Feeling Incomplete

I’m not feeling like myself today at all. I even had a therapy appointment yesterday and it just wasn’t very insightful like the last two have been, so I’m somewhat struggling today. I really can’t explain what goes on in my head. Like, everything is fine and well and then all of a sudden, I just get really anxious and start thinking about anything and everything. Nothing triggers it, it just happens. It really sucks. I feel like this therapy appointment didn’t really have a purpose. It was sort of all of the place. At my previous appointment, she had asked me to write a timeline from 0 – 18 years, pointing out major events, to maybe gauge where this anxiety is stemming from. This is my timeline:

1988 – Born on January 4th

1992 – 4 years old – 9/22/1992 – Dad left my mom. He left a voicemail on the answering machine saying he was leaving her for someone else. He had been cheating on her with Devona, which is now my stepmom. They worked together and that’s how they met. Early that year, I remember going over to her house with my dad because they had a cookout and my mom was working late. I would assume they were probably seeing each other then.

1993 – 5 years old – 3/1/1993 – Mom and Dad divorce final

1995 – 7 years old – my mom started dating Mark, my now stepdad.

1996 – 8 years old – early 1996, dad stopped picking me up for visits. I was supposed to be seeing him every other weekend, but that wasn’t always the case. I somewhat remember this, but my mom filled in the blanks; she said I wouldn’t want to leave the house in case he called to come get me. This was obviously before cell phones. More than likely, if he called and we weren’t there he would move on with his life, go to the bar, get drunk, etc. Christmas Eve, Mark proposed to my mom.

1997 – 9 years old – January 1997; my mom’s parents, my grandparents split up after 35 years of marriage. My grandma said she wasn’t in love with my grandpa anymore. They were divorced in May 1997. 7/19/1997  – my mom got remarried to Mark, my stepdad. They are still together.

2000 – 12 years old – started middle school.

2001 – 13 years old – dad wanted to see me for Christmas. he visited me on my front porch in the cold for 5 minutes while Devona (stepmom), Christopher(step brother), and Jennifer (step sister) sat in the car and stared.  First time I’ve saw him since 1996.

2002 – 14 years old – Started high school. Started my first job at a daycare to save up to buy a car when I turned 16. Ever since my first job, I’ve always worked. No breaks in between jobs. Early 2002 I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol. Main influence was I had a friend that had 3 older brothers. We were in the 8th grade and they were all in high school.

2003 – 15 years old – 4/22/2003 – started dating Scott (my husband). Stopped all recreational drugs in June 2003.

2004 – 16 years old – 1/3/2004 – broke up with Scott. 9/18/2004 – started dating Scott again and we’ve been together ever since. Scott and I dated other people in between, but obviously ended up back together. Bought my first car. I paid for every penny of it by myself. Left first job, and started my second job. My transmission went out in my car. My dad and I communicated through email. I was telling him about it and he came over the next day to fix it. First time I’d saw him since 2001.

2006 – 18 years old – 6/5/2006 – graduated high school. 9/2006 – started college

I also feel like I must point out that I 100% do not believe I had a bad life growing up. I know if some people looked at this timeline they would consider me lucky. Hell, I consider myself lucky. I truly believe if my alcoholic dad had stayed around, my life would have been way worse.

I think after the appointment, i was just feeling really incomplete. It had me thinking about all of this old stuff. At other appointments she had been giving me a “task” to complete each time so I had something to work on and she didn’t at this one. Also at my last appointment she told me that I needed to start crafting again and I simply haven’t found time for that.

Time is a huge anxiety factor for me. I feel like there is not enough time in the world to accomplish everything that needs to be done in a day’s work. I know I’m not alone on that. I know there are millions of people in this world that feel like that. Between work, CrossFit, caring for Raelynn, cleaning the house, the list goes on; I just feel like it’s a complete cluster fuck.

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I’m starting to think I may have a little social anxiety as well. If you’re not from the state of Kentucky or have never heard of the Kentucky Derby, I feel sorry for you. It’s literally the best time to be in Kentucky. The great thing is, there is a two week span of awesome events to kick off the Derby. The kickoff always starts with Thunder over Louisville, which is this upcoming Saturday. Basically it’s an all day party in downtown Louisville. Fried food, all the beer you can drink, the sun is actually going to be out this year and it’s supposed to be 80 degrees, friends, family, an air show during the day, followed by the main event at night which is the huge firework show. It’s such a good time…and I really do not even want to waste my time going. I would so much rather stay at home with Raelynn. I’m already thinking of excuses for me not to go. I just don’t understand. It really sucks. The old me couldn’t wait to go eat all the food in the world and drink all the beer my stomach could handle and rip and roar all day long. That’s just not me anymore. I’m somewhat okay with that, but somewhat not okay with that.

And this is just the first of many, many events that I am used to being involved in. Not to mention, last year i didn’t participate in any because I was pregnant with Raelynn. I feel like this is my year! And instead of being excited, I’m constantly making excuses as to why I can’t go. I don’t even really make excuses, I just flat out tell people, I would rather spend time with Raelynn that go down there. I know I need to have fun and I know I would have fun if I actually went, it’s just a matter of getting myself down there.

Sometimes, I really miss my old self. Sometimes, I’m glad I’m the person I am now. All the time, I want this anxiety to be gone.

–The Kentucky Momma

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