One Day I Will Post Everything When It Actually Happens…

My same MO…always behind these days. And so much has happened. Warming…probably going to be a very long post with a lot of skipping around.

November 20th – All of our house worries came to an end. We got an offer on our house and we accepts. Buyers came in a little lower than expected, but they were covering closing costs so that was a huge plus in our books because that was money that we didn’t have to pay out of our pocket.

The inspection and appraisal were scheduled pretty promptly and completely really quick. I was surprised. Also anxious because the house we had a contract on, expired on November 11. Since we were out of that contract, we took it upon ourselves to look at a couple of other houses just to be sure we wanted to go back to our original house. None of the other houses compared to the house we originally had the contract on so we put in another contract on that house and they accepted. At this point we were really unsure of closing dates on both houses, but it appeared we could potentially close on our house before Christmas, but I honestly didn’t think that could happen.

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Raelynn and I on Thanksgiving at my in-laws house

Thanksgiving, November 26 – see this post for details about my nephew’s mom that passed away.

November 30th – RAELYNN FINALLY GOT A TOOTH!!!! I MEAN SERIOUSLY, I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS DAY ACTUALLY HAPPENED. It was a week after her appointment when they told me that she pretty much had 3 more months to pop a tooth through or else she would have to go to the dentist. YAY for no more worrying!! One of her top teeth came through first and now she has one on the bottom coming through and I’m pretty sure more are in the future because all she wants to do is chew on her fingers.

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Don’t mind the sweet potatoes (I think) in between her eyes. You can barely see her tooth, but I promise you, it’s there!!

December 7th – see this post for details about my miscarriage.

Sometime in the first week of December we found out that the house we were going to buy did not want to close until the second week of January, which was fine and understandable. They went through the ringer with us waiting on our house to sell. They stuck with us for a very long time. Whenever we submitted the final offer we agreed on a closing date of January 15th.

December 11th – I found out about 10 in the morning that our closing date on our house was going to be the next friday, December 18th. I was every emotion in the world at this point. I had just had the miscarriage. I had ZERO time to really process it because we had auditors at work and I absolutely had to be there. The last thing I wanted to deal with was moving my entire house over the weekend because we had to be out in exactly 7 days. Seriously, FUCK MY LIFE. I hated it even more because it was supposed to be a happy time. We are moving into hopefully our forever home. Then it hit me, we are going to have to live with my in laws. We would have to live with them for about a month and then we were going to have to do something with the dogs.

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Our first house. Surprisingly, I was never sad, or emotional to say goodbye to it. I will always cherish the memories in that house, but I’m ready to make new memories in our new house.

Now, I feel like I need to clarify this. After living on my own, I don’t want to have to live with ANYONE ELSE, parents, grandparents, any family, friends; let’s face it, it’s just not something on my to do list. I like my own space and my own privacy. I was having a hard time dealing with the fact of living with someone else. They have a decent size house, somewhat of an open floor plan, 3 bedrooms; it was just SIMPLY the fact of having to live with someone else that perturbed me. *Disclosure – they have been GREAT. Honestly, I feel bad because WE are invading THEIR space. I try to help out as much as I can to make up for the fact that they have to deal with three additional people living with them. It’s just tough on both ends.*

Moving the dogs has been and will continue to be my biggest concern until we are in our new home and fully adjusted. Our dogs are not great listeners. They know simple commands, but if you open that front door or gate, they are gone. That’s what scared me the most. Scott’s parents have around an acre of land, but it’s not fenced in. No way in hell could they live there with us. Next best option was my parents house. They used to have outside dogs, but the fence just needed to be fixed up a little bit. My concern was our dogs were pretty much inside dogs now. My mom and step dad agreed to let them stay inside. I’m forever grateful for that. It’s been such a peace of mind knowing that they are okay and safe. And I think my mom and step dad enjoy have dogs again.

