I’m Tired of Being Strong

Monday happened. And I’d like a redo.

God, this dreaded appointment. This dreaded doctors office. I am pretty sure I have been in that office more in the last 2 months than I have for all my pregnancies combined. Well, not really, but that’s what it feels like. Yet, here I was again. Trying to figure out answers like I had been for the past 3 months.

They called me back to get the ultrasound. I was super sad because it wasn’t the same ultrasound tech! At this point, I felt like I had bonded with the old one and she wasn’t there. Anyways, as we were walking back she told me that she was going to do an abdominal and vaginal ultrasound. I walked in the room and the big screen was on. I laid down to get the ultrasound and just instinctly turned my head towards the screen. I watched as she looked for my uterus and it was at that point it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just lost it. She was looking for my broken uterus instead of checking on my baby who should be 14 weeks. I was not prepared to see an “empty” ultrasound. Sure, I knew there wasn’t going to be a baby, but I can’t explain it. My emotions just took over. I feel like all I’ve done since I found out I was pregnant was cry. The ultrasound tech asked if there was anything she could do, and I said no. She asked if I wanted her to turn off the big screen, and I said no. I wanted to see if I could see my uterus. So, here I was…staring at my “empty” ultrasound…trying to be an ultrasound tech and find my uterus. Obviously I had no luck. I didn’t even know what I was looking for. It all looked the same to me. I just knew what wasn’t there…a baby with a little flicker of a heartbeat.

After about 10 minutes of taking pictures, she was done. They put me in a room and I waited for the doctor to come in. As soon as she walked in, I started crying. She didn’t even say a word and I lost it. I just knew she was going to give me bad news.

And that she did…

My uterus is completely in two pieces. I have a bicornuate uterus with a large septum. The septum is what splits the uterus in two. Scientifically, a septum is tissue that looks like an upside triangle that splits the uterus in two.

Uterine-Septum

So, what does this mean?

This means, that I can get pregnant, but unless the septum is fixed, it would more than likely result in a miscarriage. There is a very low chance that I could get pregnant and everything would be okay…because:

6 week old in septate uterus

With a septum in the uterus, there is less room for everything. It makes it hard for the placenta to attach and thrive, and the blood supply is really low. Hence, the baby itself cannot grow.

But, if all factors line up appropriately, it is possible to have a successful, yet risky pregnancy. This means that the egg would have to attach in just the right spot to the uterus in order to develop appropriately. The change of having preterm labor with a bicornuate uterus is very high because half of your uterus can only grow so big until it can’t grow anymore:

Bicornuate-Uterus

In a nutshell, my doctor recommended that if I want to have more kids then I would need surgery to correct the septum. My doctors do not perform the surgery. I would have to seek the help of an infertility specialist who would screen my history, run some tests, and perform the surgery. From what I understand, it’s actually pretty minor. I would maybe be down for a couple of days.

With all of this new information, I know the chances of me having another baby are slim to none and I’m having a really hard time dealing with that. Yes, I could go through with the surgery to correct my uterus, but I then become high risk and I will have to be monitored closely. I haven’t asked, but I would assume that means little to no exercise. For my sake and everyone around me, I need to exercise.

All of this might be different if I was trying for my first, or even second baby. But third…is it really worth it? Physically? Emotionally? Mentally? Financially? Is it really worth it? I’m unsure…

And Scott…I knew his mind would be made up. I didn’t even talk to him until that night about it. My appointment was during work hours, and after I had a couple of things to do and I needed to keep my shit together, so I just told him we would talk about it later, because if I talked about it, I was going to cry. After the kids went to bed, we talked about everything. As always, this man surprises me. For me, he’s keeping an open mind. I figured he would be a hard NO. But he wasn’t. He said we could talk about it a couple of months down the road and see how we both felt.

I honestly don’t know how I feel about it all. No decisions need to be made now, and for that, I’m thankful. But, I feel that we won’t have another baby based on all of this. I really don’t see us going through with all of this, just to have one more.

I feel so defeated after all of this. Absolutely defeated. I’m so angry that the decision to have another baby was made really difficult. It’s not really a matter of yes, let’s do it, or no, let’s no do it. Now, it’s a matter of, Do we have the money to go through with this? Do I really want to put myself through this? Can I be strong enough to get through this?

