on Wednesday and everything was fine. I was 1 cm dilated and barely effaced. Lately, after I get checked, I have been feeling pretty crampy and just plain shitty. Same story yesterday. After my appointment I had a couple of errands that I needed to run and I just wasn’t feeling it.

It’s just been a weird week.

CrossFit this week…

Only once…

Tuesday, January 17

Strength – I was having a lot of pelvic pressure today, so I just did push jerks instead of split jerks – worked up to 100#, surprisingly.

Split Jerk
(pause 2 secs in receiving position of split)
5×2 @ 50%, 60%, 70%

MetCon – I did not do a partner workout – I turned this into a 15 EMOM. 10 push presses and 5 squats. I worked for about 20-30 seconds and I was able to rest 30-40 seconds. It was a good workout. I needed it.
Partners
15min AMRAP
Partner1: 10 push press #75/55
Partner2: Burpees
*push press cannot start until other partner is doing burpees

Until next week…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

 

Week 35

5 WEEKS LEFT….

I know I keep saying it, but seriously, I blink and a week is gone.

Well, we started our New Year off with a bang. I have hemorrhoids so bad that it hurts to do anything and Raelynn is pretty sick.

On New Year’s eve, the Kentucky Wildcats played in a bowl game pretty early. We went to a local restaurant and they were actually serving a breakfast buffet. Raelynn and I stayed until about noon and then we came home so she could nap. She was acting okay at the restaurant, but just kinda out of it. Scott decided to go to a friends house that night, which I was totally okay with, but I was not in the mood to do anything. Mainly because my butt was hurting so bad. So, Raelynn and I stayed home. She still was kind of out of it all day, but wasn’t necessarily acting like anything was bothering her. I changed her into her jammies around 7:30 and she felt hot. I didn’t even have to take her temperature, I just knew. When bedtime came around, she was more than ready. My thoughts and wants were to clean, but I literally couldn’t. I knew in order for these hemorrhoids to go away, I need to sit down and prop my feet up. So I did. And I brought in the new year watching Magic Mike XXL. So, it was just me and Channing Tatum 🙂 I’ll take it.

The next day, Raelynn was feeling terrible. Her temperature never got below 101 and the highest it got was 103. She’s never had a fever of 103 before so it really made me nervous. It made me even more nervous because she was complaining of her neck and head hurting. Those aren’t things that a child of her age complains about. Luckily, all she wanted to do was hang out on the couch and watch cartoons all day, so that made me happy because I still had hemorrhoids the size of my head. And I know it made Scott happy because he was hung over. I just wished I could have been semi productive on my last long weekend before I went back to work.

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I was off work on Monday and Raelynn was still sick. I honestly wasn’t sure that she had ever run a fever this long before. I called the doctor as soon as it opened and got her an appointment scheduled.  She still had a low grade fever, but nothing like yesterday. The doctor checked EVERYTHING. The only thing he found wrong was her lymph nodes in her neck and throat were a little swollen which could indicate a virus or something and it could be the reason she was saying her neck and head was hurting. But, he wasn’t convinced anything was wrong. I even made sure he checked her ears again because I just knew she was going to have an ear infection or something. He said her ears were clean. You could tell she felt better overall anyways, especially because she wasn’t running a high fever. So, overall, I was happy.

Tuesday…was a very terrible day. Very terrible. Raelynn had a fever, yet again, which meant she couldn’t’ go to daycare, so we were hustling to try and find someone to watch her. Scott and I were both so busy at work, it just honestly wasn’t in the cards for either of us to be at home. My mother in law ended up being able to watch her. I can’t explain it, but just having to leave her when she is sick makes me so sad. I’m sure a lot of mothers feel the same way as I do. I just thought about Raelynn all day which made work terrible. I was so busy from year end tasks and I was having some issues understanding something; I eventually just had a breakdown. I was so overwhelmed, yet again. It just always happens at the damnedest times. I needed to be able to focus and get shit done and getting shit done was the last thing I was going to accomplish. I text Scott and told him I needed to talk. As soon as he called me I lost it. Literally blubbering ass crying about everything. Being sad about not being with Raelynn, being overwhelmed at work, STILL not having Briar’s room done, how was I going to train this new person with all of this shit I still had to get done….the list goes on. I’m telling you, when it hits me, it hits me good. I tried to gather myself for a somewhat productive day and I was able to salvage some of the day. I was so anxious to get home and see Raelynn and I’ll tell you what, she was little shit all night. I told her I was so excited to come home and see her and she told me to go back to work. All that worrying for an ungrateful 2 year old. LOL

