For the 5th time, I’m pregnant.
But for the first time, it’s unexpected.
And I’m a ball of fucking emotions for several reasons.
First of all, this was not planned. We were not prepared for this at all. In particular, I was not prepared for this and, for the moment, it’s for extremely selfish reasons. . I am almost 11 months post partum and I’m just about to get my life back from breastfeeding. I am still nursing Briar and the light was at the end of the tunnel for me. Breastfeeding has been so hard with Briar. I was so looking forward to not living by the pump every 3 hours while I was at work. I was looking forward to be able to enjoy a night out and not worry about pumping at night or in the morning.
Second of all, we are in no shape, financially, to have another child. Ever since we’ve had Briar, we have majorly struggled financially and there have been a couple of contributing factors to this. Scott made about $10,000 less this year. There was nothing he could do about it. Our daycare bill doubled. I think we were more mentally prepared for this then financially. I had my last student loan that became due. In order to stay ahead for the year, we have completely depleted our savings account. We literally have no backup money at all, and we cannot stay ahead of the game. Our savings account ran out in November. So we are really starting to feel the effects of it now. We do not make enough money to cover our monthly bills, and this is not a joke. So, for the moment, I cannot even fathom how we are going to afford another child.
Third… I’m scared I’m going to miscarry. Even though this child was the most unexpected surprise, I would never want to lose it. I just have a really weird feeling. I can’t explain it.
So, how did I find out…
It was Saturday, December 16th. I had a feeling I was pregnant. I had a pregnancy test, so I took it. It was almost immediately positive, but the line was pretty faint. But, nonetheless it was positive.
The first one is the first test I took. I took the second a couple of days later and there was obviously no doubt at this point that I was pregnant.
I instantly felt sick to my stomach when I saw the positive test. I was legitimately freaking the fuck out. I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. And Scott was not home. I was DREADING telling Scott. I knew he was going to flip out. I just knew he was. He has been so adamant about not having another kid. He was going to lose his shit. I texted him to see if he was almost home and he was. A couple minutes later I saw him walking up the driveway. I took a deep breath and the door swung open. He talked to the girls for a second then walked up to me, and I said, “I have to tell you something.” He said, “What? Just get it over with and tell me….” I felt he was kinda mad. So, I said, “I’m pregnant.” Y’all…he for real lit up and said, “Are you serious?”, with a big smile. I instantly broke down. I think just verbally saying it out loud and obviously to Scott just made everything so real. I was happy he was not mad.
He kept asking why I was crying. Was it a good cry or a bad cry? I just kept saying that I wasn’t ready yet. And I couldn’t believe that we put ourselves in this position. He just kept hugging me and reassuring me that we would make everything work. We talked very briefly about all the points I mentioned above. For the most part, he agreed.
It still doesn’t feel real. Briar isn’t even 1 yet. Which means she will not even be 2 when this new baby is born. And Raelynn will barely be 4. Actually, this baby’s due date would be right around Raelynn’s birthday. I mean, I just clearly know how to plan this shit out.
I know all of this will work itself out, no matter how it plays out. I know that God will not give me anything I can’t handle, but shit. I feel like I’ve been thrown for a loop this year.
Until next time…
–The Kentucky Momma