Will I ever learn to be a parent?

My post just keep getting further and further apart. It’s not something I like. Life just always seems to happen.

Starting off with Raelynn. I swear, everyday she learns something new. A new word, a new phrase, a new song. It’s truly amazing. I never knew how much I would enjoy watching her grow and learn. She talks in third person a lot. “Rae Rae’s cup.” “Rae Rae get on couch.” She somewhat uses the correct possession when talking..”I get up.” “Mommy, you stand up.” She communicates to us in full sentences for the most part. She can sing her entire ABC’s, she can count to 10, and she knows countless nursery rhymes.

I LOVE that she can talk. I love the fact that she can tell us what she wants or needs. I had the same love when she started walking. I never understood why some parents expressed “hatred” during this stage. I love that she is mobile and can talk to us. In all honesty, I feel like it personally makes our life easier.

I will tell you though, little Miss Raelynn is developing a HUGE personality and I love it. Her little sass gives us some push back, but it’s cute at the same time. She has dubbed herself as a little bossy girl. She definitely gets that from me. All of my friends tell me I’m bossy. In particular, if she wants one of her friends to do something, “Preslie, get in here. Luke, come sit down.” It’s pretty comical. I can only hope that this will turn into her being a strong, independent, individual one day.

She has not been using the potty as per my last post, but I’m not really concerned with that. She knows what it is. She randomly wants to use it, but still as yet to use it for me. She only uses it for the daycare provider. Still have yet to transfer her to a toddler bed. But, I foresee that being in the near future. Still not necessarily ready for that, but it’s one of those things that has to happen. She has not tried to climb out of her crib yet, but I feel like it may only be a matter of time.

My anxiety as still been pretty high and on edge lately. I had another pretty monumental therapy session. I have always been a big “to-do lister” person. I get a weir satisfaction from crossing items off my to-do list. I make to-do lists for home and work. I try to make it a point to make a to-do list before I leave work for the next day and also I make a to-do list before I leave work for what I need to accomplish when I’m at home. The therapist quickly made me realize that while my to-do lists may seem productive, I was not including myself or my family on my to-do lists. I kinda felt like shit after she told me that. Obviously, that was not my intention at all and the therapist knew that. She didn’t tell me that to make me feel like shit, it was just one of those awwwww moments.

One of the reasons that I make to-do lists is because I am crazy about cleaning the house. It just drives me up a wall when the house isn’t clean. The therapist told me that was instilled within me from a young age and she is correct. I have to let go of the house not being clean all the time.

I have developed a close friendship with an older woman at work. We have connected over similar childhoods and the fact that she also went to therapy for several years. She, too, has an issue with the house being clean and now has kids my age. When they were younger she had the same conversation with her therapist and she relayed a message to me that struck a nerve. Her therapist told her that your kids are not going to remember you for all the hours you  spent cleaning the house. They will remember the fun times you all had together. I can’t explain it, but it just hit me. This house being clean is the last thing that Raelynn is going to care about. She is going to remember all the fun times we had spending together. I’m not insinuating just letting the house go, but, I really need to chose how I spend my time wisely.

To elaborate on this a little more…Raelynn’s favorite show is Mickey Mouse, unfortunately. I cringe whenever I hear Mickey’s voice. Anyways…we have several episode recorded on the DVR. I felt like I could recite every word of every episode because we have watched them so many times. It wasn’t until last week that I felt like a really awful parent again. Normally while she is watching Mickey, I try to quickly pick up the house or I’m on my phone scrolling through social media. I actually sat down on the couch and watched an entire episode with her and I quickly realized that I did not know any of the words to the episode and there were parts of the show that I had never saw even though I’m certain these have been played 100+ times. I really felt terrible. I did not even make the time to sit on the couch and watch a 30 minute show with her. I am so very frustrated with myself for this.

Since my last appointment, I have tried to make a bigger effort to take the time and actually play with Raelynn. Doesn’t that sound awful? I had to make myself make time to spend with my daughter. With that said, I’m so thankful for therapy to make me realize these things. They may seem small, but in the long run, they are really huge.

I have come to the realization that I will probably be trying to figure out how to parent until she moves out of the house 🙂

Until next time.

–The Kentucky Momma