A N X I E T Y

My anxiety is in OVERDRIVE…

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The main trigger – Raelynn started soccer.

And I feel like such an asshole mom that this triggered my anxiety. I should be so excited that Raelynn started a sport. And I literally dread it.

It’s simple really. My schedule is changed and it literally fucked my whole world up. And it didn’t even change that much. But that small change and completed fucked up everything. Really, just me. Because the world is still turning and life is still happening as normal and I am just fucked up.

Our normal evening schedule is Scott and I get home between 5pm and 5:30pm. Briar goes to bed at 7pm, Raelynn goes to bed at 8:30pm. Before Briar goes to bed, we usually try to get Raelynn and Briar fed dinner. Just focusing on them to, it’s balls to wall. There is no time to do anything else but entertain them, feed them, make them happy, play with them. It’s just a lot.

So, the point of this, we are gone from the house from around 6- 8. As soon as we get home, we try to give Rae a little something and I fix Briar’s solids. I feed Briar at the field. When we get home, I rush to get Briar changed and settled down, nurse her, and put her to bed. Then it’s dealing with Raelynn saying she’s hungry and thirsty and wants cartoons. We try to limit her food and drink intake about an hour before bed time since she is potty trained. This makes a big difference for her not having accidents.

Obviously on soccer days, by the time both kids are down, I’m fucking beat. I do not want to do anything. And after both kids go to bed, I have a laundry list of things to do. I get Briar’s milk and solids ready for the next day, I get my gym bag ready, I try to do dishes or some laundry. I literally feel like if I sit and relax for one night, the list just continues to build. It drives me crazy.

I know, I’m fucking crazy, right? All I can say is that I wish I was not like this. I don’t wish this feeling on anyone.

My anxiety is triggering other areas of my life. My focus is non-existent in all areas. I feel like I cannot focus on anything. As I’m sure you’ve read, work has been super stressful, but I know I’m magnifying it because I cannot focus at all at work. I will start on something and get pulled in a different direction and then forget what I was doing and then get pulled into something else, then get a call that I need to take, it’s just a cluster fuck. I get to the point where I get so incredibly overwhelmed, that I just sit at my desk. Sometimes I cry because I feel like a piece of shit for not being able to sort out my thoughts and get my shit together.

On top of this, I thought I was personally having health issues, but it turns out, I’m okay.

For about the past month, I have been experiencing some pretty severe joint pain. Literally every single joint, my ankles, my knees, shoulders, wrists. It’s terrible. Whenever I work out, I actually feel good because I’m warmed up, but after, I stiffen up quickly.  My initial thought was I had to be calcium deficient. That was the only thing I could think of that actually changed in the past couple of months, besides me having a baby. Plus, it just made sense, especially with me cutting dairy from my diet. I didn’t want to assume this was the cause, so I decided to go get blood work done. I told the doctor that I had hit my deductible for the year, so run anything and everything on me. She did a complete blood panel and tested for a trillion different things. Only to find out that everything was normal. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that everything is okay, I guess I was just looking for an answer.

For the first time in my life, I have actually considered talking to my therapist about anxiety meds. I am not happy that it’s come to this. I still don’t think I will actually pull the trigger and take them. I hate taking medicine in general. And I just don’t think I actually NEED anxiety meds. I just feel like, there are other options, but, I’m at the point where I have exhausted all other options and I’m still bat shit crazy. So, what else do I do? I feel like meds are the next answer.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning. My appointment always seems to be perfectly timed. I’m sure my therapist is not looking forward to another bitching session.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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