I Understand Why Divorce Happens…

As I’ve said many times in 2018, this year has been really tough on me, personally. I’m trying really hard to work through it, but I just feel like I always get knocked down. Throughout all of my personal issues, it’s also been tough on my marriage. Honestly, it’s not just this year that has been hard, but the past couple of years. And when I take a step back and look at the bigger picture, I can totally understand how people get divorced at this stage of their marriage. For the record, Scott and I are not getting divorced, but I’m just saying, I get it how easily it can happen. I’ll explain.

This is 100% my opinion, but marriage is really hard. And just when you think you have everything figured out and it’s smooth sailing, something else happens. Scott and I have been together as a couple for 15 years. Literally half of my life. We have went through many stages of life together. Some of it has been perfect and others, not so much. We started dating when I was a freshman in high school and he was a senior. There isn’t much to say about this period in life except it’s fun. You can’t really do anything, you spend a lot of money on going to the movies and going out to eat. But, in reality, you don’t REALLY know each other. We dated for 5 years before we moved in together. That’s when you learn all the quirks about each others personality. Scott breathes really loud and snores when he sleeps and I hate it. He hates when I don’t wash the sink out after I’ve brushed my teeth. We lived together for 5 years before we got married. Nothing really changed when we got married. It was still just “us”, as it had been for the past 5 years. At this point we thought we knew everything about one another.

Then, we had Raelynn. And I think both of world’s were rocked. Again, totally my opinion, but there is nothing that prepares you for that first baby. You can read all the books and take all the classes, but, really, nothing prepares you. Obviously, I had a hard time with Raelynn in the beginning, but even if she was the perfect baby, I think it would have still be complicated. Scott and I essentially were giving up 10 years of “us” and we had to figure out how to be a family of 3. It wasn’t easy at all. As I’m sure everyone is aware, this is when I started to suffer from post partum depression and severe anxiety. I think I have probably always had a form of anxiety, but nothing to the extent that I have it now. I was not prepared for the mental and emotional change that I was experiencing and Scott wasn’t either. I changed. And I didn’t like it. And I know he didn’t either. And I’ve not been “normal” since then. When I started to get help through therapy and CrossFit, it definitely got better, but never back to “normal”. I think it’s safe to say that I suffered from post partum depression for 1 entire year after I had Raelynn. That’s a really long time. Now imagine, trying to be a “couple” during this.

We really started to hit some major bumps in the road when I was pregnant with Briar. Raelynn started to become a little more self-sufficient, and Scott took advantage of this and was going out a lot. And I was sitting at home with Raelynn. It’s not all his fault. I allowed it to happen. But there was a point that I made him question if he wanted to live a life with me or at the bars, because the way our life was going, was not what I wanted. I was jealous, and envious of his life style. I was making the majority of the sacrifices while he still lived his life. His life at that time did not include me because pregnant Keisha did not fit in at the bar. He was getting a glimpse of his old life, while I was growing a new life. If I’m being 100% honest, I don’t think we have every fully recovered from this.

After Briar was born, we tried to figure out how to be a family of 4 and it was extremely harder than I anticipated. As you can imagine, Briar was attached to me in every way possible. And Raelynn grew fonder of Scott. I had a hard time dealing with that. Briar wanted NOTHING to do with Scott for the first year of her life. Scott had a hard time dealing with that. I had a very restricted diet of no dairy while breastfeeding Briar because she had a sensitivity to dairy. I did not want to go out to eat anywhere because I was scared I would accidentally ingest dairy because people do not take allergies seriously.

So, where does that leave Scott and I? As a couple, in the past 2 years, I would say we maybe had 5 date nights. We have only had 2 date nights since Briar was born. In the past 4 years, our marriage has faced a lot of change. In particular, I have changed a lot. And it’s not by choice. For me, being a mom has changed me. I know it’s not all about “us” anymore. We have 2 beautiful lives to take care of. But, we don’t make enough time for “us” at all. 5 date nights…in 2 years….Since kids, we have really, really struggled with this.

I think our biggest challenge right now is that I need more from him, because I’ve changed. Because of what I’ve been through with the miscarriages, and probably not having any more kids, I’ve changed. I don’t know why. I wish I was normal, but I’m not. I need more from my husband, because for the past 3 years it’s been all about other people, our kids. And I get that it’s supposed to be about our kids, but our marriage is really challenging right now, because I need more from him. It’s just hard right now. There is no other way to put it.

I’ve always joked because I’m super low maintenance. I don’t wear make up unless it’s a special occasion, I don’t get dressed up, I don’t need to be coddled, or kissed, or talk to you 24/7; like, take me to Rooster’s or Hooter’s, order me some wings and pitcher of beer and I’m good. I’ve been the same way in our relationship for 15 years.

And now, after 15 years, I need more. I want to be coddled and kissed. And I want to be paid more attention to. I don’t want to feel like roommates, because sometimes, that’s how I feel. We have gotten ourselves into such a bad routine of not paying attention to each other. We don’t go out or do anything as a couple. The last time we did, we literally sat at the bar and drank some beer and barely said anything to one another. I don’t even know who we are anymore. When did we get to the point that we have nothing to talk about when we are alone?

Scott has remained the exact same way for 15 years, and I have finally changed after 15 years. So, yea, I get why people get divorced. If you are not willing to accept the change or compromise, I get it. If you are not willing to make time for one another, divorce will inevitably happen. Marriage is hard. Change is hard. Adapting to what another person needs is hard, especially when they have been the same way for 15 years. I think that many people do not expect to change or do not expect major life events to change them. I thought that. Never in a million years did I think I would be the person I am today. But, here I am, trying to figure out who I am and what I need. Maybe having a midlife crisis in the midst of everything.

It’s complicated. I’m complicated. Scott is not complicated. We aren’t in a bad place at all, but we are not in the best place that we could be. I don’t know that anyone is in the best place they could be in their marriage, but I’d like to strive towards that. I know that every marriage has its ups and downs, and an actual perfect marriage is probably non-existent, but I think we would both like to get to a place where we can actually go to bar alone and have drinks and have an actual conversation. That’s my idea of a perfect marriage 🙂

I do know that Scott is my one and only. I do not ever want to be with anyone else. He has truly been with me in the worst of times and in the best of times. He has witnessed me at rock bottom, and even at the lowest point in my life, he didn’t give up on me. I know this is just a rather long bump in the road for our marriage, but I would like to think that we will pull through this and be stronger than ever.

