Life is about change…

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Today is the last day at my current job. I have so many mixed feelings about it; both good and bad.

This job made me feel like I was useful again. it made me feel like more than a milk machine to my little girl. It made me feel like a person again…eventually…

With all that, I also experienced great anxiety and depression from starting a job again.

I started this job because my business was coming to an end. I no longer had the desire to put in the necessary time and effort into the business. I was drained from having a colicky baby. The business just wasn’t working. I didn’t come to terms with this until about a month ago in my therapy session, but looking back, I can now say this with confidence and I’m okay with that.

I told myself that if I was going to get a job, I was going to do it the right way and get a good, full time, permanent job. I reached out to a job recruiter and asked for assistance. They presented me with the opportunity for my current position and I was immediately turned off by it because it was temporary. I still agreed to go on the interview, but I went into it just knowing that I wasn’t going to take it. During the interview process I realized the opportunity was actually something I would be interested in, even though it was temporary. I ended up accepting the position. At this time, Raelynn was 4 months old.

My first day of work was also he first day of daycare. My husband and I dropped her off and there was not a tear to be cried. Since she has colic for the first 4 months, it was somewhat of a relief to get away and be a productive citizen of society.

As time went on at work, my responsibilities increased and so did my depression and anxiety. When Raelynn was 4 months old until she was 6 months old, I had hit an all time low. I didn’t want to be a stay at home mom, but I didn’t want to be at work. I needed a break from my daughter, but I didn’t want her to be at daycare. I didn’t want to pump while I was at work. I wanted to be the one feeding her from my breast, not from a bottle. We had issues that continued to mount at daycare. I would spend at least one entire day a week crying at my desk, accomplishing nothing.

I had to do something. I was not okay with the idea of taking any type of medication. I just never wanted a medication to be my crutch when I was having a nervous/anxious breakdown.

I started therapy and CrossFit. They have both been ESSENTIAL and extremely effective in helping me get stronger mentally. I started both of these simultaneously when Raelynn was 6 months old. I have only went up from there. About that time, I also started taking more pride in the work I did and I….gasp….started to enjoy it. It was eventually presented to me that my time here may not end. And I was surprisingly okay with that.

Until, it did come to an end. Today is the day. I was given ample time to find another job, but, unfortunately, my field is competitive and I am having a hard time securing a position against people that have 15 years experience.

Overall, I would say my experience here has been a positive one. It made me realize that I do want a full time job instead of the business, it made me realize that Raelynn is okay when she is not in my care, it made me realize that the world will continue revolving and there is nothing you can do about it.

I think, overall, I’m more upset right now at the fact that I do not have another position lined up. The uncertainty of my future is hanging in the hopes that one of my interviews will pan out. It’s scary. Very scary. It makes me feel like I have lost control of everything, my life, my family’s well being.

I am hoping the company I had my third interview with last week will call me next week and tell me how wonderful it would be if I became a part of their team. Other than that, I had a phone interview yesterday, and I have two face to face interviews scheduled next week.

2015 has sure been one hell of a ride.

Continue to pray for me y’all. Hopefully I have a positive update next week.

–The Kentucky Momma

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I am THAT Googling Mother…

I am that mother that googles. WHY? WHY do I do this to myself? I’ll never understand because I know what the outcome is. Basically my child is going to die according to google. Every. Single. Time. UGHHH, I hate it!

So, why did I google?

Because my daughter inhaled some bath water last night while playing with a cup. She tipped it right up to her mouth and probably sucked in about a teaspoon, if that. She immediately start coughing, nothing came back up, and she was fine within a matter of realistically about 10 seconds.

Immediately my mind went to secondary drowning. Essentially, secondary drowning is where water gets in the lungs and causes a reaction that is similar to drowning, but it happens over a course of a couple hours or a couple of days.

After her incident, she immediately wanted to get out of the bath because she was shaken up a little. But, she was fine otherwise. And I just couldn’t even stop thinking about secondary drowning. What if I put her to bed and she doesn’t wake up? What if she wakes up in the middle of the night coughing? Does that mean I need to take her to the ER?

