I’m Tired of Being Strong

Monday happened. And I’d like a redo.

God, this dreaded appointment. This dreaded doctors office. I am pretty sure I have been in that office more in the last 2 months than I have for all my pregnancies combined. Well, not really, but that’s what it feels like. Yet, here I was again. Trying to figure out answers like I had been for the past 3 months.

They called me back to get the ultrasound. I was super sad because it wasn’t the same ultrasound tech! At this point, I felt like I had bonded with the old one and she wasn’t there. Anyways, as we were walking back she told me that she was going to do an abdominal and vaginal ultrasound. I walked in the room and the big screen was on. I laid down to get the ultrasound and just instinctly turned my head towards the screen. I watched as she looked for my uterus and it was at that point it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just lost it. She was looking for my broken uterus instead of checking on my baby who should be 14 weeks. I was not prepared to see an “empty” ultrasound. Sure, I knew there wasn’t going to be a baby, but I can’t explain it. My emotions just took over. I feel like all I’ve done since I found out I was pregnant was cry. The ultrasound tech asked if there was anything she could do, and I said no. She asked if I wanted her to turn off the big screen, and I said no. I wanted to see if I could see my uterus. So, here I was…staring at my “empty” ultrasound…trying to be an ultrasound tech and find my uterus. Obviously I had no luck. I didn’t even know what I was looking for. It all looked the same to me. I just knew what wasn’t there…a baby with a little flicker of a heartbeat.

After about 10 minutes of taking pictures, she was done. They put me in a room and I waited for the doctor to come in. As soon as she walked in, I started crying. She didn’t even say a word and I lost it. I just knew she was going to give me bad news.

And that she did…

My uterus is completely in two pieces. I have a bicornuate uterus with a large septum. The septum is what splits the uterus in two. Scientifically, a septum is tissue that looks like an upside triangle that splits the uterus in two.

Uterine-Septum

So, what does this mean?

This means, that I can get pregnant, but unless the septum is fixed, it would more than likely result in a miscarriage. There is a very low chance that I could get pregnant and everything would be okay…because:

6 week old in septate uterus

With a septum in the uterus, there is less room for everything. It makes it hard for the placenta to attach and thrive, and the blood supply is really low. Hence, the baby itself cannot grow.

But, if all factors line up appropriately, it is possible to have a successful, yet risky pregnancy. This means that the egg would have to attach in just the right spot to the uterus in order to develop appropriately. The change of having preterm labor with a bicornuate uterus is very high because half of your uterus can only grow so big until it can’t grow anymore:

Bicornuate-Uterus

In a nutshell, my doctor recommended that if I want to have more kids then I would need surgery to correct the septum. My doctors do not perform the surgery. I would have to seek the help of an infertility specialist who would screen my history, run some tests, and perform the surgery. From what I understand, it’s actually pretty minor. I would maybe be down for a couple of days.

With all of this new information, I know the chances of me having another baby are slim to none and I’m having a really hard time dealing with that. Yes, I could go through with the surgery to correct my uterus, but I then become high risk and I will have to be monitored closely. I haven’t asked, but I would assume that means little to no exercise. For my sake and everyone around me, I need to exercise.

All of this might be different if I was trying for my first, or even second baby. But third…is it really worth it? Physically? Emotionally? Mentally? Financially? Is it really worth it? I’m unsure…

And Scott…I knew his mind would be made up. I didn’t even talk to him until that night about it. My appointment was during work hours, and after I had a couple of things to do and I needed to keep my shit together, so I just told him we would talk about it later, because if I talked about it, I was going to cry. After the kids went to bed, we talked about everything. As always, this man surprises me. For me, he’s keeping an open mind. I figured he would be a hard NO. But he wasn’t. He said we could talk about it a couple of months down the road and see how we both felt.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about it all. No decisions need to be made now, and for that, I’m thankful. But, I feel that we won’t have another baby based on all of this. I really don’t see us going through with all of this, just to have one more.

I feel so defeated after all of this. Absolutely defeated. I’m so angry that the decision to have another baby was made really difficult. It’s not really a matter of yes, let’s do it, or no, let’s no do it. Now, it’s a matter of, Do we have the money to go through with this? Do I really want to put myself through this? Can I be strong enough to get through this?

A lot of people tell me that I’m really strong. And to be quite honest, I am so tired of being strong. When Scott and I were talking about this, I told him this. I told him I was so tired of keeping my shit together and trying to be strong for myself and everyone else. When was someone going to be strong for me? When was I allowed to not be strong anymore and just be a human being that has lost 4 babies, and the potential to get pregnant again, and be mad about my god damn uterus?

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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2 thoughts on “I’m Tired of Being Strong

  1. Holly says:

    Came across your story after a google search. I myself have a septate uterus and a double cervix as well. I’m so sorry about your experience. I had an early miscarriage at 7 weeks. I knew already I had the septum so I was almost expecting it..which doesn’t make it any better though. My doctor says the surgery will be complex..and that I could try a few times more before we attempt surgery. It’s just a very hard decision! The surgery has risks but so does trying to get pregnant again. Some days I just constantly ask why. Prayers for you! ❤️

    • Keisha Tower says:

      I’m so sorry, Holly. I don’t wish this one anyone. It’s such a terrible feeling. Prayers for you as well!

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