UGHHHHH I need ALLLLLLLL the coffee this morning. I’m running on E and I technically still have three whole days until the weekend. Kill me now.
Scott and I have both been working side jobs, by choice, after our regular jobs to help bring in some extra income for any money we may need that involves the closing of our house. In the long run it will be worth it but we are majorly sacrificing our time with each other and Raelynn lately. Scott takes her to daycare and sees her for the 10 minute car ride there and I have been picking her up and taking her straight to whoever is babysitting her for the night and then Scott and I both are going to do our side jobs. So far this week, we have each pulled between 13-15 hours a day. Not complaining…..just really really really tired…….
Side bar….we are also getting the home inspection on our house today! So finger’s crossed the buyers don’t ask for a million dollars in repairs and we will be one step closer to moving!!
Tonight, we are taking a break though and going to see our new niece, Harper Grace. Scott’s sister had her yesterday and it’s our first niece. We have two nephews so we are excited for a niece. Plus, Raelynn will have a playmate now that is close in age to her.
I’d be lying to you if I said I wasn’t really having baby fever right now. I have a couple of friends that are pregnant and then I’m sure when I go see my beautiful little niece tonight it will confirm my feelings. Whenever I had to take Raelynn to the doctor last week, there was a four day old baby in there and I just started crying. I cried because I certainly do not remember Raelynn being that little, I cried because it was a sweet innocent little baby, I cried because I did not get to enjoy the majority of Raelynn’s infancy due to her colic and then my PPD, I cried because at the moment there are so many things I wish I would have done differently with Raelynn.
I went back to work at two weeks postpartum. Probably not my smartest decision. I thought “routine” would make me feel better. No. I was too worried about work because at that point and time I had the business and I couldn’t afford to be off. WIth the next one, I fully intend to soak up an actual maternity leave since I have a good job. I was too concerned with making sure the house was clean with Raelynn. I can tell you right now, if I ever go to someone’s house after they have a kid, the last thing I care about is what their house looks like. I would offer to do something for them, sweep, clean the dishes, vacuum, fold laundry. I could not stand just sitting there on the couch with her feeding her, holding her while she slept. I wanted like 30 minutes to myself, not holding a child. I am such a “do-er”. I HAVE to be doing something or else I’m not satisfied. I’m not sure how I could change the mindset with the next one, but I will certainly try. This list could go on; this is just naming a few.
More than anything, I am terrified that I will have PPD and anxiety again. Let’s not get it confused, I still suffer from it. Every once in awhile my anxiety will shoot through the roof or I can feel myself starting to settle into a rut, but I know how to cope with it a little better now, so it tends to not stick around as long. All of these feelings are starting to resurface since we are actually considering another baby in the near future. Do I really want to go through this again? Do I really want to have another child? What if I have a miscarriage? I mean, I could “What If” all day long and make about 60 blog posts about it. That’s just the way my mind works. There is so much to consider when bringing another child into the world.
Scott and I religiously listen to the KaneShow in the morning on the way to work and at work and then we either talk about it while we are at work or connect about it when we are at home for the night. It’s just kinda our thing. One of the DJ’s posted that her and her husband were divorcing due to her postpartum anxiety. They have two kids and one of them is around Raelynn’s age and she is still dealing with PP anxiety, like myself. I cried for her, for them, for the babies, for ME. It just totally hit home for me. That could have been Scott and I. Like she posted, it most certainly put a strain on Scott and I’s marriage. I mean, I was fucking certifiably crazy. Still am, just not as bad. I look back at some of the “moments” we had through my PPD and anxiety and I don’t know how he has stayed with. I would have left me. It’s just clarity that Scott and I were meant for each other.
At the end of the day, Scott and I want another baby and, God willing, we would like for that to be sooner rather than later. We aren’t putting a timeline on it. Whenever it happens, we will be happy as long as it’s healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.
–The Kentucky Momma