…why the feeling of anxiety has literally taken over my life. Having my little girl has changed my entire world. I would not replace her for anything, but this anxiety shit has got to go.
My husband and I are huge University of Kentucky fans. If you have been following their men’s basketball at all, you would know that we are currently 35-0! Go CATS! This year the NCAA tournament first and second round is in Louisville, which is where we live. The Cats are housed in Lexington, about 1 1/2 away. So, I’ve really been wanting to try and get tickets to go see them. I figured, we wouldn’t have an opportunity like this again in the near future to see them on our home turf and to see this team! They played Thursday night and won, so now they play Saturday at 2:40 p.m. and I freaking got tickets! I could not believe it! Lower level and everything!
So, what’s the issue? My anxiety.
We are leaving my daughter with my in laws for almost 24 hours. It’s the most she’s ever been away from me. Why so long? The game is at 2:40. Downtown Louisville is currently flooded and about 1/3 of the parking spots are literally under water. So, we are going to leave around 1:30 (even later than we want to leave because my husband has to work until 1) and her nap is around 12:30 – 1:00. So in order to not interfere with her nap, I have chosen to take her to my in-laws house around 12:00…
…My husband then suggest an overnight…Like, he is fucking out of his mind? He knows how I feel about this. Leaving her during the day is bad enough.
But then I got to thinking…Game probably won’t be over until about 5:00 – 5:30, given that it starts on time, then traffic to get out of there is going to be hell on earth. Her bedtime is at 7:00 p.m., would we even be home for that? In case, you haven’t figured out, I’m a huge stickler about schedule. I don’t like to interfere with her schedule that she pretty much developed and I follow because it works. If it ain’t broke…don’t fix it…right? So…was an overnight that big of a deal? To me, absolutely. I sound like an insane person right? I mean, I am out of my freaking mind. But, I decided to do it. I wanted to have my mind made up before I let my in-laws know so they wouldn’t have to play this waiting game with me.
She has only had two overnights so far and I’ve not necessarily enjoyed either of them. Sure, I have fun at night when she is gone, but then in the morning, I am trying to go get her at 6:00 a.m. because I am THAT crazy person. I can’t even sleep in because my mind is racing about when am I going to be able to go get her.
So, whenever I text my mother in law to let her know, of course, she was ecstatic. Then, she dropped a FUCKING bomb on me…she wanted to take her to church the next day. Are you FUCKING kidding me? You would’ve thought she asked if it was okay if she wanted to take her out of the damn country. Tears started flowing. I’m seriously crying over this. Crying because I’m not going to be able to go get my daughter at 6:00 a.m….I know, I’m for real out of my god damn mind. I know. Even as I write this, I know how absolutely dumb it sounds to get so upset over something so trivial. I can’t help it. I wish I did not feel like this or think like this. I feel sad, mad, my anxiety is high as ever, the emotions just don’t stop.
But, I’m letting her do it. I’m going against everything I feel inside myself right now. So, instead of getting her at 6:00 a.m. like the crazy person that I am, I am getting her around 10:30 a.m. 22 1/2 hours from the time I drop her off. 22 1/2 hours! In my mind, that is going to feel like 22 1/2 years. For my sake, and my husband’s sake, I have to let go. Just a little bit at a time. WE have to have our time together too. I’m pretty sure we have not went Not having her for 22 1/2 hours tugs on my heart like you could not even imagine.
I have a CrossFit session at 5:00 tonight and I wish it were here right now. I need to blow off this tension in the worst kind of way.
Lord Jesus, y’all pray for me.
—The Kentucky Momma