This Messy Life of Mine

I had a therapy appointment this past Tuesday. It was the first appointment since Scott and I had went together. There was a lot to talk about and fill her in on.

She initially asked how I had been since I was on the verge of a mental breakdown the last time I was there. To refresh your memory, I basically told her that I was either going to have to get on medicine or I was going to have to start this godforsaken keto diet. And I did not want to do either.

I told her that I had started vaping CBD oil AND I was taking a stab at this Keto diet, which I haven’t really had the opportunity to talk about much here. I just told her that medicine was a last resort and not for me. She was intrigued about the CBD oil. Over the past month, I have been experimenting with dosage and trying to figure out what works best for me. I initially started out by taking it 3 times a day, and then I moved to 2 times, and then I moved to 1 time, and then it was just a couple of times a week. If I know a stressful, or anxious situation is about to happen, I may up the dosage to twice a day or something like that. For example, Scott was going out of town for work and I have a really hard time sleeping when he is not there. So I was just take a hit before bed and it would help me get a full night of sleep.

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I would say the Keto diet has had a bigger impact on my mental health than the CBD oil. I then explained this diet to her. I’m not discounting the fact that the CBD oil works, because for me, it does, but I think I don’t have to use it that much because this diet has worked wonders for my mental stability. As I’ve vaguely said before, it’s a high fat, super low carb diet. My main concern was that I was not going to be able to drink beer. Because beer is basically carbs. And it’s summer time…and I’m not pregnant…so why would I not want to drink beer basically every weekend?? 🙂 I figured I would give it a try. I didn’t go straight into the hardcore diet, I just started out low carb to see if this diet was actually going to be doable for me. I drank on the weekend, I had some major carbs, but I didn’t feel horrible. So I decided to get a little stricter, I still drank on the weekend, ate some major carb loaded foods, but I was still for the most part, okay. For these weeks, I was eating, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and maybe some snacks. I started to read a little more about the Keto diet and intermittent fasting and bulletproof coffee were essentials. Intermittent fasting is where you do not eat for a certain amount of hours, and then you have a “window” of time that you eat. I have always been the person that eats small meals a couple of times a day, so I was not sure that I would be able to do this. And the bulletproof coffee is basically just a way to get in your fat. It’s coffee with a combination of different things, but I use grassfed butter and coconut oil. I just decided to take the leap and do it and see what happens. The only thing I had in the morning was my bulletproof coffee. I was scared I was going to get hungry and I was scared I might get sick from working out on an empty stomach. My plan was to workout at 11:30 and then eat after. The first day wasn’t terrible, but I remember day 2 and 3, I was HANGRY. I could not wait to get out of the gym and eat. I have since learned that I am not doing as long as a fast as I thought because when I have my bulletproof coffee in the morning, I’m breaking my fast because it’s over 50 calories. But, for the moment, I am okay with the routine that I have going.

So, after all of that…how is this actually helping me? As I have said several times before, I have had such a hard time focusing, especially at work. Brain fog is real, y’all. It wasn’t until I started doing the fasting that I started to see some of these results. I could feel my anxiousness disappearing and I slowly felt like I was being more and more productive at work. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I could actually accomplish what I needed to instead of wandering around aimlessly and doing the bare minimum. It was such a great feeling.

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It’s so crazy to me that a diet can make me feel so much better, mentally. And I am not super strict on this. I would say through the week I am pretty strict, but I tend to be pretty lazy on the weekends, but not full on cheating for 2 days straight. I pretty much still do the fasting and eat the same stuff, but I just add beer into the mix. From what I understand, this doesn’t work for everyone. Some people can basically smell a carb and they get sick. Some people can go off of it for a week and get right back on with no issues. For me, I was happy that I was able to find some balance with achieving mental clarity and still having my beer 🙂 Win for me!

