Something else happened that I didn’t mention in my last post. Something pretty disturbing that I wanted to elaborate on.
On December 22, 2015, my cousin, Sarah, went to wake up her vibrant 3 year old daughter, Lily, and she was dead.
This has affected me more so than I thought it would. I don’t mean to sound selfish or take away from what Sarah and her fiance, Jeremy, are feeling. It just completely makes you rethink your whole life.
First and foremost, I could not and do not EVER want to imagine what Sarah and Jeremy are going through. It absolutely breaks my heart. Whenever I found out, it left me speechless. There are no words or actions that can heal the parents when they lose their child. If this was Raelynn, you might as well take me with her. In my opinion, what is the reason to live? Raelynn gave me LIFE that I didn’t know I had. I know Sarah and Jeremy feel the same way. There wasn’t anything wrong with her. NOTHING. And they found her, dead. A healthy, normal, lively 3 year old, dead.
Every day since I’ve found out, I think to myself, “What if Raelynn doesn’t wake up?” Honestly, what would I do with my life? I try to make sure I tell her I love her every single day, multiple times. I try to shower her with love and affection so she knows I care. I don’t know when she will remember all of this, she is only 16 months old. But I feel like I have to do this stuff so she knows.
As if I’m already not on edge enough, now I worry about this stuff.
Then, I just read on FaceBook about a girl Scott and I went to school with; she had to be induced because an ultrasound of her son at 37 weeks pregnant showed an enlarged liver and spleen, but they weren’t sure of the reason. Within the first 24 hours he was on this earth, he was diagnosed with leukemia and had to get his first round of chemotherapy. Like, WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK? What is this world? What kind of world do we live in where a tiny, helpless baby who has been growing in his mother’s womb, which is supposed to be the safest place on this earth, has developed leukemia while in the womb? I’m totally baffled. On top of this, she already has an autistic son. She is one strong woman to be dealing with all of this.
All of this makes me question whether or not we are really ready for another kid or not. I really want Raelynn to have a sibling. I really, really do. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to experience the baby stage again. Even typing that made me cringe a little. I want the chance to have a happy, non-colicky baby so I can actually enjoy the baby stage. I want the opportunity to ENJOY my baby instead of wish the seconds of the day away.
But, there is all of this nonsense that I will always worry about. What if Raelynn dies? What if my future baby has something wrong with it? What if I have another miscarriage? The miscarriage…I’m not too sure I’m prepared for.
Scott and I are not currently trying since we are still living with his parents and sharing a room with his nephew. I’m not totally upset with this. I like not having the pressure to be pregnant right now. I’m sure this will quickly end once we get settled in our new house. I never know what an emotional toll this would take on me. It’s SO many emotions. Mostly exhausting, mentally taxing, depressing…etc..etc..etc..
The price of being a worry wort…all demonstrated in this post.
God help you if you’re like me. God Bless you if you’re not.
–The Kentucky Momma