“Self” Issues

Since my reiki healing, I’ve started to have a lot of suppressed emotions surface. Jamie mentioned this could happen. In general, self esteem issues, self love issues, self worth issues, a lot of “self” issues. My whole life I have dealt with these issues. I’ve always been really hard on myself. If I don’t live up to my expectations that I have on myself I get really down on myself or I let whatever situation I’m currently living in, consume me.

I have to stop doing this. It relates directly to a lot of the guilt that I’m holding and burdening myself with. I am not perfect at all. Yet, I hold myself to perfection. I make mistakes everyday in my job, in my marriage, with my children, in my personal life, in my professional life. And in the moment, I feel as I am the only one that makes mistakes, when in reality EVERYONE makes mistakes and no one is perfect.

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There are so many items in my life right now that I am allowing to consume me and I really shouldn’t think twice about it:

  1. For the first time in a while, Scott and I went out this past weekend and we were gone all day long, we spent way too much money, and we had way too much fun. Queue the mom guilt. Leaving my kids all day, and then being really tired and useless the next day and letting all of the chores fall by the wayside while we recovered. We needed some time away. Yet, I feel guilty for it. Scott does not. I just need to be like Scott. We are going to be away from the kids all day Saturday and I’m already anxious about it.
  2. I constantly feel like my house is a disaster. I could clean all day long and it doesn’t matter. I feel like I get nothing accomplished. My kids closets are a disaster. They have clothes in there that do not fit them anymore, shoes that do not fit them, toys that they do not play with….the list is never ending. And it consumes me. It stresses me out so bad whenever I walk in a messy house.
  3. I am still having issues focusing at work. I read an article lately and it hit home. You Need to Practice being your Future Self. This person described in this article is almost exactly how I am at work. It’s made me question my career choice lately. I’m in a powerful position, but I don’t know that I want a desk job for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself that I’m in a rut and it will pass…at 30 years old, I am unsure if I know what I want to be when I grow up…

I’m just having a hard time balancing life right now and it sucks.

I have been trying so hard to make my life positive for 2018 and it’s just not happening. There are positive aspects to my life, I just feel like I cannot get my shit together. And a lot of the times, I feel like I’m the only person screwing up at life. Logical Keisha knows that I am not the only person screwing up at life, I’m just really hard on myself, but crazy Keisha thinks that she is the only mom, wife, professional that does not have her shit together.

That’s why the article mentioned above hit home so much. I live in a past and present state of mind. I do not think about my future self and my future life enough. I am tired of living my life this way. Constantly feeling like less of a person and constantly feeling overwhelmed.

All of this is stemming from one of my new year’s resolutions to be more positive. Starting TOMORROW 🙂 4/17, I am going to try and incorporate positive things and ways to be more productive in my life. Clearly, my current routine isn’t working. So something has to change. And I have to take the initiative to make that change.

  1. I really want to wake up earlier. If I give myself ample time to get my life together in the morning, I know it will help set up a more productive and positive day. Currently, I rush in the morning because I know exactly how late I can sleep in order to get to work on time and I push it until the very last second. I rush getting ready and it just makes for a stressful morning.
  2. I emailed Jamie, the person mentioned in my last post, in regards to how I can successfully meditate. I’ve never done this before, but I’d like to start doing this for a short amount of time in the morning. I wanted to ask Jamie, specifically, because she has been such a help for me. I know she will be able to help with this as well.
  3. Incorporate more positive affirmations into my life. If I ever feel down, I just want to be able to read something positive to uplift me.
  4. I want to read more. I love to read, but I never make enough time for it. I have a couple of self-help books that are just collecting dust at home.
  5. Carve out more time for just Scott and I. It’s 100% our fault, but we ALWAYS put our relationship last. We got out with friends every once in a while, but we NEVER go out, just us two. I’d like to start doing something monthly and it doesn’t have to be going out to eat, or whatever, it can be just hanging out, just us two.

I realize that I’m not going to be able to accomplish all 5 of these things in 1 day, but it’s just something to strive towards. And writing stuff down holds me accountable. I want to improve my life and I’m going to take action to do so. I do not want to be the reason my life sucks. I want to be the reason that it’s awesome.

So…to be continued? I guess?

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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