So, What Can I Worry About Next?

It’s a never ending cycle. I swear.

We have our hopefully, **fingers crossed**, last appointment for Raelynn’s blood work on November 13th. We just have to go to the pediatrician and she has to get her finger pricked and I think they will be able to test it in the office. So, we should be able to know immediately if her iron is okay, which I really feel that it is. She is just a completely different person, but for the better. Just more energy in general and happier.

So, what could I POSSIBLY have to worry about when Raelynn has essentially done a 180 for the better?

She has ZERO teeth at 14 months old. My stupid anxious personality automatically assumes something is wrong. So what do I do? Turn to Dr. FUCKING Google because he is the best doctor out there. Don’t. Just don’t start this awful habit that I started during my first pregnancy. It’s the worst possible thing you could do. Basically Dr. Google says she is going to die because she has no teeth at 14 months old.

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Here is her big ‘ol gummy smile. It is pretty cute.

I thought she was teething at 4 months old, but obviously that was not the case. I was a first time mom and since she starting putting her hands in her mouth, I automatically assumed she was about to get some teeth. No. That’s what babies do when they discover they can put shit in their mouth. They gum on anything and everything, including their hand, because why not? What else do they have to do at 4 months old?

I don’t really have anything to compare to, but I don’t think she has showed any real signs of teething. Her gums are not white, you cannot see any teeth about to come through, she’s not screaming in pain or gumming on things. I don’t know. I really don’t. I had a dream a while back that she had 8 teeth come in simultaneously. It’s looking like that dream is going to be reality.

Anytime she is really fussy, I used to think, Okay, this is going to be it, she’s finally going to get a tooth. And then nothing. Just a fussy baby, and no tooth.

From what my mom has told me, I was a late bloomer as well. I did not get any teeth until I was 14 months old either. And apparently, your offspring tends to follow suit when it comes to this. I can only hope this is true with her. She is a little over 14 months so hopefully they will come in sooner rather than later, for my sanity. I know I am 100% going to regret asking for this because all of her teeth are going to come in one after the other and it’s all going to be in the middle of the night. I just know it.  But, I just want to know that she has teeth in her head and they are just being stubborn in coming through.

Below is a “normal” tooth eruption chart

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According to this, Raelynn should have about 6 – 8 teeth right now. Her pediatrician said they are not going to be concerned until she is about 15 or 16 months, which unfortunately is fastly approaching. I am assuming if she still doesn’t have any teeth at that point, they will send her to a pediatric dentist to get X-Rays which I will not be too thrilled about. Then, of course, I have read horror stories on the internet about babies having to get surgery to get their gums cut so the teeth will come through. God help me if that’s true.

Developmentally she is fine. She’s hit all milestones within reason. In my heart, I just know that she is going to be a late bloomer and I hope it doesn’t come to her having to go to the dentist to get checked out.

I am almost wondering if her iron deficiency had anything to do with it? I can’t find anything clear cut on the internet, but I fully intend on asking her pediatrician the next time we go in there.

I know I will always worry about everything. It’s just who I am. But, I just need a tooth or two to pop through so I can stop worrying for now until I find something else to worry about.

–The Kentucky Momma

Oh You Know, Just Another Weekend Recap :)

This weekend was an emotional mess for me.

  1.  Scott and I did not have a good weekend. I will explain later.
  2.  We had an open house this weekend with no visitors.
  3.  It was the two year anniversary since I had lost the twins.
  4.  An article was published about me and my PPD and my blog was recognized pretty publicly.
  5. I had a pretty good therapy session this morning

Woah.

So, I feel like I have to disclose this first. Scott is and continues to be my number one supporter. I don’t know what I would do without him. He is one of the best guys ever. I feel like, like most couples, we’ve just been in a really rough patch lately and it just all kinda came to a head on Saturday. Long story short, he went out on Friday night and didn’t get home until 3 in the morning. I don’t care that he did this, I just hate that he doesn’t text me and tell me what he is doing. I woke up at 2:30 in the morning and he wasn’t there. I knew he was out with friends, but my phone had no text or voicemail explaining his plans for the night. To me, it’s a respect thing. I’ve expressed this to him several times, and I will get that call or text that I’m looking for 1 out of every 4 times he goes out.

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I wish…..

