Week 12 is another week that I have been waiting for and also dreading.
I had an OB appointment to see if there was a heartbeat.
I honestly felt in my heart that there was going to be a heartbeat, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of her putting that Doppler to my stomach and hearing silence.
I’m just approaching that time where I’m not showing, I’m not feeling any movements, but I’m starting to feel better.
It feels like I’m not pregnant.
Most woman, I’m sure, would welcome this feeling. But it makes me so nervous. As much as I bitch and complain about feeling sick, at least I know that I’m pregnant when I’m sick.
Finally, they called me back. I waited maybe 5 minutes for the doctor to come into the room. She put the doppler to my stomach and almost immediately I heard that all too distinguishable, “swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh…”. The ever welcoming sounds of a heartbeat.
I still had a baby.
It was still growing inside me.
Yet, I felt no relief.
I feel like I’m still waiting on the worst to happen.
I cannot connect to this pregnancy at all. Since my first pregnancy was a miscarriage, I haven’t been able to truly connect with any of them, but this one has been the worst. I basically don’t allow myself to get happy or get excited for fear of losing it.
The doctor I was seeing today is one that I’ve known for 15 years. She is my regular GYN doctor and I have also saw her throughout all of my pregnancies. I have not saw this doctor yet this pregnancy.
So, you know I had to ask about my uterus.
Me – “Was I born with this condition or did it happen over time?”
Doc – “This is more than likely something you were born with, but if you’ve had a uterine surgery, which you have (D&C with first pregnancy), then this could have caused some type of septum.”
Me – “Just so you know, this is not what the previous doctor told me. At this point, it doesn’t really make a difference, I think I was more so just looking for the answer that I’ve had it all along because that would mean that I’ve had two successful pregnancies with this condition. Have you witnessed successful pregnancies with this condition?”
Doc – “Yes, all the time. You know, there are certain risks, C-Section, preterm labor, it could even why you deliver so quickly. You’ll never get the answer you are looking for because every doctor is going to tell you something different. At this point, you have to understand something. If there were something wrong, I wouldn’t have been able to find a heartbeat that fast. If something is going to happen, it’s going to happen, and it’s out of your control.”
Yea…I don’t like not being in control.
But her being straight forward helped. I realize that none of my miscarriages are in my control. If they were I would have done everything possible to prevent them. But, It’s out of my control. And I didn’t need her to tell me this. I knew this. But it’s something that I cannot wrap my head around. I don’t know that I ever will.
Based on the fact that we still have a baby, we started telling more people this week that I was pregnant.
We finally told Raelynn and Briar that I was pregnant.
We sat them down on the couch and showed them the ultrasound picture. We explained to them that mommy has a baby in her belly. Raelynn’s response was, “ALREADY?” I have no idea where that came from LOL. I asked Raelynn how that made her feel, happy, sad, upset…I wanted to give her the option to be mad or sad if she wanted to be. She kept saying over and over that she was happy. Briar had no idea what was going on.
We waited so long to tell Raelynn because we wanted to make sure that everything was going to be okay, but we also knew that she had a big mouth. And I’m actually surprised to say that she hasn’t spoke about it since we initially told her.
Monday October 22
Strength
Power clean + power jerk
1x(2+1) @ 40%
1x(2+1) @ 50%
1x(2+1) @ 60%
1x(2+1) @ 70%
1x(2+1) @ 80%
4x(1+1) @ 87%
HEAVY AF.
Metcon
10 min emom
odd: 2 rope climb
Even: 7 burpees
Did rope hooks instead of climbs.
Wednesday October 24
Strength
Back Squat
1×3 @ 55%
1×3 @ 65%
1×3 @ 75%
4×3 @ 82%
Metcon
22 min AMRAP
40 dubs
15 TTB
10 front squats 75#
This was awful. I’m so slow at TTB and DU. 4 rounds total.
Friday October 26
Strength
Hang Power Snatch
1×2 @ 40%
1×2 @ 50%
1×2 @ 60%
1×2 @ 70%
This felt good.
Metcon
10-1 rest 2 minutes 1-10
power snatches 65#
HSPU