 

Our new house doesn’t have a fence, so we will have to put one up ASAP. Again a concern of mine, we are moving to a busy street. I know if they get out, they are goners. That’s so awful to say, but it’s the truth. Scott and I have already decided even if we don’t have a fence up yet, we will still bring them to the new home and just let them out on leashes. We live by several close neighborhoods as well so we can very conveniently take them walking. It’s just a matter of us doing it. We have always been pretty lazy when it comes to that. Controversial subject, we also broke down and bought them shock collars. I believe 3 years ago when we got Scarlet, Scott has always wanted one because she is just a plain hellian. No matter what we do, she doesn’t listen. Since we are going to be living on a busy street, I agreed that we should get them shock collars in the event they got out we could hopefully slow them down or stop them. Hopefully it never has to come to that. I hope we are able to work with them and train them with the shock collars so we actually never have to use them. *Hopefully*

So, December 20th, we were completely moved out of our house and living with the in laws. It was weird sleeping somewhere that I wasn’t used to because you have to become accustom to all of the noises that you aren’t used to. I am a light sleeper anywhere so as you can imagine, I have not been sleeping too well. And I’m sure once we move into the new house it will take me a while to adjust to all of the noises in that house.

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Rae Rae on Christmas 🙂

Christmas was good. We started the week before and did my dad’s and my grandma’s (mom’s mom). Then on Christmas Eve, brace yourself, WE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING (loved it), on Christmas day we had three places to go to. Raelynn was spoiled as ever. The hard part is, we have so much SHIT and literally, no where to put it. While we are in between moves, we have stuff stored at Scott’s sister’s house. She has an unfinished basement that she is letting us put stuff in for the time being. We also have a storage unit. And then we have stuff at my mom’s house and here at our in laws. So, basically, shit is just everywhere. I can’t wait for everything to be all in one place again. No matter how much I try to organize here, I always end up not being able to find something. Very annoying.

 

And now, it’s New Year’s Eve. How in the HELL is it already the last day of the year? It just seems so crazy to me. I have no resolutions for 2016. I never make them because I feel like I just set myself up for disappointment. I dare you to ask me what awesome plans my husband and I have for NYE….go on, ask….we are going to my parents house with Raelynn because they are going out of town so we will have to take care of the dogs and then we are coming home around 8pm so Raelynn can go to bed. We are some FUCKING party animals.

I won’t set a resolution, maybe a goal, to try and post more. It just seems that life always ends up happening and getting in the way. At the end of every night I always sit on the couch, so I might as well open my laptop and tell you about my day.

I hope everyone has a SAFE and HAPPY New Year’s Eve!!

 

–The Kentucky Momma

Another Miscarriage…

It’s happened again.

I’ve had another miscarriage.

I am in pure shock and disbelief this is happening again.

So many questions.

Why me? Why TWICE? Why?

I found out I was pregnant on November 30th. I took two pregnancy tests and they were both positive. I took them at work. Whenever I got home that day, I handed them both to Raelynn (obviously, they were cleaned off) and told them to show daddy what she had in her hand. He literally had no idea what it was. I picked her up and walked over to him and he had the biggest smile on his face and exclaimed, “Are they both positive?!?!” I laughed and said yes. With Raelynn in my arms, he gave me the biggest hug and kiss and said, “I’m so happy for US.”

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Then he took a second look at the tests, and said, “Should the line be that faint?” I told him it was like that with the twins too. He said, “So that means we could be having twins again?” I said, “No, that means I could miscarry again.” He didn’t understand. I explained to him that since the line was so faint, it could mean something was wrong, but not necessarily. Scott is “Positive Patty” when it comes to this stuff. Me, not so much. Always worried about everything.

Rewinding to earlier during the day whenever I took the first test, I don’t know if I peed on it too much or what, but it was all in the window of the test and I thought it was positive and it kind of made my heart skip a beat for a second. I thought, could it really be happening this fast? Only two months of trying? So, a little later when I had to pee, I took the other test and it was clearly positive, but still faint. I was instantly worried that it was faint. It just brought back all of the emotions from having the miscarriage with the twins.

As the week progressed, I felt fine. I was only 4 weeks and some days, and comparing to prior pregnancies, I knew it was too early to “feel” different. Sunday, December 6th I went to the bathroom and I wiped and there was brown blood. I told Scott about it and I told him I was going to miscarry. I felt it. I just knew it. I took it to the extreme and went out to buy another pregnancy test and took it as soon as I got home. The line was there, but almost non-existent. That confirmed to me what I was feeling. My mood instantly changed. Even though I had very mild symptoms of a miscarriage, I knew I was going to lose this child.