A lot of people tell me that I’m really strong. And to be quite honest, I am so tired of being strong. When Scott and I were talking about this, I told him this. I told him I was so tired of keeping my shit together and trying to be strong for myself and everyone else. When was someone going to be strong for me? When was I allowed to not be strong anymore and just be a human being that has lost 4 babies, and the potential to get pregnant again, and be mad about my god damn uterus?

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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Just Another Week in Paradise…

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last update on all of this blood work bullshit. I ended up having to go to get blood work done two other times. It went from a 33 to a 25 to a 3. And they still wanted me to come back. Nope. I was done. 4 weeks of getting poked was enough. I was ready to be done with this. At the point that I was a 3, like, get real, I’m not pregnant anymore.

Everything is a constant reminder that I’m not pregnant anymore. It’s hit me really hard this time. I try to suppress it because reliving it every day is not helpful either. I know that no one wants to hear about it, so I don’t really talk about it. I feel like a broken record talking to Scott about it. He tells me he doesn’t care, but I know he is tired of it.

I can’t remember what doctor appointment is was, but I was waiting to go back and a couple came out after a successful ultrasound and they were beaming. It brought tears to my eyes how happy they were. I was so happy for them, but I was so sad for me.

I got a reminder in my email that I was 12 weeks pregnant….thank you for that…

This miscarriage has just rocked my world.

I just want it to end. I want to feel okay.

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On Monday I go to the doctor to found out about my uterus. I’m not really looking forward to that unless they tell me they were wrong and my uterus is fine. I’m just over the bad news. I know, I’m have an EXTRA pity party for myself, but, I’m just done with the doctor this year and I’m done with the bad news.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

 

Briar is ONE!

In the midst of all things gloomy…

…we now have a ONE YEAR OLD!!

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As with most people, I have no idea where the past year went. It was a hard one, that’s for sure. For me, the main factors that made it hard were going back to work at 6 weeks, breastfeeding, no consistent sleep until she was 6 months old, breastfeeding, pumping, breastfeeding, getting pregnant with a new baby and losing the baby all before she turned 1, and breastfeeding….

At this point, I have finished breastfeeding. It wasn’t intentional, but the last time I nursed her was her 1st birthday. I was going through the miscarriage, I was ready for my body to get back to normal, I was so over pumping, I had enough milk to last a couple more weeks until we fully transitioned over to an alternate milk, I had ultimately met my breastfeeding goal of 1 year. I was just done. So, after I nursed her and laid her in her crib, and walked out of her room, I just decided that was it. The next night and every night after that she has been perfectly fine. It was like I didn’t even nurse her EVERY SINGLE NIGHT FOR ONE ENTIRE YEAR. February 6th was her last day of breast milk. We had been half breast milk and half of an alternate milk for about 1 month before.

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Briar’s Last Bag of Milk

When she was 11 months she started taking some step here and there, and it wasn’t much longer after that until she was full on walking. She was walking by her 1st birthday, 2 months faster than Raelynn. I love that she is mobile now and can walk around on her own. It makes my life a million times easier. I mean, she is still mama’s girl and wants me to hold her constantly, but at least I can get somewhat of a break.

She still only has her two bottom teeth. She spouted those around 9 months and there is nothing else that even looks like it’s about to break the skin anytime soon. My nipples appreciated that.

For the moment, Briar’s constipation problems have eased. Giving her baby food prunes consistently every single day have helped. Literally if we miss one single day, she is backed up again. I have no idea what I’m going to do to get her off the prunes. She might be eating baby food prunes until she is 10. The doctor suggested that we could go ahead and start giving her miralax, but I really do not want to start doing that. I have no idea how we are ever going to wean Raelynn off of that. Same issue with Raelynn, if she misses one day of miralax, she backs up and it’s really bad. I’ve been having to give her suppositories lately which is not fun at all.

