I wish I could wait a really, really, really long time to tell everyone that I am pregnant.
Mainly because of my history of 3 miscarriages.
I’m always on edge that when I finally share the news, something is going to happen. I’m going to lose my baby. I’ve been through it. And it sucks. When you tell everyone that your pregnant and you are happy and they are happy for you, only to have to go back around to EVERYONE and tell them you have now lost the baby.
It’s heartbreaking to have to relive it and talk about it, especially when I don’t want to, or I’m not ready to.
So here I am, already caught in a god damn predicament of do I tell my friends and family that I’m pregnant, or do I wait?
This wouldn’t be such a big deal if I didn’t drink socially at every freaking gathering we have. It sets off red flags for everyone. “Oh, Keisha’s not drinking, well she’s obviously pregnant.”
Great. I’m glad you have observed that. Now keep your mouth shut until I’m ready to tell you.
I’m not, not telling you to withhold information from you.
I’m not telling you because I have emotions that I cannot deal with about my pregnancy.
I have thoughts about my pregnancy that I do not want to share with you. And did it ever occur to you, that I might just want to keep this a secret between me and my husband for now? It’s such an intimate moment for me, personally, and it always seems to be ripped away.
And, on top of dealing with my emotions, YOU have emotions and opinions about MY pregnancy that I fucking do not want to hear or deal with.
I am not the glowing pregnant woman that you see cupping her belly at 4 weeks pregnant. I am not the glowing pregnant woman that loves being pregnant.
I am the pregnant person that is praying every single day this pregnancy works out.
I am the pregnant person hoping that I wake up everyday and do not see any blood.
I am the pregnant person that truly WANTS to be happy about being pregnant, but I’m not and I never will be.
Pregnancy is such a scary thing for me.
The happiness and worry-free pregnancy was stripped away from me during my first miscarriage which was also my very first pregnancy.
Every single pregnancy after that, I have worried, I have been over cautious. And when I did eventually tell you I was pregnant, I said, “but please, don’t get your hopes up for me because we can never be too sure how this is going to end.”
I’ve been through it time and time again.
And it fucking sucks.
Even though this was unexpected, I’m praying this is different.