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Wednesday was a better day. I was bound and determined to get shit off my to do list. BUTTT, Raelynn was still freaking sick. She immediately woke up saying her head hurt, but she didn’t have a fever. Again, Scott and I had to be at work, so I ended up asking if my mother in law could watch her again. I just didn’t want to work a half day and then have to leave because Raelynn was running a fever again. My mother in law text me and said she was much better today because she was playing more and eating more. So that made me happy. Today was also my birthday. It was the first birthday that I honestly could have given 2 shits about. I remember always taking off for my birthday and being so excited for it. Now it’s just a reminder that I’m getting older. And I couldn’t even drink. So it was fucking stupid.

Thursday was a big day. My counterpart from France arrived. I wasn’t all the way ready for her to be here because I still had a lot of stuff that I needed to get done, but I also needed as much time with her as possible so I could get her trained. Raelynn wasn’t sick today! She had no fever and hadn’t had one since Tuesday, so she went to daycare. She was happy to see everyone. I also had my first weekly OB appointment. I only worked a half day and then I went to the doctor. Everything was good at the appointment. I had my group B strep test. I warned the doctor not to judge me or my hemorrhoids. She just laughed and said she had seen worse, which I’m sure was 100% true. I was no dilated or effaced at all. And I was actually pretty happy about that. I am physically ready for Briar to be here, but not mentally and emotionally. We still have too much shit to do. My next appointment is only 5 days from now, next Tuesday. Oh, and can we talk about a fucking 10 pound weight gain in 2 weeks….yea, that wasn’t cool. So I’ve now gained 37 pounds with 5 weeks to go. FUCKING AWESOME….

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I just feel like I need to talk about this terrible hemorrhoids some more. I was still continuing the treatment I mentioned last week, but I was in desperate need for something else. I was using a Kroger brand of the topical treatment to reduce swelling and pain, but I had read somewhere that I needed to invest in the MAX STRENGTH Preparation H. And, let me tell you, it made a world of difference. It took about 2 days and I was a new person. I’m back to wanting a natural birth again! LOL They are still there, but I’m in much better shape these days. By Friday, they felt much, much better.

CrossFit this week…only twice

Tuesday, January 3 – I basically did none of this…nothing felt good. I did KB snatches instead of power snatches, and then I rowed for 15 minutes instead of doing the workout. I just wasn’t feeling it today.

Strength

Snatch
5@50%, 4@60%, 3@70%, 5×3@80%

MetCon
50-40-30
KB Fr.Rack walking lunges
KB weighted situps
DUs
#44/25

Wednesday, January 4

Strength

OHS – I was concerned that I wasn’t going to be able to do these because of my butt issues, but they felt okay. I worked up to 75# which I thought was pretty good.
3×4 heavier than last week
Snatch grip Push Press
5×5 @ (at least) 75% snatch

MetCon – this wasn’t terrible. I have realized that I can barely step up even onto a box anymore because my belly is in the way. That was interesting.
10 mins AMRAP
16 Single arm KB OH Step ups #35/18 – modified to plain step ups
16 burpees – still doing my step out into a pushup position and then jumping up for a burpee
16 Pull ups – ring rows

Until next week…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

 

Week 31

9 WEEKS LEFT….

I had an OB appointment this week. I was very excited to go and see what they had to say about Briar’s position. Over the prior weekend, I had felt better, and I even felt her in my ribs a little bit, but I tend to overthink and make my mind think things that don’t really happen, so I tried to not get too excited. But, I kept thinking to myself that I really thought she had turned.

