We Skipped Naps. And No One Died.

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For real. This happened. And for anyone that knows me, knows this is huge.

I get it, it sounds so fucking dumb. But I am a creature of habit. I thrive on a schedule. And for me to break a schedule purposely…that’s a big freaking deal.

First of all, I don’t even know what my life is lately. We are so so so so so busy. It’s ridiculous. We have seriously been non-stop for months, it feels like. Our free time has become even more limited in the past two weeks with Raelynn’s soccer. Just two more days out of the week where nothing gets accomplished. We have a mound of laundry (that is at least clean), that needs to be folded. The mound on the couch just keeps growing and growing and growing. So many dishes….So many bottles…….so many pump parts that all need to be cleaned. Meal prepping has been put on hold because there is literally zero time to prep meals right now. So many events on the weekends…we have just been living a very abnormal life right now.

This past Saturday, Scott and I had both had plans separately. Then on Sunday, we had plans together with the girls. On Sunday, we were going to a Food Truck and Craft Beer Festival. It was from 12pm – 6pm. Normally, we would wait to go until after the girls nap around 3pm. But, I didn’t really want to wait that long to go and then have to rush through everything. So, I said fuck it. We are skipping the naps today. Of course, I didn’t arrive at the decision that easily. Hell no. I contemplated over it for a week. Literally, a week. And I envisioned all of the worst case scenarios that could happen. What are the worst case scenarios? My children would cry and scream. Because no other child on the face of this earth has ever done that, right? I mean, I sound like the biggest idiot ever.

So, what actually happened? We went to the festival, walked around, and enjoyed ourselves. Briar was fairly content all day. Raelynn did get a little crabby and had a couple of emotional breakdowns, but they were limited in time. Really, nothing bad happened. On the way home, they both crashed hard.  And after that, we even went out to dinner. I mean, we were truly living on the edge on Sunday.

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Today is Wednesday. The mound of clothes still remains on the couch. The dishes still need to be cleaned. S O  M A N Y  D I R T Y  B O T T L E S.

BUT…

No one died when we skipped naps. And no one died when we skipped housework to play with our babies.

HOWEVER…

We are not going to skip naps all the time. Because I look forward to nap time every weekend 🙂 But, for me, it’s so nice to know that the world doesn’t end when we skip naps.

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I had a therapy appointment last week and we talked a lot about my anxiety being in overdrive. I talked to her about me planning to let the girls skip naps on Sunday. I mean, at the point that I am talking to the therapist about how crazy skipping naps makes me….like, seriously, I should probably be in a mental institution. She basically told me everything I already knew. I didn’t need her to tell me, but I can’t explain it. It just makes me feel better when my therapist tells me stuff.

So that’s my story on how we skipped naps and no one died. Tune in next week to see what other stupid thing makes me lose my mind.

 

–The Kentucky Momma

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A N X I E T Y

My anxiety is in OVERDRIVE…

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The main trigger – Raelynn started soccer.

And I feel like such an asshole mom that this triggered my anxiety. I should be so excited that Raelynn started a sport. And I literally dread it.

It’s simple really. My schedule is changed and it literally fucked my whole world up. And it didn’t even change that much. But that small change and completed fucked up everything. Really, just me. Because the world is still turning and life is still happening as normal and I am just fucked up.

Our normal evening schedule is Scott and I get home between 5pm and 5:30pm. Briar goes to bed at 7pm, Raelynn goes to bed at 8:30pm. Before Briar goes to bed, we usually try to get Raelynn and Briar fed dinner. Just focusing on them to, it’s balls to wall. There is no time to do anything else but entertain them, feed them, make them happy, play with them. It’s just a lot.

So, the point of this, we are gone from the house from around 6- 8. As soon as we get home, we try to give Rae a little something and I fix Briar’s solids. I feed Briar at the field. When we get home, I rush to get Briar changed and settled down, nurse her, and put her to bed. Then it’s dealing with Raelynn saying she’s hungry and thirsty and wants cartoons. We try to limit her food and drink intake about an hour before bed time since she is potty trained. This makes a big difference for her not having accidents.

