Well, it’s next week.
And I still have pregnancy hormones. AKA my HCG levels are above 0.
So aggravating.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and they called me on Friday, around the same time as last week. “Hey Keisha, I just wanted to let you know that your HCG levels are a 33, so we will need you to come back in next week for another blood draw.”
Cool.
I was somewhat relieved they decreased. And they decreased a lot. That was a great thing for me. That means that my body was going to take care of everything. Hopefully I will just have to go in for this last blood draw and my levels will be back to zero.
I’m in a really bad funk.
I guess I know all of this is to blame. It’s just been such a long, drawn out process. But I hate to make excuses. I’m not in a bad mood, but I’m not in a great mood. I find myself staying pretty focused at work, which is a good thing. Normally when I get like this, my productivity is slim to none. My home life and social life are good. I’m just in a very blah mood.
My blah mood is affecting me really bad during CrossFit and I really, really hate it.
I know that sounds stupid, but the gym is my safe place. It’s my place where nothing is supposed to matter. It’s my place where for one hour, I get to not worry about anything. It’s my place where I can break a good sweat and relieve all of my pent up anger and stress.
Today, I didn’t even finish the workout. I didn’t even push myself. I got to a certain point and just said, “Fuck it.” I have NEVER quit a workout before. I might have slowed down if I wasn’t feeling it. Not today. With about 3 minutes left, I just decided to quit. That really bothers me.
I have found that with this pregnancy and miscarriage, it’s been hard for me to recover physically and mentally.
When I was pregnant this time, I had very minimal set backs in the gym. The main thing was I just ran out of breath really quick. I expected this because it was the same when I was pregnant with Briar. But, during the miscarriage and after the miscarriage, I am just not with it. My endurance is terrible. I’m sure that’s mostly a mental thing, but, nonetheless, I am struggling.
There are some specific movements that I used to be able to do fairly average and I literally cannot do them now…DOUBLE UNDERS. I’ve also been having a recurring shoulder issue (left deltoid). Today, we did strict presses and it hurt at my 50%.
You know how you just have those days…today was just one of those days.
Before I even made it to the gym, my anxiety was on high alert.
I hadn’t really felt super anxious like that in a long time. I know exactly what triggered it. Briar woke up about 4 times in the middle of the night last night. One time I had to hold her for an hour before I could put her back down in her bed. When it was time to get up for the day, I was already exhausted.
It’s just been so weird. Everything has been weird. Maybe I’m just searching too hard for normal. I have a therapy session tomorrow. Much needed, obviously…The last time I was there, she knew I was pregnant, but I was going to the doctor for the first time. So, I’ll get to rehash everything again tomorrow. I’m hoping she will help me see it in a different light.
I’m trying so hard to not let this miscarriage get the best of me, but it’s winning right now.