The OB confirmed it, she really had turned. I couldn’t believe it. Although I can’t say for sure, I really and truly think that it was due to me doing the handstands. It was the only thing I had changed. I had read all of these horror stories about feeling your baby turn and you will never forget that moment because it was so painful. I had a friend who’s baby had been breech and she successfully turned her. She said she didn’t feel her baby turn, so I was hoping that would happen for me. And it did. So that made me happy. Now, I just hoped she would stay this way.

Besides that, everything else was good. These doctor appointments are quick. They check the heartbeat, the feel around, and then you are on your way. I was happy everything was okay.

In the midst of all the happiness, there was also some sadness. December 7th was the one year anniversary of the loss of the third baby. One year ago was really terrible. We were in the middle of selling our house; technically the house was sold and we were getting ready to move out. We were moving in with Scott’s parents. I had the miscarriage at work. The day I had the miscarriage, we had internal auditors there and I had to leave to go to the ER. Then, I was in work the next day and didn’t skip a beat. I did not deal with the loss of that baby until months later. I didn’t tell hardly anyone when it actually happened. There was just a lot going on in life. I say one year ago was terrible, and it was, but we were going through huge changes. The majority were positive, but then there was this huge negative of losing yet another baby. My consuming thought this time was the thought of not being able to give Raelynn a sibling. It literally broke my heart. We wanted another baby and we wanted them to be close in age. That was always our plan. And now, our plan was going to shit. It sucked. Really bad.

Fast forward to the current year…here we are…expecting Raelynn’s little sister and she appears to be a healthy little baby. Just like that, our prayers had been answered. The Lord truly does work in strange ways. I don’t question. I just accept and reflect.

This didn’t happen this week, but I forgot to mention it in the week that it actually happened. So, I hate Christmas. I’ve always hated Christmas. I have divorced parents and divorced grandparents so it’s a constant battle to allocate enough time with everyone and make everyone happy. I swore whenever I had kids that I was not going to do all of this traveling from house to house and spend 2 hours here and 2 hours there. Since Raelynn, we have definitely moved things around, and it’s better, but it’s still not ideal. My ideal Christmas day is not leaving my house all day long. One day, maybe when I’m old at 104 years old that will happen, but it will happen.

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Anyways…we haven’t decorated for Christmas in 3 years. The first year we didn’t, I was dealing with the loss of the twins, the second year we didn’t, I was dealing with the emotions of postpartum depression and Raelynn’s colic, the third year, last year, we lived with Scott’s parents and they decorated, but it just wasn’t the same. So, I told Scott this year if we were really going to decorate, then we were going to get a whole new tree and make it pretty and matchy and if we were going to decorate outside, we were going to make it pretty, and if we were going to decorate inside, we were going to make it pretty. No half ass shit. So, a couple of weeks ago, we went and bought all new decorations. I was hoping it was going to get me in the Christmas spirit this year. My main goal is to not pass my hatred of Christmas onto my kids. Christmas is such an amazing holiday and I want them to enjoy it. I wanted to start traditions with Raelynn that she could carry onto her kids. I wanted to watch Christmas movies and enjoy being cuddled up on the couch with my family. The fact that I WANTED to do these things was a glimmer of hope for me. I was hoping this was the year that I was really, truly going to enjoy Christmas.

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Working out is getting progressively harder. I have pretty much cut back to 3 times a week, and I’m okay with that. At least I’m moving. CrossFit this week:

Monday December 5th

Strength – these actually felt really good. I only used 55#, but this is also a lift that I’m not comfortable with. My form just felt really good overall.