I hope divorce is never in our vocabulary.

Until next time…

–The Kentucky Momma

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For a very long time, CrossFit has been my sanity. It has been my anxiety and depression medicine. It has been my release from a stressful day at work. It’s been focusing on me for one hour out of my whole day. I could go on forever. It’s so much more than just a workout. Every CrossFit box that I’ve worked out at has the most amazing community. They are so inviting. No one tries to be better than you. Everyone tries to help you. A lot of time, people are helping you through things that they aren’t even aware of. I’m just so incredibly passionate about CrossFit. It’s my thing. I know it’s not everyone’s and that’s perfectly fine. I tried the Anytime Fitness route for about 10 years and I was never consistent. I would go for 3-6 months at a time and then I would just stop going. 10 years of this process….It truly pisses me off to think how much better shape I would have been in if I just would have joined CrossFit that long ago. And my mental state probably would have been a lot better as well. CrossFit just works for me and I’m just glad that I found that thing that works.

**As we sit here not making enough money to currently pay our monthly bills** I’ve been thinking…why couldn’t I open my own CrossFit gym? How possible or impossible would this be? I’ve had the thought in my mind for a while. I just know how much it helps me in more areas than physically; therefore, I would love to be able to help someone else out. I would want to open one close to where I live because there is currently not a CrossFit gym anywhere in a 20 minute radius.

In our current financial state, it’s pretty impossible. The initial investment if I were to rent a place would be $75k. This would include the equipment and a couple of months rent, and payroll. In a perfect world, I would love to have my own land and my own building. There is actually a perfect piece of land for sale now, and just for shits and giggles, I looked it up……6 acres for $2M….TWO MILLION DOLLARS. Like what in the actually fuck? Okay…bye to my dreams of owning a CrossFit gym…

In all honestly, renting a place out would be doable, but I think it would require a lot more work to get it to a CrossFit standard. And this project would not be for another 5-10 years. We aren’t talking quitting my job and trying to get this thing up and moving. We have to get our money right first before I can attempt to run another business. I fully plan on telling the financial adviser about this to see what his thoughts are. He will probably fire us.

So, I’m not sure if what I’m going through is a mid-life crisis or what, but I am just really unsure if I want to sit behind a desk all day. I have a great job now, with great benefits, it mostly pays the bills, I’m actually really good at what I do, but do I really want to do this forever? Like, really, really?? My initial answer is no, but I really don’t feel like I have a choice, like the rest of America. I’m sure that if anyone actually had an unlimited resource of money, their dream job would not be to sit at a desk all day. I really enjoyed running the bookkeeping business, but I was in way over my head. It was a great experience and I have zero regrets from start to finish of that business. I would love to own my own business again one day. CrossFit makes sense.

On top of my potential mid life crisis, Scott may or may not be experiencing one as well. Scott does not make the money that he should be making for a couple of different reasons. He has been a mechanic for the past 12 years. In the past 6-8 years he has specifically been an engine mechanic. Scott gets paid by the job, not hourly. So, if he has an engine job assigned to him and the book says this particular job pays 10 hours, he gets paid 10 hours no matter how long it takes him. If it took him 8 hours, he still gets paid 10 hours. If it takes him 14 hours, he still gets paid 10 hours. Some jobs can work to his advantage, but the majority of his engine jobs take exactly what the book says, or even more. He’s explained to me that sometimes the job gets held up because of parts or something like that and he can’t go on to something else because this car is holding up his rack and he doesn’t have another rack to use. The company he is currently at, he worked at for 7 years, then left for 1 1/2 years to go to another dealership, and now he is back and has been back for 1 1/2 years, maybe? And now he isn’t happy again. He has recently told me that he doesn’t want to turn wrenches for the rest of his life. So I asked him, what else do you want to do? He told me there is another position within the dealership that he wouldn’t mind taking. It’s called a service writer. Basically if you take your car in for work, it’s the person that greets you and writes up everything that you are having done to your car. He ended up telling his current boss this and he has been passed up twice for this position now. Now he is just really pissed and really unhappy.

Again, I asked him, what else would you want to do?

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**As we sit here not making enough money to currently pay our monthly bills** He tells me he wants to open a pizza joint where we live at. He watches Bar Rescue all the time so he thinks he knows all the tricks of the trade when it comes to running a restaurant/bar. He wants it to be like a sports bar. Like my idea of wanting it close to where we live, there is really no competition other than your regular pizza chains. His idea is pretty out there considering neither of us have any knowledge about this industry. He’s talked about it a lot, and while it may never happen, I hope it does. And I hope it’s successful. If I tell the financial adviser about this one, he will really fire us.

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Somewhere between self-help, financial struggles, anxiety, depression, life…..there is CrossFit and a Pizza Joint in our dreams. Maybe I will be able to buy the 6 acres of land for $2M and put them both on the same land!

Okay…no….

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Financial Struggles

On top of everything else going on in 2018, Scott and I have been facing some pretty severe financial issues. It’s one of those situations where everything kind of hits at once.

'All those years you struggled financially, I stood by you. It's my turn for a little piece of the pie.'

It started right after we had Briar in the beginning of 2017. We were definitely more mentally prepared to have Briar than we were financially. I took off work for 6 full weeks and it was paid at 100% of my salary. After the first 6 weeks, if I decided I wanted to take off more, it would be unpaid, or I could go back to work and get paid. I guess I took the best of both worlds and I went back part time for 6 weeks and was paid 60% of my salary and then at 12 weeks, I went back full time. Briar didn’t have to go to daycare until she was 12 weeks old. At that time, our daycare bill doubled, and also at that time I had my last and biggest student loan that I had to start paying on. It may not seem like a lot, but between the two of those, it was an additional $600/monthly that we just did not account for. At the time, we did have a savings account with a nice chunk of change in it. Every month when we needed the money, I would slowly transfer over month, until the next month we needed money again, and again… you get the picture. Then, one day at the end of 2017, we didn’t have any more money to transfer over. In every sense, it was one of those, “OH SHIT” moments. I didn’t know what we were going to do.

Several of Scott’s family member started seeing a financial adviser. I assumed this was going to be our way out so I scheduled a meeting with him. We needed help. Scott and I both were so tired of worrying about money. For me, it was very frustrating because I deal with money all day long, yet, here I am in the position of not being able to handle our own money. I felt so embarrassed. When we met with the financial adviser we had to provide a listing of our current expenses and monthly income. Quite literally, we did not and still do not make enough money to cover our monthly expenses. This is not a joke at all. This sucks a lot.