I told my husband what I was thinking and he made fun of me. And, honestly, I can totally understand why he made fun of me. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have been swimming at my grandparents and inhaled copious amounts of water and been perfectly fine. I’m pretty sure the majority of us have all been in the situation at one time or another and never thought twice about it. We probably didn’t even get out of the pool to recover. Just coughed it up, gather ourselves, and continued playing.

So, WHY, do I have to be so worried? Even typing it out, I know how ridiculous it sounds. She inhaled next to nothing and if anything, it just stunned her.

I am going to be THAT mother for the rest of her life and my life. Even when she is grown, I know I will be like this.

The outcome: I think it’s safe to assume she’s fine. She didn’t wake up at all last night and she woke up as normal this morning and was acting perfectly fine.

I am just THAT mother.

God help her and my future children.

–The Kentucky Momma

SITTING…WAITING…WISHING…

No…Not the Jack Johnson song…This is actually my life right now…

Well, I had the phone interview with controller of the company I am interested in and I am so unsure of how it went. There was a large then life language barrier. She is located in France, and I was aware of that, but I was not expecting such a huge barrier. Even though she spoke English, it was very broken. I had to ask her to repeat herself several times. Likewise, she had to do the same with me. I could not gauge at all what she thought of me. She asked me all general accounting questions and, in my opinion, I was able to answer them with ease. After all, it’s all I’ve done for the past 9 years.

After the interview was over, I sent a quick email to her thanking her for taking the time to speak with me. Likewise, I also sent an email to the Plant Manager and informed him that we completed our phone interview and it went well. I kept both emails, short, simple, and straight to the point.

Now, I’m waiting and waiting and waiting some more. I HATE this part. I wouldn’t hate it so bad if my financial life didn’t depend on this, but it does, tremendously. My job is ending this Friday and I have nothing else lined up. That is so incredibly scary. I feel like it’s all I’m thinking about. I am constantly checking my email, staring at my phone waiting for “the call”. I’ve even taken it to the point of researching, “how soon is too soon to call after your last interview”. It makes me so nervous and so anxious.

So, in the meantime, I am going to continuously check my email and make sure I stay glued to my phone in hopes of getting my call. I’m trying so hard to stay positive because I really need this. It’s just getting a little hard.

One positive and very awesome thing that is happening today is I am going to Machine Gun Kelly in concert today. I’ve saw him once before and he was amazing. He’s my favorite artist. Definitely looking forward to it tonight. He doesn’t know it yet, but he is my next ex-husband, and yes, my current husband is aware of this.

Pray for me y’all.

–The Kentucky Momma

Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday y’all!! Today is one of the best days of the whole week because I get to spend all day with my baby girl. Sunday is my second favorite day of the week, but I always hesitate to actually “like” a Sunday because it’s one day closer to Monday. I digress..

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So, I kinda wanted to give a short update from my last blog listed here… Click Here

I am in fact still job hunting. It has been a very stressful and time consuming process, especially knowing that my end date of July 31st at my current job is quickly approaching. I’ve come to the realization that I’m more than likely going to be jobless for a couple of weeks before I actually get a job. Job offers are so formal and extremely lengthy these days. I actually had a phone interview on July 16th and it went well. They seemed to like me and I liked the company and what they had to offer me. I was then scheduled to go in for a face to face on July 22nd. It went better than I could have ever imagined. I liked the company even more and I also liked the position even more. I really hate getting my hopes up like this, but I just left feeling really good. I’ve been on so many interviews and felt good leaving them, only to be dismissed. I was told after leaving the interview that if they decided to proceed with me, I would have to talk to the controller of the company whom is located in France. That very night I got an email saying they did want to move forward with me and I should expect an email from the controller to set up a phone interview. The controller contacted me Friday July 24th and I now have a phone interview with her at 8:00 a.m. on Monday. From here, I understand if they still want to move forward with me, the next step is going to be the job offer, then getting all of the necessary background checks, drugs tests, formalities out of the way, and if all that clears, then I will be given a start date. This is the most promising lead I have on a job so fingers crossed this pans out for me. Unfortunately things happen and I’m not counting on this job or getting my hopes up about this job.