We had a lot of sickness in month 12. Basically after Christmas, all 4 of us were sick. nothing major, just not feeling good, congested, runny noses. And it’s never really went away. I’ve had to take Raelynn and Briar to the doctor multiple times this month, but it was never anything serious. I actually ended up having to take Briar to the immediate care one time. She was exhibiting flu like symptoms and there is basically a flu pandemic right now so I was scared to death. The flu is killing everyone left and right, so I didn’t hesitate to take her to immediate care. They said it was probably something viral, which I was extremely thankful for. I have found this medicine that I started giving both of the girls. It’s just an immunity booster. I get it from the same place I get my protein from. I would like to think it helps them. And I’ll continue to give it to them throughout these winter-sick months.

That’s all I got for now…

Until next time…

—The Kentucky Momma

It’s next week…

Well, it’s next week.

And I still have pregnancy hormones.

So aggravating.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and they called me on Friday, around the same time as last week. “Hey Keisha, I just wanted to let you know that your HCG levels are a 33, so we will need you to come back in next week for another blood draw.”

Cool.

I was somewhat relieved they decreased. And they decreased a lot. That was a great thing for me. That means that my body was going to take care of everything. Hopefully I will just have to go in for this last blood draw and my levels will be back to zero.

I’m in a really bad funk. I guess all of this is to blame. It’s just been such a long, drawn out process. But I hate to make excuses. I’m not in a bad mood, but I’m not in a great mood. I find myself staying pretty focused at work, which is a good thing. Normally when I get like this, my productivity is slim to none. My home life and social life are good. I’m just in a very blah mood.

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My blah mood is affecting me really bad in the gym and I really, really hate it. I know that sounds stupid, but the gym is my safe place. It’s my place where nothing is supposed to matter. It’s my place where for one hour, I get to not worry about anything. It’s my place where I can break a good sweat and relieve all of my pent up anger and stress.

Today, I didn’t even finish the workout. I didn’t even push myself. I got to a certain point and just said, “Fuck it.” I have NEVER quit a workout before. I might have slowed down if I wasn’t feeling it. Not today. With about 3 minutes left, I just decided to quit. That really bothers me.

I have found that with this pregnancy and miscarriage, it’s been hard for me to recover physically and mentally. When I was pregnant this time, I had very minimal set backs in the gym. The main thing was I just ran out of breath really quick. I expected this because it was the same when I was pregnant with Briar. But, during the miscarriage and after the miscarriage, I am just not with it. My endurance is terrible. I’m sure that’s mostly a mental thing, but, nonetheless, I am struggling. There are some specific movements that I used to be able to do fairly average and I literally cannot do them now…DOUBLE UNDERS. I’ve also been having a recurring shoulder issue (left deltoid). Today, we did strict presses and it hurt at my 50%.

You know how you just have those days…today was just one of those days. Before I even made it to the gym, my anxiety was on high alert. I hadn’t really felt super anxious like that in a long time. I know exactly what triggered it. Briar woke up about 4 times in the middle of the night last night. One time I had to hold her for an hour before I could put her back down in her bed. When it was time to get up for the day, I was already exhausted.

It’s just been so weird. Everything has been weird. Maybe I’m just searching too hard for normal. I have a therapy session tomorrow. Much needed, obviously…The last time I was there, she knew I was pregnant, but I was going to the doctor for the first time. So, I’ll get to rehash everything again tomorrow. I’m hoping she will help me see it in a different light.

I’m trying so hard to not let this miscarriage get the best of me, but it’s winning right now.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Just A Waiting Game…

The day of my doctor appointment, I was actually off work. Briar had a well check that morning, then I had my appointment, and then I had a massage scheduled for a little later in the day. While I waited for my massage, I asked Scott to go to lunch with me so I could fill him in on the doctor appointment.

When we sat down, I just started talking and crying and giving all of the what-if scenarios and I felt like I didn’t stop talking/crying/blubbering for about 15 minutes straight. When I finally stopped, he looked at me, and with absolute calmness and sincerity, said, “You need to chill out. I realize you are going through a lot right now, but we have to handle this one thing at a time.” Obviously, I knew he was right, but my mind couldn’t stop racing. I knew we needed to take this one step at a time. It was just hard. Even as I sit here and write this, I can instantly go back to that day, sitting at the table with Scott and feeling my mind racing, my heart racing, the tears on my face. It’s just so much to handle. It’s so much to take in.