So, our number one goal for this year has been to cut expenses. So far this year we have cut $650 in monthly expenses. It’s actually been a pretty simple process. We changed our home and auto insurance and we are saving close to $100/monthly on that. We had been with the same insurance company for 10 years and we were just under the impression that we were getting the best rate. I encourage you to shop around because I can pretty much tell you that you aren’t getting the best rate. We got a really good tax return this year because we were able to claim 2 kids for the first time and we were able to claim a large portion of the daycare expense. With our tax return, we paid off our credit card, Scott’s car, a small dental bill that I had, and the down payment on our house. The credit card only had $2,000 on it and it was pretty much all from Christmas shopping. That saved $100/monthly. We saved $150/monthly by paying off Scott’s car, we saved $50/monthly paying off my dental bill, and we saved $100/monthly paying off our down payment assistance that we received on the house. A couple other savings that range month to month are we plan our grocery visits better and try to stay under $200/weekly. We try to limit our spending to a certain amount each week, which has been way better than before. Our weekly spending used to be out of control and I blame this majorly on Scott. He used to go out to eat all the time for lunch. Not so much anymore.

YET, WE STILL DON’T MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO COVER OUR MONTHLY EXPENSES. We are still $650/monthly in the hole. And this is not a joke. When we started this journey, it was just under $1300/monthly that we were short. I literally do not even know how we were making it. Still, I have a hard time understanding how we are making it now. Each month I still have to “play” around will the bills to figure out which I can pay at the very last minute. Yet, we never, ever pay bills late.

We are now in the process of refinancing our house to lower the payment and I am considering refinancing the truck. When we refinance the house, we will be able to skip 2 house payments, and if I’m calculating correctly, it will give me enough money to pay off another small debt which will either be medical bills, or a small student loan that I have. The only debt we have now is medical bills from having the kids, all of my student loans (3), the truck, and the house. But, the latter 3 are rather huge payments each month and that is what is killing us…

It’s definitely been an eye opening experience. The financial adviser assured me that we weren’t spending our money wrong. He saw almost a year’s worth of our bank statements. We weren’t incurring a huge amount of credit card debt, going on shopping sprees, or just plain spending money outrageously. We just simply had “too much” debt, but it was inevitable debt, essentially.. I wished we had gone to him before we decided to have kids; in all reality, maybe before we even moved out 10 years ago. We would be in a much better position right now and we wouldn’t have to be stressing about money now. But, I’m also glad that we are at least doing this now, instead of 20 years down the road. And we can share this knowledge with our kids in hopes that they will not ever have to be in our situation.

So, with all of that said, I will bring together my last two posts….“Self” Issues and this one…

…in my next post…

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

“Self” Issues

Since my reiki healing, I’ve started to have a lot of suppressed emotions surface. Jamie mentioned this could happen. In general, self esteem issues, self love issues, self worth issues, a lot of “self” issues. My whole life I have dealt with these issues. I’ve always been really hard on myself. If I don’t live up to my expectations that I have on myself I get really down on myself or I let whatever situation I’m currently living in, consume me.

I have to stop doing this. It relates directly to a lot of the guilt that I’m holding and burdening myself with. I am not perfect at all. Yet, I hold myself to perfection. I make mistakes everyday in my job, in my marriage, with my children, in my personal life, in my professional life. And in the moment, I feel as I am the only one that makes mistakes, when in reality EVERYONE makes mistakes and no one is perfect.

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There are so many items in my life right now that I am allowing to consume me and I really shouldn’t think twice about it:

  1. For the first time in a while, Scott and I went out this past weekend and we were gone all day long, we spent way too much money, and we had way too much fun. Queue the mom guilt. Leaving my kids all day, and then being really tired and useless the next day and letting all of the chores fall by the wayside while we recovered. We needed some time away. Yet, I feel guilty for it. Scott does not. I just need to be like Scott. We are going to be away from the kids all day Saturday and I’m already anxious about it.
  2. I constantly feel like my house is a disaster. I could clean all day long and it doesn’t matter. I feel like I get nothing accomplished. My kids closets are a disaster. They have clothes in there that do not fit them anymore, shoes that do not fit them, toys that they do not play with….the list is never ending. And it consumes me. It stresses me out so bad whenever I walk in a messy house.
  3. I am still having issues focusing at work. I read an article lately and it hit home. You Need to Practice being your Future Self. This person described in this article is almost exactly how I am at work. It’s made me question my career choice lately. I’m in a powerful position, but I don’t know that I want a desk job for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself that I’m in a rut and it will pass…at 30 years old, I am unsure if I know what I want to be when I grow up…

I’m just having a hard time balancing life right now and it sucks.

I have been trying so hard to make my life positive for 2018 and it’s just not happening. There are positive aspects to my life, I just feel like I cannot get my shit together. And a lot of the times, I feel like I’m the only person screwing up at life. Logical Keisha knows that I am not the only person screwing up at life, I’m just really hard on myself, but crazy Keisha thinks that she is the only mom, wife, professional that does not have her shit together.

That’s why the article mentioned above hit home so much. I live in a past and present state of mind. I do not think about my future self and my future life enough. I am tired of living my life this way. Constantly feeling like less of a person and constantly feeling overwhelmed.

All of this is stemming from one of my new year’s resolutions to be more positive. Starting TOMORROW 🙂 4/17, I am going to try and incorporate positive things and ways to be more productive in my life. Clearly, my current routine isn’t working. So something has to change. And I have to take the initiative to make that change.

  1. I really want to wake up earlier. If I give myself ample time to get my life together in the morning, I know it will help set up a more productive and positive day. Currently, I rush in the morning because I know exactly how late I can sleep in order to get to work on time and I push it until the very last second. I rush getting ready and it just makes for a stressful morning.
  2. I emailed Jamie, the person mentioned in my last post, in regards to how I can successfully meditate. I’ve never done this before, but I’d like to start doing this for a short amount of time in the morning. I wanted to ask Jamie, specifically, because she has been such a help for me. I know she will be able to help with this as well.
  3. Incorporate more positive affirmations into my life. If I ever feel down, I just want to be able to read something positive to uplift me.
  4. I want to read more. I love to read, but I never make enough time for it. I have a couple of self-help books that are just collecting dust at home.
  5. Carve out more time for just Scott and I. It’s 100% our fault, but we ALWAYS put our relationship last. We got out with friends every once in a while, but we NEVER go out, just us two. I’d like to start doing something monthly and it doesn’t have to be going out to eat, or whatever, it can be just hanging out, just us two.

