We left the hospital late afternoon on a Saturday.
As we were leaving the hospital, I was concerned about my mental state.
I told Scott that I just needed today to recover, but was that really all I needed? Just one day to get my shit together?
On top of my extreme emotions from our last day in the hospital, we were about to get the girls.
I was nervous about how I would feel; being home, with 3 kids.
I remember when I got home with Briar, I felt off about Raelynn. It only lasted a day, but it’s hard. In the hospital, you are basically living in this fairy tale world, on a high from having your new baby, and you have all the help in the world, only to be brought back down to reality that your life is really a shit show.
As soon as I got home, I took a long hot shower and tried to get myself together before the girls got home. As I was getting out of the shower, I could hear them in the living room already.
I took a deep breath and exited the bedroom to my new life. A family of 5.
They were excited to be home, excited to see us, and excited to see their new sister again. It was a lot to take in. The loudness, the excitement, their rambunctious selves. It was just a lot.
But, I was okay. I really was. I was happy to be home with my crazy family.
Scott was going to be home the entire next week. I was so happy about this. He was able to take off work for a week and a half.
We would also continue to send the girls to daycare. That meant, for the first week home, it would just be myself, Scott, and Jolee. I felt like this was necessary in order for me to adjust. Plus, I was still not getting around very well. Raelynn and Briar normally use Scott and I as a jungle gym. They are not really understanding that they can’t jump on Mommy for the time being.
For the first week, there is nothing really out of the ordinary to report. Jolee eats, sleeps, pees, poop, and repeat.
I’m trying to really embrace this time when this is all she does and all she needs from me.
With the other two girls, I very quickly wished away their newborn phase. Raelynn had colic and Briar didn’t sleep. I’m hoping Jolee is the one that allows me to fully enjoy being present and in the moment with her.
I follow her lead on eating, sleeping, awake time, etc. She has fallen into a pretty good daytime routine, even though some days are different than others. I can usually pick up on her cues for everything and if I follow them, we have a pretty uneventful day.
I am still trying to figure her out in the evening. Into the second week, things have gotten a little rocky, but not terrible. She has been fussy in the evenings, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.
However, there was one day at night when I couldn’t calm her down. She wouldn’t nurse, she didn’t want a pacifier, she didn’t want to be held, she didn’t want to be laid down, she flat out just didn’t know what she wanted. And I didn’t know what she wanted. I found myself becoming increasingly frustrated.
In this moment, I also found myself trying to shield Scott from having to come get her.
In the past, he gets overly frustrated when he can’t calm the girls down. When he can’t help soothe them, he feels helpless and in turn gets equally as frustrated as me, if not more.
He eventually came back to the bedroom, where Jolee and I were, and offered to take her. I was honestly hesitant, because I didn’t want his pride to take another blow with not being able to calm down yet another child.
He took her and said he would walk around with her to try and get her to sleep. I told him I was going to go to sleep then. This was around 9:30 p.m. At midnight, he walked in and she was asleep. She had been asleep for a while. But as soon we laid her down, she was waking up. I was able to nurse her right back to sleep and we both slept pretty good for the remainder of the night.
Overall she’s been a pretty good sleeper, both day and night.
Every night is different, but on average, she wakes up about 3 times a night to eat. She’s needed some encouragement to go back to sleep recently. I have to pat her butt for a while before she is eventually drifts off to sleep. About every other night she gives me a stretch of like 4 hours. I hope this sticks. She would be my best sleeper yet.
I have told several people, but I just feel like I am waiting on the moment where all hell breaks loose.
Everything has been overall very okay. And I am at arms length with this. I feel like there is a ticking time bomb somewhere just waiting to explode.
Even though we have had just a couple difficult moments, Jolee’s first two weeks of life have been very enjoyable for me.
During the first week that Scott was off work, I made it a point to get out of the house. We had lunch two days that week on a patio because it felt so great outside. It was so refreshing to get out of the house. Jolee was good while we were out. And I got to have beer again 🙂 WINS ALL AROUND!
I am going to try and make a constant effort to be around people when I feel like it and get out of the house and do things. With that said, I also know that I need time for myself. I just have to figure it all out and manage my emotions the best I can.
I do not want to catch myself slipping back into postpartum depression.
The anxiety is inevitable. It’s always there. It will always be there. I just have to manage it.
But, the postpartum depression scares me. I am well aware of what it consists of and what the symptoms are. If I find myself going down that dark path, I hope I can catch myself before it’s too late. I also know that postpartum depression can happen at anytime, for example…when I go back to work…
Here’s to hoping the next couple of weeks (months 🙂 ) are as easy as the first two weeks.