And all I wanted to hear was that I wasn’t pregnant. Touche.

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The next day, Friday, rolled around and my anxiety was super high all day. I was supposed to get the results of my HCG levels this afternoon. I tried to be productive all day to keep my mind off things. But my phone remained glued to me all day; constantly glancing at it to see if I had missed the call. Finally, while I was in an afternoon meeting, my phone rang. I about flipped out of my chair trying to walk out of the conference room to answer my phone in time. It was the OB Nurse. “Hi Keisha, I’m just calling to let you know that your HCG levels are 243. So we will need you to come back next week to get your blood drawn again.” My heart sank. All I could manage to get out was a measly, “Okay.”

At this point, I’m beyond frustrated. All of the waiting. All of the poking and prodding. I’m just so ready to move on. I just feel like this is never ending. My HCG levels of 243 really mean nothing. I don’t know what they were before, but I’m assuming they were much higher. I have now been educated that it can take 4-6 weeks for your HCG levels to return to 0. Basically, I will have to go back weekly until my levels return to 0. So for the next week, I am wishfully thinking they will drop to 0, but if anything, I’m just hoping they drop. I will probably lose my mind if they don’t drop.  When I went through my second miscarriage, they dropped to 0 in less that 48 hours, so I didn’t have to go through this mess. But, I was a lot further along this time, so I guess it makes sense.

Until next week, maybe??

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Another set back…

Today, I had my follow up appointment for my miscarriage. I had been anxiously awaiting this appointment. This week went by so slow. I was just so ready to hear, “You are not pregnant,” so I could move on. I felt my body had taken care of everything, but I just wanted and needed that verbal confirmation.

Of course, I went in and had the same ultrasound tech. I’m sure at this point she just hates seeing me because she knows she is going to have to deliver bad news. She asked if I was tired of being here all the time with a small smile. I simply said, yes. So, another vaginal ultrasound commenced. I looked at the ceiling while my thoughts raced. I prayed that my body had taken care of everything. I prayed so hard. I felt like she was taking forever. I wasn’t sure if it was just me or not. Then, she said, “I need to push on your stomach, your bowels are in the way.” Hhmmm…okay….I had no idea what she was doing and I just hoped that she was being extra thorough and making sure that everything was gone. Whenever she was done she made the comment that she thought I wouldn’t be back in there for a while. GOOD. You know how the ultrasound techs aren’t supposed to tell you anything? She’s been pretty good at indirectly telling me stuff in the past. I took that as a sign that everything was gone. For the moment, I could breathe a little.

Now, onto waiting for the doctor. I just wanted the damn doctor to tell me I wasn’t pregnant. That’s it. My day was going to be made when she told me that. Finally, there was a knock at the door. She walked in and proceeded to read everything the ultrasound to me. She told me that my uterine lining appeared to be back to normal. GOOD. And that was about the only good thing she said. She immediately went into a concern with my uterus.

What in the actual fuck was going on? All I wanted you to do was tell me that I wasn’t pregnant. Now, I have a problem with my fucking uterus. I zoned out. I didn’t even want to hear anything she was about to say to me.

Apparently my uterus is splitting in two. The medical term is a bicornuate uterus. A normal uterus looks like a circle, or oval at the top. Mine looks like a heart. The reason the ultrasound tech was trying to move my bowels is so she could get a better look at the top of my uterus. My bowels were not cooperating, so guess what…I have to go back in 4 weeks for yet another ultrasound to assess the severity of my heart shaped uterus.

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In the fog of all of this new information, I managed to ask, “What exactly does this mean?” In a nutshell, with my uterus in its current state, it would be very difficult for me to carry a pregnancy again. Depending on the severity, it could be fixable through surgery.

I was so sad. I started to cry. The doctor quickly reassured me that it could most likely be fixable and everything would be okay. It didn’t make anything any easier.

Throughout this whole journey, I have grieved over losing my fourth baby, but I’ve also grieved that it could potentially be my last pregnancy. I can’t explain it, but I’ve just always envisioned my family to have three kids. I feel greedy. I have two perfectly little babies at home, but I just want one more. I feel so selfish for wanting that. And I had just convinced Scott to keep an open mind about having a third baby. Now, with all of this new information, the risk may not outweigh the reward.