I realize that I’m not going to be able to accomplish all 5 of these things in 1 day, but it’s just something to strive towards. And writing stuff down holds me accountable. I want to improve my life and I’m going to take action to do so. I do not want to be the reason my life sucks. I want to be the reason that it’s awesome.

So…to be continued? I guess?

 

–The Kentucky Momma

The Babies :)

So much negativity lately, so how about a change of pace…

Raelynn will be 4 in 4 months.

Briar is almost 15 months old.

They are growing so fast.

Following up from Briar is ONE…she is evolving into her personality. Man, I thought Raelynn was full of it, nope…Briar is going to be a handful. She is a little diva. She constantly says “No”, “Uh-oh”, “Dada”, “Dog-Dog”, “Mama” (only when she wants something), and “Rae Rae” once in a blue moon. We started some sign language with her when she was about one. Just basics that we knew, “more”, “eat”, “drink”, “please”, and “thank you”. She uses “more” all the time because this child always wants more food. Oh my god, she can put down some food. She constantly has a beer gut because she gets so backed up still too. We have recently tried some prune juice. She didn’t take to it as well as Raelynn did, but when she actually does drink it, she goes to the bathroom good. I’m trying to get her off the baby food prunes. She still has hard poops even with baby food prunes. It’s so terrible. I literally have to help her each time by driving her knees into her stomach to get it out. I know, it sounds terrible, but it’s the only thing that works. **Praying the prune juice will be our savior**

She still only has two teeth. I cannot believe it. When she sprouted her first two at 9 months, I was like, okay, this is it, here we go….then nothing…So she is still somewhat of a toothless wonder.

Briar is slowly not being so attached to me. It’s nice because I can breathe a little bit. Before she was up my butt 24/7. She wanted nothing to do with Scott, so it just made it difficult. As the months go by, she is slowly needing me to hold her less, she goes to Scott a little more, but, she is becoming more independent than anything. Just in the past week or two, her and Raelynn actually play together. It’s probably the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. So, all in all, we are going in a good, positive direction!

I didn’t really get to talk about changing her over from breast milk to alternate milk and just our dairy free journey coming to an end in general. We slowly introduced dairy through the dairy ladder. At this point, we have tried everything expect milk directly. And I am going to keep it that way. More than anything, for her constipation issues. Dairy is really bad about causing constipation so we still try and limit it for the most part. Towards the end of breastfeeding, I started incorporating some of the pumped milk that had cow’s milk in it and she did okay. But, what I find most interesting is the color. It’s so crazy, but so awesome.

In order, the bags of milk are dated 1/28/2017, 2/6/2017, 2/8/2017, 2/18/2017, 3/17/2017. On 1/28/2017, she was only 6 days old so that explains the super yellow milk because it’s colostrum. But actually seeing the change go from yellow, to gradually whiter, and then even the last bag in March looks a little yellower.

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Whenever I decided our breastfeeding journey was coming to an end, I decided that I was going to keep her off whole cow’s milk and try to decide on another alternate milk. Through a ton of research, the main reason why whole cow’s milk is recommended after a year is because the calories are high and the fat content is high which aids in brain development. Many other alternative milks do not have this type of ingredient makeup at all. I was a part of a dairy free breastfeeding board on Facebook and the main consensus was Silk Almond/Cashew Milk with added Protein and Ripple Rice Milk. We actually use both of these now and she loves them. I chose these milks because they are very high in calories and they do have a higher fat content, also the protein they have in each are also nice additions.

 

And my big Raelynn. She is changing so much, too. She is evolving into the best big sister. She ALWAYS, for real, ALWAYS wants to carry Briar around. It’s hilarious. She reads to her all the time, she always wants to play with her. But, she bully’s the shit out of her, but not maliciously. She wants to play, so she slings her around like a rag doll. She pushes her sometimes. I keep telling her that I can’t wait for Briar to get bigger because she is going to get what is coming to her.

I’m a great mom 🙂

Raelynn is going to be just like me. She is a little controller of all things, but I can already see her “worry” in a lot of situations. In my opinion, more so than what a normal child of her age should worry. She overthinks a lot of situations. I know a typical toddler asks, “Why?” a millions times a day, but her “Why’s” are valid for the most part and a little deeper than just “Why”. I will be really sad if she gets my anxiety. My therapist told me that I probably had anxiety as a kid and I was probably a worrier. Looking back, I was definitely a worrier. I hope that Raelynn isn’t like me in this aspect.

Here are a couple of pictures of the girls over the past couple of months.

 

That’s all I got.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Reiki Healing/Energy Work

2 weeks have passed since my last post. It’s been a while since I have let that much time get in between posts. But, I have needed the mental break for the moment.

Since I have been struggling so bad, I ended up going back to see the person, Jamie, that did my chakragraph reading. She does reiki healing or energy work. It’s basically her calling upon spirits to go through my chakras and get rid of the bad energy. Yes, I know, it sounds a bit crazy, but, I encourage you to keep reading. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into, but at this point, what could it hurt? Plus, she is just such a good soul. If for one minute, I could not think about all this mess going on, then it would be worth it.

I walked in, and her place is just so comforting. We sat down and she asked how I had been doing. She was aware of my miscarriage, but not about my uterus. I didn’t want to offer too much information because I wanted her to tell me things. Of course, typical Keisha was already crying before anything started.

I don’t know how to describe this, but I laid down in the bed, but it wasn’t a bed, it was comparable to a hospital bed, but it wasn’t that either. I know…that makes perfect sense, right? Anyways, she told me that she would just be scanning my body with her hands, but not touching me to see where my energy was for the moment. She got to my heart and said she could tell it was big, but it was full of hurt right now. She then went to my left shoulder. She asked if it had been hurting. And it had been for about 6-8 weeks now. She told me that it looked like spider webs, just layers and layers of spider webs. She touched my shoulder and then swung this pendulum over my shoulder with her other hand. She explained this was one of the tools that she used to help rid my body of bad energy and put good energy back in. The pendulum swung in circles and then when it stopped, the bad energy was released and then she would start swinging it again to put the good energy in.