Anyways, I let him sleep a little longer in hopes that he would help me be productive for the day and get the house cleaned…Haha. No. He watched Raelynn while I cleaned and I’m totally okay with that. I was hoping that when we laid her down for her nap, we could really knock some shit out and tag team it and get everything done. Haha. No. We had just put her down and I finished up washing the dishes and I went in the living room to tell him something and his ass was sleeping. OH EM GEE, I was fired up. I let him sleep. I didn’t even bother to wake him up. I busted my ass and got the whole entire house cleaned by the time we had to leave. I didn’t say a word. We also had a birthday party to attend. So I put on a happy face while we there. Boy, when I got home, I really laid into him. And then we didn’t talk for the rest of the night.  I went to bed at 9:00pm because I was tired of sitting there in silence.

Of course, when I woke up the next day, instantly, the twins were on my mind. I could barely hold back my tears. Raelynn was being exceptionally lovey and it made my heart happy. Scott finally got out of bed around 9:30am and I had no intentions on talking to him. He suggested around 10am that we go get breakfast at Cracker Barrell. I agreed because in my mind we could have a civil conversation in public without me blowing up again.

We did have a civil conversation about a lot of things. Not just things that happened this weekend. We have been really disconnected lately on all levels. I don’t think either of us meant for that to happen. We just developed such a routine and it’s hard to sway from that. There are some days when we can’t even carry on a conversation. Not for lack of having things to talk about but because we put our phones and/or a TV show first. It’s really been eating me up. I did not want to continue on this path especially since we have started trying for another baby.

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I opened up to the therapist about all of this today and she said that it was good that I recognized the disconnect and we are trying to address it. She suggested things like, putting phones away and TV off for 15-30 minutes each day and just talking a little bit. This may sound so dumb. But it’s so true. Just recently, Scott and I celebrated out 3 year anniversary. We went to a local restaurant, ordered wings, a couple pitchers of beer, watched sports, and talked. We REALLY talked. Scott talked my ear off about some things going on at work that I had no idea about. And I know that I still wouldn’t’ know about them if we hadn’t went to dinner that night. Things as simple as that, we take for granted. I hate that we have got to this point that we almost don’t know what is going on in one another’s lives. It boggles my mind. So, I am going to suggest this to him and see what he says…

The phones are a whole other issue. Again, it’s not that we do it on purpose, but we will literally sit on our phones for hours on end and not even recognize that we are in the same room with each other because we won’t talk for those hours we are on our phones. My therapist told me that phones have obviously created a huge barrier for some couples and I can totally see that. I just didn’t imagine that Scott and I would be that couple. I’m going to suggest from certain times of the day when we are together, we not be on our phones at all unless taking a call or texting someone back. LOL we will see how that goes over.

We had an open house with no visitors. We still have our house. No one wants it. FUCKING DONE. I’m not even elaborating any more on this subject.

 

Of all weekends, this was the last weekend I wanted to be having an argument with Scott because it was the 2 year anniversary since my D&C. It’s the day I officially feel like I lost the twins. I wanted and needed his support. And I know he needed mine too. The loss of the twins still affects him too. That’s why I was thankful for our reconciling conversation on Sunday morning at breakfast. I had a small, private breakdown at home in memory of the twins, and I went about my day. I’m thankful for having Raelynn because even though I think about the twins every day, she takes my mind off them temporarily.

The most exciting news….I was featured in an article on a website called Mashable. It was about real people and their experiences with postpartum depression and anxiety. A writer reached out to me on Twitter. She had the blue check mark by her name which meant she was the real deal. I was shocked. She interviewed me over the phone for about an hour about my story and told me I would hear something soon. Not even a week later, the story is published. Here is the link: Click here for PPD Story . It actually felt really good to get a lot of those emotions out. I tend to be a pretty private person when it comes to this stuff. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer and talk about all my bad experiences and bring people down whenever they have good experiences with their baby. Also, I don’t like judgement. Judgement is passed all day, every day on new mothers and that is the last thing I wanted. I did not want to be scrutinized for what I was feeling. Very few people even know about my blog. Maybe, a handful. I’ve slowly been telling people, but still with reserve. My blog was not really intended for people to read. It was originally established for me to vent or remember things that happened and then retelling the experiences to my therapist. But now, knowing that someone can relate to my story, it’s pretty liberating and freeing. And I’m not ashamed of my story. It’s part of me. And I’m okay with that.

Until next time…

–The Kentucky Momma

Parenting Advice

Since I’m the mother of one 14 month old, I feel as though I am qualified to give out unsolicited parenting advice: DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!

