This weekend was an emotional mess for me.
- Scott and I did not have a good weekend. I will explain later.
- We had an open house this weekend with no visitors.
- It was the two year anniversary since I had lost the twins.
- An article was published about me and my PPD and my blog was recognized pretty publicly.
- I had a pretty good therapy session this morning
So, I feel like I have to disclose this first. Scott is and continues to be my number one supporter. I don’t know what I would do without him. He is one of the best guys ever. I feel like, like most couples, we’ve just been in a really rough patch lately and it just all kinda came to a head on Saturday. Long story short, he went out on Friday night and didn’t get home until 3 in the morning. I don’t care that he did this, I just hate that he doesn’t text me and tell me what he is doing. I woke up at 2:30 in the morning and he wasn’t there. I knew he was out with friends, but my phone had no text or voicemail explaining his plans for the night. To me, it’s a respect thing. I’ve expressed this to him several times, and I will get that call or text that I’m looking for 1 out of every 4 times he goes out.
Anyways, I let him sleep a little longer in hopes that he would help me be productive for the day and get the house cleaned…Haha. No. He watched Raelynn while I cleaned and I’m totally okay with that. I was hoping that when we laid her down for her nap, we could really knock some shit out and tag team it and get everything done. Haha. No. We had just put her down and I finished up washing the dishes and I went in the living room to tell him something and his ass was sleeping. OH EM GEE, I was fired up. I let him sleep. I didn’t even bother to wake him up. I busted my ass and got the whole entire house cleaned by the time we had to leave. I didn’t say a word. We also had a birthday party to attend. So I put on a happy face while we there. Boy, when I got home, I really laid into him. And then we didn’t talk for the rest of the night. I went to bed at 9:00pm because I was tired of sitting there in silence.
Of course, when I woke up the next day, instantly, the twins were on my mind. I could barely hold back my tears. Raelynn was being exceptionally lovey and it made my heart happy. Scott finally got out of bed around 9:30am and I had no intentions on talking to him. He suggested around 10am that we go get breakfast at Cracker Barrell. I agreed because in my mind we could have a civil conversation in public without me blowing up again.
We did have a civil conversation about a lot of things. Not just things that happened this weekend. We have been really disconnected lately on all levels. I don’t think either of us meant for that to happen. We just developed such a routine and it’s hard to sway from that. There are some days when we can’t even carry on a conversation. Not for lack of having things to talk about but because we put our phones and/or a TV show first. It’s really been eating me up. I did not want to continue on this path especially since we have started trying for another baby.
I opened up to the therapist about all of this today and she said that it was good that I recognized the disconnect and we are trying to address it. She suggested things like, putting phones away and TV off for 15-30 minutes each day and just talking a little bit. This may sound so dumb. But it’s so true. Just recently, Scott and I celebrated out 3 year anniversary. We went to a local restaurant, ordered wings, a couple pitchers of beer, watched sports, and talked. We REALLY talked. Scott talked my ear off about some things going on at work that I had no idea about. And I know that I still wouldn’t’ know about them if we hadn’t went to dinner that night. Things as simple as that, we take for granted. I hate that we have got to this point that we almost don’t know what is going on in one another’s lives. It boggles my mind. So, I am going to suggest this to him and see what he says…
The phones are a whole other issue. Again, it’s not that we do it on purpose, but we will literally sit on our phones for hours on end and not even recognize that we are in the same room with each other because we won’t talk for those hours we are on our phones. My therapist told me that phones have obviously created a huge barrier for some couples and I can totally see that. I just didn’t imagine that Scott and I would be that couple. I’m going to suggest from certain times of the day when we are together, we not be on our phones at all unless taking a call or texting someone back. LOL we will see how that goes over.
We had an open house with no visitors. We still have our house. No one wants it. FUCKING DONE. I’m not even elaborating any more on this subject.
Of all weekends, this was the last weekend I wanted to be having an argument with Scott because it was the 2 year anniversary since my D&C. It’s the day I officially feel like I lost the twins. I wanted and needed his support. And I know he needed mine too. The loss of the twins still affects him too. That’s why I was thankful for our reconciling conversation on Sunday morning at breakfast. I had a small, private breakdown at home in memory of the twins, and I went about my day. I’m thankful for having Raelynn because even though I think about the twins every day, she takes my mind off them temporarily.
The most exciting news….I was featured in an article on a website called Mashable. It was about real people and their experiences with postpartum depression and anxiety. A writer reached out to me on Twitter. She had the blue check mark by her name which meant she was the real deal. I was shocked. She interviewed me over the phone for about an hour about my story and told me I would hear something soon. Not even a week later, the story is published. Here is the link: Click here for PPD Story . It actually felt really good to get a lot of those emotions out. I tend to be a pretty private person when it comes to this stuff. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer and talk about all my bad experiences and bring people down whenever they have good experiences with their baby. Also, I don’t like judgement. Judgement is passed all day, every day on new mothers and that is the last thing I wanted. I did not want to be scrutinized for what I was feeling. Very few people even know about my blog. Maybe, a handful. I’ve slowly been telling people, but still with reserve. My blog was not really intended for people to read. It was originally established for me to vent or remember things that happened and then retelling the experiences to my therapist. But now, knowing that someone can relate to my story, it’s pretty liberating and freeing. And I’m not ashamed of my story. It’s part of me. And I’m okay with that.
Until next time…
–The Kentucky Momma