Whenever she was finished with the initial assessment which didn’t take long, it was mainly my shoulder, she started at the top of my head and went all the way down to my feet, covering all chakras. There are 7 of them.

Working-with-your-chakras

I was told that I may feel like I was in a dream like state, but I never did. I was fully aware of everything that was going on, for the most part.

At each chakra, we had to get to the root of the bad energy, and then it would release. When it was released, she would fill it back up with good energy. I don’t remember on all the chakras what was the actual root of the bad energy. Some were more prevalent than others, and that’s why I remember them more.

She started at my crown. I don’t really remember any details from this except that she was pulling in my anxious energy.

In my brow area, which is my third eye, she immediately picked up my childhood. She asked if I lived somewhere with wooden stairs. The only place this could have been was my mama’s, which is my mom’s mom. We lived there for a couple of years, but after we moved out, I was there often because it was just me and my mom for a long time and my grandma would babysit me because she didn’t work. She said she was picking up spirit there and asked if I ever felt it. When I was older, my mom told me that when I was little, I used to have an imaginary friend. Jamie immediately said that was definitely spirit. After my healing session, I asked my mom if it was always at mama’s house and she said yes.

At my throat, things started to get interesting. In my chakragraph, my throat was blocked. It was still blocked. It just means that I’m having a communication breakdown with one or more people. We got to the root of who it was and the pendulum stopped swinging. Crazy.

I can’t remember if it was at my throat, or with my heart, but she told me that a specific spirit was present for me. She said she smelled of perm and she lived in a yellow house. I have absolutely no idea who this was. I still do not have any idea. I have asked my mom afterwards and she doesn’t know either. I guess I need to expand my search.

Then onto the heart, which I knew would be a bad one. I started crying right off the bat. She stuck some kleenex under my leg if I needed them. She could obviously feel my broken heart. I can’t remember exactly how we got on my dad, but we did. I can’t really remember what all was said, but she asked if he had a mustache, and I said yes. Then she asked if it was like a Tom Selleck mustache and I just started laughing because she was right on the money. Proof:

I think the heart is also where guilt came up. I am harboring a lot of guilt for wanting three kids. I can’t get over the fact that I want another one when I have two healthy babies at home. Jamie has been the first person to make me feel like it’s okay that things weren’t as I had pictured them. Everyone ALWAYS says, “Well, at least this…and at least that…” Jamie allowed me to FEEL.  She allowed me to cry for a minute. I went to lift my head up just a little to grab the tissues under my leg and I could barely lift my head up. I told her my head felt so incredibly heavy. She very calmly said, “That’s because spirit is holding your head.”

OKAYYYY………

I also just remembered that was one of the main reasons for my shoulder hurting, carrying burdens or burdening myself with things that aren’t necessary. Guilt came up one other time as well.

Also in the heart she asked what I was doing for self-care. What was I doing to make peace with everything. I told her that’s why I was here because I literally do not know what to do with myself. She asked if me and Scott had recently talked about going on a weekend getaway. In our therapy session, the therapist asked if this was possible for us. We just kinda shrugged our shoulders and moved on. The idea sounded nice, but with a million different factors, I wasn’t sure either of us would really make the move to do it. Just two days before my appointment with Jamie, I had looked up the Cincinnati Reds schedule. We both like baseball, and we had talked about Cincinnati in the past because it’s close and we could go for a day and stay the night and then come home the next. I shit you not, Jamie asked if we liked baseball. I laughed and said, yes. She asked if I had been thinking about going to Cincinnati. I just shook my head and said yes. She said, “Go to a game. The spirits will be on your side for good weather. Oh, and bribe your husband with a beer, because that apparently gets him everywhere.” LOL I was dead. All of this was just so accurate. She said that we needed this. We need this time together to be “carefree” and focus on us, and I would assume that it’s going to help get me out of this funk. She brought up my anger, which I’ve been having a lot of. *Disclaimer – I”m not an animal abuser and I don’t condone animal abuse* She said, in a laughing manner, “Stop kicking the dogs.” Just that very day, I was trying to get out the door and Scarlet wouldn’t get back, my hands were full, with the door open, we live on a busy road, I was yelling at her, and she wasn’t listening. All of the terrible scenarios were going through my head, “Yes, this is it. This is going to be the time she darts out on the road and gets hit by a car.” So I gave her a swift nudge with my foot on her butt to move her along……And now I know, I’m always being watched…..

I just had another thought too, but I guess it doesn’t mean anything right now, but I just want to write it before I forget. She kept telling me the wind element was on my side. I will have to research that.

We got to the solar energy and I remember it took us a long time to get through this one. She told me she saw a new diet in my future. I recently started a low carb diet to give keto a try. I am not going full on keto, just low carb to see if I can actually function. I’m still not convinced that I am going to go on keto, but I’m doing okay with low carb for the moment. She said I wasn’t getting enough calories. For the moment, I am on a caloric deficit by choice. She also told me that there was a golden beer that hurts my stomach. I couldn’t really figure this one out. I drink Bud Light, which I wouldn’t really consider “golden”, but my beer palette has been expanding. And I don’t know of any that have gave me a stomach ache…so, I don’t know?? Jamie said a white house kept coming up. The house we currently live in has white vinyl siding. But, the house I lived in growing up was white brick. So I brought up both. She asked which one had the big porch. I told her it was the one that I currently live in. I asked what the significance of it was and she said, “They are telling me to tell you to get your shit off the porch.” I just busted out laughing. The side and the back of the porch are a mess. We haven’t really had a good day to go outside and clean stuff up. I have been wanting to make some pallet furniture for the back porch so I can sit out there, but I haven’t had the time. So I guess this is the push that I needed. Jamie said that I needed to make it welcoming. I have been talking to some of the girls about having mimosa’s on like a Sunday morning or something at the house when it gets warmer, so maybe this is what I need.

Then the sacral which is the reproductive organs. I told her to just sit back and relax because everything was about to happen. This was the whole reason I was here. To this point, we had not discussed my uterus at all. The pendulum started over my uterus and she was confused. She said she saw a healthy, pink uterus. I didn’t say anything. She then said, “It looks to be functioning, but it’s in the shape of a heart?” She was confused, but she had hit the nail on the head. I gave her some small details that she was correct. I still wanted to see what else she could pick up. Emotions that kept coming up were guilt and failure. Guilt on myself and that my body had failed me, which are the exact emotions I was feeling and I’ve even quoted them in a couple of blog posts. I explained to her that Scott and I hadn’t directly spoke about it, but we feel as though the decision has been made for us that we are not having any more kids. And it’s heartbreaking for me. And it’s a lot for me to deal with. And I don’t know how to deal with it. She said whenever I let go of the guilt that I’m harboring and start a self-care routine, I will feel better.

