Feeling Like a Failure

Feeling like a Failure

I can see and feel how quickly the nature of this blog is going to change. My original intention for this blog was for me to write about day to day scenarios about being a mom. Now, it’s changing into an outlet and documenting my anxiety which, in my opinion, is getting worse. I feel like a complete failure.

I am not happy with so many things in my life right now.

One thing in particular is my work situation. I am an accountant. I started with a company in high school and worked there through college gaining the majority of my accounting experience. I then left because I was “ready” for the corporate world. Wrong. I hated every single second of it. Then, I decided to start my own business. It definitely had its ups and downs. More so downs than ups. I loved being able to set my own schedule. I made enough money to pay our bills, but we never had any extra. Then I lost my biggest client. My daughter was 2 months old at the time. I felt like such a failure. I immediately reached out to a hiring agency because I knew I would have to go back to work full time.

Feeling like a Failure

I would never be proud enough to let my family go without. I almost instantly got an interview and as soon as I went on the interview, I knew I got the job. I was about to be on someone’s else schedule 40 hours a week and my daughter was going to have to go to daycare.

I feel this was a huge turning point for me and my anxiety.

I usually pride myself in the fact that I am a really hard worker. I am the breadwinner in our family so I have to work. But as every other middle class family in America, we are drowning in debt. And not necessary bad debt. I mean, what debt is actually good, right? But it wasn’t $20,000 in credit cards. It was my student loans that are essentially killing us.

I just feel like a complete fuck up right now.

I don’t know any other way to put it. I called in work today because I just feel like I couldn’t do it. I’ve NEVER felt like that. I NEVER call in. That’s just not me. I feel like I have failed so miserably in my life as far as work goes. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling extremely helpless and lost right now.

Pray for me.