I have ALWAYS been very career oriented. Almost to a fault. I used to be a “work-a-holic”. On more than one occasion, I’ve put my work before my husband. I’m not proud to say that, but it’s certainly happened in the past. I worked at a place for almost 8 years and I left because I had reached a plateau monetarily and with advancement. I felt like a pretty important person there. I was considered the “go-to” when it came to a lot of situations. I didn’t realize how much I enjoyed that until I left. I moved on to the corporate world which was awful. I never want to do that again. I started my own business which was wonderful. Certainly had more downs than ups. But I loved working for myself. The downs of the business because more plentiful and I had to get a full time job. It was not an option for me to be a stay at mom. We simply have too much debt. Student loans are kicking our asses.
Raelynn was 4 months old when I had to go back to work. It was and has been the most torturing time of my life. I NEVER EVER thought I would have such a hard time with leaving her. I thought to myself over and over that I couldn’t wait to go back to work because I would feel like something other than a milk machine. Wrong. I thought getting back into a good, steady routine would help me feel better about a lot of things. Wrong. Totally and completely wrong.
I hate leaving her every single day. I hate dropping her off at daycare every single day. I hate being hooked up to a pump every single day. I hate only getting to spend barely 2 hours with her every single day. I hate that she is fussy for those 2 hours because she doesn’t sleep at daycare at all. EVERY SINGLE DAY. You get the picture. In all honestly, I feel as she has gotten older, that it’s only gotten worse. Daycare gets to spend the majority of the time with her. They get to witness all of her firsts now. How is that fair?
If you would have asked the old Keisha if she wanted to be a stay at home mom, I would’ve looked at you and laughed in your face. Me? A stay at home mom? Get fucking real. I ain’t down with that. Now, I would love nothing more. But, we are drowning in debt like every other American family out there. We are upside down on our house, we have student loans coming out of our ass, we do not have credit cards, thankfully.
We are now trying to make a dent in our debt in order to buy a new house. This is not going to happen for at least another 3 – 5 years, but it’s a goal of ours. In order to pay off this debt, my husband and I are both working full time, I am still maintaining some of my clients from the business. Any income I get from them goes straight to our debt. Now, I am even looking into getting back into some crafts and selling those on the side to make more money to pay off some debt. All of this, takes time away from my daughter. It’s a catch 22, I guess.
I hate that everyone has to worry about money and paying off debt. I know that’s the way the world works, but wouldn’t it be nice to be able to enjoy life and spend time with our family more and worry less about paying bills? I know, I’m asking a lot. I’m just dreaming here of my fantasy life.
I guess I should start playing the lottery.
–The Kentucky Momma