It’s happened again.
I’ve had another miscarriage.
I am in pure shock and disbelief this is happening again.
So many questions.
Why me? Why TWICE? Why?
I found out I was pregnant on November 30th. I took two pregnancy tests and they were both positive. I took them at work. Whenever I got home that day, I handed them both to Raelynn (obviously, they were cleaned off) and told them to show daddy what she had in her hand. He literally had no idea what it was. I picked her up and walked over to him and he had the biggest smile on his face and exclaimed, “Are they both positive?!?!” I laughed and said yes. With Raelynn in my arms, he gave me the biggest hug and kiss and said, “I’m so happy for US.”
Then he took a second look at the tests, and said, “Should the line be that faint?” I told him it was like that with the twins too. He said, “So that means we could be having twins again?” I said, “No, that means I could miscarry again.” He didn’t understand. I explained to him that since the line was so faint, it could mean something was wrong, but not necessarily. Scott is “Positive Patty” when it comes to this stuff. Me, not so much. Always worried about everything.
Rewinding to earlier during the day whenever I took the first test, I don’t know if I peed on it too much or what, but it was all in the window of the test and I thought it was positive and it kind of made my heart skip a beat for a second. I thought, could it really be happening this fast? Only two months of trying? So, a little later when I had to pee, I took the other test and it was clearly positive, but still faint. I was instantly worried that it was faint. It just brought back all of the emotions from having the miscarriage with the twins.
As the week progressed, I felt fine. I was only 4 weeks and some days, and comparing to prior pregnancies, I knew it was too early to “feel” different. Sunday, December 6th I went to the bathroom and I wiped and there was brown blood. I told Scott about it and I told him I was going to miscarry. I felt it. I just knew it. I took it to the extreme and went out to buy another pregnancy test and took it as soon as I got home. The line was there, but almost non-existent. That confirmed to me what I was feeling. My mood instantly changed. Even though I had very mild symptoms of a miscarriage, I knew I was going to lose this child.
I got up on Monday, December 7th and went to the bathroom and again, I wiped brown blood. I took another pregnancy test and it was the same story as the night before. I could see a very faint line, but it was much, much lighter than when I had taken the pregnancy test a week ago. I started to feel like a period was coming. It was just more evidence to me that I was going to miscarry.
The really shitty thing about this week was at work, we were getting audited by internal auditors for our company so there was no getting out of work. I had to be there. Scott came in and checked on me while I was getting ready and he could tell I was not okay. He hugged me and I lost it. I cried for at least 5 minutes straight. He kept saying over and over, “Maybe it’s not what you think. I know you know your body better than me, but just maybe, it’s not what you think.”
I finished getting ready for work, drove in, and started my day before the auditors got in. I was progressively feeling worse and the first time I had to go to the bathroom, my miscarriage nightmare became a reality. Bright red blood and clots. Soon after the cramping followed. I knew there wasn’t anything really my doctor could do, but I wanted it documented. I called them and they wanted to schedule me for blood work the next day, I said that was fine. I knew if I was really having a miscarriage, there wasn’t anything they could do for me. So, I bucked up. Tried to keep my emotions in check and continued to work with the auditors.
Around lunch time, the bleeding and cramps got noticeably worse. I was overflowing a pad an hour. Overall, it felt like a really bad period and I was accustom to those, but I was scared for several reasons that I was bleeding so much. I could be hemorrhaging, it could be an ectopic pregnancy, what if I didn’t go to the doctor then and something happened and I couldn’t have any more kids? That’s when I really started to get worried. I called my doctor back around 1:30pm and they told me to go to the ER. I was so scared at this point. I didn’t want anything to be wrong with me. If I was having a miscarriage, I just wanted it to happen and be done. I sat at my desk for 30 minutes debating whether or not I should leave and go to the ER. Finally at 2:00pm I called Scott and told him I needed to go. He offered to come get me, I said no. I could drive. I ended up telling my boss what I was going through. He immediately understood and I left.
A brief summary of what happened at the ER; we got there and the computers had just went down. Awesome. They took blood, they did an abdominal and vaginal ultrasound. We were there for 5 hours. Not awesome. There was nothing on the ultrasounds. They said, could’ve been too early or that I miscarried already. I knew it was the latter. My HCG levels were a 63 which essentially meant nothing at that point. I was sent home and told to stay off my feet to help with the bleeding and I needed to schedule a followup appointment with my OB doctor to get lab work done and test my HCG levels again. In a normal pregnancy your HCG levels should be doubling approximately every 48 hours. So the real answer we be when I got the results from my bloodwork.
The first thing I did the next day was call my doctor, told them about my appointment and scheduled lab work for Wednesday December 9. Lab work took about 5 minutes tops and they said I would know something the next day, Thursday.
At 9 am on Thursday morning, my phone was ringing and it was the doctor calling me. I hesitated to answer because I knew when she told me what my levels were, it was kind of going to be my final answer as to what was happening. I finally answered. She said my levels were negative, as in below zero, so I was no longer pregnant. My heart sank. Even though I knew what she was going to say, the finality of it made me really sad. More so than I had imagined.
I’m no longer pregnant. I definitely miscarried. I’m still so incredibly sad.
Every day when I wake up and I’m STILL bleeding, it’s a reminder that my body failed me once again. It’s a harsh reminder that I lost yet another child.
I have three…take a second…THREE children in heaven. That fucking blows my mind. How in the fuck is this even possible? Unless I somehow get pregnant with multiples again, I will always have more children in heaven than I do here on Earth with me. For me, that has be the saddest, and hardest thing for me to deal with with this miscarriage.
This miscarriage was completely different than the first one, but it hurts just as bad. Getting the D&C sucked, passing the baby naturally sucked. Losing the twins at 11 weeks sucked, losing this one at 5 weeks sucked just as bad.
I never thought I would have to go through this once, much less twice. It’s the worst thing in the world. It’s the worst feeling in the world. I would never, ever wish this feeling or experience on my worst enemy. I really wouldn’t
I guess, now it’s time to cope and heal. I know it will take time. I can promise you there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of the twins. Now, I will have another little one to think about too.
Pray for me y’all.
–The Kentucky Momma