Obviously on soccer days, by the time both kids are down, I’m fucking beat. I do not want to do anything. And after both kids go to bed, I have a laundry list of things to do. I get Briar’s milk and solids ready for the next day, I get my gym bag ready, I try to do dishes or some laundry. I literally feel like if I sit and relax for one night, the list just continues to build. It drives me crazy.

I know, I’m fucking crazy, right? All I can say is that I wish I was not like this. I don’t wish this feeling on anyone.

My anxiety is triggering other areas of my life. My focus is non-existent in all areas. I feel like I cannot focus on anything. As I’m sure you’ve read, work has been super stressful, but I know I’m magnifying it because I cannot focus at all at work. I will start on something and get pulled in a different direction and then forget what I was doing and then get pulled into something else, then get a call that I need to take, it’s just a cluster fuck. I get to the point where I get so incredibly overwhelmed, that I just sit at my desk. Sometimes I cry because I feel like a piece of shit for not being able to sort out my thoughts and get my shit together.

On top of this, I thought I was personally having health issues, but it turns out, I’m okay.

For about the past month, I have been experiencing some pretty severe joint pain. Literally every single joint, my ankles, my knees, shoulders, wrists. It’s terrible. Whenever I work out, I actually feel good because I’m warmed up, but after, I stiffen up quickly.  My initial thought was I had to be calcium deficient. That was the only thing I could think of that actually changed in the past couple of months, besides me having a baby. Plus, it just made sense, especially with me cutting dairy from my diet. I didn’t want to assume this was the cause, so I decided to go get blood work done. I told the doctor that I had hit my deductible for the year, so run anything and everything on me. She did a complete blood panel and tested for a trillion different things. Only to find out that everything was normal. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that everything is okay, I guess I was just looking for an answer.

For the first time in my life, I have actually considered talking to my therapist about anxiety meds. I am not happy that it’s come to this. I still don’t think I will actually pull the trigger and take them. I hate taking medicine in general. And I just don’t think I actually NEED anxiety meds. I just feel like, there are other options, but, I’m at the point where I have exhausted all other options and I’m still bat shit crazy. So, what else do I do? I feel like meds are the next answer.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning. My appointment always seems to be perfectly timed. I’m sure my therapist is not looking forward to another bitching session.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Other things are happening besides Briar…

So, besides Briar, I do have a life.

Raelynn has had some very minor medical issues. She’s had an ongoing UTI for about a month. We have been treating it, but it’s not been going away. It initially started because she was sick and running a fever. I took her to the doctor and they tested her for a bunch of different things and the only thing that came back weird, was her urine. It tested positive for blood. So they sent it off for a culture and it came back positive for a UTI. They gave her a regular antibiotic and it did not do the trick. So we went back and she tested positive again. They gave her another antibiotic and it still didn’t kick it. We finally we back a third time and she still tested positive so they gave her another antibiotic. This antibiotic has kicked her ass. It’s called nitrofurantoin. We have to give it to her 4 times a day. And it’s a pretty big dose. Almost a teaspoon. It has literally sucked the life out of her. About 20 minutes after she takes it, she is down for the count. It gives her severe stomach cramps, she has no appetite, she has gotten sick once after taking it, another time she has a severe wave of nausea. It’s just so sad. Over the weekend I ended up calling the nurse hotline because I got pretty concerned about her. She was just so uncomfortable. She said that’s why this medicine was a last resort because the side effects are terrible. She pretty much told me that Raelynn would be sick for the 10 days she had to take it. G R E A T… Today, we are on day 5 of the medicine and she has pretty much been sick the whole time. Day 2 and 3 were the worst. She progressively got better on day 4. Hoping these next couple of days go by quick so we can be done taking this medicine.

Other than that, Raelynn has been fine. As I said previously, we celebrated her 3rd birthday. She got so much stuff and we had a good time celebrating with friends and family.