From all of the very general research I have done on a bicornuate uterus, it can be very risky to be pregnant with this condition. It could lead to preterm labor, I would have to be strictly monitored, I’m sure I couldn’t work out (biggest factor for me), it could stunt the babies growth, in several cases it leads to C-Sections because the baby doesn’t have enough room to be head down. Would I really want to put myself through 9 months of this just to have another baby? Clearly I can’t predict the future, but what if everything was okay? This would just be a blip on the map. But, what if everything wasn’t okay? I would have to live with my decision for the rest of my life, just because I wanted one more.

And, the doctor never told me I wasn’t pregnant. She basically insinuated that everything appeared to be back to normal, but they couldn’t rule out a “hidden pregnancy” in one of the horns of my uterus (again, why they wanted to see the top of my uterus). She sent me to get blood work done to test my HCG levels. They told me I would hear back from them the next day.

MORE WAITING…

SO OVER THE WAITING…

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

 

 

My Third Miscarriage

On January 18th, I found out I was going to miscarry for the third time. My heart was and still is shattered. I would not wish this feeling on anyone. It’s the absolute worst.

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When I left the appointment, I just cried. My heart was so broken. For the most part, my boss was already aware of the situation, but I texted him and told him I wouldn’t be back in, but I would be in on Friday. He suggested that I take the day off and I told him I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sit at home and wait for things to happen. I’d much rather be at work and keep my mind somewhat occupied. I had to go back into the doctor’s office on Friday to get my Rhogam shot. If you have the RH- factor, you have to get this anytime you bleed during a pregnancy, you miscarry, if you are 28 weeks into your pregnancy, and sometimes when you give birth. I’ve had my fair share of them.

For the remainder of the day, I just sat at home. I wasn’t feeling terrible. I wasn’t bleeding anymore yet. I just sat there. My mind raced from all different directions about why this was happening again, how was this happening again? If it makes any sense at all, being at home alone in my quiet house, was so loud. I couldn’t wait for Scott and the kids to get home.

On the 19th, I rolled out of bed, hoping that more progress was made, but everything remained the same. I just wanted this to be over. I just wanted to get back to my normal. I was glad I went to work. My mind was productive. It felt much better than the prior day just sitting at home.

That evening when I got home, my mom called to bring something over and I asked her to bring her heating pad because my cramps had started to pick up. I was extremely glad I asked for this. Briar goes to bed around 7 every night and after I put her to bed, it all started. I started having legitimate labor pains. My back was on fire and my front was just a nonstop cramp. It was way worse than any period pains than I’d ever had. I was not prepared for this at all. My second miscarriage was over so quick. I literally bled for less than 24 hours and, yes, I had some cramping, but this, this was fucking terrible. I mean, I’ve had two kids naturally. This was for real contractions. On Thursday when I told the doctor I wanted to just miscarry naturally, she asked if I wanted any pain pills. I immediately said no, because I had been through it before, and it was nothing. Fuck, I wish I had gotten that prescription. I was just in so much pain. I just sat in the recliner with the heating pad and praying it would be over quick. Not much longer after that, I could feel the blood clots. It was definitely happening. About an hour later when I wasn’t getting any relief, I decided to get in the shower. I would have had to stay in there for eternity in order to get the relief I needed.

I got out of the shower and started to rummage through our medicine cabinet. Behold, I found a pain pill prescription from my first miscarriage, 4 years ago. I got dressed, I went back into the living room, got in the recliner, adjusted the heating pad on my stomach, and took that pill. In 30 minutes, I was out. I was so glad I had that damn pill. A couple house later, Scott woke me up and suggested we go to bed. I took the heating pad with me. I was still really out of it. I just laid in bed, I grabbed Scott’s hand, and then I feel asleep.

When I woke up the next day, the cramping was still there, but not as bad. The bleeding was just as bad, if not worse. I felt as though this was going to be an extremely long process. I told Scott I was pretty sure everything happened last night. There was really no way for me to know except for the way I felt and what my body went through.