Then, onto the root. In the picture above, it shows just below the sacral, but for me, she went to my feet. She immediately asked if I had been thinking about taking CBD oil. Like, what in the actual hell? I haven’t really talked about it on here, or even told a lot of people, but to answer your inquiring minds, YES, I have been. *After I left, I pulled up my internet on my phone and it was on the research I had been doing on CBD oil.* CBD oil was my option C on dealing with my anxiety. CBD oil is an extraction from cannabis (aka marijuana), but the psychosis inducing ingredient (the ingredient that makes you feel high if you smoke marijuana), is left out. So, essentially, you get all the feel good effects minus the high.

It’s just such a touchy subject. I have been talking to Scott about CBD oil or pot to deal with my anxiety instead of anxiety medicine. He never said no, and he never said yes. Jamie told me the spirits 100% supported the decision for the CBD oil. That was all the affirmation I needed. This is going off topic a little bit, but I feel it’s something that I want to talk about. That exact night, I ended up telling a friend about my healing session with Jamie and that I had been thinking about the CBD oil. She told me she knew someone that could get it in a way that I could vape it. I hesitated, but then the next day, I said, let’s do it.

The first time I tried it was Monday night, April 2. I felt very relaxed and a little sleepy. I might have done a little too much because I wasn’t sure what to expect. Even though I had done the research, I thought I might feel a little high LOL, but I didn’t. Throughout the week, I have been trying to figure out a dosage and I think I finally have. I was doing 3 times a day, just a hit or two; but now I’m down to 2. I think 2 will work for me. I can see every once in a while maybe doing 3 times a day.

Just in the short week that I’ve been doing it, I can already tell it’s working for me. Raelynn was supposed to start soccer this Thursday. Last year, I was freaking out when she had soccer. This was changing my schedule that I worked so hard to create and maintain. It completely threw me off balance. I was an anxious mess. This year, who cares! I can’t wait to see Raelynn play soccer! That’s HUGE for me. HUGE. While we were getting ready for soccer Raelynn accidentally knocked a bead set off a shelf onto the floor and it went everywhere. Little, tiny, small beads everywhere. She was almost in tears and saying sorry a million times over. I was cool and calm and collected and I said, it’s okay, we will deal with it later, we just have to make sure Briar doesn’t come in here. Me last week probably would have went the fuck off. That makes me so sad that I would act like that, especially to Raelynn when it was just an accident. It’s so nice to see things with a clear head.

For the past 4 months, I have had a roller coaster of emotions. Anxiety has been the one that has spiraled out of control, just taking me to a dark place. With one week of CBD oil, I feel like a new person. It’s such a shame that more people are not aware of this and/or are hesitant to use it.

Sorry, that was way off subject, but I wanted to share my experience.

There were more things that were said, but I can’t remember them all. Whenever I say I can’t remember, it’s just that other stories stuck out more than others. I was fully aware of everything going on the whole time.

When she was finished with the energy work, she shook this homemade rattle thing over me to seal all the work she had done, then without touching, she scanned my body with her hands again to “release” me from spirit that was holding me down. She told me to slowly get up, and my head was not heavy anymore. So weird, and cool. I was laying down for 2 hours, so I figured I would be a little lightheaded whenever I sat up. I sat there for minute and said, “Well, I feel drunk, is that normal?” She laughed and said to wait a minute. I told her I still felt drunk. She told me to hang my legs over the side of the bed, she put both hands on my knees, she said to envision and feel my crown, and then proceeded to go through all 7 chakras. When it was over she said, “Okay, do you still feel drunk.” And I didn’t! So freaking weird! She then explained to me that I wasn’t all the way back in my body. So even though I was aware the whole time of everything going on, I was having an out of body experience. And whenever it was over, I just didn’t get all the way back in and that’s why I was feeling drunk. So crazy.

This experience was so enlightening and much needed. I’m so happy I decided to go. I asked her if this type of healing was something that people do on a regular basis, or as needed. She said that everyone is different, but some people use it as therapy. I can totally see myself doing this a couple of times a year. Every year, I am definitely getting a chakragraph done, but then maybe this energy work a couple of times a year.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Bitches Love Therapy.

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After realizing I was still being irrational, I finally talked to Scott that night. I basically told him everything I was feeling about medicine, and keto, and therapy, and life. When I texted him and asked if he would go to therapy with me, I offered no explanation. I wanted to at least give him an explanation as to why I thought it would be good for us and I wanted to express that it was not going to be a bash session against him. He agreed that he thought it would be okay.

After initially talking about it that night, I think it was a Tuesday night, I promised myself that I wouldn’t mention therapy to Scott until the end of the week. I didn’t want to push it. I wanted him to be able to think about it and process it. I’ve been sitting on the therapist’s couch for 3 years talking to her, so this was nothing out of the ordinary for me. But for him, I knew it probably had to make him feel vulnerable.

Friday at the dinner table, I asked him if he was going with me. He said yes, but I could feel hesitation. I just left it alone. I felt and hoped that he was going to go with me, but I didn’t want to keep pressing the issue. I just hoped on Tuesday, he would wake up and go to therapy with me, instead of work.

And he did.

We walked in and I introduced the elusive Scott that she had heard so much about. After that I pretty much jumped right in. I told her that I was probably going to talk a lot and cry a lot and about that time I started crying and I hadn’t even started talking about anything yet. I told her all the recent news about my uterus and how it’s basically consuming my life. Even though Scott and I haven’t discussed it in depth, we were on the same page, that we feel the decision has been made for us that we will not have any more kids. It’s not out of the question, but it’s highly unlikely that we will have another kid. For that decision to be made for you, AND for that decision to be taken away from you in the blink of an eye is heartbreaking. For so many years I feel as though my body has failed me, but now, it’s committed the ultimate failure. I talked about grieving this miscarriage really bad because I felt it was my last pregnancy. We talked about all of this. I basically never stopped crying and talking for about 15 minutes. She asked if I had been crying a lot lately and I told her here and there, but not really like I was now. She then asked if this is how I felt all the time, and I instantly said yes. I feel like I have to be strong. I have to be strong for so many reasons. I felt like crying all the time, but I didn’t. I felt like hiding in a black hole, but I don’t.