Then Derby week happened to me. If you are not from the great state of Kentucky, then allow me to briefly explain to you Derby week. We party for an entire week for a 2 minute horse race. End of story. Instead of just indulging on the weekend, I also indulged on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. I knew I probably wouldn’t bounce right back like I normally do and I was correct. It was about Thursday of the next week until I got my life back together. I was just super tired. I peed about 400 gallons because I was getting rid of my water weight. And my dreaded brain fog was back. It was the first time I had experienced it since I started this diet and I hated it. I could not complete a thought. A friend of mine looked right at me and was asking me a question and I couldn’t’ even process what was going on. Thankfully for me, there is only one Derby week a year, so I should be good going forward 🙂

Back to therapy…

After explaining the CBD oil and the keto diet we, of course, switched to me and Scott. Inquiring minds want to know how we are in general, especially after this… I Understand Why Divorce Happens…

We had our therapy session together at the end of March. I could quickly see that things weren’t changing much. I was getting frustrated. My outlet, was the post mentioned above. I kept telling him that I wanted to talk to him and it just wasn’t happening. So I wrote the post. He knows I have the blog, but I know he’s never read anything in it. He was gone for the night with his parents for a Derby event, but I knew he was going to have some down time where he could read this. And it was everything I wanted to say to him. I sent him the link and asked him to read it when he had the time. I told him that it was sad that I had to result to writing a post for him to read because he wasn’t making himself fully available. He was always preoccupied with the TV or the phone. I told him that I knew I was asking a lot, but we have to make US a priority again or else we are going to grow apart further than we already are. After he read it, he text me and said he is sorry he hasn’t been giving me what I need and he doesn’t want us to continue to grow further apart. He’s always been a man of few words when it comes to emotional shit.

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Here we are, almost 2 months later, no date night, and none scheduled in sight. I expressed this to the therapist. How are we going to get out of this? what do we do? For me, I don’t beat around the bush, I tell Scott exactly what I need.

She stopped me and asked, “Do you really, though?” I mean, I feel like I do. She asked for an example. I told her that I tell him everything I am needed from him and I have expressed several times that we need to have a date night and just every once in a while I would like for him to take the initiative to do something for us or plan something for us. Her eyes lit up with opportunity. She looked at me and said, “Okay, Keisha. You want him to take the initiative to do something for you all, but let’s face it, you are a control freak. YOU have to tell HIM when you are available for something. YOU are the “keeper” of y’alls calendar, therefore you have to help him out too!” Okay, Okay…I was just hoping that I didn’t have to be SO specific, but I get it, and I understand, so I will do it. After it was over, I immediately text him and told him that she put in my place and I needed to give him a little more direction. And then he saw his window of opportunity to make a very valid point too. He said he doesn’t take the initiative to plan anything anymore because the couple of times he did find a sitter and make plans, I basically freaked out because I wasn’t ready to leave the kids yet. And he is 100% right. I remember him making plans when Raelynn was little, or when Briar was little, and I was like, NOPE. SORRY. Try again another day. And if I were him, I probably would have stopped try to plan something too. He put effort into something, only to get shot down. I am humble enough to accept that fact that I am wrong. I am glad that I have people to help bring me back down and put things into perspective for me.

Recently we have been so busy with Derby events that we haven’t had the opportunity to do anything. I am hoping in the month of May we make time for ourselves. I will be highly disappointed if we do not.

Of course, you know me, typical Debbie Downer…I had to bring up the fact that I am still thinking about my broken uterus and potentially not being able to have kids anymore. It’s not consuming my thoughts as much as it was, but it’s always still there. Scott and I still haven’t spoke about this. I don’t really know that there will ever be a good time to have the talk. My emotions about this have changed. I essentially felt pretty guilty for even wanting another kid. I felt greedy. I have two, perfectly healthy kids, why was I stressing so much about having another kid? It was just my vision for my family. And my vision was crumbling before my eyes. I don’t really feel guilty anymore. I am more so just sad that it’s not going to happen. Maybe even a little angry. But definitely not guilty anymore. Then, the therapist shared a story with me that made me even think a little more. She has three kids. When she had her third, there were some complications and they advised her not to get pregnant anymore and to get her tubes tied. She only planned on having three kids, but she said the fact that they told her to do this pissed her off. She said even when she got the procedure done, she was sad, and mad because it’s just a maternal instinct thing. Someone is taking away your ability to carry kids and be a mom to another baby. The fact that someone like her basically experienced the same emotions as me is humbling. It makes me feel not alone. It makes me feel like I am not a crazy person for feeling some of the emotions I’ve felt. Then it also begs the question, because of my maternal instinct, if I had a third kid…would I want a 4th? or a 5th? I honestly cannot see myself wanting more than 3. Shit, we couldn’t afford it. Her experience just makes me reconsider some of the things I’m feeling. It gives me a different perspective which I am thankful for.

This is my crazy mess of a life for the moment. I hope you enjoy it.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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