3 position snatch:
power position+mid knee+mid shin
3x(1+1+1) @ 30%, 40%, and 50%

MetCon
3 rds for time:
3 Chest 2 Bars – modified to ring rows
3 Ring Dips – modified using bands
6 HSPU – modified to push ups
9 burpee box jumps 24/20″ – modified to step ups

Wednesday, December 7th

Strength – These actually felt really good too. I only used 65#, but again, my form felt great.

3 position clean:
Power position+ mid knee+mid shin
3x(1+1+1) @ 30%,40%,50%

MetCon
12-9-3:
Deadlifts #205/145 – only used 135# and they felt rough on the lower back
T2B – modified to knees to elbows. I really fucking hate knees to elbows. I really it’s still working my core, but I feel like a monkey swinging from the rig, working around my big belly.

Friday, December 9th

Strength

Split jerk – we have not worked on these in a while so they felt really shaky. I worked up to 85# and then stopped. Form was bad.
(2 second pause in receiving position)
5@ 50%, 60%, 70%

MetCon – so, I looked at this WOD before and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it without hurting something. But, I had felt really good all week, so I wanted to get in the gym. I ended up being the only one in class. My coach agreed that this workout probably wasn’t the best thing. He suggested low impact, rowing intervals. I rowed for 30 seconds, took a break for 30 seconds, for 10 minutes. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but it definitely got my blood flowing. It days like these that I’m thankful to have a coach to help me and make suggestions.

12 min AMRAP
8 single arm ring row (each arm)
10 med ball burpee
12 medball situps
14 wallballs
#14/10

Until next week…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

 

 

 

Week 30

I’m not really sure where this pregnancy has gone. I’m already down to 10 weeks left. I honestly can’t believe it. The days and weeks just seem to literally fly by.

With that said, I had a pretty monumental emotional breakdown on Wednesday of this week. I hadn’t really talked about it much, but Raelynn has been having some pretty monumental meltdowns in the morning. She just doesn’t want to get up, and then she doesn’t want to go to the potty, and then she doesn’t want to put her clothes on. One day this week, she wanted to go to Wal-Mart instead of daycare. That was pretty interesting. We got to daycare and she was extremely pissed that we weren’t at Walmart.

Wednesday, was just kinda the cherry on top of all of the meltdowns. She instantly started crying when I woke her up. Normally I can somewhat calm her down to a point of being able to at least talk to me, but not today. There was no letting up. She almost started to make herself get sick from crying so hard. At the very least, I know she will calm down when we get in the car, and today just wasn’t that day. She cried almost the whole way to daycare. It just really, really got under my skin. I hate that I couldn’t calm her down. It really took me back to the colic days. It was a flashback that I did not like. I drove the whole way to work with the music off, just lost in my thoughts. The longer I drove, the more I thought.

I thought about Briar being here in 10 weeks. I wondered if Raelynn was acting like this as a test for the new baby. Would this new baby have colic? Would I be able to deal with it better than I did with Raelynn? …then my mind completely went to work… I had so much to do at work before I left. Was there anyway that I was really going to get it done? Was I going to have everything ready by the time my replacement came? …then my mind shifted to oh my god, is being off work for 12 weeks a good idea? Can we really financially swing that? Really, no….we can’t. So then I started to stress the fuck out about money. …then…the icing on the cake and that’s when I feel like it all made sense…I got on my timehop and realized that one year ago on November 30th, I found out I was pregnant for the third time, only to lose this one a few short weeks later. I completely lost it. I tried to calm down because I was already at work, but it wasn’t happening. I finally calmed down enough to call Scott and talk to him. I told him I needed like 10 minutes of his time to just help me rationalize. That was what I needed. I told him about everything from Raelynn that morning to all of my dumb, stupid thoughts. It was simply just an overwhelming day. Also, I still hadn’t been to the gym yet. It was only 9 days off, but that was really unusual for me. I knew I needed it. I didn’t even really have a good reason to not go on Monday or Tuesday. I just let other things get in the way. Not today. I was going no matter what.