Then, she went to Scott. She asked the typical therapist question, “How does seeing her like this make you feel?” With a quivering lip, and teardrop rolling down his face, he simply said, “Helpless.”

I spent 15 minutes catching her up on everything, but, within 5 seconds, Scott was able to say one word and solidify why we were there.

From there we dove into the 5 love languages. I told her through a conversation I had with a coworker it made me realize that we were on different pages when it came to this. And this was the main reason we were here. Again, this was not a bad thing. For me, I just thought it would be better that she explain things and help us. She took the time to explain to Scott each one and he agreed that his was Acts of Service. She also explained mine, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation to him, which I think was very helpful. I think all of this was good coming from her and not me. I tend to read a lot of things and try to explain them to Scott and I think he half ass listens. So, for her to be reiterating how we can help each other, was perfect.

As always, the hour flies by. I felt like we had just sat down and now it was time for us to leave. I felt better talking about everything and having Scott there.

We didn’t really have a chance to talk about anything after it was over because we both had to go to work. That night after the kids went to bed, I asked him what he thought about therapy. He said it was fine and he liked her. That night he was a little more attentive to me. Even though he has saw me be a blubbering mess before, I think, just the raw emotions with someone else in the room that was qualified to tell me it was okay to feel like this and Scott should take note, was a little eye opening for him.

It was a great experience for the both of us. I think our relationship could use a little tune up every once in a while. But, I hope that we don’t need her again for a really long time.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Losing Control…

I am having an extremely hard time dealing with the latest news with my uterus. I cannot recover from it. I think about it non-stop. It really is consuming my life right now. And I hate it.

With all of the events in 2018, and especially in the past two weeks, my anxiety is spiraling out of control. I am very close to a breakdown. I just feel it.

I went into the gym yesterday and there is a guy there that is the nutritionist. The Keto diet has become very big in our gym. The reason this is important…the Keto diet helps with anxiety. The nutritionist used to have extreme anxiety. He and I have talked about it multiple times and we are just alike.

Anxiety for me is a never ending to do list. It’s literally like a TV reel that is constantly playing in my head telling me that I’m not accomplishing anything. It’s being so overwhelmed to the point that I cannot focus on anything. It’s when I get to that point of being so overwhelmed, I lose all sense of prioritizing and I have no idea what task to accomplish next. It’s…see the first sentence in this paragraph and then repeat the process…OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Multiple times a day. It’s exhausting, and I’m over it.

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I’m at the point now that it’s either get on board with this diet, or get on medicine. And I do not want to do either. Getting on medicine is going to be an absolute last resort for me. I am not against people being on medicine for anxiety, I just personally do not want to take it. I have friends that are on it and I would have never even guessed they were on it. They are fully functioning humans. Hell, I didn’t even know that some of them were suffering from anxiety. It’s just something that I do not want to do. But, this diet is also not something that I want to do. I have very little knowledge about this diet, but here is what I know. It’s a high fat diet. The makeup of your diet is essentially 75% fat, 15% protein, and 10% or less carbs. It can very to +/- 5% on all of these. It’s a super low carb diet. I have been warned that you feel like shit until your body is in ketosis. When you reach ketosis, everything starts to get better. For the women at my gym it’s taken 4-6 weeks. And this is being 100% strict, no slip ups. If they had a slip up, it took them longer. Oh, and no beer. I cannot even wrap my head around not having beer. I know I can have other alcohol, but I really like beer. Oh, and if you cheat and have carbs, you pretty much have to start all over. For me, I WANT to be able to have a cheat meal everyone in a while and not feel like shit. For the anxiety to go away, you have to be very strict and follow all the rules to this diet. I just know it’s not possible for me.

The more I talked to the guy at the gym, I just knew that something had to change. I was really emotional afterwards. I felt like I had a good hold on this, and now all of a sudden, I don’t. I text Scott when I got back to work and I told him that I really needed to talk tonight after the kids went to bed. Even if I was tired, I asked him to take the initiative to make me talk. Normally after the kids go to bed, he flips on the TV to his shows and we don’t talk for the rest of the night.

Do you think we spoke to one another last night?

Nope.

And I was furious. Absolutely furious. I had 1 million irrational thoughts going through my head. I was ready to pack my shit and move out. I knew they were irrational so I didn’t say anything. I told myself that I need to cool off and sleep on it. Welp, guess what? I was still pissed off the next morning. I knew I didn’t need to talk to him because I was going to say something I didn’t mean. I got Briar up and she had a poopy diaper. I laid her down in the floor to change her and Scott came in. He started talking to her and trying to keep her attention so I could change her diaper. She’s been playing peek a boo lately so he started covering her face up with her white cover and playing with her. It’s a big cover, and it was getting so close to her poop every time. I kept telling him to stop and he didn’t. So the next time he did it, I yanked the cover from him and threw it across the room.

I just feel myself getting so angry. So fast. Being very irrational.

So, here I am, at this crossroads of what in God’s name do I do?

Today I have thought a lot about what is the next step. I ended up talking to someone at work that I trust about everything that has gone on in the last few weeks. As I was talking, I came to a realization. Maybe Scott should go to therapy with me. Not because we are in a bad place, because we’re not, I’m just crazy…But to help us figure out how to relate to one another and how he can help me. Because I feel like I’m changing in what I need from him. He has always been the same and probably always will be, but I need more. I guess I need more because of everything I’m going through? I don’t know?

I reverted back to one of my first therapy sessions. She explained to me the 5 Love Languages. There are a ton of books and websites about this. Basically everyone loves in a different way, but they normally fall into 5 categories: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Scott and I love differently. He is Acts of Service and I am Quality Time. Scott has told me before that he doesn’t know how to talk to me or help me when I get like this. Hell, I don’t know how to help myself, so how am I supposed to tell someone how to help me and love me? Hence, why I thought about therapy. If she can help Scott understand my anxiety and how to help me, maybe this could be a good thing? And vice versa, I have a hard time with his Acts of Service love. Maybe she can help me deal with and accept it better.

