Anxiety Triggers

anxiety triggers

It’s been an interesting July. I can’t believe 2018 is already half way over.

Scott has been out of town for work, honestly, for the majority of the month. The only thing…The main thing I miss about him being at home is sleeping in the same bed as him. I just don’t sleep as good when he isn’t there. Really, he doesn’t even have to be in the same room as me; just to have his presence in the house is comforting.

It’s also hard to juggle the girls when you are by yourself. One needs this, one wants that, then they both need the same thing at the same time and they are fighting over it.

When he is gone, I usually experience some anxious moments. I felt like I was okay. I’ve been okay for the most part which makes me so happy.

Then, this past weekend happened.

What exactly happened this past weekend?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

anxiety triggers

And I was an anxious and overwhelmed mess.

This particular weekend, we had no plans at all which is a huge rarity in our lives. I told him several weeks prior that we did not have any plans this weekend so let’s keep it that way. I was ready for a week to chill at home with nothing to do.

I felt off on Saturday. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I was becoming increasingly irritable and irrational. I was getting upset at the girls for the stupidest things. I was getting aggravated with Scott. I wanted it to go away. There was literally no reason for this.

I woke up on Sunday with the exact same feeling, but intensified. I tried to chill out the best I could, but it just wasn’t happening. I went outside because it was a beautiful morning. No humidity, quiet, sunny, and I had my coffee. Nothing was calming me down. I could just feel my anxiousness building.

I will shamefully say this…even though I have workout equipment at home, I rarely use it.

And I hate that. BUT, I knew it was going to get put to use today. I needed a release to get my shit together. So, I told Scott that I was going to work out.

He even gave me the side eye and laughed in disbelief.

Raelynn likes to workout with me, so I knew if I told her I was going to work out, I would be held accountable. She stopped in her tracks and proceeded to tell me, she would put on her comfy clothes this time to work out, but I needed to buy her some workout clothes because she didn’t have any.

OKAY, GIRL BYE….

I worked out.

Like, sweaty, full force lifting session workout.

Nothing.

I did not feel relieved.

What in the actual fuck.

I ended up going to the pool because some of my family was going over there. I went without the kids initially. Whenever they got up, Scott was going to bring them over. OF COURSE, they woke up early, Scott’s car was dead…so I had to stop what I was doing and go get them.

We went to dinner with my parents that night and the girls were just going crazy and it wasn’t sitting well with me. I even said out loud, “Am I really being this irrational right now?”

By the time we got home, I was exhausted. Exhausted from what??!

We gave them a bath, and I literally went to bed at 8:30 p.m. because I had my new wakeup call at 5:00 a.m. with my new gym. OMG I was dreading waking up at 5:00 a.m. Was this really worth it? It would be if I felt better.

Monday rolled around…all day…even after my workout, I still felt off.

Since I’m not quite acclimated to my new wakeup call yet, I am usually pretty tired on Monday’s, but my anxiousness and overwhelmed feelings did not get any better. When I got home from work, I just laid on the couch, which is not like me at all. There was so much shit to be done at home, but I did not feel like being productive. Then, Scott reminded me that he had a softball game that I was expected to go to and take the kids. Cool.

I told Scott how I was feeling and had been feeling for the past 3 days. Neither of us know how to “fix” it. It’s something we are working through. It’s hard. It’s so hard. I still don’t know how to tell him to help me, but I want him to help me. Sounds like a typical woman, right?

NOTHING. Nothing caused me to feel like this. Nothing triggered it.

I am just fucked up. I feel like such a nutcase.

And having to explain it to Scott is so hard.

I am just waiting on the moment for him to be like, “Okay, this is the last time I’m dealing with your crazy ass, BYE.” I’m such a broken record. Constantly telling him that I need this and need that and I’m anxious and overwhelmed. It’s annoying. I just want to be normal and not have these feelings.

The softball game was fine. It was a nice night out, and it felt good to be outside getting fresh air. And of course the girls had fun. I found myself being exhausted again that night. I went to bed around 9:00 p.m.

5:00 a.m. wakeup call on Tuesday, jumped right out of bed, still feeling a little off, but seemingly better. I normally get all my shit together the night before, but not last night because I was just not feeling it. So, I was somewhat rushing to get my shit together. When I got out the door, I spilled my coffee all over me, and I literally said out loud,

“What is going on in the universe right now?!”

I got in the truck with all my 800 bags, plugged in my most gangsta rap to pump me up, and off I went.

I only got about 100 meters out of the driveway before I heard what sounded like me hitting a rodent of some sort on the road. It was so incredibly loud. I slowed down a little bit, but the noise persisted. As I drove a little more, the noise went away, but I could still tell that something wasn’t right.

There is a neighborhood about a half mile up the road, I turned in, got my flashlight out, because mind you, it’s 5:30 in the morning, and I saw that something had punctured my tire. It looked like the end of a bungee cord.

Are you FUCKING kidding me?!?!?!

I didn’t write about it at the time, but I literally just had a flat tire at the beginning of June. That time I have no idea what I hit, but it put a big enough hole in the tire that we had to replace it. So, what did I do to the BRAND NEW TIRE…I hit the SAME TIRE ON THE SAME SIDE. A 2 month old tire. Jesus.

I was so scared that Scott was going to be pissed.

I was so pissed that I was going to miss the gym.

It was like when I yelled at the universe just 2 minutes prior, it said, “Hold my beer.” Luckily I was close enough to the house that I could get my truck back home with no issue.

I was dreading walking back in the house to wake Scott up and telling him I had a flat tire. I walked in the bedroom and woke him up, and I couldn’t even get it all the way out before I started bawling hysterically.

Every emotion that I had been feeling over the past 3 days just poured out.

I didn’t even try to contain myself. In a very caring tone, he kept telling me to calm down and that everything was going to be okay. He wasn’t mad at all.

Today is Wednesday and I feel better today. I actually made it to the gym with no problems, aka no flat tires! YAY! And the workout was brutal as fuck. But I totally needed it. I was dripping in sweat by the time the workout was over and I felt a sense of calmness.

Finally, maybe I am resetting back to normalish…