I was really sad today because I felt like that might have been my last opportunity to have another baby. Scott has been so against having another kid. I wasn’t sure I was going to get another opportunity to have a planned pregnancy. I told Scott, if anything, this pregnancy solidified for me that I wanted another baby. I told him that we didn’t have to decide right now, or even this year, but I pleaded with him to keep an open mind. Without hesitation, he told me he would keep an open mind. That gave me so much relief and hope. I told him that maybe in a year, I wouldn’t want another baby. Mainly because I wouldn’t want to have to go through another miscarriage again.

We both tried to turn this really negative situation into something positive. 2017 took a lot out of Scott and I in terms of our relationship. 2017 was hard. Even prior to 2017, we were having a rough time. When I was pregnant with Briar, our relationship really started to crumble. We both decided that we needed to make a better effort for us this year. We have said it in the past, but we never act on it. We constantly put our relationship on the back burner because…life. Life happens. I hope this year is different. I hope we can both make an effort to make our relationship better. For the record, Scott and I are good right now. I think we both just want to get back to our fun, care free relationship. We caught a glimpse of that at the end of 2017. I think that’s how I ended up pregnant…being care free 🙂

Today is Monday, January 22. The bleeding is still very present. The cramps come and go. I suspect I’ll be bleeding for the better part of a week.

I go back to the doctor on January 25th for an ultrasound to make sure my body expelled everything. I feel that my body took care of everything. The verification will be bittersweet, but, in a sense, the closure I need.

I’m very sad this happened, but I refuse to let this set the tone for 2018. Hoping and praying for some positive stories soon.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Week ???

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It doesn’t even matter what week it is anymore.

For the third time, THIRD TIME…I’m having a miscarriage.

I can’t even comprehend what life is right now.

I simply cannot believe I am going through this yet again.

On January 16th, I started spotting at work. It was brown, and it was only when I wiped. It wasn’t even transferring to a pad. Obviously my first thought was miscarriage. But then I had to take a step back and remember the subchoronic bleed. I knew this could happen. I just wasn’t prepared for it so quickly after my appointment. Literally 6 days after my first appointment. Still, it wasn’t bad, so I wasn’t going to let it consume my thoughts.

The next day, January 17th, I woke up and it was almost gone. Okay. Great. During work, I started to feel a little crampy. I knew cramping wasn’t a good sign. I did my best to remain calm and stay focused on work. Before I left for the day, I went to the bathroom and wiped, and…the blood was now pink. Still not transferring to a pad at all, but concerning that the color changed. I called the OB before I left for the day. Basically just letting them know everything that was going on. They said to call back if the blood turned red, if I started to see clots, or if I started cramping really bad.

That night I started cramping really, really bad. But, it was in my back. It instantly reminded me of the back labor I had with Briar. It felt the exact same way. My bleeding turned from pink to red and it picked up a little bit. It was now transferring to the pad, but nothing to be overly concerned about. At one point during the middle of the night I woke up and I started having the back cramping again. It was so freaking uncomfortable. I knew I had to be bleeding more, so I got up and checked. Nope. Still about the same.

I got up on January 18th and got ready for work. My cramping has ceased for the most part, but the bleeding was about the same. I already decided I was going to call the doctor for the simple fact of my blood being red now. They wanted to see me as soon as possible given my current conditions, history, etc. They scheduled me an ultrasound for 10:30 that morning, but I wouldn’t see a doctor until around noon. For that reason, I told Scott not to worry about coming because I felt like I would know right away when I got the ultrasound done. He asked multiple times if he needed to come and I told him no. I guess I didn’t feel like anything super terrible was going to happen. I was really calm. Which was weird. And not me.

When I got there, I was almost immediately taken back. The poor ultrasound tech probably hates seeing me. It’s the same one for all 5 pregnancies. She’s super nice. I am assuming she was aware of why I was there because there is a big screen that I can see and it was turned off and it’s normally on. I had to get a transvaginal ultrasound. She told me that she was going to take all of her measurements and then she would turn her screen towards me so I could see. I looked at her face when she started clicking away on her machine and I could just tell it was bad. I looked away and tried to occupy my mind with something…anything…and nothing…I looked at her face again and it just solidified that it was bad. I could just tell. I’m sure it was probably about 2 minutes, but it felt like 20 minutes had passed. She finally turned the screen around, showed me the sac, showed me the baby, but explained to me there was no heartbeat. My calmness was gone. My composure was gone. I just let the tears flow. I couldn’t and still can’t believe this is happening again. I just saw a baby with a heartbeat 8 days again. 8 DAYS AGO. In 8 days, my baby died.