I called the therapist today and asked if he could come to my next visit with me. She immediately said yes. She asked if there was anything she needed to know about since I had never brought up him coming. I told her no, it wasn’t that bad, I think we just need some help understanding each other. For me, it’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have anxiety, what it feels like. And I can only imagine if you don’t have anxiety and you were looking at me. Literally, people probably think I’m a psychopath. Since Scott and I hadn’t really spoke, I text him this morning and asked him to think about coming to therapy with me. All he said was okay. I will hopefully be able to explain to him tonight that I don’t think we are in a bad place, but I want him to come so we can hopefully get a better understanding of what each other wants. He probably thinks it’s going to be a bash session against him and that’s the last thing I want. I didn’t want to text all that so hopefully we get the opportunity to talk tonight.

So tired of this anxious filled life I live.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

I’m Tired of Being Strong

Monday happened. And I’d like a redo.

God, this dreaded appointment. This dreaded doctors office. I am pretty sure I have been in that office more in the last 2 months than I have for all my pregnancies combined. Well, not really, but that’s what it feels like. Yet, here I was again. Trying to figure out answers like I had been for the past 3 months.

They called me back to get the ultrasound. I was super sad because it wasn’t the same ultrasound tech! At this point, I felt like I had bonded with the old one and she wasn’t there. Anyways, as we were walking back she told me that she was going to do an abdominal and vaginal ultrasound. I walked in the room and the big screen was on. I laid down to get the ultrasound and just instinctly turned my head towards the screen. I watched as she looked for my uterus and it was at that point it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just lost it. She was looking for my broken uterus instead of checking on my baby who should be 14 weeks. I was not prepared to see an “empty” ultrasound. Sure, I knew there wasn’t going to be a baby, but I can’t explain it. My emotions just took over. I feel like all I’ve done since I found out I was pregnant was cry. The ultrasound tech asked if there was anything she could do, and I said no. She asked if I wanted her to turn off the big screen, and I said no. I wanted to see if I could see my uterus. So, here I was…staring at my “empty” ultrasound…trying to be an ultrasound tech and find my uterus. Obviously I had no luck. I didn’t even know what I was looking for. It all looked the same to me. I just knew what wasn’t there…a baby with a little flicker of a heartbeat.

After about 10 minutes of taking pictures, she was done. They put me in a room and I waited for the doctor to come in. As soon as she walked in, I started crying. She didn’t even say a word and I lost it. I just knew she was going to give me bad news.

And that she did…

My uterus is completely in two pieces. I have a bicornuate uterus with a large septum. The septum is what splits the uterus in two. Scientifically, a septum is tissue that looks like an upside triangle that splits the uterus in two.

Uterine-Septum

So, what does this mean?

This means, that I can get pregnant, but unless the septum is fixed, it would more than likely result in a miscarriage. There is a very low chance that I could get pregnant and everything would be okay…because:

6 week old in septate uterus

With a septum in the uterus, there is less room for everything. It makes it hard for the placenta to attach and thrive, and the blood supply is really low. Hence, the baby itself cannot grow.

But, if all factors line up appropriately, it is possible to have a successful, yet risky pregnancy. This means that the egg would have to attach in just the right spot to the uterus in order to develop appropriately. The change of having preterm labor with a bicornuate uterus is very high because half of your uterus can only grow so big until it can’t grow anymore:

Bicornuate-Uterus

In a nutshell, my doctor recommended that if I want to have more kids then I would need surgery to correct the septum. My doctors do not perform the surgery. I would have to seek the help of an infertility specialist who would screen my history, run some tests, and perform the surgery. From what I understand, it’s actually pretty minor. I would maybe be down for a couple of days.

With all of this new information, I know the chances of me having another baby are slim to none and I’m having a really hard time dealing with that. Yes, I could go through with the surgery to correct my uterus, but I then become high risk and I will have to be monitored closely. I haven’t asked, but I would assume that means little to no exercise. For my sake and everyone around me, I need to exercise.

All of this might be different if I was trying for my first, or even second baby. But third…is it really worth it? Physically? Emotionally? Mentally? Financially? Is it really worth it? I’m unsure…

And Scott…I knew his mind would be made up. I didn’t even talk to him until that night about it. My appointment was during work hours, and after I had a couple of things to do and I needed to keep my shit together, so I just told him we would talk about it later, because if I talked about it, I was going to cry. After the kids went to bed, we talked about everything. As always, this man surprises me. For me, he’s keeping an open mind. I figured he would be a hard NO. But he wasn’t. He said we could talk about it a couple of months down the road and see how we both felt.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about it all. No decisions need to be made now, and for that, I’m thankful. But, I feel that we won’t have another baby based on all of this. I really don’t see us going through with all of this, just to have one more.

I feel so defeated after all of this. Absolutely defeated. I’m so angry that the decision to have another baby was made really difficult. It’s not really a matter of yes, let’s do it, or no, let’s no do it. Now, it’s a matter of, Do we have the money to go through with this? Do I really want to put myself through this? Can I be strong enough to get through this?

A lot of people tell me that I’m really strong. And to be quite honest, I am so tired of being strong. When Scott and I were talking about this, I told him this. I told him I was so tired of keeping my shit together and trying to be strong for myself and everyone else. When was someone going to be strong for me? When was I allowed to not be strong anymore and just be a human being that has lost 4 babies, and the potential to get pregnant again, and be mad about my god damn uterus?

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Just Another Week in Paradise…

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last update on all of this blood work bullshit. I ended up having to go to get blood work done two other times. It went from a 33 to a 25 to a 3. And they still wanted me to come back. Nope. I was done. 4 weeks of getting poked was enough. I was ready to be done with this. At the point that I was a 3, like, get real, I’m not pregnant anymore.

Everything is a constant reminder that I’m not pregnant anymore. It’s hit me really hard this time. I try to suppress it because reliving it every day is not helpful either. I know that no one wants to hear about it, so I don’t really talk about it. I feel like a broken record talking to Scott about it. He tells me he doesn’t care, but I know he is tired of it.

I can’t remember what doctor appointment is was, but I was waiting to go back and a couple came out after a successful ultrasound and they were beaming. It brought tears to my eyes how happy they were. I was so happy for them, but I was so sad for me.

I got a reminder in my email that I was 12 weeks pregnant….thank you for that…

This miscarriage has just rocked my world.

I just want it to end. I want to feel okay.

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On Monday I go to the doctor to found out about my uterus. I’m not really looking forward to that unless they tell me they were wrong and my uterus is fine. I’m just over the bad news. I know, I’m have an EXTRA pity party for myself, but, I’m just done with the doctor this year and I’m done with the bad news.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma