An Open Ended Piece on what I Believe In

This post may offend some…so if you do not open mind to religion, I suggest you stop reading now. I am not posting this to judge what you believe. I am posting this to tell you what I believe. If you disagree with that, I think that’s okay. People are allowed to have different beliefs and as long as you back up what you believe in, then I think you are doing the right thing for YOU. And that’s all that really matters.

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I’m 27 years old and I’ve actually attended a church sermon on a Sunday morning, probably less than 10 times. I’m not ashamed of that by any means. I just wasn’t brought up that way. And I think that’s okay. I still believe in God and I still believe I’m going to heaven.

The times I did actually attend church, I was with my stepmom. She told me I needed to get baptized in order to go to Heaven. She told me I was going to go to Hell if I didn’t. I was probably around 6 or 7 years old when she brainwashed me with this. I say brainwashed because I don’t think that’s true. I think if you do right by God, He will make sure you go to Heaven. I don’t think being baptized means you are safe. What if you are baptized and you commit unthinkable crimes? Crimes so awful that you are put on death row for the rest of your life. Does that still make you in the “safe-zone” for going to Heaven? I would like to think, no. I could very well be wrong, though.

I’ve also never, ever been a praying woman. Until recently. I remember occasionally saying the bedtime prayer, “Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if I shall die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.” I still to this day pray this before going to sleep. Not every night, maybe not even every week, but I do pray it. But, actually praying is different. Asking Him to guide you, is different. Asking for signs is different.

I never really, actually talked to God or prayed until I had my miscarriage. I kept asking God over and over why he took my twins? How could drug addicts and alcoholics and people who didn’t take care of their babies have a perfectly normal and healthy pregnancy and a perfectly normal and healthy baby? I didn’t understand. I was plain losing faith. Faith that never really existed to begin with.

I remember the exact moment I asked Him for a sign. We were at a Sunday Mass on Dec 22, 2013. We were at Mass because my new nephew, Hank, was getting baptized. He was 2 months old. And it was 2 months ago that I had lost the twins. I was feeling exceptionally vulnerable. I can’t explain it, but from the moment I walked into the church, I was literally fighting back tears. All I could think about was the twins. When the sermon finally started after all the baptism activities, I swear the Pastor was speaking directly to me. His sermon was about God giving you signs. You asking God for signs and him delivering the message back to you. Every word, every sentence just stuck with me. It was probably the first time I actually listened to an entire sermon. The whole time, I was fighting back tears. So, I finally prayed while we were there and spoke to God and asked for a sign. I needed a sign that I was going to be okay. I needed a sign that I was going to feel better. I needed a sign that my life would go on without my twins. I needed answers and a lot of them. I just talked to Him. All of this was in my head, but I know He heard me.

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Whenever I walked out of church, I had a very unrealistic expectation of white doves flying around or butterflies fluttering around me. At that time, to me, that would have be validation that He heard me. I was so discouraged when I didn’t receive the sign I was looking for.

A short 4 days later, the day after Christmas, I took a pregnancy test, and I found out I was pregnant with Raelynn. I knew everything was going to be okay. To me, that was a sign that everything was going to be okay. It wasn’t the white doves or butterflies I had hoped for; no, this was much more powerful than that. A simple sign that I was carrying another baby was enough for me. I think it’s all about how you interpret things. To some, this may have not been a sign at all, and that’s okay. You don’t have to think that or believe that. But I do, and to me, that’s all the matters.

February was our first ultrasound with Raelynn. All we cared about was a healthy baby. In the ultrasound room we found out there was a viable baby in there and for the first time in a long time, we were so happy. When we went to the exam room for the doctor to come in she immediately told us that we needed to go see another doctor because her ultrasound was showing markers of downs syndrome. Instantly, our happiness was gone.

When we got home that night, I told Scott we needed to pray every night for a healthy baby. And we did just that. We prayed every single night. And 9 months later we got a perfectly healthy little girl.

Now, we are still waiting on her blood work to come back to hopefully tell us that she is just anemic due to an iron deficiency and that she does not have a blood disorder. I have prayed several times that she doesn’t have this. I just want her to have a happy, normal life. I really do. I don’t want anything to hold her back.

When we were a the doctor on Monday to get her blood drawn, I started walking the halls with her because it was taking forever and she was getting antsy. So, I started praying aloud with her in my arms. I prayed that she didn’t have the blood disorder and I prayed the iron supplements were working and I prayed that everything was going to be okay. I ended my prayer with “Amen” and I will be damned if she didn’t say “Amen” after me. I was shocked. I hugged her tight and I said, “That’s right Rae, we say Amen.” And she said Amen again.

Yesterday, I got an amazing text message from my daughter’s daycare. The ladies name is Retha and she is a very religious person that is a firm church-goer. She said, “I have the kids say their prayers before breakfast and lunch. This morning I said let’s pray and Raelynn out her hands together and when I finished praying Raelynn said Amen! It was so sweet.” Talk about making my heart melt. My eyes welled up with tears of happiness.

Throughout all of my job drama and house drama, I constantly and continually just asked Him for guidance. I knew He wouldn’t put me in the wrong situation. I knew I/we would end up where I/we needed to be.

I’ve had an exceptionally rough two weeks. Between dealing with Raelynn and constantly worrying, doing some side work for extra money and being away from home for 12-16 hours a day, pure exhaustion, it was just all mounting. I’ve been so overwhelmed and anxious lately. I needed some guidance. I reached out to a former co-worker who I’ve kept in contact with over the years. Her husband is a Pastor and they are firm followers of God and the church and the bible. I told her I needed to hear something positive. She said, “Sweetie, I have learned that if I trust in the Lord, He will never let me go through something he doesn’t think I can handle. I may not believe in myself but the Lord believes in me. Sometimes I just have to give the problem to Him because I can’t handle it. I just say Lord you know what’s right in this situation and I trust you to work it out for my good. And you know…it does work in my favor. I may not like the test he’s letting me go through, but I definitely learn from it and grow stronger from the experience. I may not get to talk to you or see you like I would like, but I love you like you were my own. And the Lord loves you too. Phillipians 4:13. Write it on your bathroom mirror. Post it in your car. Again I love you. I’m always here.” Tears, the entire time. She just always knows exactly what to say. I didn’t even tell her what was going on, I just told her I needed guidance and she said all of this.

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There’s not really a point to all of this. Throughout all of this, I’ve just learned that God really is watching out for me. He puts people and situations in my life that I may not understand at the time why He is doing this, but it will all eventually make sense.

I still do not plan on attending church. I think if I keep talking to God the way I have been, He will take care of me. I may reconsider if Raelynn or a future child wants to attend church. I will never deny them of that experience. I want my kids to form their own opinion in what they believe in. If it doesn’t agree with mine, then so be it. They don’t have to agree with me. I want my kids to think for themselves and not be influenced by others. I want my kids to be their own individuals and be leaders in their generation.

–The Kentucky Momma

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