Today, I had my follow up appointment for my miscarriage. I had been anxiously awaiting this appointment. This week went by so slow. I was just so ready to hear, “You are not pregnant,” so I could move on. I felt my body had taken care of everything, but I just wanted and needed that verbal confirmation.
Of course, I went in and had the same ultrasound tech. I’m sure at this point she just hates seeing me because she knows she is going to have to deliver bad news. She asked if I was tired of being here all the time with a small smile. I simply said, yes. So, another vaginal ultrasound commenced. I looked at the ceiling while my thoughts raced. I prayed that my body had taken care of everything. I prayed so hard. I felt like she was taking forever. I wasn’t sure if it was just me or not. Then, she said, “I need to push on your stomach, your bowels are in the way.” Hhmmm…okay….I had no idea what she was doing and I just hoped that she was being extra thorough and making sure that everything was gone. Whenever she was done she made the comment that she thought I wouldn’t be back in there for a while. GOOD. You know how the ultrasound techs aren’t supposed to tell you anything? She’s been pretty good at indirectly telling me stuff in the past. I took that as a sign that everything was gone. For the moment, I could breathe a little.
Now, onto waiting for the doctor. I just wanted the damn doctor to tell me I wasn’t pregnant. That’s it. My day was going to be made when she told me that. Finally, there was a knock at the door. She walked in and proceeded to read everything the ultrasound to me. She told me that my uterine lining appeared to be back to normal. GOOD. And that was about the only good thing she said. She immediately went into a concern with my uterus.
What in the actual fuck was going on? All I wanted you to do was tell me that I wasn’t pregnant. Now, I have a problem with my fucking uterus. I zoned out. I didn’t even want to hear anything she was about to say to me.
Apparently my uterus is splitting in two. The medical term is a bicornuate uterus. A normal uterus looks like a circle, or oval at the top. Mine looks like a heart. The reason the ultrasound tech was trying to move my bowels is so she could get a better look at the top of my uterus. My bowels were not cooperating, so guess what…I have to go back in 4 weeks for yet another ultrasound to assess the severity of my heart shaped uterus.
In the fog of all of this new information, I managed to ask, “What exactly does this mean?” In a nutshell, with my uterus in its current state, it would be very difficult for me to carry a pregnancy again. Depending on the severity, it could be fixable through surgery.
I was so sad. I started to cry. The doctor quickly reassured me that it could most likely be fixable and everything would be okay. It didn’t make anything any easier.
Throughout this whole journey, I have grieved over losing my fourth baby, but I’ve also grieved that it could potentially be my last pregnancy. I can’t explain it, but I’ve just always envisioned my family to have three kids. I feel greedy. I have two perfectly little babies at home, but I just want one more. I feel so selfish for wanting that. And I had just convinced Scott to keep an open mind about having a third baby. Now, with all of this new information, the risk may not outweigh the reward.
From all of the very general research I have done on a bicornuate uterus, it can be very risky to be pregnant with this condition. It could lead to preterm labor, I would have to be strictly monitored, I’m sure I couldn’t work out (biggest factor for me), it could stunt the babies growth, in several cases it leads to C-Sections because the baby doesn’t have enough room to be head down. Would I really want to put myself through 9 months of this just to have another baby? Clearly I can’t predict the future, but what if everything was okay? This would just be a blip on the map. But, what if everything wasn’t okay? I would have to live with my decision for the rest of my life, just because I wanted one more.
And, the doctor never told me I wasn’t pregnant. She basically insinuated that everything appeared to be back to normal, but they couldn’t rule out a “hidden pregnancy” in one of the horns of my uterus (again, why they wanted to see the top of my uterus). She sent me to get blood work done to test my HCG levels. They told me I would hear back from them the next day.
SO OVER THE WAITING…
Until next time…
–The Kentucky Momma