Trying for Baby Number 2

Scott and I have “officially” decided to start trying to have another baby. As in, we literally took the plunge this weekend so there is no going back now…

And I am scared shitless.

I constantly question and “what if” every other decision in my life, so obviously, I would question this one. I don’t question mine and Scott’s ability to parent. I question the circumstances and situations surrounding us.

Are we really ready for this?

Is there ever really a good time?

Can I handle two kids under the age of two?

What if my postpartum depression comes back? Wait…it has never really disappeared

What if I have another miscarriage? Could I really cope with that?

What if I don’t have a healthy pregnancy?

What if I don’t have a healthy baby?

What if something goes wrong in delivery?

How am I going to share my love with two kids and my husband? AND two dogs?!

I just wish I could enjoy SOMETHING about pregnancy.

I know that as soon as I pee on the stick and see two pink lines, the worry is instantly going to kick in. I have already started praying every single night that I am going to have a happy, healthy, normal pregnancy and a happy, healthy normal baby. I even took it further and prayed that if I had multiples that I would still have a happy, healthy, normal pregnancy, and 2 (oh god, or 3) happy, healthy, normal babies. I felt I needed to cover all bases.

I’m scared I’m going to have multiples again. I lost the twins on 10/25/2013, so almost 2 years ago to the date. I have no idea how I would react to having multiples. I would like to think I would be better equipped to have multiples this time around than the first time because I actually know what it takes to be a parent. But still, more than one at one time? Seems crazy.

It’s sad that I have to be so scared and anxious about everything. Like, I just want to be happy and enjoy things and embrace my pregnancy because it’s more than likely going to be my last. I want Raelynn to have a sister or a brother close in age to play with and then I’m done. Totally done. I cannot deal with the emotions of being pregnant again and wondering for 40 weeks if my baby is going to be okay in there.

I’m not even pregnant yet and look at all this shit I’m already worrying about.

It’s really fucking exhausting.

I hope this time around, I’m pleasantly surprised that my worry and anxiety is gone and I can actually enjoy.