I have lost my fourth baby. I now have four little angels in heaven. I cannot believe this.

Now, I had to wait for an hour until I talked to the doctor. I already knew what the doctor was going to say so I was just pissed that I had to be there even longer. During this time, I took the time to tell everyone that knew I was pregnant that I was losing the baby. My emotions were there and present, so I just wanted to get it over with as opposed to waiting for later while I was at home with my kids.

I waited, and cried, and waited, and cried until the doctor finally came in. She made sure I was aware the baby’s heart had stopped beating which means I am going to miscarry. She explained to me my options, miscarry naturally, get a pill prescribed that would help speed up my miscarriage, or get a D&C. For the moment, I am hoping and praying that my body will take care of this pregnancy naturally. She said it could take up to a week. And if it hasn’t happened in a week or so, then I will need to select a different option. I really don’t want to have a D&C purely for money purposes. It’s so expensive.

I was okay through the majority of the conversation, but I wanted to ask a question that I knew I wasn’t going to get a good enough answer to.

WHY? WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME? Of course, I lost it. I couldn’t even get the question out. I reiterated to her that I knew miscarriages happen all the time, and I knew I was considered lucky because I’ve had 2 successful pregnancies, and I knew I wasn’t considered high risk, but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? I took my prenatals and I took my progesterone. WHY?

She told me at this point since I’ve had 3 miscarriages, that I could be a candidate to get some testing done. The testing would be done about 6 weeks after it’s confirmed that I miscarried. It’s something I might consider.

Today, I am just really struggling with the fact that this is happening again. I know this happens all the time, but I just can’t believe it.

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Week 7….or is it…Part 2

In other news this week, it was actually a good week given the doctor appointment that left me feeling uneasy.

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Scott and I were actually starting to be happy about our unexpected baby. We were talking about the future and how crazy our lives would be, but we said it with a smile. It was nice to be able to breathe just a little and enjoy this small moment of hope that everything was going to be okay. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I’m sure God will show me the reason for this baby coming into our lives.

This upcoming weekend, we are supposed to be going out for my 30th birthday. My friend, Ronnie, and I have birthdays that are really close together and we have been talking about doing a joint 30th birthday for a really long time. Unbeknownst to any of us, I would unexpectedly end up pregnant for this occasion. Scott and I decided since I was going to the doctor and we would have some type of answer, we would go ahead and tell all of our friends and family.

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Everyone was really surprised and overall happy for us.

26 year old me would have been really upset and pissed that I couldn’t go out for my birthday and get drunk with all my friends. 30 year old me was really happy that I wasn’t hungover the next day! LOL. Now don’t get me wrong, I would have LOVED to go out and hang out with all my friends because we are never together all at the same time, because, life. BUT, I was really happy I wasn’t hungover the next day.

Crossfit this week…

Monday, January 8

MetCon – time was 29:25
500KB Swings
500KB Swings for time
#53/35

Tuesday, January 9

Strength – worked off of my max of 275# – did not make it to my 90%
Deadlifts
10 @ 50%
8 @ 60%
6 @ 70%
3 @ 80%
2×2 @ 90%

MetCon B

Partners – I didn’t have a partner. This sucked. Burpee Pullups are not fun at all. 111 reps
1 Works – 1 Waits
3RFR
2min – 15Cal Row
2min – 10 Burpee Pullups
2min – 5 Thrusters #115/85

Wednesday, January 10

Strength – this day was a HUGE HUGE HUGE success. I was not expecting to hit a new 1RM on either of these. And I did!