So, in the meantime I am still continuing the job hunt. I am working with 5 different staffing agencies as well as looking on my own. Staffing agencies are definitely becoming an overwhelming hurdle for me. A lot of employers are now using staffing agencies as opposed to seeking out potential employees on their own because they essentially pay the staffing agencies to find the right fit for the job and company, do all of the background checks, drug testing, etc. for them. I, personally, do NOT enjoy going through staffing agencies because you have to stay in constant contact with them or else you will fall to the bottom of their list and potentially be passed up for a good job. It’s literally a job in itself to keep up with all of the staffing agencies. But, it’s essentially a necessary evil since so many employers are going this route.

Anyways, point being, y’all pray for me on Monday that all goes well and it will be just one more step in the right direction.

We are still house hunting, but recently we came to the realization that we have already found our house. It was the house referenced in the post above. I just had to get over myself and realize that house really is perfect for us. Of course, there is always something stopping us from getting it…..see above rant on my job situation….It’s also causing us not being able to put an offer in on this house. I have to be hired and employed permanently for 30 days and be able to provide proof of employment before we can put an offer in on the house. Fucking go figure. I swear it’s always something. So now I’m scared to death this house is going to get away from us because of me and my job situation. Just one more hurdle.

Our house is still on the market, but it’s finally drawing some attention from potential buyers. We’ve had two open houses and a total of about 5 people came. This past Thursday and Friday we actually had two scheduled viewings of the house. Everyone has provided pretty positive feedback about the house so that’s always a plus. I’m obviously in no hurry to get it sold because that means we would have to move in with my inlaws until we are able to put an offer in on a house. Just for the record, my inlaws are wonderful and they have the perfect space for us to move in, it’s just kinda one of those things that you don’t really want to do, you know?

One very, very positive thing is Raelynn’s new daycare. O-M-G. I LOVE HER. She is now in an in home daycare and I wish i would have done this from the very beginning. She freaking takes a damn 3 hour nap. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My mind is blown. We can see such a difference in her at night now. She still definitely wants to go to bed at 7:00 p.m., but she is much more pleasant to be around. She is much happier at night now. I just love the laid back feel and homey feel of the new daycare. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

My life isn’t coming to an end. HAHA. (again, referencing the older blog post listed above). I am just going through so many changes that I never expected to be going through. I am not afraid to say this, but I was never a praying woman until I had my miscarriage. Now, I pray all the time for very simple thing to very complex things. He hears me, and I know it. He gives me signs all the time that he does. I just have to take each day in stride and know that it will all work out in the end.

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I swear, Raelynn knows when I am done with my blogging on Saturday mornings because she is now babbling in her crib for me to come get her! HAHA

Have a good weekend y’all!

–The Kentucky Momma

Sick Baby

I’ve been feeling a little selfish lately and only writing about myself. I do in fact have a sick baby girl. Here is a picture of her snuggled up with daddy.

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She has had her first and second ear infection within a 3 week span. I am assuming since she is in daycare it’s gets passed around like crazy there. They first prescribed her amoxicillin which I’ve heard is basically prescribed for everything under the sun. My pediatrician failed to tell me that it has the potential to upset their stomach. Of course, i gave it to her without food one night and she literally screamed from 4:30pm – 11:30pm and there wasn’t anything i could do to help soothe her. It was pretty much a flashback of her colic days. Probably a little extreme, but it made me rethink having another child anytime soon because I’m not sure I want to deal with that again. We bounced and rocked and swung and repeated all of that about a hundred times. Finally I broke out my moby wrap and put her in there which only worked for about 30 minutes. Finally around 10:30p.m. i decided it was time to put her in the car. It never worked before, so I wasn’t sure why it was going to work now, but i was out of options. Of course, it didn’t work. So when I got back home with her around 11:00p.m., I just had to put her in the crib and let her cry it out. I am not a fan at all of crying it out. I hate it actually. It just breaks my heart into tiny pieces. BUT I was exhausted, she was exhausted, and my husband has not patience when it comes to these things, so this was my last resort. It only took about 10 minutes and she was out. I called the pediatrician the next day and they told me to give her yogurt and gas drops with the medicine. I did that every time afterwards and she was perfectly fine. After that night, she was find for about 2 weeks and then she got sick again. Same thing. She started running a fever, the fever never went down, so the next day, we took her to the doctor. Ear infection again. This time, they prescribed her different medicine and I actually do not know the name of it. But I only have to give it to her once a day for 10 days, which is nice. I still make sure I feed her before I give her the medicine and I give her gas drops.

