Struggling with my Career

Career Struggle

Scott and I have recently decided that it was time to sell our house and buy a new one. We are very quickly outgrowing our 1000 sq ft house.

Little did I know, I could not get preapproved for a loan with a temporary job status. So, last Thursday, I approached my boss and asked if my job had the potential to be permanent. She told me probably not, which was okay with me. It really was. I just didn’t expect that 4 days later I would be finding out that I needed to find ANOTHER new job within the month.

I feel like I’ve put my family in a really bad situation.

A little job history…I left my stable job because I was at a plateau monetarily and with advancement. I wanted something different.

Health care is a booming and stable field in Louisville, KY so I figured I would test the waters. I absolutely hated health care. I realized very quickly the field wasn’t for me.

While I was at the healthcare company, I had the crazy idea to start my own bookkeeping business. I was at my corporate job for 3 months when I decided to start the business.

I worked day in and day out to get the business running. I worked my full time job until I had enough clients to take over that income and quit my full time job. I LOVED running my business. I loved the schedule, I loved everything about it. I especially loved being my own boss.

Then, my biggest client decided he wanted to bring the position in house. We parted ways and that’s when the business took a tumble. Raelynn was 4 months old when this happened.

I could not afford to not have a job at that point. So, I took on a temporary job while still maintaining all of my other clients.

Soon after I went to work at my temporary job, I developed acute postpartum depression, and extreme anxiety. It literally consumed my life. I hated it. I hated everything. I hated everyone. I was mad. I was sad.

Career Struggle

I was every emotion you could ever imagine being, except happy.

That’s when I started therapy. Therapy had been a very positive thing for me. At my last session on Monday, June 8th. I told her I was really enjoying my job. I was certain they were going to continue to extend my contract. But, I told her I was extremely stressed with managing my clients. I felt like I was doing a disservice to them by essentially juggling two jobs. Plain and simple, I wasn’t giving my clients enough of my time. And I found that I was okay with that. That feeling made me realize it was time to move on from the business.

I decided that I wanted to close the business. My therapist and I talked about ways to break the news to my clients. By the time I left the appointment, I felt really good about my decision to end the business.

Then….the exact same day…literally three hours after my appointment, my biggest client that dropped me, called me and wanted me back.

WHAT IN THE HELL?

I had finally come to terms with my the decision to end the business, then this happened. My mind was racing. I didn’t know what to do. There were now so many options to explore now. This could be a real window of opportunity.

But, I was immediately having reservations. My main thing, I just didn’t really think I had it in me to run the business anymore. With my current mental state, I just had zero desire to bring on more stress. So, I decided that I wasn’t going to do it. All of this is honestly just the biggest mind fuck.

Having Raelynn has completely changed the person I am and the person that I want to be. Sure, I want to provide for my daughter and to the best of my ability, allow her to have the best life possible. But, I do not want to sacrifice time with her. Starting the business again would cause my stress level to go through the roof and work days, nights, and weekends. I’m just not willing to do that.

THEN…LITERALLY THE NEXT DAY…I find out that I’m losing my temporary job.

Yes, I have time to find another one, but there are so many fears that I have. This job I’m at now is pretty awesome actually. As long as I work my eight hours a day, it doesn’t matter what time I come in. I have the ability to work from home at times. It’s so laid back.

Am I going to find this somewhere else? Probably not. Am I going to accept a job that I ultimately hate in order to get a paycheck each week? More than likely, yes. I’m scared. I’m so scared of what the future holds. I want a stable, full time job, with benefits that pays decent and has decent hours. More importantly, I want to enjoy what I’m doing. That’s so, so, so important to me.

Let the job hunt commence….