Well…within reason…

I think everyone has been subjected at some point and time over the course of their parenting journey on a short “how to be a parent” lesson or “how to accomplish a task that involves a child” when you never asked for advice in the first place. Unsolicited advice or remarks are, unfortunately, a part of life. No one knows how to keep their opinion or thoughts to themselves. It’s just actual word vomit. I don’t care if you have 0 children or 20 children, I don’t want your input unless I ask for it. It’s probably one of my top 3 pet peeves on this Earth. I try very hard to be mindful of comparing or giving out advice when it’s not asked for. I don’t want your advice, therefore, I assume you don’t want mine, unless you specifically ask for it.

I am a FIRM, so very FIRM believer in parenting the way you feel is right for you and your family. Period. What works for you and your family IS the right way to parent and don’t ever let anyone tell you different. What works for you and your family is the RIGHT way to parent, but DO NOT try and say your way of parenting is the holy grail of parenting because then you are just dumb. There are so many different parenting scenarios and situations and you will have to adapt and do what’s best for you and your family. AND THAT’S OKAY. From one person and baby and family to the next, there are so many different aspects of life that make them parent the way they do. AND THAT’S OKAY. You adapt and move on with life.

I just saw a Facebook post that pretty much drove me to write this piece. Here is the Facebook post with pictures:

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These few pictures describe SO many different aspects of parenting and they are all RIGHT. I don’t know any of the women in these pictures, but I am sure they have adapted to their personal situations, they all have healthy, thriving babies, and they are raising their babies to the best of their abilities. And that’s all that matters.

I like to give examples because I think it makes me believable 🙂

There are three of my friends, four including myself, that all had babies in a five month window: Luke 15 months, Raelynn 14 months, Grayson 13 months, and Preslie 10 months. I have been close with the mothers and the fathers of these babies for a very long time. For the most part we all grew up together, were involved in the same things, hung out together, etc. Every single one of these babies are parented differently. AND THAT’S OKAY! Some breastfeed, some formula feed, some do CIO, and some can’t do CIO, some cosleep, some have their babies in the crib, all of our birth stories are different, all of our maternity leaves were different, and all four of us have healthy, thriving, happy babies.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

**drops mic, steps off stage**

–The Kentucky Momma

CrossFit

I realized that through all of my postpartum depression, anxiety, Raelynn filled posts that I have neglected talking about CrossFit.

Ever since I started my new job, I was struggling BIG time to make it to my CrossFit box. I tried evening and morning classes and nothing was working. Because of the location of my new job, I was driving 100+ miles a day if I went to the gym. So, instead, I was making excuses not to go. I didn’t feel like getting up at 4:30 a.m. to start my day. Driving to the gym was a literal back track. It was the opposite direction of my house and my job. I knew as soon as I started making excuses, it was time for a change. I had to change something or else I was going to quit completely and I didn’t want to do that. Luckily for me, there is a CrossFit box right around the corner from my new job. It was pretty much a no brainer to make the switch. I plan on being at this job for a while so I wanted to make the switch to accommodate me. I started at my new box this week and I like it. I didn’t think I would hate it, but change in general is just scary, at times. I can get up later, which is always a plus. I have more time time for things in the evenings. It was definitely a good change.

While I was on Pinterest today, I came across an article that is so accurate, its’ scary about the emotions of CrossFit. Click Here to see the page. In summary these are the emotions of CrossFit as written by Lea Genders in her blog, Running with Ollie:

1.  Fear and Dread:
This is how I feel when I read about the upcoming WOD on my box’s Facebook page.  I often worry think about the WOD for up to eight hours before actually doing it.  This is kind of absurd considering the WOD itself only lasts between 7-20 minutes.   This is where I have to learn to fight my brain and push past the negative thoughts that tell me I’d rather go home and watch prime time television (or sleep in).  Of course it is going to be hard.  It is supposed to be hard.  That is kind of the point.

2.  Acceptance:
Once I arrive at the Box, I instantly feel better.  Everyone is very friendly and supportive.  It is probably the least intimidating gym environment I have ever been in, as far as the other athletes personalities are concerned.  There are more than enough people around willing to help build you up, to give you pointers and the confidence you need to get through it.  I even start to get this false hope that it won’t be that bad.

3.  Pain & Suffering:
This is how I frequently feel during the WOD.  I sometimes actually worry that I might die (or puke).  At times I have seriously contemplated throwing down the barbell and running out the back door in tears to never return again (I would never actually do that).  I feel pain.  I am suffering.  I am making faces that would scare small children (no one take my picture please).  I am paying someone money to feel this kind of pain?  What is wrong with me?  I remind myself this is all making me stronger. I am doing this on purpose.