On top of all of this, I’m unsure if she is teething or not. She is 10 1/2 months old and doesn’t have any teeth yet. Obviously, I can read about all the symptoms in the world about teething and it’s lead me to believe she’s been teething since she was about 3 months old. She chews on everything and her gums have been white for a couple of months. I did not get teeth until after I was a year old and I’ve heard that could be hereditary. Regardless, the past two nights, she will not go to sleep on her own. I’m sure it’s a combination of her being sick and possibly teething and allergies. Oh my goodness, her poor allergies are awful. The first night it took us about 2 1/2 hours to successfully get her down. Last night it took about 1 hour to successfully get her down. I should be thankful that she is still sleeping through the night, but i tell ya, whenever you fall into a routine, you get spoiled and expect the same thing to happen ever night. Isn’t that awful?

The doctor told me it takes about 3 days for the antibiotic to get in her system and today is day 3, so hopefully we start to see signs of improvement. Fingers crossed!

–The Kentucky Momma

How do you know when the time is right?

Again….I find myself lacking writing in my blog. I think everyday that I need to, but I just never get around to it.

Update from my last blog:

  1. I was “officially” told my last day would be July 31st, 2015.
  2. We are still house hunting
  3. Our house is officially on the market
  4. Raelynn is changing day cares
  5. My life is coming to an end..

…Not really, but sometimes I feel like my life is so chaotic and I bring it on myself.

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First bullet point, I was told officially through a text message when my last day would be. Cool. I am scared to death that I’m going to be jobless. The way interviews go these days, it’s like a 4 month long process. I actually went on an interview that was really good. I really liked the people and the company, but the money just wasn’t right. It really got me down. The people i interviewed with even told me I was their top candidate. The CEO only gave them approval for a certain amount and of course he was on vacation. They are going to reevaluate whenever he comes back on 7/13, but they are pursuing another candidate.

Second bullet point, we are having no luck house hunting. We found one that we really liked, but the neighborhood is holding me back. I’m looking to upgrade in all shapes and forms when it comes to buying a new house. I want a slightly bigger house, i want a much bigger yard, and I want to live in a better neighborhood. We don’t necessarily live in bad neighborhood now, there are just certain neighbors i don’t care to be around anymore. We have been to this particular house twice now and our realtor keeps asking me what is holding me back. I told her i couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was telling me no. She asked what my gut said, and i very instinctively said no. She said, there’s your answer then. Maybe I’m making excuses, but there is just something about that house that is telling me, no.

Third bullet point, yes, we still put our house on the market even considering all of the above. Our contingency plan is if we sell our house quicker than we find one, we will move in with my in laws. While the situation is not ideal, it is the best plan. We’ve only had one person come look at our house so far, but that’s okay. because i’m honestly in no hurry to get rid of it unless we find a house that I just feel like I can’t live without.

Fourth bullet point, Raelynn is in fact changing daycare’s. She is going to be in an in home daycare where the rules are a little more lax. At her current daycare, she can’t sleep with a blanket, she can’t eat finger foods, they will not put lotion on her without a doctors note, they will not feed her what i want unless they have a doctors note. It was just becoming a little too much for me. So, we made the decision to switch. We’ve met with the person that’s going to be taking care of her, and we are more than happy I think it will be a positive change for all parties involved.

Fifth bullet point, while my life is not actually coming to an end, I feel like it is sometimes. Like, how do you know when is the right time to sell your house? How do you know when is the right time to buy a house? Am I making the right decision to switch Raelynn’s daycare? What if I am jobless? Then we really might be homeless. There are just so many unanswered questions. Some days all of my decisions feel right, some days some of my decisions feel right, and most days all of my decisions feel wrong.

If you have followed any of my other blog posts, i’m sure you could imagine how my anxiety and stress level are…Bottom line, I want to be happy what I’m doing and I want to be able to provide for my family.

–The Kentucky Momma