I don’t know where my place is in the world right now…

I can see and feel how quickly the nature of this blog is going to change. My original intention for this blog was for me to write about day to day scenarios about being a mom. Now, it’s changing into an outlet and documenting my anxiety which, in my opinion, is getting worse.

I am not happy with so many things in my life right now, one thing in particular is my work situation. I am an accountant. I started with a company in high school and worked there through college gaining the majority of my accounting experience. I then left because I was ready for the corporate world. Wrong. Hated every single second of it. Then, I decided to start my own business. It definitely had it’s ups and downs. More so downs than ups. I loved being able to set my own schedule. I made enough money to pay our bills, but we never had any extra. Then I lost my biggest client. My daughter was 2 months old at the time. This, I feel, was a really big turning point for me. I felt like such a failure. I immediately reached out to a hiring agency because I knew I would have to go back to work full time. I would never be proud enough to let my family go without. I almost instantly got an interview and as soon as I went on the interview, I knew I got the job. So, I was about to be on someone’s else schedule 40 hours a week and my daughter was going to have to go to daycare. Another huge turning point for me, I feel.

I usually pride myself in the fact that I am a really hardworker. I am the breadwinner in our family so I have to work. We are drowning in bills and debt, particularly student loan debt. We don’t have credit cards. We have student loans, house payment, car payment. Basically typical debt that everyone has.

I just feel like a complete fuck up right now.  I don’t know any other way to put it. I called in work today because I just feel like I couldn’t do it. I’ve NEVER felt like that. I NEVER call in. That’s just not me. I feel like I have failed so miserably in my life as far as work goes. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling extremely helpless and lost right now.

Pray for me.

–The Kentucky Momma.

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