4.  Total Elation:
Immediately following the 7-20 minutes of pure hell, I feel a top-of-the-world elation that is hard to describe. It is kind of like a runners high, but better.   I may be laid out on the floor while I am feeling this, but even if I finished in very last place, I pretty much feel like a total bad-ass.  These are probably some of the happiest minutes of my day (outside of the time I spend with hubby). 

5.  Excitement:
This is the part when I go home and all I can talk about (to my poor Hubby and anyone else who will pretend to listen) is CrossFit.  I rehash every miserable minute with such enthusiasm, one might think I was crazy.  Wait, I’m confused,  it sucked? So why are you so happy? I am very excited at this point to face the next challenge.  I imagine my future-self doing unassisted pull-ups, handstand push-ups, and back squatting my own body weight!  I can’t wait for the next class…until the next day’s WOD is posted on their Facebook page.

Literally, EVERY. SINGLE. EMOTION. EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. of this article is SOOOO accurate.

Very simply put, CrossFit has been one of the best things that has happened to me during all of my low points. It has helped bring me back up and maintain my happiness. I’m very thankful for everyone I’ve encountered in doing CrossFit so far.

–The Kentucky Momma

So It Begins….

Scott and I have “officially” decided to start trying to have another baby. As in, we literally took the plunge this weekend so there is no going back now…

…And I am scared shitless.

I constantly question and “what if” every other decision in my life, so obviously, I would question this one. I don’t question mine and Scott’s ability to parent. I question the circumstances and situations surrounding us.

Are we really ready for this? Is there ever really a good time? Can I handle two kids under the age of two? What if my post partum depression comes back? Wait…it has never really disappeared…What if I have another miscarriage? Could I really cope with that? What if I don’t have a healthy pregnancy? What if I don’t have a healthy baby? What if something goes wrong in delivery? How am I going to share my love with two kids and my husband? AND two dogs?!

I just wish I could enjoy SOMETHING about pregnancy. I know that as soon as I pee on the stick and see two pink lines, the worry is instantly going to kick in. I have already started praying every single night that I am going to have a happy, healthy, normal pregnancy and a happy, healthy normal baby. I even took it further and prayed that if I had multiples that I would still have a happy, healthy, normal pregnancy, and 2 (oh god, or 3) happy, healthy, normal babies. I felt I needed to cover all bases.

I’m scared I’m going to have multiples again. I lost the twins on 10/25/2013, so almost 2 years ago to the date. I have no idea how I would react to having multiples. More power to all yall momma’s out there that have multiples. You da real MVP. I would like to think I would be better equipped to have multiples this time around than the first time because I actually know what it takes to be a parent. But still, more than one at one time? Seems crazy.

It’s sad that I have to be so scared and anxious about everything. Like, I just want to be happy and enjoy things and embrace my pregnancy because it’s more than likely going to be my last. I want Raelynn to have a sister or a brother close in age to play with and then I’m done. Totally done. I cannot deal with the emotions of being pregnant again and wondering for 40 weeks if my baby is going to be okay in there.

I’m not even pregnant yet and look at all this shit I’m already worrying about. It’s really fucking exhausting.

The other thing that used to worry me that has now moved way down on my list of things to worry about is not having enough space. Our house is obviously not going to sell and we are more than likely going to lose the house we have a contract on and I don’t even care at this point. It’s obviously not meant to be and I’m okay with that. If it doesn’t sell by December then we are going to take it off the market and put it back on in the spring and pray to freaking God that it sells. Maybe there is a house that is going to come up for sale that is amazing with lots of land and a fence for the dogs and it’s going to be way cheaper than the house we have the contract on. That’s what I’m hoping for at least… I know He has a plan for us and it will all make sense in the end.

I hope this time around, I’m pleasantly surprised that my worry and anxiety is gone and I can actually enjoy.

Our Weekend

So, this weekend, my husband and I had plans to attend an annual chili cookoff and then he was going to a concert and he was going out. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do afterwards so we went ahead a got an overnight sitter for Raelynn. During the middle of the week we found out that the chili cookoff got cancelled. I asked my mom if she still wanted to watch Raelynn and she did, and I was happy to oblige. I didn’t have any plans as of yet, but I was sure to come up with something.

