As I’ve said many times in 2018, this year has been really tough on me, personally. I’m trying really hard to work through it, but I just feel like I always get knocked down. Throughout all of my personal issues, it’s also been tough on my marriage. Honestly, it’s not just this year that has been hard, but the past couple of years. And when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, I can totally understand how people get divorced at this stage of their marriage. For the record, Scott and I are not getting divorced, but I’m just saying, I get it how easily it can happen. I’ll explain.
This is 100% my opinion, but marriage is really hard. And just when you think you have everything figured out and it’s smooth sailing, something else happens. Scott and I have been together as a couple for 15 years. Literally half of my life. We have went through many stages of life together. Some of it has been perfect and others, not so much. We started dating when I was a freshman in high school and he was a senior. There isn’t much to say about this period in life except it’s fun. You can’t really do anything, you spend a lot of money on going to the movies and going out to eat. But, in reality, you don’t REALLY know each other. We dated for 5 years before we moved in together. That’s when you learn all the quirks about each others personality. Scott breathes really loud and snores when he sleeps and I hate it. He hates when I don’t wash the sink out after I’ve brushed my teeth. We lived together for 5 years before we got married. Nothing really changed when we got married. It was still just “us”, as it had been for the past 5 years. At this point we thought we knew everything about one another.
Then, we had Raelynn. And I think both of world’s were rocked. Again, totally my opinion, but there is nothing that prepares you for that first baby. You can read all the books and take all the classes, but, really, nothing prepares you. Obviously, I had a hard time with Raelynn in the beginning, but even if she was the perfect baby, I think it would have still be complicated. Scott and I essentially were giving up 10 years of “us” and we had to figure out how to be a family of 3. It wasn’t easy at all. As I’m sure everyone is aware, this is when I started to suffer from post partum depression and severe anxiety. I think I have probably always had a form of anxiety, but nothing to the extent that I have it now. I was not prepared for the mental and emotional change that I was experiencing and Scott wasn’t either. I changed. And I didn’t like it. And I know he didn’t either. And I’ve not been “normal” since then. When I started to get help through therapy and CrossFit, it definitely got better, but never back to “normal”. I think it’s safe to say that I suffered from post partum depression for 1 entire year after I had Raelynn. That’s a really long time. Now imagine, trying to be a “couple” during this.
We really started to hit some major bumps in the road when I was pregnant with Briar. Raelynn started to become a little more self-sufficient, and Scott took advantage of this and was going out a lot. And I was sitting at home with Raelynn. It’s not all his fault. I allowed it to happen. But there was a point that I made him question if he wanted to live a life with me or at the bars, because the way our life was going, was not what I wanted. I was jealous, and envious of his life style. I was making the majority of the sacrifices while he still lived his life. His life at that time did not include me because pregnant Keisha did not fit in at the bar. He was getting a glimpse of his old life, while I was growing a new life. If I’m being 100% honest, I don’t think we have every fully recovered from this.
After Briar was born, we tried to figure out how to be a family of 4 and it was extremely harder than I anticipated. As you can imagine, Briar was attached to me in every way possible. And Raelynn grew fonder of Scott. I had a hard time dealing with that. Briar wanted NOTHING to do with Scott for the first year of her life. Scott had a hard time dealing with that. I had a very restricted diet of no dairy while breastfeeding Briar because she had a sensitivity to dairy. I did not want to go out to eat anywhere because I was scared I would accidentally ingest dairy because people do not take allergies seriously.
So, where does that leave Scott and I? As a couple, in the past 2 years, I would say we maybe had 5 date nights. We have only had 2 date nights since Briar was born. In the past 4 years, our marriage has faced a lot of change. In particular, I have changed a lot. And it’s not by choice. For me, being a mom has changed me. I know it’s not all about “us” anymore. We have 2 beautiful lives to take care of. But, we don’t make enough time for “us” at all. 5 date nights…in 2 years….Since kids, we have really, really struggled with this.
I think our biggest challenge right now is that I need more from him, because I’ve changed. Because of what I’ve been through with the miscarriages, and probably not having any more kids, I’ve changed. I don’t know why. I wish I was normal, but I’m not. I need more from my husband, because for the past 3 years it’s been all about other people, our kids. And I get that it’s supposed to be about our kids, but our marriage is really challenging right now, because I need more from him. It’s just hard right now. There is no other way to put it.
I’ve always joked because I’m super low maintenance. I don’t wear make up unless it’s a special occasion, I don’t get dressed up, I don’t need to be coddled, or kissed, or talk to you 24/7; like, take me to Rooster’s or Hooter’s, order me some wings and pitcher of beer and I’m good. I’ve been the same way in our relationship for 15 years.
And now, after 15 years, I need more. I want to be coddled and kissed. And I want to be paid more attention to. I don’t want to feel like roommates, because sometimes, that’s how I feel. We have gotten ourselves into such a bad routine of not paying attention to each other. We don’t go out or do anything as a couple. The last time we did, we literally sat at the bar and drank some beer and barely said anything to one another. I don’t even know who we are anymore. When did we get to the point that we have nothing to talk about when we are alone?
Scott has remained the exact same way for 15 years, and I have finally changed after 15 years. So, yea, I get why people get divorced. If you are not willing to accept the change or compromise, I get it. If you are not willing to make time for one another, divorce will inevitably happen. Marriage is hard. Change is hard. Adapting to what another person needs is hard, especially when they have been the same way for 15 years. I think that many people do not expect to change or do not expect major life events to change them. I thought that. Never in a million years did I think I would be the person I am today. But, here I am, trying to figure out who I am and what I need. Maybe having a midlife crisis in the midst of everything.
It’s complicated. I’m complicated. Scott is not complicated. We aren’t in a bad place at all, but we are not in the best place that we could be. I don’t know that anyone is in the best place they could be in their marriage, but I’d like to strive towards that. I know that every marriage has its ups and downs, and an actual perfect marriage is probably non-existent, but I think we would both like to get to a place where we can actually go to bar alone and have drinks and have an actual conversation. That’s my idea of a perfect marriage 🙂
I do know that Scott is my one and only. I do not ever want to be with anyone else. He has truly been with me in the worst of times and in the best of times. He has witnessed me at rock bottom, and even at the lowest point in my life, he didn’t give up on me. I know this is just a rather long bump in the road for our marriage, but I would like to think that we will pull through this and be stronger than ever.
I hope divorce is never in our vocabulary.
Until next time…
–The Kentucky Momma