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Me…My Life…has been a freaking cluster. Nothing too bad really, just SO MUCH STUFF…SO MANY THINGS TO DO…

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Work remains the most stressful part of my life. This summer with work has been stress overload. It started with memorial weekend. That Monday, the GM of our company came for the week and ever since that week, every week after that, someone of high importance has visited our plant.

At the end of June, our company faced a severe cyber attack. Our entire business of 170,000 employees crashed. No one was able to access the network. Overall, my site was down for 2 1/2 weeks. No access to literally anything. We could not even turn our computers on. So on top of important visitors already taking up our time, now this… Saint-Gobain Cyber Attack

The first day of the cyber attack, my new finance boss traveled to our site from France to introduce himself and talk about what he expected of me. The change has been a good thing, over all, just more work. He is allowing me to become more of the financial controller that I’ve always wanted to be. But with that, comes more responsibility. More time away from my kids, my husband, my social life. So, was this really what I wanted?

Besides all of this, we had our follow up internal audit. Our initial audit was in December 2015, 3 months after I joined the company. Nothing had been accomplished in terms of internal control in the years prior to me so I was stuck with a huge cleanup project. The auditors were impressed with the progress that was made, but there is still a lot of work to do. Overall very happy, just glad that process is over with.

My last therapy appointment was interesting. I thought it was August 8th, but it was really August 9th. I was so so so overwhelmed and stressed from work, trying to manage home life, social life, family life, that I was just ready for a bitch session. I needed it badly. So, I roll in there on August 8th and she just kind of looks at me. And she said, “Well, you know your appointment isn’t until tomorrow?” I honestly thought she was joking. She then says, ” You and I must’ve been on the same wave length this morning because I actually printed out August 9th’s schedule and then caught myself. So when you showed up, it really threw me.” I just started crying. I needed to talk to her today. Not tomorrow. Today. I literally started sobbing to the point of not being able to talk. When I finally got my shit together, I just told her I was really overwhelmed and stressed out. But, everything was okay. My kids were healthy. Scott and I were okay. I guess, I was the only thing not really okay. Her original appointment came in, so I had to leave. I told her I would see her tomorrow. Tomorrow was a long time away…

…So tomorrow came, and I went to my therapy appointment and basically talked her ear off for the entire hour. I felt good afterwards. I just needed to vent. I told her that I didn’t mean to cry yesterday and she said that’s a stress trigger. I was releasing stress by crying. Makes sense.

Then, after ALLLLL of this…Raelynn turned 3. My first little baby is now a 3 year old. How is this possible? And you know what comes with a birthday….a freaking party to plan. Birthday parties are freakingggg expensiveeeee. It costs a crazy amount of money to feed everyone. I only invite immediate family and close friends and we always have a turnout of around 60 people, which includes kids. I always ask family to bring a dish so that helps, tremendously. I do not go overboard on decorations. BUT I still always end up spending a fortune. And now, Briar’s birthday is 5 months away….just another party to plan and more money to spend.

I just feel like I can’t breathe. I have zero time for anything. And I can’t seem to find any balance at all.

Until next time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Month 6 and 7

Well, month 6 just crept on by like no big deal and we already in month 7 with Briar.

So so so so so much has changed from Month 5 to Month 7.

Developmentally, all in about one week, Briar was able to situp, CRAWL, AND sit herself up from a crawling position. It’s so incredibly crazy how quick it all happened. She actually crawled first, then situp, and then put the two together. She has been very recently starting to pull herself up on things that she can reach. We had to lower her bed. And I am not exaggerating when I say that it all happened in a week. None of this happened with Raelynn until she was around 9 months old. Briar is essentially mobile. She can crawl all over the house. I love it. She can also entertain herself for a couple of minutes. It may not seem like a lot, but we have an area in the house dedicated to her and her toys in the living room. We can sit her there for a little bit and she will just play. Raelynn never did that and STILL does not do that. A couple of minutes may not seem like a lot, but it could be the difference in getting a couple sips of hot coffee in the morning!