I dropped Raelynn off at 9:30am at my mom’s house. Came home and cleaned the house from top to bottom because we did have open house this weekend. Once the house was cleaned, we left and ran some errands and then stopped for lunch, then it was time for Scott to go to the concert, so I dropped him off and went to the grocery since I couldn’t go home yet because open house was still going on. I got home from the grocery and proceeded to start making Raelynn some food for dinner throughout the week. My friend text me and was like, “What are you doing? Do you want to go to dinner?” I honestly didn’t want to go because I was in such a productive groove at home, but I gave in and did. My friend and I are really close, but we hadn’t done anything with just us in a while. It was a good dinner. We did sushi and wine. Can’t go wrong with that. By the time I got home it was about 9:00 p.m.

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Me, being a total mom on a Saturday Night…

Moral of the story, I don’t know how to fucking relax. For the first time since Raelynn had been born, I didn’t have any plans, and I didn’t have Scott home, or Raelynn at home and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I literally do not know how to sit down and read a book, or watch TV, or pick up my phone and scroll through social media for 20 minutes. I HAVE to be doing something. I can’t turn my mind off and I can’t sit down. It’s really annoying. It’s really exhausting. I would really enjoy a weekend where I can “relax” with nothing to do. I feel like I would have to get away in order to enjoy this, because if I’m at home, I’m going to want to be doing something around the house. BUT we can’t get away because we are so busy. Touche.

On Sunday we went to Huber’s. It is a pumpkin patch about an hour north of us. The day was PERFECT. Raelynn had a lot of fun. It’s like an obligatory must attend in the fall. They have a restaurant, all kinds of activities for kids, and most importantly, a winery 🙂 Here are some pictures from our day:

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Have a good week y’all!!

–The Kentucky Momma

An Update on All Things in Life

First and foremost, Raelynn is doing AMAZING. She is the most important thing to me and I’m so thankful that she is okay. She has been responding very well to the iron supplements. My husband and I can tell that she has more energy, she wants to eat more food, and she even extended her bed time until around 8:00 p.m. instead of 7:00 p.m. I’m so thankful the doctor picked up on this. And, it’s just still one of those things that is so common, but you just never think it’s going to happen to you or your family. Most excited for no more blood draws!

Second, FUCK SELLING OUR HOUSE. Our house is officially back on the market after all the bullshit with our prior buyer. We have two open houses this weekend. No requests at all for showings this week, though. Major bummer. But, as I have said before, I will take it as a sign from God that it’s just not our time yet. It will all happen when it’s meant to be. Scott is getting pretty anxious about it, but I’m actually okay with remaining in our house a little longer. Most certainly for sentimental reasons. Weird, I know. One good thing is the house that we have a contract on, they are willing to stick around with us and wait on something to happen with our house. They have put their house back on the market, BUT we still have a contract on it. Basically someone can try to come in and offer something up better than we have. BUT if they don’t then we still get the house. A little confusing, but I am happy they decided to stick with our contract.

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We have “officially” decided to start trying again. This brings on too many emotions and questions. Are we ready to be a family of four? Am I really ready to be pregnant again? Am I equipped to deal with another miscarriage in the event that happens? What if we don’t get a bigger house? How in the hell are we going to fit four bodies into our house? More than anything, I’m just really worried about being pregnant again. I did not enjoy my pregnancy with Raelynn at all because I was worried the whole time that something was going to happen. I was not “connected” with my pregnancy at all. I know it will be the same this time around too. There is just too much shit that can go wrong. I hate that I think like this, but my first pregnancy really ruined me. Then, there’s the question of, is it really possible for me to have two healthy babies? I can’t even explain this, but I feel like there is no way in hell this is going to happen. I had a fairly healthy pregnancy with Raelynn and an easy delivery and overall she is healthy. How can this happen twice? How can I be blessed twice? It may seem illogical, but it’s the way I think. I can’t help it. I just wish I would’ve never had the miscarriage because it has just ruined me.

I am starting a new CrossFit gym on Monday. With my new job, there is one that I can literally walk to so I decided to cancel my membership at my current gym. Since I started my new job, if I go to the gym, I am driving over 100+ miles. I would have to wake up at 4:30 to get there for the morning class, or I wouldn’t get home until 7:30 if I went to the evening class, so this will be a lot better for me. I haven’t been to CrossFit in 2 weeks. This is the longest time I’ve been out. The driving was killing me and I was getting discouraged. I think this is exactly what I need is a new gym. I think being out for two weeks has really done a number on my anxiety and stress levels. I went and talked to the owner at my new gym this past week and he just seemed much more involved and concerned with my personal goals with CrossFit. I’m thinking this is the new perspective that I need.

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My new job is going well. I’m in a position to make bigger decisions than I anticipated, but I’m okay with that. It’s only going to help me in the long run.

That’s all for now…

–The Kentucky Momma