On January 18th, I found out I was going to miscarry for the third time. My heart was and still is shattered. I would not wish this feeling on anyone. It’s the absolute worst.
When I left the appointment, I just cried. My heart was so broken. For the most part, my boss was already aware of the situation, but I texted him and told him I wouldn’t be back in, but I would be in on Friday. He suggested that I take the day off and I told him I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sit at home and wait for things to happen. I’d much rather be at work and keep my mind somewhat occupied. I had to go back into the doctor’s office on Friday to get my Rhogam shot. If you have the RH- factor, you have to get this anytime you bleed during a pregnancy, you miscarry, if you are 28 weeks into your pregnancy, and sometimes when you give birth. I’ve had my fair share of them.
For the remainder of the day, I just sat at home. I wasn’t feeling terrible. I wasn’t bleeding anymore yet. I just sat there. My mind raced from all different directions about why this was happening again, how was this happening again? If it makes any sense at all, being at home alone in my quiet house, was so loud. I couldn’t wait for Scott and the kids to get home.
On the 19th, I rolled out of bed, hoping that more progress was made, but everything remained the same. I just wanted this to be over. I just wanted to get back to my normal. I was glad I went to work. My mind was productive. It felt much better than the prior day just sitting at home.
That evening when I got home, my mom called to bring something over and I asked her to bring her heating pad because my cramps had started to pick up. I was extremely glad I asked for this. Briar goes to bed around 7 every night and after I put her to bed, it all started. I started having legitimate labor pains. My back was on fire and my front was just a nonstop cramp. It was way worse than any period pains than I’d ever had. I was not prepared for this at all. My second miscarriage was over so quick. I literally bled for less than 24 hours and, yes, I had some cramping, but this, this was fucking terrible. I mean, I’ve had two kids naturally. This was for real contractions. On Thursday when I told the doctor I wanted to just miscarry naturally, she asked if I wanted any pain pills. I immediately said no, because I had been through it before, and it was nothing. Fuck, I wish I had gotten that prescription. I was just in so much pain. I just sat in the recliner with the heating pad and praying it would be over quick. Not much longer after that, I could feel the blood clots. It was definitely happening. About an hour later when I wasn’t getting any relief, I decided to get in the shower. I would have had to stay in there for eternity in order to get the relief I needed.
I got out of the shower and started to rummage through our medicine cabinet. Behold, I found a pain pill prescription from my first miscarriage, 4 years ago. I got dressed, I went back into the living room, got in the recliner, adjusted the heating pad on my stomach, and took that pill. In 30 minutes, I was out. I was so glad I had that damn pill. A couple house later, Scott woke me up and suggested we go to bed. I took the heating pad with me. I was still really out of it. I just laid in bed, I grabbed Scott’s hand, and then I feel asleep.
When I woke up the next day, the cramping was still there, but not as bad. The bleeding was just as bad, if not worse. I felt as though this was going to be an extremely long process. I told Scott I was pretty sure everything happened last night. There was really no way for me to know except for the way I felt and what my body went through.
I was really sad today because I felt like that might have been my last opportunity to have another baby. Scott has been so against having another kid. I wasn’t sure I was going to get another opportunity to have a planned pregnancy. I told Scott, if anything, this pregnancy solidified for me that I wanted another baby. I told him that we didn’t have to decide right now, or even this year, but I pleaded with him to keep an open mind. Without hesitation, he told me he would keep an open mind. That gave me so much relief and hope. I told him that maybe in a year, I wouldn’t want another baby. Mainly because I wouldn’t want to have to go through another miscarriage again.
We both tried to turn this really negative situation into something positive. 2017 took a lot out of Scott and I in terms of our relationship. 2017 was hard. Even prior to 2017, we were having a rough time. When I was pregnant with Briar, our relationship really started to crumble. We both decided that we needed to make a better effort for us this year. We have said it in the past, but we never act on it. We constantly put our relationship on the back burner because…life. Life happens. I hope this year is different. I hope we can both make an effort to make our relationship better. For the record, Scott and I are good right now. I think we both just want to get back to our fun, care free relationship. We caught a glimpse of that at the end of 2017. I think that’s how I ended up pregnant…being care free 🙂
Today is Monday, January 22. The bleeding is still very present. The cramps come and go. I suspect I’ll be bleeding for the better part of a week.
I go back to the doctor on January 25th for an ultrasound to make sure my body expelled everything. I feel that my body took care of everything. The verification will be bittersweet, but, in a sense, the closure I need.
I’m very sad this happened, but I refuse to let this set the tone for 2018. Hoping and praying for some positive stories soon.
Until next time…
–The Kentucky Momma