I got up on Monday, December 7th and went to the bathroom and again, I wiped brown blood. I took another pregnancy test and it was the same story as the night before. I could see a very faint line, but it was much, much lighter than when I had taken the pregnancy test a week ago. I started to feel like a period was coming. It was just more evidence to me that I was going to miscarry.

The really shitty thing about this week was at work, we were getting audited by internal auditors for our company so there was no getting out of work. I had to be there. Scott came in and checked on me while I was getting ready and he could tell I was not okay. He hugged me and I lost it. I cried for at least 5 minutes straight. He kept saying over and over, “Maybe it’s not what you think. I know you know your body better than me, but just maybe, it’s not what you think.”

I finished getting ready for work, drove in, and started my day before the auditors got in. I was progressively feeling worse and the first time I had to go to the bathroom, my miscarriage nightmare became a reality. Bright red blood and clots. Soon after the cramping followed. I knew there wasn’t anything really my doctor could do, but I wanted it documented. I called them and they wanted to schedule me for blood work the next day, I said that was fine. I knew if I was really having a miscarriage, there wasn’t anything they could do for me. So, I bucked up. Tried to keep my emotions in check and continued to work with the auditors.

Around lunch time, the bleeding and cramps got noticeably worse. I was overflowing a pad an hour. Overall, it felt like a really bad period and I was accustom to those, but I was scared for several reasons that I was bleeding so much. I could be hemorrhaging, it could be an ectopic pregnancy, what if I didn’t go to the doctor then and something happened and I couldn’t have any more kids? That’s when I really started to get worried. I called my doctor back around 1:30pm and they told me to go to the ER. I was so scared at this point. I didn’t want anything to be wrong with me. If I was having a miscarriage, I just wanted it to happen and be done. I sat at my desk for 30 minutes debating whether or not I should leave and go to the ER. Finally at 2:00pm I called Scott and told him I needed to go. He offered to come get me, I said no. I could drive. I ended up telling my boss what I was going through. He immediately understood and I left.

A brief summary of what happened at the ER; we got there and the computers had just went down. Awesome. They took blood, they did an abdominal and vaginal ultrasound. We were there for 5 hours. Not awesome. There was nothing on the ultrasounds. They said, could’ve been too early or that I miscarried already. I knew it was the latter. My HCG levels were a 63 which essentially meant nothing at that point. I was sent home and told to stay off my feet to help with the bleeding and I needed to schedule a followup appointment with my OB doctor to get lab work done and test my HCG levels again. In a normal pregnancy your HCG levels should be doubling approximately every 48 hours. So the real answer we be when I got the results from my bloodwork.

The first thing I did the next day was call my doctor, told them about my appointment and scheduled lab work for Wednesday December 9. Lab work took about 5 minutes tops and they said I would know something the next day, Thursday.

At 9 am on Thursday morning, my phone was ringing and it was the doctor calling me. I hesitated to answer because I knew when she told me what my levels were, it was kind of going to be my final answer as to what was happening. I finally answered. She said my levels were negative, as in below zero, so I was no longer pregnant. My heart sank. Even though I knew what she was going to say, the finality of it made me really sad. More so than I had imagined.

I’m no longer pregnant. I definitely miscarried. I’m still so incredibly sad.

Every day when I wake up and I’m STILL bleeding, it’s a reminder that my body failed me once again. It’s a harsh reminder that I lost yet another child.

I have three…take a second…THREE children in heaven. That fucking blows my mind. How in the fuck is this even possible? Unless I somehow get pregnant with multiples again, I will always have more children in heaven than I do here on Earth with me. For me, that has be the saddest, and hardest thing for me to deal with with this miscarriage.

This miscarriage was completely different than the first one, but it hurts just as bad. Getting the D&C sucked, passing the baby naturally sucked. Losing the twins at 11 weeks sucked, losing this one at 5 weeks sucked just as bad.

I never thought I would have to go through this once, much less twice. It’s the worst thing in the world. It’s the worst feeling in the world. I would never, ever wish this feeling or experience on my worst enemy. I really wouldn’t

I guess, now it’s time to cope and heal. I know it will take time. I can promise you there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of the twins. Now, I will have another little one to think about too.

 

Pray for me y’all.

 

–The Kentucky Momma