Snatch – New max = 100# Finally 3 digits!
1 rep max Snatch
1 X 1

Clean And Jerk Max = 140# – I actually cleaned 145# and I could finish the Jerk. Still happy with 140# new 1RM
Clean and Jerk
1 X 1

Thursday, January 11

Strength – worked off my max of 190#
Front Squats
4 x 5 @ 80%

MetCon
20min AMRAP. This sucked. Really bad. My score was only 4+2. I did not do C2B, I only did pullups
25′ OH walking lunge #45/35
8 Burpees
25′ OH walking lunge #45/35
8 chest to bar pullups

Friday, January 12

Strength
20 minutes of bar work:
Focus on the highest level that you are working at: pullups/chest 2 bar/MU

MetCon
6RFT *20min Cap – score was 12:19
10 – Hang Cleans #115/85
15 – Wallballs #20/14

Until next week…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Week 7…or is it…Part 1

This week is the week that we’ve been waiting for.

And behold…we have a baby with a heartbeat.

The appointment overall was a little uneasy for me and I’ll explain why.

Whenever I went in on January 10th, according to my last missed period, I would have been 8 weeks. According to date of conception it was 7 weeks 4 days.

I actually felt really good about the appointment. I wasn’t nervous or anxious. I was really okay.

The ultrasound tech proceeded with an abdominal ultrasound first. She immediately made the comment that I was really early in the pregnancy. To date, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten an ultrasound before 8 weeks, so that was true. But everything did look really small. Like, really, really small. I couldn’t even make anything out on the ultrasound. I could tell there was a sac, but I couldn’t tell really tell if there was something in it. To be clear, I could see something in the sac, I just has no idea what it was. It just looked like a blob.

So, she quickly suggested that we do a transvaginal ultrasound. I was happy to oblige. At this point I started to get nervous. All the bad thoughts were popping my head. I turned to Scott and I told him I wasn’t sure how good this would end. He just reassured me that everything was going to be okay. Overall, my demeanor was still very calm. I was really surprised at how well I was maintaining my composure.

I really don’t know how else to say this, but when she was “in”..LOL…I still couldn’t see anything. Then I realized she was doing other measurements of other things. When she finally got to the sac, I could see the baby and a little flicker where the heart was. For some reason I still did not feel relieved. This didn’t look like any of my other ultrasounds at all. Then she told me how far along I was measuring…6 weeks and 4 days. I was shocked and still as I write this, I have no idea how it’s possible.

A little insight…

On my previous 4 pregnancies, I am fertile and ovulate the day after my period. So, I ovulate extremely early compared to most people. All facts considered, I was probably around 40ish weeks with my two successful pregnancies as opposed to 38 weeks because I ovulate so early. Even with the unsuccessful pregnancies, I got pregnant the day after my period.

The first day of my last period was November 15. My period lasted for about 5 days. The only possible time this baby was conceived was December 3rd. First of all, that’s not the day after my period stopped, so flag number 1. Based on the conception date, I ovulated one entire week AFTER we had sex? What type of sense does this make? I was and still am so confused.

Because I am a factual person and none of the above makes sense at all, I am convinced something is not okay. I have been correct on my dates all other times, so why would it be different this time?

Yes, I get it. Every pregnancy is different. But, it just doesn’t make sense. IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

Moving on…

After the ultrasound, we go and talk to the doctor. She assures me that everything is fine and my dates are just off and I have no reason to worry. We have a baby with a healthy heartbeat for 6 weeks and 4 days. Not easing my concern, I just moved on from the subject. She then told me there was something she wanted me to look at. I have a subchorionic bleed by the baby. If you look at the left ultrasound picture you will see a big black space to the right of the baby. That’s it. It’s apparently really common in the first trimester and poses no threat to myself or the baby. Basically It’s a sac of blood in your uterus. It goes away one of two ways, the body reabsorbs it, or you bleed it out. So if I were to bleed, it wouldn’t necessarily mean I’m having a miscarriage. It could be this subchorionic bleed going away. So, I’m at least glad that I know about it. She wants me to come back in in 2 weeks to see if the baby is growing appropriately and to keep an eye on the bleed. I will get another ultrasound and another doctor visit. I’m happy about this.

Now I’m in another waiting period to see if everything is okay again. I know I should be happy that we saw a baby and saw and heard the heartbeat, but my anxious self can’t get away from the fact that something is going to go wrong. I’m a worrier by nature. I just want everything to be okay. I just want a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy.

Until next week…

 

–The Kentucky Momma