Overall breastfeeding and pumping are going much better. It’s just a lot of freaking work this time and I am truly ready for it to end. I’m ready for it to end all for selfish reasons. I just want my body back. I want to feel like I do more than just pump all day long. I want to be able to sleep in. I currently live by the clock. Every three hours, I have to make sure I am either with Briar or with the pump. I hate it. Obviously, I would much rather be with Briar because it makes things 100% easier. But, as all of us working moms are aware, that is just not possible.

If you recall from my last post, this was my pumping schedule:

5:00 a.m.- wake and pump

8:00 a.m. – pump

10:30 a.m. – pump

1:30 p.m. – pump

4:00 p.m. – pump

7:00 p.m. – nurse

8:30 p.m. – pump

I am still following this for the most part, except for the past two weeks I have accidentally/on purpose got rid of my 8:30pm pump. It started a week prior to Raelynn’s party. It was crazy at work (to be discussed later or in a later post), I was trying to finish last minute things for Raelynn’s party. I just couldn’t do it. And I couldn’t stay up later because that would mean less sleep. So, I didn’t do it. And then I didn’t do it for another week. And now I’m almost 3 weeks in without having the 8:30 p.m. pump. Why is this significant? Because on my July 28th post, I wrote this:

6 pumps to make 24 ounces. It took a lot of freaking work. I am scared to even say this because I’m sure the pumping gods are looking down on me just waiting to give me another set-back, but I am actually a little ahead. I haven’t counted, because I’m scared. I’m scared to get excited, and I’m scared to set an expectation for myself, but as of right now, I may or may not have 3 full bottles of milk in the fridge that are 100% extra. So, for the moment…I am going to just let it stay cold in the fridge and I’m not going to count it. I’m scared to freeze it because then it’s like, “Oh hey, you have extra milk, GREAT. Now, cue the 24 ounces of spilled milk again since you have extra”. I’m just WAITING for that moment.

Since then…are you ready for this…I have been able to FREEZE 120 OUNCES OF MILK. LIKE I AM NOT KIDDING, Y’ALL. ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY BEAUTIFUL DAIRY FREE OUNCES OF MILK. I can’t even believe it. I really, really can’t believe it. When I finally counted it over the week, I about fell over on the floor. As of right now, that’s 4 full days of extra milk for Briar. And just in case you have been keeping up with my blog…I will be going to Vegas in November and I will technically be away for 7 days….so I only need 3 more full days of milk. I have been stressing so so so bad about this. To be “over the hump” with milk production for when I’m away is a huge relief. I’m still holding my breathe a little bit. But I do feel a sense of relief.

In other Briar news, sleep is much, much improved. She is consistently sleeping through the night now. We put her down at 7:00 p.m. and she wakes up normally around 6:30 a.m. I will take it. She still sometimes wakes in the middle of the night, but those days are few and far between. Thank goodness!!

She is (we are), however, relying a lot on the pacifier. She FINALLY knows how to keep the damn thing in her mouth and she can now replace it in her mouth if it falls out. Since she has figured out how to do this, she has become a lot more dependent upon it. I don’t hate it, but I don’t love it. It’s helping her sleep through the night so I can’t complain about that, but it’s also the only thing that will get her to go to sleep for the night and for naps. I’m pretty conflicted on what to do. I truly am ready to get rid of it because the longer she has it, the harder it will be to take it away, but…why ruin a good thing? We really have a good thing going now so why in the world do I want to mess it up?

Naps are really good now. She has been napping in her crib for a little over a month. We are somewhat in a transition between 2 and 3 naps. Sometimes she take two 2 hour naps and she doesn’t need a third nap, but if she cuts one of those naps short, we incorporate a third nap.

Since she has been taking better naps and sleeping through the night, we have decided against sleep training for now.

My sweet Briar is growing so fast.

 

Until Next Time…

 

–The Kentucky Momma