Okay, so it turns out that I’m a little bit bat shit crazy and my relationship is quite spirialing down the drain.
I debated (still debating) on keeping part 1 of this post alive. I wrote it when I was angry and sad as fuck.
Like, I was all up in my feelings when I wrote it.
My main reason for wanting to take it down is because I don’t want anyone to think Scott is a bad person. Because he absolutely is not. If he were a bad person, I would not be with him. When I am that upset, or that pissed off, all I want to do is write. I want to put my feelings down on paper. It just helps me. I have went back and reread that same post several times and it just makes me sad.
Yes, Scott and I are having legitimate issues in our relationship, but the issues we are having are manageable.
It’s just going to be a lot of work.
The main issue that we are dealing with here is, if it were up to Scott, he would party like he was 25 every single weekend and not think twice about it. He could be gone from me and the girls for 24 hours straight and not even think twice about it.
Just to clarify, when I’m NOT pregnant, I LOVE to go out and socialize and throw back a couple of drinks. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be allowed to do this, because he should. And I should. And I will when I’m not pregnant. We both deserve it.
But, Scott just takes it to a different level.
He has always been the guy that can stay up later than everyone and drink more than everyone, but…in my very personal opinion…at some point, you have to grow up, especially when you have two young kids and a pregnant wife at home.
Again, just to reiterate…I’m not saying that we shouldn’t be able to go out and have fun. It was the frequency in which this was occurring that started to piss me off.
It was turning into back to back weekends which consisted of being gone all day and night and then being absolutely useless the next day. So basically, our whole weekend was shot because he wanted to go out for 5 hours.
This particular weekend, it just set me off.
It had been building inside me like a time bomb and it just took the one instance to blow up.
The next day I literally did not speak one word to him. I am ALWAYS the bigger person when it comes to this shit. This time, I just refused to initiate the conversation. He stayed in the living room and I stayed in the bedroom. Hence where the Part 1 post was created.
I felt like a hostage in my own house.
I slept like shit the night before because I was so pissed. Then I was exhausted from crying all morning. I actually was so tired when the girls took a nap that I took a nap. And of all the days, that evening, we were having a family together for my birthday.
Joy to the world. What a perfect day.
I went to bed that night without saying anything to him and I fell right asleep.
It was just such an exhausting and overwhelmingly emotional day. I was done.
The next morning, I woke up early, and I was still mad. I wanted to get ready and get out of the house so I wouldn’t have to speak to him. After I got ready, I sat down to put my shoes on in the living room and I just lost it. All of the emotions were still there. Still raw.
That morning, I wanted to give him my rings back so he knew how serious I was.
It took me 20 minutes to get out of the door because I wanted to walk back to that bedroom so bad and wake him up and give him my rings.
I ended up putting them on my finger and eventually walking out the door.
Something was telling me not to go this route.
Throughout all of this, I think I was more so scared to ask him for a separation or give him my rings back because I thought he would be okay with it. This was scarier than anything.
What if he was okay with separation?
What if he WANTED to separate?
That thought scared the life out of me.
Around 7:30 a.m., I got a text from him saying that he had a sitter and we were going to dinner tonight.
I started crying all over again.
He knew I was mad, but he was trying to make it better.
I wasn’t excited to go to dinner, but I was ready so we could get this conversation over with. I already had my mind set that I was still going to refuse to start the conversation because I’m an asshole.
The whole car ride there, silent.
While looking at the menu, silent.
It wasn’t until after we ordered our dinner that Scott finally managed to get out the most Scott thing to say, “So, why are you mad?”
I wasn’t sure if I should lose my shit or laugh. This is such a typical Scott conversation starter.
So, I told him everything. I told him I was mad for the excessive going out, the staying gone for all hours of the day and night, being useless the next day, the fact that I had considered separation, the fact that I wanted to walk back to the bedroom this morning and give him my rings back.
What it all boiled down to was, he doesn’t think what he’s doing is an issue. And I think it’s an issue that he doesn’t think it’s an issue.
For him, the majority of the time he is gone is when the kids are in bed. So he doesn’t see anything wrong with being gone. He isn’t losing time with them. I am not having to parent by myself. So he didn’t see the issue. He did agree about the whole him being useless the next day. According to him, he is never hungover, he is just “tired”. Okay, Scott, same fucking thing. Nevertheless, he agreed.
I appreciated his honestly. Truly. We have been going through this 2 1/2 years and because he has never seen an issue with it, and I eventually get over it, he just goes back to doing it.
He verbally said he could see how serious I was whenever I brought up separation because we have NEVER spoke those words to each other.
15 years together and the words separation and divorce have never SERIOUSLY come out of each other’s mouth.
I told him my thoughts on separation…that I was very mad yesterday and I didn’t know what else to do or what else to think because we had been going down this tumultuous road for 2 1/2 years. Did I really, truly want a separation, NO! Of course not! But we needed to do something to fix this.
He finally said the words that I’ve needed to hear…the last thing he wanted was a separation because he also agreed that it would probably lead to a divorce which neither of us want. It made me very happy to hear that. At least we were on the same page when it came to this.
Good thing I had a therapy appointment in 2 days.
Shit, was she about to get an earful.