Losing Control…

I am having an extremely hard time dealing with the latest news with my uterus. I cannot recover from it. I think about it non-stop. It really is consuming my life right now. And I hate it.

With all of the events in 2018, and especially in the past two weeks, my anxiety is spiraling out of control. I am very close to a breakdown. I just feel it.

I went into the gym yesterday and there is a guy there that is the nutritionist. The Keto diet has become very big in our gym. The reason this is important…the Keto diet helps with anxiety. The nutritionist used to have extreme anxiety. He and I have talked about it multiple times and we are just alike.

Anxiety for me is a never ending to do list. It’s literally like a TV reel that is constantly playing in my head telling me that I’m not accomplishing anything. It’s being so overwhelmed to the point that I cannot focus on anything. It’s when I get to that point of being so overwhelmed, I lose all sense of prioritizing and I have no idea what task to accomplish next. It’s…see the first sentence in this paragraph and then repeat the process…OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Multiple times a day. It’s exhausting, and I’m over it.

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I’m at the point now that it’s either get on board with this diet, or get on medicine. And I do not want to do either. Getting on medicine is going to be an absolute last resort for me. I am not against people being on medicine for anxiety, I just personally do not want to take it. I have friends that are on it and I would have never even guessed they were on it. They are fully functioning humans. Hell, I didn’t even know that some of them were suffering from anxiety. It’s just something that I do not want to do. But, this diet is also not something that I want to do. I have very little knowledge about this diet, but here is what I know. It’s a high fat diet. The makeup of your diet is essentially 75% fat, 15% protein, and 10% or less carbs. It can very to +/- 5% on all of these. It’s a super low carb diet. I have been warned that you feel like shit until your body is in ketosis. When you reach ketosis, everything starts to get better. For the women at my gym it’s taken 4-6 weeks. And this is being 100% strict, no slip ups. If they had a slip up, it took them longer. Oh, and no beer. I cannot even wrap my head around not having beer. I know I can have other alcohol, but I really like beer. Oh, and if you cheat and have carbs, you pretty much have to start all over. For me, I WANT to be able to have a cheat meal everyone in a while and not feel like shit. For the anxiety to go away, you have to be very strict and follow all the rules to this diet. I just know it’s not possible for me.

The more I talked to the guy at the gym, I just knew that something had to change. I was really emotional afterwards. I felt like I had a good hold on this, and now all of a sudden, I don’t. I text Scott when I got back to work and I told him that I really needed to talk tonight after the kids went to bed. Even if I was tired, I asked him to take the initiative to make me talk. Normally after the kids go to bed, he flips on the TV to his shows and we don’t talk for the rest of the night.

Do you think we spoke to one another last night?

Nope.

And I was furious. Absolutely furious. I had 1 million irrational thoughts going through my head. I was ready to pack my shit and move out. I knew they were irrational so I didn’t say anything. I told myself that I need to cool off and sleep on it. Welp, guess what? I was still pissed off the next morning. I knew I didn’t need to talk to him because I was going to say something I didn’t mean. I got Briar up and she had a poopy diaper. I laid her down in the floor to change her and Scott came in. He started talking to her and trying to keep her attention so I could change her diaper. She’s been playing peek a boo lately so he started covering her face up with her white cover and playing with her. It’s a big cover, and it was getting so close to her poop every time. I kept telling him to stop and he didn’t. So the next time he did it, I yanked the cover from him and threw it across the room.

I just feel myself getting so angry. So fast. Being very irrational.

So, here I am, at this crossroads of what in God’s name do I do?

Today I have thought a lot about what is the next step. I ended up talking to someone at work that I trust about everything that has gone on in the last few weeks. As I was talking, I came to a realization. Maybe Scott should go to therapy with me. Not because we are in a bad place, because we’re not, I’m just crazy…But to help us figure out how to relate to one another and how he can help me. Because I feel like I’m changing in what I need from him. He has always been the same and probably always will be, but I need more. I guess I need more because of everything I’m going through? I don’t know?

I reverted back to one of my first therapy sessions. She explained to me the 5 Love Languages. There are a ton of books and websites about this. Basically everyone loves in a different way, but they normally fall into 5 categories: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Scott and I love differently. He is Acts of Service and I am Quality Time. Scott has told me before that he doesn’t know how to talk to me or help me when I get like this. Hell, I don’t know how to help myself, so how am I supposed to tell someone how to help me and love me? Hence, why I thought about therapy. If she can help Scott understand my anxiety and how to help me, maybe this could be a good thing? And vice versa, I have a hard time with his Acts of Service love. Maybe she can help me deal with and accept it better.

I called the therapist today and asked if he could come to my next visit with me. She immediately said yes. She asked if there was anything she needed to know about since I had never brought up him coming. I told her no, it wasn’t that bad, I think we just need some help understanding each other. For me, it’s hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have anxiety, what it feels like. And I can only imagine if you don’t have anxiety and you were looking at me. Literally, people probably think I’m a psychopath. Since Scott and I hadn’t really spoke, I text him this morning and asked him to think about coming to therapy with me. All he said was okay. I will hopefully be able to explain to him tonight that I don’t think we are in a bad place, but I want him to come so we can hopefully get a better understanding of what each other wants. He probably thinks it’s going to be a bash session against him and that’s the last thing I want. I didn’t want to text all that so hopefully we get the opportunity to talk tonight.

So tired of this anxious filled life I live.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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One thought on “Losing Control…

  1. thebumblingmama says:

    I have so much I could say – between I’ve never heard of going keto for anxiety – to I get the anxiety, and having different love languages. I also could throw out unsolicited advice… but who wants that? So instead – just know a stranger on the internet is sending you some positive vibes today 🙂 Hugs.

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