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So, I normally talk about the gym at the end, but I want everyone to follow this hellacious day of mine.

I have not done handstands since about week 8 of pregnancy. We did hand stand holds then and I was already completely off balance and even though I was pretty good at them, I just decided that this was something I could do without. The main concern when doing hand stand holds, or hand stands in general, is that you are going to fall. Overall, they pose no threat to the baby or you. Today, I decided that I was going to do them with the assistance of my coach. I mainly wanted to do them to help Briar turn. I had read that inversions can help. I know I had previously said that I wasn’t going to worry about trying to turn her, but it was becoming increasingly more uncomfortable. I figured this was the perfect opportunity. I was really nervous to try. I wasn’t nervous that I was going to fall. I was nervous that I was going to do something internally to hurt Briar. What if she was transverse for a reason? What if there was something blocking her from turning?  What if these handstands put her in a compromising position?

OMG. I know. It’s so dumb to continually have all of these thoughts. Can’t help it. So I finally sucked it up and did it. And it felt pretty amazing on my vagina. All of the pressure was gone while I was upside down. I just wanted to stay like that forever. I was so glad that I did them.

THEN….after that, we had a 40 minute ROMWOD.

THEN…the WOD was optional. Given the day that I had, I knew I needed to sweat so I was doing the WOD. Another guy ended up doing it with me. I was able to do this WOD RX. Which made me even happier.

Wednesday, November 30

Strength

Hand Stand Holds
8min
:20 ON
:40 OFF
ROMWOD

Chi
Cherry

I think we need a day of stretching and recovery but if you absolutely must have a metcon
3RFT
500m Row
20 Thrusters w/bar

THEN…it all went back down hill. I had some pelvic pressure after the workout, but that wasn’t unusual. The longer I sat still at work, the worse it got. I was in for real tears at one point because I could not even sit without it hurting, I couldn’t stand up, I couldn’t walk. It all hurt. I was so mad at myself. I swore I would never put myself in this position again after I aggravated my sciatic nerve doing squats. But, here I was, in some pretty unbearable pain. I even ended up calling the OB because it was so bad. From everything I had described to them, they told me I had probably separated my pelvic bone. Cool. I was so over all of this pain shit.

So, I guess you could say that with the exception of the handstands being a success, Wednesday sucked ass.

However, it got better. Friday I had a therapy appointment and  we had our annual girls Christmas.

Therapy was good and obviously came at a perfect time. There was nothing super monumental, it just felt good to talk about the past week.

The annual Christmas party has evolved from us drinking margaritas at a local mexican restaurant and exchanging gifts to a fun filled night with all of our children 🙂 Wine was involved, but not for me :/ soon enough….I will have my glass!

It is just so fun to watch the kids together. They play, they fight, they makeup. It’s like a big group of brothers and sisters. I can’t even imagine what our group will look like in a couple of years. We are growing at a very rapid rate. Everyone is going to need to get bigger houses so we can all fit!! LOL

So far next year we are adding on 2 girls and 1 more boy to this group 🙂

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CrossFit the rest of the week…

Thursday, December 1st

Strength – Even though I was hurt…I still wanted to go to the gym and just move. I had to be smart though. Squats were obviously not smart at this time. I asked my coach if I could just do handstands again since it felt good. He said yes, and he would help me. So, we attempted to do the same thing as yesterday, except it felt horrible. Swinging my leg and kicking myself up to the wall was pretty much unbearable pain. So, I used a 24″ box and did half ass inversions. Whatever.

Back Squat Bottom EMOM w/bar
10min
:30 ON
:30 OFF

MetCon – score was 116 reps

3min – Push Press w/bar
2min – Rest
3min – Toes 2 Bar – modified to knees to elbows
2min – Rest
3min – Double Unders – rowed for calories instead of even doing singles since I was hurting.

Only two days this week. I was just not feeling it. I was hurting. I didn’t want to kill myself.

That’s all I got for this week…

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma